Tuesday January 23RD

[Java]

Day 11AF, I feel pretty darn good today, had a good run this morning and i got on the scale and I am down a couple of pounds, that was a nice mood booster. I am leary of days like today, yet at the same time i try not to spoil them with knowing i will have bad days as well, it is strange to feel good i guess..you know. Anyways I better get back to work now that i have confused you all!

Victoria

[Popeye]

Tuesday January 23RD

Yet again Victoria, I am utterly impressed.
Keep it up!

[Java]

Tuesday January 23RD

Thanks Paul, I hope you know how much I appreciate you responses to me...i really really do..I kinda feel like I got a big brother here

[Popeye]

Tuesday January 23RD

Why, thank you sis....

[mikeupnorth]

Tuesday January 23RD

Hi Victoria and Paul, and all who follow,

Victoria I know just what you mean. In the beginning I was especially afraid of myself when I felt too good. When I was feeling bad -- guilty, ashamed, hung over, etc -- I knew I was not going to drink because the bad feelings were my motivation not to drink. But when I felt good -- well, I just didn't know what to do with that feeling. In the past, I had always had a drink when I felt good so that I'd feel even better.

I realized after some time with my therapist that I actually didn't think I deserved to feel good, and that I used alcohol to reinforce all the negative feelings in my life and about myself. That's why for so many years I kept sabotaging my efforts to quit drinking... just as I started to feel good, I'd have a "slip" and go back to the bottle (and the misery). It's where I felt comfortable and where I secretly felt I belonged. So alcohol did serve a purpose for me: to keep me locked in the misery I had chosen for myself, and to reinforce the low self-esteem I had.

Now I'm at a place in my life where I know I deserve better than that. I know I deserve a good life, and I deserve to feel good -- and to feel good about myself. Each day I make a choice not to drink is affirming my own self-worth. Each day that I succeed is giving my inner child the message that he is loved and well cared-for. As time goes by I can feel my personal strength growing, and I'm not as afraid of feeling good any more. Actually, as time goes by, I'm just not as afraid, period.

Good topic!

Mike

[Waves 2]

Tuesday January 23RD

Mike, I have copied that into Word so I can look at it next time I am tempted to self-destruct.
Love Waves

[xtexan]

Tuesday January 23RD

Whazzup?

Victoria, Paul, Mike, Waves!

Just feeling pretty good here mentally. That feeling of being on an even keel as of the last few days.
That exquisite sensation, that maybe it will be alright after all.

Hang in there. This is the place where I think we dream of getting to. Of course it won't last forever, but I don't ever remember being this way in all the years that I drank myself silly. I think it is like the sensation a surfer gets when he is riding that oh so perfect wave. Everything just clicks for a while.

Victoria, take heart. What you are experiencing was typical for me in those first days and weeks. Just want to let you know that after a while, it will feel GOOD to feel good.

Paul, are you a Highlander? Just curious.

Mike, eloquent introspection as always. How do you do it with almost zero daylight this time of year??

Everyone have a good nights sleep, with peaceful dreams of surfing the north shore of Maui.

Neil

[Popeye]

Tuesday January 23RD

Hi All,
Mike
I am sure what you say is true. I think I do drink to reinforce my own low self-esteem. It seems to be always there, lurking in the background. I'm feeling pretty good today though.
Neil
I live in the cenral belt of Scotland. The Highlands are a fair drive away but I'm usually up there once or twice a month.
On a clear day I can see Ben Lomond from my back garden.