Saturday January 20th

[Java]

Cool, I am starting my first day thread, awesome, well day 8 for me, doing good. Hope you all are doing well and hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!

Victoria

[mikeupnorth]

Saturday January 20th

Hi Victoria, and congrats on Day 8! :goodjob:

And hello to all our fellow LTA's... hope you're having a great Saturday (or Sunday, depending on where you are)

Four months ago today I wake up in my hotel room in Las Vegas with that awful pickled feeling that I always had after a night of drinking way too much. I look over at the clock. 11:00 AM. [Insert profanity here!] I was supposed to be downstairs at my conference breakfast at 7:45. I jump out of bed and get in the shower. While standing under the stream of hot water, I try and reconstruct the night before. OK, let’s see… there were cocktails before dinner, then there were cocktails with dinner, then after dinner I sat at a slot machine for a couple of hours and kept drinking as long as the machine kept paying. Once that stopped, I recall buying a bottle and taking it back to my room. After that things get really fuzzy. I guess what happens in Vegas really does stay in Vegas. Anyway, I somehow drag my sorry butt downstairs in time for lunch, and my co-workers conveniently ignore the fact that I was MIA all morning (thank God). I eat what I can, which is very little, and try to hide the fact that I feel about as bad as a human being can and still function. Of course the fact of the matter is this is a regular feeling for me: it’s the way I feel several times per week, so I’ve gotten fairly used to it over the last few years. It’s a familiar state of being, but still unpleasant.

Unpleasant is an understatement, of course. The hangover itself is hell. It’s as if every cell in my body is poisoned, in pain, and crying out to me for help. I can feel each one of them hurting for at least 24 hours, and sometimes into a second day. At times, hangovers are almost like an out-of-body experience for me: as I move through my day, it’s as if I’m watching myself do things but experiencing them in the third-person. There is some kind of removal of my ego, as if I’m trying to detach myself from the experience because it’s just that painful.

But more painful than the hangover itself is the frustration at having done this again in spite of all the promises to myself that I would not. I know better. I know where the first drink leads. I deserve better than this. I’m going to lose my job if I keep this up. My family and friends are worried about me. My health is suffering. Why do I keep doing it? Why can’t I stop? That is the quandary. Bill W, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, put it this way: “….then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen -- Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!” Yes, Bill, I do understand.

I drank for nearly two decades. I drank alcoholically for at least 11 years, by my reckoning. And I actively “tried” to stop drinking for six years. This is very serious business for me, and alcohol(ism) is a nasty beast. Finally, I’ve been able to put some distance between myself and that last drink – that last drink which I don’t even remember, sometime in the early morning hours in that hotel room in Las Vegas. For all those years I wondered, “Why can’t I stop?” and now I have. At least for these four months, which is not long, of course. I’ve abstained for longer periods and gone back to drinking, so I’m by no means fooling myself into thinking that I’m cured. I don’t think there’s any such thing as “cured.” But this I will say: I feel stronger now without a drink than I’ve felt any time in the last 20 years.

Some people who quit drinking give credit to a power greater than themselves. They couldn’t have done it on their own, they’ll say. Others might give the credit to the supplements they take, or to a prescription medication. I guess in my case I’d have to say that the key this time was simply making up my mind, making a firm decision and commitment that I was going to quit drinking no matter what. You see, in all my prior attempts to quit, I held something back, I didn’t give it my all, I privately reserved the right to have a drink if I wanted. I said I was quitting but at some level there was still a part of me that wanted to keep drinking – even though I knew it was harmful to me. Until I became entirely willing to commit myself and do anything it would take to stay sober, my efforts always failed. This time around, the only thing that changed was my mind. And that was the key. Once that happened, then all the other things fell into place: I could accept the help that others were willing to give me. I could reap the benefits of supplements and prescription meds. I was open to receive the blessings and strength from above. Both the problem and the solution were between my own two ears.

