Powerlessness
[First off, I want to say that I am in no way trying to cut down AA or any 12-Step recovery programs. I have nothing but respect for them and for the people who find recovery in them. I believe there is much to be learned from those programs, even though I've chosen not to go that route for my own recovery. I'm not posting this in order to solicit negative feedback about AA or to stir up controversy. I'm merely posting my personal observations about a topic which is central to 12-step philosophy, and to addiction and recovery in general.]
I?ve been thinking a lot lately about powerlessness. What started this was that at four months sober, I was no longer struggling every day, and I thought to myself, ?What now?? I knew that I needed some kind of structured program in order to continue to grow. If I don?t grow, I stagnate, and risk going back to old ways of thinking (read: drinking). So I found a workbook on the 12 Steps that I had bought a while back, even before I started MWO, but had never done anything with. I thought I might as well try it.
The First Step is ?We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.? And one of the first exercises in the book was to list 30 examples of times when I continued to drink in spite of negative consequences. This was supposed to show me how powerless I had been over alcohol.
I could easily come up with the examples. I have done things like continue to drink, even knowing that it was hurting a relationship I was in. Or continue to drink after being convicted of ?Extreme DUI? and serving 10 days in jail. But I stopped to think long and hard about this concept of powerlessness.
I?m not new to the recovery scene, and I?m no novice when it comes to 12-Step philosophy, either. I?ve been to literally hundreds of AA meetings and I?ve studied the Big Book and other AA-approved literature. Powerlessness is the cornerstone of recovery in 12-Step programs. You cannot recover unless you admit complete defeat. You have to ?cry uncle.? OK, well I can do that? and in fact, I did a long time ago. But here?s where I went wrong. I accepted and internalized the powerlessness message, and incorporated it with my low self-esteem, and used it to further my self-destruction. It became an excuse for me to keep drinking and to keep failing at quitting. After all, I was powerless, so who could blame me? Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.
Now, from the vantage point of a few months without a drink, and no longer craving alcohol, I can look back on it with different eyes. The feeling of powerlessness was a symptom of the disease of alcoholism. I wasn?t really powerless ? I just thought I was. Alcohol is an inert liquid that has no power over anything. It has no more power over me than it has over the bottle that contains it. The only power it can have is what I give it in my mind. But for a very long time I gave it a lot of power ? enough to make my life living hell, and almost enough to kill me. So in that sense I was powerless over alcohol during those years, but it was by my own choice.
I say that now ? ?by my own choice? ? while I have a clear head and I?m thinking rationally. I?m also well aware that my alcoholic brain can start rationalizing a drink and before I know it I can think that a drink is just fine again. And if I start going down that path, I?m in grave danger of giving away my power again. I don?t want that to happen, EVER, because it feels too good now to be in the driver?s seat, making my own choices from a rational mind, and not from a place of fear, depression, anxiety, etc. caused by chronic inebriation and hangovers. In fact, my whole program so far has been about reclaiming my personal power ? that power that I gave away for so many years ? and I?m beginning to like feeling strong and decisive and healthy. I don?t want to let that go.
And I have to be absolutely clear about something else: I am 100% powerless over alcohol when I put it into my body. I know that I can never safely drink alcohol again. That is where my ?personal power? ends and alcohol?s power begins ? and I don?t dare go there.
There is a battle going on for all of us, and we can choose any metaphor that works for us. I like Neil?s ?Drinking Neil and Sober Neil.? I?ve written about a ?sober path and drinking path.? And for others it?s asking a Higher Power for the strength to stay sober a day at a time. Whatever it takes, whatever works. There?s no one-size-fits-all.
As for powerlessness ? I know now that I never was truly powerless over alcohol. That was an illusion and there was always a choice. It was always me choosing to do those things. It was Drinking Mike winning out over Sober Mike. It was me choosing the drinking path over the sober path. I have to admit ? it did feel like I was somehow possessed by an evil, alcoholic spirit (?Drinking Mike?). It?s all a trick of the mind, though. Usually, if you know your enemy, you won?t fall for his tricks a second time. The problem is that in this battle, my enemy and I are one.
