It?s becoming clearer to me now, after a few months sober, just how much of a rut I was in during my drinking years. I mean, I knew I was in a bad routine: drink, get drunk, and have remorse over and over and over. Yep, that?s a rut. Add to that trying to quit and failing over and over and over ? and feeling like a failure and reinforcing that feeling time and time again ? and you have a person who starts out feeling pretty low and spirals downward. It?s amazing that I was able to keep it up as long as I did.
What I didn?t realize, and what is just now beginning to come into focus as the fog lifts, is the extent to which I had become paralyzed in many areas of life. It?s not just that I felt like a failure in terms of quitting drinking. I was stuck in a rut of not venturing out to try things, not attempting to do things that I really wanted to do, for fear of failure ? or perhaps for fear of success. Instead of actually doing anything with life, I would drink (or in some cases I would find alternative addictive behaviors to distract me) and never face reality. I stayed locked in a tiny little world, never leaving my comfort zone, never venturing out to see what might be.
I was one of those people who always talked about the grand things I?d do ?one day.? I?d buy a house, I?d travel the world, I?d learn to ski, etc. etc. etc. These were all things that I really wanted to do, at least at one time in my life. I remember when I was 18 everything seemed possible to me ? and of course it was. I had plans of doing things like living in a foreign country, learning other languages and cultures, and maybe even learning to fly a plane. Somewhere along the way these things just became unimportant or impossible to me. Why???
I suppose it?s natural to have big dreams when you?re 18, and for those dreams to be tempered as you age. At 38 I am a little more concerned with things like health coverage and retirement plans than I was 20 years ago. But where along the way did I decide that things were just impossible for me?
If I look back, things started becoming impossible for me when I stopped believing in myself, when I stopped respecting myself, when I stopped honoring this life and this body that I?ve been given. And it didn?t happen overnight. It took years. It was a small choice here, another one there. During my 20?s I started giving up on myself in little ways, settling for the comfort that alcohol offered to get me through. And it worked, at least for a while.
But of course you cannot rest in that state if you know there?s something better. And of course there?s something better. There is living in a way that you can look yourself in the mirror. There is being able to get up in the morning and remember the night before. There is meeting the responsibilities of the day with your own strength. And there is stepping outside your comfort zone ? reaching for something outside your reach ? and believing enough in yourself to do it. Maybe I do need to be concerned with health coverage and retirement plans ? I?d be a fool not to be, I suppose ? but that doesn?t mean I need to be afraid to take risks and try new things.
For so long I kept myself ?busy? with alcohol: drinking, trying not to drink, failing at trying not to drink, etc. Now that I?m finally getting somewhere with this recovery business ? and I?ve only just begun ? I can see that I have a whole world out there waiting for me. I can see that nothing is impossible if I choose to do it.
It?s as if there?s a river inside me that?s been dammed for a long time. The biggest boulder in the dam was alcohol, and that?s been removed. There are still other boulders there, restricting the water?s flow, but at least it?s flowing. And it?s gaining force.
Thanks for reading my musings.
Mike
What I didn?t realize, and what is just now beginning to come into focus as the fog lifts, is the extent to which I had become paralyzed in many areas of life. It?s not just that I felt like a failure in terms of quitting drinking. I was stuck in a rut of not venturing out to try things, not attempting to do things that I really wanted to do, for fear of failure ? or perhaps for fear of success. Instead of actually doing anything with life, I would drink (or in some cases I would find alternative addictive behaviors to distract me) and never face reality. I stayed locked in a tiny little world, never leaving my comfort zone, never venturing out to see what might be.
I was one of those people who always talked about the grand things I?d do ?one day.? I?d buy a house, I?d travel the world, I?d learn to ski, etc. etc. etc. These were all things that I really wanted to do, at least at one time in my life. I remember when I was 18 everything seemed possible to me ? and of course it was. I had plans of doing things like living in a foreign country, learning other languages and cultures, and maybe even learning to fly a plane. Somewhere along the way these things just became unimportant or impossible to me. Why???
I suppose it?s natural to have big dreams when you?re 18, and for those dreams to be tempered as you age. At 38 I am a little more concerned with things like health coverage and retirement plans than I was 20 years ago. But where along the way did I decide that things were just impossible for me?
If I look back, things started becoming impossible for me when I stopped believing in myself, when I stopped respecting myself, when I stopped honoring this life and this body that I?ve been given. And it didn?t happen overnight. It took years. It was a small choice here, another one there. During my 20?s I started giving up on myself in little ways, settling for the comfort that alcohol offered to get me through. And it worked, at least for a while.
But of course you cannot rest in that state if you know there?s something better. And of course there?s something better. There is living in a way that you can look yourself in the mirror. There is being able to get up in the morning and remember the night before. There is meeting the responsibilities of the day with your own strength. And there is stepping outside your comfort zone ? reaching for something outside your reach ? and believing enough in yourself to do it. Maybe I do need to be concerned with health coverage and retirement plans ? I?d be a fool not to be, I suppose ? but that doesn?t mean I need to be afraid to take risks and try new things.
For so long I kept myself ?busy? with alcohol: drinking, trying not to drink, failing at trying not to drink, etc. Now that I?m finally getting somewhere with this recovery business ? and I?ve only just begun ? I can see that I have a whole world out there waiting for me. I can see that nothing is impossible if I choose to do it.
It?s as if there?s a river inside me that?s been dammed for a long time. The biggest boulder in the dam was alcohol, and that?s been removed. There are still other boulders there, restricting the water?s flow, but at least it?s flowing. And it?s gaining force.
Thanks for reading my musings.
Mike
Control the Mind
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