Sorry, I need to ask for help also!!

[Wynot]

How do you all do this? I am so in awe of the Long termers out there. I just can't seem to stop for more than a day or two. I'm home again today with an awful hangover. Sick and ashamed of myself. Did any of you try like 9,000 times to quit until it finally took?

I've probably made the "commitment" at least that many times, yet, something in my head always snaps and I'm right back to it again. My husband really doesn't get it. He knows I want to stop but he thinks it would be ok for me to have a drink once in a while. He also doesn't know how much I do drink because I've always got it hidden somewhere. Plus it doesn't help that I say I am going to stop and then bring home a bottle of wine.

Any advise would be appreciated. I respect you all for the strides you've made in your lives. I just wish I could do it also.

Thanks, Diane

[dilayne]

Sorry, I need to ask for help also!!

Hi Diane,
The first time I quit years ago, I tried quite a few times before I got serious. I'm not sure where you are on the journey..have you read the book, started the topamax and supps and CDs? Have you done this with trying 30 days abstinence yet? Is your goal to go Abs or to moderate. In my experience with commitments..when I wasn't succesful in sticking with a commitment, I usually had a back door or wasn't committed or wasn't holding myself accountable. If you really want to quit and haven't been able to, you may have to take more drastic measures than you already have...If it's extremely serious, you may have to go to a detox center...again, I'm not sure of your level of drinking or what you've done. If you can share some of that, you may get a little better support. One thing for sure is that by your coming here, you are showing a real desire and that will get you there, one way or another.
Good Luck!
d

[Wynot]

Sorry, I need to ask for help also!!

Thanks Dilayne,

I have read the book and have the moderation cd's. They were the only ones availble at the time I joined. I haven't tried the topamax because I am afraid of the side effects. I want to stop drinking. I drink a bottle of wine almost every day. Mostly during the week - I think because I am SOOO bored at my job. I've been going to a therapist which helps. I drank almost two bottles of wine last night which is why I feel so crappy today. At the time of course I knew it was wrong but my addicted brain just keeps me doing such stupid things. I am going to order the abstenance CDs and try the Kudzu. I am not much af a "joiner" more like a loner actually so it's hard for me to ask for help. I did try an outpatient rehab last summer but I was in a group with a bunch of young guys - I was old enough to be their mother. They all were court ordered to go and I felt reallly out of place. I've also gone to AA meetings but I've found them depressing. Every meeting was a rehash of some horror story and noone seemed to be happy that they weren't drinking. That's what I liked about this site. The people who "get it" seem so upbeat and genuinely glad that they have beaten this problem.

[dilayne]

Sorry, I need to ask for help also!!

Diane, I'm about to leave town but wanted to tell you that I did the topamax for about six weeks, maybe more. I didn't really like the side effects, but the trade off wal well worth the minor discomfort for that time..just to get through the transition and to get me some time AF..the warnings are scarier than most people's actual experiences...I just felt lousy on it, but nothing that prevented me from functioning. I wouldn't rule it out if you are serious...maybe try it for the 30 day period...

I'll be back Monday, so feel free to PM if you like. Take care!
d

[xtexan]

Sorry, I need to ask for help also!!

Wynot:

Let's see. I started drinking binges at 16. Was hammering a fifth a day of whiskey by time I was 18. Was flirting with major liver damage at 19. I started thinking I had better quit when I 20 or so. Began my serious search for help when I was 23 maybe.

Longest I ever made it before now, was perhaps 4 months when I was 33. Major weekend binges for years, but stayed clean during the work week between 33 and 49. Wanted to just quit after every single weekend, and would start each Monday believiing I would.

So now I'm 50.

Yep, maybe 9001 times. I had to learn everything on my own, over years and years. If MWO had existed 30 years ago, maybe I could have saved a few years. Maybe not. Got my head finally wrapped around the fact that if I kept on, I would not see my cherished retirement years above ground.

Main thing is, I never gave up on myself. Came extremely close a few times, but I went to a doctor today, and proudly told him 14 months no smokes, no booze, exercising, and eating right! He goes, "Well alright! Now maybe you can convice a few other of my patients to do that." I said I am attempting that in other ways (by posting here), but didn't tell him how.

