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    Cracks in the Foundation...

    I was in my office this morning, getting my things organized and filed.

    Then out of the blue, one of the custodial workers walks in to empty my trashcan. He just does this to visit many times, as I have told him repeatedly that I can empty my own trash can, but he does it anyway.

    Anyway, he scared the hell out of me. Out of the blue, he started talking about his AA meetings he went to. Very strange. I guess it?s well known around here that I have stopped drinking and smoking for the long haul. It seemed as if he was trying to recruit me into going to one of his meetings or something.

    He had told me stories of how he was now 25 days without a drink, but still smoking. He told another story of how an AA member at the meeting said he had given up alcohol for about a month, but was smoking twice as much pot now.

    He then told me that he had quit once for 5 years, and then drank again for several years. Then he quit for 3 years, and began drinking again. He had many, many periods of just a few months. Start and stop. He said that when he had stopped for the 3 years, he went back to drinking even more than he did before. Then he said when he relapsed after the 5 years sober, he started drinking twice as much as he did before. He said that you think you can go back to the way you drank before, even if it was still excessive, but it got worse each time.

    This scared the holy crap out of me. I asked him, ?In the back of your mind, were you trying to make up for those years of sobriety, by drinking even more??

    He says, ?Yea, I guess I was.? He continued, ?If I just work the 12 steps every day, I am OK. Then I stop going to meetings, because I figure I?m OK, and then I start drinking again.?

    When he left, I felt a terrible sense of hopelessness. I have never been to an AA meeting, and I never plan on going to one. The last 400+ days I have been abstinent, have been based on my own personal program of self-reconstruction and re-alignment. Because that program has many similarities to MWO, I felt that this forum was the place to be for support, and to ?give back? what I have learned to others.

    I told him of a television commercial I saw last night. In it was an older fellow, in an elaborate and very expensive personal home wine cellar. The guy was inspecting his bottles, of which there were hundreds. He had that beatific look on his face, of immense satisfaction. The commercial was for some investment firm for retirement accounts or something. The psychological message was that if you save your money with so-and-so, you too could have this ?magnificent? wine cellar, probably worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, and live the ?good life? in your retirement years. The ?fine? life. The ?excellent? life. Yea, right. In my mind, total unmitigated horse manure.

    I told the guy, I reacted with disgust, and hatred of that advertising firm and the commercial. It made me sick to my stomach. The ?good life? my ass. I might just as well have a cellar full of hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of sarin nerve gas. Glass bottles full of vomit and despair.

    So, he smiled, and probably did not understand what I was trying to say to him. I fear that he is 25 days of feeling deprived again, and working the 12 steps for however long it will take him. I fear that he knows he will relapse again, and AA is just a vehicle for him to take breaks away from the destruction of the poison. I fear that someone else is forcing him to go, with an ?either/or? proposition. I fear that he goes to take ?long vacations? from his real love, which does not love him in return.

    He seemed happy enough, and was gushing about the benefits of the AA method. Something just did not seem right though. Something deep, and insidious. Something terrible in our culture, that elevates ethanol to an almost ?religious? status. Hence that commercial, and its terrible subliminal-psychological lie that alcohol is congruent with the ?good life?. That if used in just the ?right amount?, then human life is enhanced. That those of us who use, or have used in excess of the ?right amount? are morally defective forever. I was deeply shaken by this visit.

    I will examine the foundations of my program with a microscope. Like looking for the smallest possible crack in a homes foundation, I will not let it slip by. I will not say, ?OH it is just a tiny little crack, and won?t matter.? The hell it won?t matter.

    I could see it in that custodial mans eyes. The tiniest cracks in our foundation will split wide open when the earthquake hits. I know one thing. The earthquakes will come, and cause everything built to come crashing down, if those cracks are left as is. I will bore tunnels into my sub-conscious, no matter how excruciatingly painful, and put in steel re-bar from where ever I can find it.

    Maybe his visit was not coincidental. Maybe his story for me was not random.

    He scared the hell out of me. I do not need this fear.

    Neil

    #2
    Cracks in the Foundation...

    Neil,
    That is a scary thought. I always thought if I went six months, a year sober then I could somehow "reboot" my brain and get back to drinking normally. The jury is still out on that as I am only 12 days sober. Making up for the lost time is very scary. I asked my therapist the other day if I went six months or a year without a drink what were the odds of returning to my old ways. He simply said: "If I were a betting man..." he bet I'd be right back where I started. Scary shit.

    Comment


      #3
      Cracks in the Foundation...

      Hi All,

      Neil, I think we all need reminders from time to time as to what we are up against....You, I think, know better then most that this is not a clean, wholesome fight against some honourable, honest opponent....We are fighting a battle against something which will use every dirty low-down trick in the book to gain the upper hand......This thing will wait patiently until you are at your lowest and then come creeping around with false promises.....It will wait until you are celebrating the fact that you have everything under control now and you can handle having just one or two drinks....By the time you realise you have been tricked by him, its too late, he has you in his power again....