I say this now on my four-month “birthday” for a couple of reasons. One is simply to remind myself of just how grateful I am to be sober. I think back to that awful morning in Las Vegas, and all awful the mornings just like it, and am thankful that I don’t have to feel that way any more. I can wake up feeling good, remembering what I did the night before, and, for the most part, with a clear conscience.

The second reason I post this here at MWO is for anyone who might be struggling as I was to find the “magic bullet” to get me sober. I tried for so many years to find a person, a program, a book or a pill that would get me sober and none of them could. It wasn’t until I discovered the power within myself that I could both abstain from alcohol and find some peace and joy in doing so.

Wishing you all peace and blessings,

Mike

[Changeling]

Saturday January 20th

4 month Anniversary

What a thoughtful and interesting post Mike.
I admire your honesty with us and with yourself.
We are so lucky to have you here sharing with us.
I relate to what you are saying about the only thing being different this time was within you.

I am always interested to hear what helps people to stay motivated.
I truly believe that the only way to stay sober is to change the way we view drinking.

It is not something good we are missing out on, but something so bad, so destructive that we should feel glad to have escaped.

I can only imagine the euphoria you must have felt today waking up, what a contrast to that day 4 months ago.

Best wishes Changeling

[irishlady]

Saturday January 20th

Thats one powerful post Mike.....Its one I can totally relate to as regards the " Mindset " Why, after so many times of trying to stop drinking is this time so different? Times when you would swear to God that you would never drink again, yet, at the back of your mind that little voice saying "oh yes, thats what you think ". Or you sit there craving a drink and you start to make bargains with yourself, bargains which deep down you know you won't be able to keep once you have that first drink....You remind yourself how you felt during your worst hangover, you know you are slowing killing yourself, and yet, YOU STILL DON'T STOP....

Then you find this place, you feel almost as if you have sailed single handed across the Atlantic during the worst storm in the history of the World and suddenly you sail into a safe harbour, you tie up your boat, sit there and take stock, revel in the peace and quietness which surrounds you now and finally realisation dawns on you and you say to yourself, I HAVE COME HOME....You just know that you don't want to drink anymore, and once you start to think like that, then you have laid the first foundation stone for begining to build the rest of your life....

Stay sober,

Love from Louise xxx

[SKendall]

Saturday January 20th

Mike, what an incredible post.

I spoke to a doctor a little while ago who was a doctor specializing in alcoholism (he will filling in for my own doctor). I knew of his specialty so I told him about MWO, the supps, hypno, etc. He gently encouraged me to continue to do what I was doing. He also does accupuncture. He then told me that alcoholism is so complex and that the recovery will really only begin when a decision has been made by the drinker to stop and mean it. Like you said surrender completely and use the power within ourselves. Our mind is the most powerful thing we have.

As an accupuncturist, he did say that he'd had some success with accupuncture in the ear areas.

I have just taken a week away from home and just been by myself not really connecting with anyone, listening to music, taking supps. Last night I played my MWO CD the one where you hear the ocean and the message is subliminal. I awoke this morning with the most amazing feeling of well being. The cd was on repeat so I'm not sure if this wonderful day started with me "just being" for a week, the cd, or a combination.

Using the power within ourselves is what Allen Carr is saying. Just shift our power from addiction and regain our own personal power. Sounds easy enough but the power shift is the complexity of addiction.

I thank you for your story of recovery and most of all sharing it with us.

:thanks:

Hilary

[YoungAtHeart]

Saturday January 20th

Thank you for sharing your inspiring story of hope with all of us, Mike! :h :thanks: :clapclap: :wave:

[Olly]

Saturday January 20th

Mike,
another great big THANK YOU!! Your posts are an amazing source of strength. Really. It's as though your written word can find it's way directly into my psyche and it is a salve to help with the healling. You make a huge contribution in helping my struggle!!

hugs, Olly

[Guest]

Saturday January 20th

Mike.. hugs as always... the reason you help others so much is because you are helping yourself.