Be well.

Neil

[Newyear]

Sorry, I need to ask for help also!!

Hi Wynot-

I completely understand your routine. I did the same thing on the drive home every day. I don't want to drink tonight but if I don't stop I won't have anything and I know I'll want at least one drink. What if I can't sleep? Then I would say that I wouldn't actually drink it but I needed to have it in the house. I would open the bottle immediately when I got in the door. So, yes I understand that drill well. I too was at the point that I didn't even want to drink but somehow felt compelled to do so.
Please read and re read Kate's post. She is so right. I finally decided to quit by starting to be selfish and putting myself first. I know that may not make a ton of sense when you first hear it but it is so true. When you decide to be good to yourself - I mean, really and truly good to yourself- then you have a reason to say no to the booze. You have to believe you are worth saving and that you are worth the work. Kate - thank you for writing that.
Wynot - you are worth taking care of - put yourself first for awhile.

Please keep posting and let us know how it goes.
Lisa

[morrison]

Sorry, I need to ask for help also!!

xtexan;97235 wrote: Wynot:

Let's see. I started drinking binges at 16. Was hammering a fifth a day of whiskey by time I was 18. Was flirting with major liver damage at 19. I started thinking I had better quit when I 20 or so. Began my serious search for help when I was 23 maybe.

Longest I ever made it before now, was perhaps 4 months when I was 33. Major weekend binges for years, but stayed clean during the work week between 33 and 49. Wanted to just quit after every single weekend, and would start each Monday believiing I would.

So now I'm 50.

Yep, maybe 9001 times. I had to learn everything on my own, over years and years. If MWO had existed 30 years ago, maybe I could have saved a few years. Maybe not. Got my head finally wrapped around the fact that if I kept on, I would not see my cherished retirement years above ground.

Main thing is, I never gave up on myself. Came extremely close a few times, but I went to a doctor today, and proudly told him 14 months no smokes, no booze, exercising, and eating right! He goes, "Well alright! Now maybe you can convice a few other of my patients to do that." I said I am attempting that in other ways (by posting here), but didn't tell him how.

Be well.

Neil

Hello Wynet. I put xtexan in quotes, because this is almost my exact same story,except I'm 34 now. I'm back to really just tearing it up on weekends, cause I drank such a ridiculous amount, my body can't handle it. Monday's are so aweful. That's what got me here, was this Monday. Sick and embarrassed over my weekend shinanigans. I knew drinking every day was bad, so thought I was a new man cause I just did the weekends. The reality is, I didn't choose to quit weekdays, my body and mind can't take it. So, that is the long answer. But, short answer it, YES!! I swore I was quitting for 20 years now. I hope this time is for real. Don't give up. Others have quit, and they wore in the same boat as us. Hang in there.

[Wynot]

Sorry, I need to ask for help also!!

Thank you all for your heart felt replies. Yesterday is over and I am feeling better today after a good night's sleep. It is really amazing to me how much better I feel in the AM when I haven't had anything to drink the night before. You'd think only a crazy person would go back to the bad habit after having this revalation. So that's what this alcohol thing is - just plain craziness. I know I need to convince myself that I CAN do this.
I will keep posting here as all your replies have made me feel so much better.

:thanks: Diane

[cpn1004]

Sorry, I need to ask for help also!!

Diane,
XTexan's story is mine too, except for the months of AF he has put together. I have been around this site since it started, and have read several books on alcohol and addiction. Great knowledge but no action on my part until late Jan. this year. It is a decision you have to make...be good to yourself. Start one day at a time and it does get easier and life becomes SO MUCH better. Every facet of it.
Stay with us on this journey.
Love and Peace,
Phil

[mikeupnorth]

Sorry, I need to ask for help also!!

Dear Wynot (Diane),

I, like you, "committed" to moderate or quit drinking countless times. This was usually when I was hung over or feeling remorse over something said or done while under the influence. The problem was, I would feel better after a day or two and suddenly I would forget the horror of drinking -- and repeat the cycle. It was like a record (remember the old vinyl LP's?) stuck on the same groove for week after week, year after year. Somehow, we have to find a way to knock the needle into a new groove.