      Its only by being constantly vigilant and strong that we have any hope of beating this....

      Andy, I don't think if you went even 10 years sober you could then drink normally again.....Once you have a problem with alcohol the brain never forgets, yes, you can use very powerful tools and methods of distraction which makes the brain forget, but once you have a drink again then you will awaken all the old cravings and habits and you will no longer be in control.....

      It does get easier as time goes by, but that is only because the beast is sleeping, do you really want to risk waking him up ????????

      Keep sober,

      Love from Louise xxxxxx
      A F F L..
      Alcohol Free For Life

      Comment


        #4
        Cracks in the Foundation...

        Hi Neil,

        Firstly, I love the way Louise describes the desire for drink - she is a very clever woman!

        Could it be you are looking for similarities between you and this man that simply don't exist?

        One: You have put your own program together and maintained it. He is relying on AA - and accepting all facets of that whether they work for him or not.

        Two: Look at the difference in tense.

        'I asked him, “In the back of your mind, were you trying to make up for those years of sobriety, by drinking even more?”

        He says, “Yea, I guess I was.” He continued, “If I just work the 12 steps every day, I am OK. Then I stop going to meetings, because I figure I’m OK, and then I start drinking again.”
        '

        You were referring to what happens in the past - he refers to it in the present - and reinforces the habit of relapse.

        I bow to your vast experience and acknowledge that I cannot know what it is like to achieved sobriety for such a long period. It does seem to me that your rock is yourself - not the 12 Steps - and a program that you have designed for you that has worked for a long, long time.

        Gem x
        Free since 26th February 2012

        Comment


          #5
          Cracks in the Foundation...

          Funny Gem, I had just written something very similar and then the post got lost......

          Neil, You have put into place a program for yourself that sets you up for nothing but success. You are about researching and putting into action whatever it takes to maintain your health and well being. You are curious and you pursue these curiosities to find something new to help you become even more secure in the fact that you will never drink again. I have no doubt you will never drink again. It is good, however, to never get complacement but I, for one, know you are on the right track with no cracks in your foundation that I can see.......
          I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me

          Comment


            #6
            Cracks in the Foundation...

            Thank you for sharing, i am only two weeks in but the same thoughts cross my mind...
            It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.
            James Gordon, M.D.

            Comment


              #7
              Cracks in the Foundation...

              Hey Neil,

              I think being scared for a moment is a realization that some people do fall back into their old ways. I have never been to AA but from what I have heard on the side, they may not offer you the full responsiblity that each of us needs to take. Responsibility for ourselves to form our program and keep a watchful eye for pitfalls.

              Louise, well said. Lush you are so right in everything you said here. Gem, well said also.

              Andy, Newgirl, you can do this and Neil you are a ROCK and an inspiration to all of us. You have a choice to stay where you are and I think you will continue to always make that choice!

              Comment


                #8
                Cracks in the Foundation...

                YES! The votes of confidence are the bars of steel I need!!

                You know, I got home after work, and thought about this some more.

                I could have spent two hours explaining to that fellow employee about all the things I have done, and worked on over the past months.

                He does not exercise. He does not meditate. He does not do the brain machine. He does not do the self-hypnosis. He does not take the supplements. I've seen his diet, from his brought in lunches. Not good.

                It is a extremely fair bet, that he has not done any deep inner work that brings out the demons for battle on a level playing field.

                Just talking to him, he is the same guy as he was 10 years ago. I used to drink with him at company parties, and he and I quaffed more than a few belts of homemade moonshine. (Talk about ultimate toxic poison).

                He's a good and decent fellow, and for a while there, I had forgot the fundamental differences in our approach. Many people say that my personality has changed over the past year. The ones that want me to drink with them say it has changed for the worse. The ones that don't drink say it has changed for the better. I guess maybe I do appear more matter of fact about many things. I have strived to arrive at a hard lock onto the core truth of things from a sober perspective.

                I guess the thing that frightened me most, as Irishlady says, is the lie that seems to always put on sheeps clothing. There is no truth in booze. Never was, never will be.

                In my estimation, the search for sobriety, is the search for TRUTH.

                Neil

                Comment


                  #9
                  Cracks in the Foundation...

                  cracks in the foundation

                  Fear. Sometimes fear is good and sometimes bad. If a man was coming at me with a knife--I think fear would be very real and called for because it is real. Just as the fear of a relapse is real, because it really could happen for REAL. From what I read you went through the normal human emotions. Fear of something that is real. Fear that you can not stop it from happening. And you reacted with normal alcoholic emotions of becoming defensive about your program vs. his. Why maybe you shouldn't have this fear because of all the things you are doing to prevent it. Reality is that relapse happens to people all the time that have strong "programs" of any sort. You should have fear.....which in turn will keep you doing the things that are keeping you sober today. It would be impossible to cover every single crack in the foundation because this is life...and sometimes cracks come at us wide open blind siding us. We can never be cured.