Me, I"m not helping myself here anymore. Time to move on. Apart from one special message that i have to send out this week, i'll be still in touch with those that i'm in touch with off the board anyway, but i'll be gone from here.

I want you to know, though that i'm happy. I"m happy that I came here and happy that I stayed while I did. RJ, thanks for letting me post here.

I leave with this message

It is easy to be miserable. It is just as easy to be happy.

Being miserable will nourish and support your ego. Being happy will bring peace and fulfillment to your spirit.

Being miserable can be very dramatic, complicated and sophisticated. It can make you appear quite impressive to other people.

Being happy, on the other hand, is an expression of simplicity and freedom and joy. Chances are, others could be suspicious or resentful.

Once you have chosen to be miserable, it will require a great deal of energy and effort to maintain that state of misery. By contrast, when you choose happiness, that happiness actually brings additional energy and positive passion to your life.

The choice between happiness and misery is one you make in each moment, over and over again, day after day. Whether you're happy or whether you're miserable is completely up to you.

I'm happy.. you can be too.
Brigid

[lushy]

Saturday January 20th

Brigid, that was beautiful and just what I needed to hear today, and I will think of what you said many, many times. I need to believe it is true as I do, as I am sure many of us here, keep myself miserable because it is all I have known. Enough. Time to stop and embrace the happiness. I still think wine makes me happy but it doesn't and I need to remind myself of that more often. When Mike described his morning in Vegas I literally could physically feel the pain of that hangover, the wretched stomach, the still drunk feeling that is not a fun feeling, the wondering about what happened, and I never want to be in that place again. Best of luck to you Brigid, you have been a great addition around here with very profound thoughts.

[jessie]

Saturday January 20th

Hi Mike.
It is so good to hear that someone has made it - gives me hope. Me, I manage a couple of days and then drink for a couple of days. And hate myself then. But I have to keep trying, one day, I'll throw that switch in my head.
Jessie

[irishlady]

Saturday January 20th

Goodbye Brigid, Your posts were a great help to me, I will miss you.....

Keep that happiness switch in the on position....

All the best, Love from Louise xxxxx

[Olly]

Saturday January 20th

Bye ATT,
you will be missed! Thanks for sharing and giving. Your last post was beautiful.
Olly

[aquamarine]

Saturday January 20th

Mike, I just joined a few days ago and am only day 4 of not drinking anything. Your post really was wonderful and totally just struck me. I could just completely relate to that completely indescribably horrible feeling of being so hungover and trying to function that leaves you really hating yourself and being scared.For me, it really is the mental despair that is harder to handle than feeling physically bad.
Thanks for the insight of the decision having to come from yourself to really get the strength to give it up. I have abstained before for short periods of time but there always that little feeling deep inside that for some reason you are not totally resolved to the permanence of it. This time something feels different and stronger for me. Good luck , hope you are able to keep it up and thanks for the inspiration.

[mikeupnorth]

Saturday January 20th

Aquamarine,

The good news is you never have to feel bad like that again!

Keep it up and things get better. I wish you all the best.

Mike

[Serenity]

Saturday January 20th

Mike
Your reputation precedes you - someone mentioned how you reach into the heart of alcoholism. Anyone who has suffered from this affliction will recognise themselves in your post and even some who have not admitted they have a problem.

I too have been fighting myself for 5 years - begging, making strategies, plans, compromises with myself that included drink as if it was some kind of life affirming elixir ...

Until I realised that it is a life sucking poison leaving just a shell of me behind I could never progress and be truly free from it.

I am currently 8 days AF - waiting for supplements, book, hypno cd's etc...but something within me has clicked.....I don't want to go back there!! and always knew it was inside me somewhere.

All the best - you are an inspiration- thanks for getting to the heart of the dilemma we face.
Love
S