~Mike
[First off, I want to say that I am in no way trying to cut down AA or any 12-Step recovery programs. I have nothing but respect for them and for the people who find recovery in them. I believe there is much to be learned from those programs, even though I've chosen not to go that route for my own recovery. I'm not posting this in order to solicit negative feedback about AA or to stir up controversy. I'm merely posting my personal observations about a topic which is central to 12-step philosophy, and to addiction and recovery in general.]
I?ve been thinking a lot lately about powerlessness. What started this was that at four months sober, I was no longer struggling every day, and I thought to myself, ?What now?? I knew that I needed some kind of structured program in order to continue to grow. If I don?t grow, I stagnate, and risk going back to old ways of thinking (read: drinking). So I found a workbook on the 12 Steps that I had bought a while back, even before I started MWO, but had never done anything with. I thought I might as well try it.
The First Step is ?We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.? And one of the first exercises in the book was to list 30 examples of times when I continued to drink in spite of negative consequences. This was supposed to show me how powerless I had been over alcohol.
I could easily come up with the examples. I have done things like continue to drink, even knowing that it was hurting a relationship I was in. Or continue to drink after being convicted of ?Extreme DUI? and serving 10 days in jail. But I stopped to think long and hard about this concept of powerlessness.
I?m not new to the recovery scene, and I?m no novice when it comes to 12-Step philosophy, either. I?ve been to literally hundreds of AA meetings and I?ve studied the Big Book and other AA-approved literature. Powerlessness is the cornerstone of recovery in 12-Step programs. You cannot recover unless you admit complete defeat. You have to ?cry uncle.? OK, well I can do that? and in fact, I did a long time ago. But here?s where I went wrong. I accepted and internalized the powerlessness message, and incorporated it with my low self-esteem, and used it to further my self-destruction. It became an excuse for me to keep drinking and to keep failing at quitting. After all, I was powerless, so who could blame me? Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.
Now, from the vantage point of a few months without a drink, and no longer craving alcohol, I can look back on it with different eyes. The feeling of powerlessness was a symptom of the disease of alcoholism. I wasn?t really powerless ? I just thought I was. Alcohol is an inert liquid that has no power over anything. It has no more power over me than it has over the bottle that contains it. The only power it can have is what I give it in my mind. But for a very long time I gave it a lot of power ? enough to make my life living hell, and almost enough to kill me. So in that sense I was powerless over alcohol during those years, but it was by my own choice.
I say that now ? ?by my own choice? ? while I have a clear head and I?m thinking rationally. I?m also well aware that my alcoholic brain can start rationalizing a drink and before I know it I can think that a drink is just fine again. And if I start going down that path, I?m in grave danger of giving away my power again. I don?t want that to happen, EVER, because it feels too good now to be in the driver?s seat, making my own choices from a rational mind, and not from a place of fear, depression, anxiety, etc. caused by chronic inebriation and hangovers. In fact, my whole program so far has been about reclaiming my personal power ? that power that I gave away for so many years ? and I?m beginning to like feeling strong and decisive and healthy. I don?t want to let that go.
And I have to be absolutely clear about something else: I am 100% powerless over alcohol when I put it into my body. I know that I can never safely drink alcohol again. That is where my ?personal power? ends and alcohol?s power begins ? and I don?t dare go there.
There is a battle going on for all of us, and we can choose any metaphor that works for us. I like Neil?s ?Drinking Neil and Sober Neil.? I?ve written about a ?sober path and drinking path.? And for others it?s asking a Higher Power for the strength to stay sober a day at a time. Whatever it takes, whatever works. There?s no one-size-fits-all.
As for powerlessness ? I know now that I never was truly powerless over alcohol. That was an illusion and there was always a choice. It was always me choosing to do those things. It was Drinking Mike winning out over Sober Mike. It was me choosing the drinking path over the sober path. I have to admit ? it did feel like I was somehow possessed by an evil, alcoholic spirit (?Drinking Mike?). It?s all a trick of the mind, though. Usually, if you know your enemy, you won?t fall for his tricks a second time. The problem is that in this battle, my enemy and I are one.
~Mike
Control the Mind
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