In August of this year, I had four years of sobriety under my belt. I was proud of that and felt pretty good. But I fell into the trap of thinking maybe I was "cured" by having gone through that and was also older and wiser and I know many "normal" people drink less as they get older so I decided to experiment with moderating.
I'm back here so you can guess how that went, eh? I haven't been here in so long but logged in this morning and the first message I read was celebrating five years and reread the struggle. I am trying to find my old posts so I can reread my own story and remind myself about how far it was.
Let me tell you about the attempt to moderate for those of you thinking it might be an option.... I've done really well and event went on a trip to France and drank not a sip for those four years. But I began to think I missed wine with a meal, I missed a beer by the pool (though I do have oDouls for the taste).
I talked to my husband and told him I wanted to have A glass of wine at a party we went to during a week of special festival events that included a lot of social events. He was supportive but cautious. He went to hell and back with me for many years. That first night that I decided to something happened that made the night emotional and I wound up not having that glass because I knew having alcohol in an emotional setting was not a good idea. The next night I did have a glass and it was ok. The third night I already pulled out the old trick of stopping for a mini vodka and red bull on the way to special event! The slide was that quick! That drug hit my brain and four years of discipline and strength went right back to sneakiness and needing to take the edge off before an event.
After that week of festive stuff, I didn't drink again for two weeks and I thought that was good. Then we were out at a restaurant with a bunch of beer drinkers and I had a beer. .... but again after a stop at the store for a mini. One is never enough. How many times have we all heard that?
Over the last couple of weeks I've had a drink or two almost every day. And not just with my husband or not just at an event. All the rules I said I'd do when I tried - only with other people, only once a week, only at a special event. Over the seven weeks since I decided to try moderating, (49 days roughly), I've probably had a drink about 25 of them... more over the last week which is the scary part. The escalation. The need. The buying a bottle to hide and have one here and there. I havent' gotten "drunk" but I the cloudiness in my brain last night, the waking in the middle of the night, and the not being fully in the moment for a couple of things lately really bothers me.
It's not possible! My brain chemistry will not allow me to have any alcohol. So, today is my 41st birthday and I am being re-born into sobriety. Over the past 4 years I've proven I can do it and I felt great. I tried the moderation for this little interlude and I guess I've answered the question for myself forever - I am not able to drink.
So, please welcome me back so I can make sure I master this again?
I'm back here so you can guess how that went, eh? I haven't been here in so long but logged in this morning and the first message I read was celebrating five years and reread the struggle. I am trying to find my old posts so I can reread my own story and remind myself about how far it was.
Let me tell you about the attempt to moderate for those of you thinking it might be an option.... I've done really well and event went on a trip to France and drank not a sip for those four years. But I began to think I missed wine with a meal, I missed a beer by the pool (though I do have oDouls for the taste).
I talked to my husband and told him I wanted to have A glass of wine at a party we went to during a week of special festival events that included a lot of social events. He was supportive but cautious. He went to hell and back with me for many years. That first night that I decided to something happened that made the night emotional and I wound up not having that glass because I knew having alcohol in an emotional setting was not a good idea. The next night I did have a glass and it was ok. The third night I already pulled out the old trick of stopping for a mini vodka and red bull on the way to special event! The slide was that quick! That drug hit my brain and four years of discipline and strength went right back to sneakiness and needing to take the edge off before an event.
After that week of festive stuff, I didn't drink again for two weeks and I thought that was good. Then we were out at a restaurant with a bunch of beer drinkers and I had a beer. .... but again after a stop at the store for a mini. One is never enough. How many times have we all heard that?
Over the last couple of weeks I've had a drink or two almost every day. And not just with my husband or not just at an event. All the rules I said I'd do when I tried - only with other people, only once a week, only at a special event. Over the seven weeks since I decided to try moderating, (49 days roughly), I've probably had a drink about 25 of them... more over the last week which is the scary part. The escalation. The need. The buying a bottle to hide and have one here and there. I havent' gotten "drunk" but I the cloudiness in my brain last night, the waking in the middle of the night, and the not being fully in the moment for a couple of things lately really bothers me.
It's not possible! My brain chemistry will not allow me to have any alcohol. So, today is my 41st birthday and I am being re-born into sobriety. Over the past 4 years I've proven I can do it and I felt great. I tried the moderation for this little interlude and I guess I've answered the question for myself forever - I am not able to drink.
So, please welcome me back so I can make sure I master this again?
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