                  It would honestly be difficult to compare your program vs. his. He has relapsed quite a few times, but overall he has had more sobriety in term of quanity. Quality sobriety is a realtive term that is different for everyone.

                  I doubt that he was trying to recruit you...it is one of the foundations of the AA program not to do that. I do think that he was talking to you because he knew that you could relate to him and he needed someone to talk to you...or just someone to listen. He was telling you of his experience....which seems to me was a message sent to you. Fear of relapse is good....it keeps you doing what needs to be done for you.

                  Sobriety is something that if you get it, nobody can take it away besides yourself. Nobody can take away that guy's 5 years, 3 years or 25 days of sobriety. The really sad thing about this disease is that the majority will never have any sobriety at all. AF 3-10 days is not sobriety....sobriety is a gift and it comes with peace of mind and happiness.

                  I know exactly where to go and buy my pain and misery back. No matter how much I don't want it back does not mean I won't go and get it....so I love my fear of relapse because it is real, it can happen and I will do everything I can to prevent it.

                  Kim

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Cracks in the Foundation...

                    xtexan;88643 wrote: YES! In my estimation, the search for sobriety, is the search for TRUTH.

                    Neil
                    Neil,

                    This has been a great discussion. You are a different person than this fellow, not better, but much further along in determining what the problem is, and how you need to deal with it.

                    Maybe this is a distinction without a distinction, but I feel you have attained sobriety?not searched for sobriety. You set a goal to become sober and you succeeded. You have found your TRUTHs, and you are enjoying and benefiting from them. They work and resonate for you, because they are true.

                    Now, do we need to be vigilant? You bet. Is it discouraging that someone who abstained for so long can slip so easily? You bet, but that?s a truth too. Drinking is a choice.

                    I am going to place my bet that you will continue to choose not to drink. You know the enemy and you know you don?t like his company. All of us here are emboldened by your hard work, your success, and your candor.

                    Cap

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Cracks in the Foundation...

                      An observation

                      This is a subject I have given a lot of thought.
                      It appears that people in this fight are divided into two camps.

                      1. Those that stop drinking but continue to think of it as something good & wonderful that they are forever denying themself.

                      2. Those that stop and realise what an evil thing they have escaped. They are not missing anything.
                      In fact, the reverse, they have gained so much.

                      It appears that the people in the first camp are doomed to failure. Everything is against them as they spend every day thinking about the fact that today they can't have a drink... watching the 'normal' drinker drink with envy in their hearts.

                      The folks in the 2nd camp however, have a completely different mind set.
                      They celebrate that they have left the hell behind them, they have no desire to return.
                      There is nothing missing in their lives

                      From reading your post Neil, I have no doubts you are firmly placed in the 2nd camp.
                      I am celebrating 1 month sober today and hope to meet you there some day.
                      Best regards
                      Changeling

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Cracks in the Foundation...

                        Neil,

                        I think it says everything about you that you have the humility to get scared and want to examine yourself and your program for flaws. You have never struck me as complacent. Your dedication to your sobriety has been an example to all of us, and your willingness to reach out and help another has been a gift. I must confess that I am not overly worried about your sobriety. No one is 100% safe, but I think you are in pretty good shape, my friend!

                        Take care,

                        Kathy
                        AF as of August 5th, 2012

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Cracks in the Foundation...

                          AA forces behavior on you & does'nt get to the root of the problem

                          Neil, I found myself feeling deprived when I took on AA advise. With MWO, I feel like a burden has been taken off my shoulders. I don't feel deprived, I feel Normal. The program takes care of the imbalance your body is going through and you don't think about booze the way you use too. Thanks for sharing!


                          For those who have helped me in the past, I just wanted to let you know that I'm changing my username from Ismael to IAD. Thanks, (Goodby Moby Dick)......
                          ?Be who you are and say what you feel because
                          those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.?
                          Dr. Seuss

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Cracks in the Foundation...

                            "Truth is a person".. Henry Blackabe

                            This is from Experiencing God.

                            I think the "lier" is just as real and it is he we do battle against!

                            Keep the faith, Neil....................you're an inspiration to all of us.
                            I also hate that comercial.
                            xoxoNancy
                            "Be still and know that I am God"

                            Psalm 46:10

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Cracks in the Foundation...

                              A very interesting thread Neil with excellent contributions.
                              Nancy.
                              Well said.

                              Comment

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