100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

[Byrdlady]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

Dang...I feel stoooopid. I just couldn't accept the fact that I couldn't make it work! Failure was not an option...I HAD to figure out a way to continue to drink! It was WHO I was!! I had a big education coming up, didn't I?? It sure has been, too. To say this is a journey of self discovery is a disservice. Every day that passes, I like ME a little more, and AL is nowhere in sight! Imagine that...all this trouble to get BACK to normal. Byrdie

[Pinecone]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

Hi Friends, great to see you all today.

Sunbeam, interesting topic and very interesting responses so far. I have only quit this one time. I am a painfully literal person, and I was absolutely terrified to give up drinking for ever until I quit just before coming to MWO. To me quit means quit. I wanted to quit for years, but I was way too scared to do it. I "cut back, took breaks, slowed down," and generally dicked around for years. I tried to do "one and done" (which always changed to "two and through"). All versions of moderating, although I never used that word for it. It was just another way to lie to myself and my wife about the extent of my problem. Like Byrdie, I always made up for it by "rewarding myself for some good behavior." I had taken some longer breaks in the past, like four months and then the odd month here and there. One time after a rotten three day hangover I didn't drink for a month just out of sheer disgust, but it wasn't anything serious and I started up again. The games all came to an end when I realized that I just could not continue living my life that way. I had an experience that helped me realize some things, and I simply cannot throw that away for anything. Thanks for the thought provoking topic!

[Turnagain]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

I was one of those who was pretty darn sure that I had just let a habit run amok. I could rack up a few months of AF time....just to give the system a reset. Yeah. Well. That happened again and again and again. And again and again and again. Funny how I never considered those attempts to cut back ...."quits." By the time I realized that it wasn't a bad habit, but a full blown drinking-mass-quantities-every-day addiction...I found I could no longer just stop. I was so scared. About everything. I couldn't even get ONE day one.

THE first day that finally changed my life came unexpectedly. I was so sick and fatigued from drinking the night before that I ended up huddling on the couch for the day. I came here and read...all day....and really dug in when the cravings begin to take hold. It was a rough first week...and I knew I couldn't do that again.

So...I knew something had to change. And that was my understanding of what alcohol does to our system. I did a ton of reading and learning. It became very clear that it would be futile to fight the facts. Alcohol is a toxin and it alters and damages every part of our bodies. Even in smaller quantities, alcohol has a detrimental impact on our bodies. Besides the ethanol...there's the sugar content which messes up the works in its own ways.

Besides educating myself about the realities of alcohol, I looked around MWO and paid attention to the people who were living contentedly...Lav...Byrdie...Kas....DoggyGirl... and I saw NORMAL people with incredibly full lives....nothing missing. And what they all had in common was....they no longer drank. So...with their encouragement and support, I took what I felt was a huge step and decided to never drink alcohol again....no matter what.

It was the most incredibly liberating decision I've ever made. That decision came pretty darn quick without a lot of fanfare into what I consider to be my first and last quit. And I've been embracing the healing ever since. By adding daily meditation/mindfulness and gratitude I've found that I have never been happier or healthier in my life.

Who knew? The only thing I should've ever been afraid of....was staying addicted.

[Turnagain]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

Forgot to add...the other thing Lav...Brydie, Kas And Doggy G have in common....

They are all 29 - just like me! And they are babes. Thazzz right!

[mario]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

It took me quite a few years before I finally quit,I was forever talking about cutting down,especially after massive binges, and every year I stopped drinking for a bout 8/7/6/5/4 weeks,In reality I was just fooling my self as I was just white knuckling it till my start up date again and heart on hearts was never really sincere in stopping at all,But on jan 13th 09 I awoke and said that's it never again and as they say the rest is history...