A couple of things happened to make this time different than all the others. I had tried it on my own, with AA, through an outpatient rehab, etc. I kept failing. I even tried MWO and failed. The keys this time for me were 1) supplements - primarily kudzu, 2) Topamax, 3) honesty about my drinking with others and 4) accountability to those around me, directly tied to 3) honesty.

You mentioned that you were afraid of trying Topamax because of the side effects... I'm not necessarily an advocate of prescription medications, but I'll just state what my experience has been with the drug. The only side effect I've had has been drowsiness, and once I hit the 200 mg dosage, it was as if a light switch went off in my head, and I had zero cravings for alcohol. I still had thoughts of drinking -- but the yearning, the turmoil, the internal battle that would go on for hours, that was all gone. It was as if I had been in a loud disco (where the music was cravings) and suddenly I found myself in a quiet meadow. It was almost that dramatic. Of course without my commitment to remain sober, and the other work I'm doing, the pill would be worthless. I plan to stay on it for one year, during which time I'm doing work to shore up my defenses in other ways, and then I'll taper off and see how I do. Also, kudzu has very powerful anti-craving effects. A "cocktail" of the supplements, including a strong dose of kudzu, along with exercise, can be as powerful as topa for some people. So you just have to find what works for you.

And one other thing I noticed is that you said your husband thinks it's all right for you to have a drink once in a while. You are right when you say that he doesn't get it. He needs to understand that if you have a problem with drinking, he needs to support your commitment to sobriety -- completely. Have you explained to him just how drinking makes you feel? How helpless? How hopeless? Most people who don't share our problem just don't understand how we can't control our drinking, and in spite of their love for us and their best intentions, they enable us to continue our addictive behaviors.

Most importantly, know that you're not alone. All of us here know how you feel... we've all been in that dark place, and there is a way out.

Mike

[Pebbles]

Sorry, I need to ask for help also!!

I agree with everything everyone has said...and will just add, for the Topa side effects, some people have few or very little, I myself just have the funny taste in my mouth, tingly feet (quite nice) and if I titrate up too much the dopey unable to remember words thing...but if I were to write the list of side effects of my drinking, how long have you got ???

[Wynot]

Sorry, I need to ask for help also!!

Hello again everyone. I'm still hanging in here. The weekend was a bit troublesome. While vacuuming on Saturday, I found an open bottle of brandy stashed between the sofa the wall in our living room. Seems that my husband has not taken my request to get the stuff out of the house seriously. I wish I could say I confronted him immediately, but of course I just left it there and got into it later that evening. Spent Sunday on the couch feeling like crap again.

I've tried again to stress to my husband that I CANNOT have alcohol in the house. I'm afraid he still doesn't get it. I don't understand how an educated person could be so damn stupid. To top things off, I found a bottle of wine on the front porch which one of our neighbors gave my husband in appreciation for snowblowing their driveway. He has hidden it and I've asked him to take with him when he visists his brother and his family out of town on Thursday.

In the mean time I have ordered the supplements and abs CDs and am starting over. (Deja vu all over
again).

:fingers: Diane

[Popeye]

Sorry, I need to ask for help also!!

Hi wynot,
I'm still trying to get the better of this thing. I have slipped so many times. The thing is though, I'm getting better and stronger with each day that I can stay clean and clear-headed. I'm really serious about controlling myself and my destiny, not just drink-wise, but in many other ways. I'm gong to get fitter and more self-confident and, in the end, more content with myself. I don't for a minute expect that I won't slip up again, but I know that for each step backwards, I'm taking one or two metaphorical steps forwards. I don't want to sound trite but it really is small steps one day at a time for me. Saying that, I am so much more in control than I was a few months ago.
Please, keep trying. It's defiately worth it.

[gabby]

Sorry, I need to ask for help also!!

Wynot,
For me it was the millionanth time of thinkin I wanted to stop. I think I was just sick of thinkin it. Dont know if I actually tried very hard to stop until then tho.
But the final key for me was the topa. I still take it and thank the good Lord for it. It still gets hard for me I am just glad I have my eight and a half months and wanna keep going.
Just keep on trying Diane.