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Saturday, December 9

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    Saturday, December 9

    Honesty.

    I went to an AA meeting last night and that was the topic. I sat for an hour and listened while people shared some incredibly insightful perspectives about honesty in relation to alcoholism and recovery. I was not called on to share but of course it got me to thinking...

    I was raised in a true Southern family, and the unspoken rule was that if bad things happenned to you, you just pretend they didn't. And of course you would never EVER tell anyone, least of all anyone outside the family. It's straight out of a Tennessee Williams play. And it's still happening there today, which is one of the reasons I live 5,000 miles from the family.

    Anyway, I've made considerable effort to be more honest with myself and with others than that. But looking back over the last few years of my drinking, the thing that really strikes me is just how compartmentalized
    my life had become due to lack of honesty. At work, I was professional, dedicated Mike -- always on top of things, always helpful, always ready to go the extra mile. With my drinking friends, I was a happy-go-lucky, party person who really knew how to "have a good time." (Apparently having a good time involved falling down, blacking out and having hangovers.) With my non-drinking friends who knew I was struggling with alcohol, I was really trying hard, I was sober whenever they saw me, and I never talked about what was really going on with my drinking. At home, in the evenings, I was a mess. With my online "friends" I was a complete fool. The point is, I felt like many different people with no connection between these personalities.... I moved between these worlds, and each world knew nothing about the others. I felt like a liar and a cheat because I was not able to talk about the rest of my life in any given situation.

    What I'm finding now that I've faced up to my problem is that my life is becoming more integrated. I've dropped the behavior that kept me so splintered, and the healing is starting to take place. In some cases, this has involved opening up to folks and telling them about my drinking and what I'm doing about it. In other cases, it has meant letting go of certain activities or people. (I don't have those "online friends" anymore.... but they were never friends in the first place. My true online friends are here at MWO.) I've told my drinking friends that I've stopped drinking; I've been honest with my non-drinking friends about what's going on; I'm still the same at work except that I'm not going in with hangovers any more. I'm just not hiding huge parts of my life in any given situation any more -- there's no need to. And that feels really good.

    Honesty is about a lot of things. There's cash-register honesty of course. There's whether or not you'd tell a lie. But the kind of honesty that did me the most harm during drinking was the kind I just described: not living an honest life, not letting people see the real me. Perhaps I didn't know who the real me was at the time. But that's changing now.

    And of course there's another biggie in there. None of this would have happened if I hadn't finally been honest with myself about the fact that I'm an alcoholic. I knew this for years but I finally, completely accepted it and all its implications. Until then I was fooling myself by thinking that "somehow, someday I might be able to drink like a normal person." It wasn't until I let go of that fantasy that I was truly being honest with myself.

    ~ Mike
    "Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance." -- Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

    #2
    Saturday, December 9

    Wow Mike, your post touched me! You have a talent for putting your heart and thoughts into words. I'm so happy you have been able to open yourself up. I can feel through your words how liberated you feel. It feels wonderful to take a deep breath and just exhale!

    spacie

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      #3
      Saturday, December 9

      Hi Mike:

      I know what you mean about the culture of Tennessee. When I moved here from Texas, a lot of people were a bit put off by my "up-front about things" manner. I was often chatised as not being "of good manners". I'm not very good at small talk, and I sometimes think I'm the only person in this state that has a complete collection of Beethovens works. Be that as it may, it's OK.

      I have found that being honest is the first, most essential element of being free. My work ethic has always been to be honest about things. It seems to be a given to ignore a problem with a machine or a system, as if it does not exist. The same tendency to ignore a problem with a machine or a system, indeed carries over to personal lives as well. I know a few individuals who get so blasted, and got DWI's and broken bones due to excessive drinking, and still they refuse to admit a problem. They keep on drinking.

      Over the past several months, it has become obvious that my physical health and appearance, stamina, and lucidity are improving. Others notice, and I just say I quit the drinking and smoking. I quit the bad food, and started exercising. I can be totally honest about that.

      Some have accused me of sneaking drinks at home, because they cannot believe that someone who drank in the quantity that I did, for as long as I did, could ever make a 180 degree turn. All I can say is, folks, if I ever relapse or "slip" as it were, everyone around me will be the first to know. What is there to be gained by hiding, or attempting to hide a drinking problem? It was not so obvious to me last year, but now it seems to be crystal clear.

      Hiding the truth, or outright lying takes mental, emotional, and spritual energy away. That is energy that could be used to grow and expand. The energy used to propagate and continue a lie, makes anyone with a conscience ill. Of course, one does not have to volunteer every last detail of any situation. Example: Where did you go? I went to take a crap....want to know all the details? So it is.

      Being honest with ourselves is always the most difficult it seems. I know what you mean about that. Do I have a drinking problem? Yes I do when I drink, so I don't drink. Was I emotionally dependent on alcohol? Yes I was, but i'm working to change that. I believe I can say those words to just about anybody now. Especially my family, my boss, my co-workers. It takes honesty to be truly free.

      I don't know the source of the quote, "The truth shall set you free", but it seems to on the mark.

      Neil

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        #4
        Saturday, December 9

        Thank you for your meaningful and heartfelt post, Mike. You have such a way with words, and now that you are sober, your words grow more wise with each passing week. I'm glad that you keep popping into Absville and continue to inspire us there as well!
        AF as of August 5th, 2012

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          #5
          Saturday, December 9

          Thank you Mike
          Your post made me re-evaluate a few things.

          Comment


            #6
            Saturday, December 9

            Hey all,

            Thanks Mike and XTexan (and others!) Your posts are powerful. Really powerful. (thank you! thank you!) I know from my brief time here at MWO that the "honesty" I've experienced with others has given me a tremendous relief, a straighter posture, a slightly wider grin and an inner calm that I was missing. I hope one day to embrace this state of being completely and have the foundation to drop all the secretivness about my wanting to be AF... it'll be a happy day when I get there.

            Thanks, Olly

            Comment


              #7
              Saturday, December 9

              Keep writing Mike

              :new: Mike, I only discovered this website a couple of days ago, and just discovered some ofyour discussion and responses about half an hour ago. And boy! are they inspirational, honest an powerful.
              A lot of what you say has been my experience. It is so "good" to know there are so many others out there who share a story similar to mine, and are willing to share their advice and experience and that I'm not alone with overcoming my addiction. (There, said it for the very first time).
              Raghnall

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