[Lavande]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

Amen to that Mario

Turn, it's not easy being a 29 year old granny of 3 but I do my best :H:H

[K9Lover]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

I don't even know how many times I "quit"....I've been here since 2010 and tracked my drinking for years before that. "Normal" people don't track their drinking! I knew in the back of my mind that what I was doing was not normal and I needed to quit. 2 DUI's and many horrible episodes didn't make me stop. I finally quit when it became harder to drink than to not drink. As for the smokes, I'd say this is my 4th SERIOUS attempt to quit and I think I may be on to something here...I don't even think about it like I did the previous times

[Byrdlady]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

Turn...great point..the first sure sign that you are one of us is when you try to stop and realize you can't. You can take all the 'Cosmo' quizes you want to, but this one separates the men from the boys. b

[Wildflowers]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

I tried to quit many ~ many times over 10.5 yrs. I've lost count. It was still providing enough positives. In my twenties & thirties I was a high functioning person for the most part. Binging sometimes. The dopamine reward circuit was satisfying... Later it was self medicating. Personal ~ private reasons... Later it stopped working. I lied the loudest to myself!!!...

Made many broken promises to myself, my family, over & over.... This was even after almost dieing with either .36 or .38 BAL. 10.5 yrs ago. I've never asked my GP to look at my records. No this isn't normal! However, normal is subjective in other matters. I had things I needed to deal with. For some after quitting alcohol life returns to normal. Yes, in general it will get better, still there may be unresolved problems that need addressing. People should seek help if they need it. I've met Dr's, attorneys, lay people who also needed professional help.

I've had 2-3 months of sobriety stints over the last 4 ~ 5 yrs ( when I was more serious about trying to get sober). One time close to eight months. The alcoholism was progressing!.... My personal problems also needed addressing.

I'd have one year of sobriety this March if I hadn't gone on a 10 day run on beer. Which I didn't drink every day, but the last two days, I was drunk... That's how quickly "AlcoHell" returned for me. It's a progressive disease imo. There for the grace of God, go I.

I'm serious about my sobriety & recovery Now. I'm a grateful ~ lucky ~ recovering ~ sober ~ alcoholic woman today! I'm hell of a lot more then that too!..

I call myself an alcoholic because its my truth, my fact & it's not a label to me!... I'm awesome!!! It's how I never want to forget where I came from. There were times I drank from just habit, boredom, what ever. I'm still an alcoholic... I can't control my drinking when I start... It controls me! Rarely have I ever been able to since I was a teenager. I'd be jonezen for more. The physical cravings become ignited, then the mind as the physiology is set in motion.

Today my disease sits in remission... It no longer matters to me what anybody else calls it or doesn't call it.... I only need to never forget & do what's best for MY sobriety ~ recovery... To drink is to die for me! I want to live, be healthier & content. Contentment doesn't necessarily equal extraordinary happiness all the time. I'm work in progress, still learning, full of hope today, grateful to be alive! This is my final quit, it has to & needs to be! I'm happy about it & my family is thrilled to!...

[Hippyman]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

Great topic! I guess I knew as a kid that I was gonna have alcohol issues. My Mom was the leader of a ala~teen group and she made me attend. Both my real Dad and step~dad were alcoholic. In fact almost everyone in my family is alcoholic or diabetic. Since I wasn't diabetic I figured I'd be alcoholic. In my family you either get one disease or the other. I drank alot thru college and the early years of my 1st marriage. As my kids grew I knew that I was not emotional there for them. I wanted to isolate and drink. Being a good parent was important to me so I quit! I attended a few AA meetings to get support in the beginning but really didn't connect with their philosophy and for me. At that time, it was easy not to drink. I didn't drink for well over 10 years. I turned to alcohol during my divorce. It went down hill quickly from there. I struggled to get sober. I'd have many months AF and think I could handle a drink. Sometimes I'd get away with it for a week or so but I always ended up drunk. Then a few years ago I found baclofen. For a long time I played with drinking and baclofen. I had the power not to drink but I drank anyway. Then I'd quit for a few months and go off bac and end up drunk again. Last August I had a major slip and nearly drank myself to death. I left my body and saw how beautiful and peaceful it is on the other side. Part of me wanted to stay but I saw that I had a chance to come back and make amends for all my mistakes. That date was Sept. 24th and I haven't had a drink of alcohol since and never will again. When I woke up, I was SO VERY SICK! I had alcohol poisoning. I didn't know if it was day or night. I hardly knew my own name. Thank God I knew enough to ask a fellow alcoholic to move in with me and nursed me back to life. It took weeks but he stayed by my side. He made fresh juices for me cause I couldn't get food down. He saved me from dieing and now I cherish every minute of my life.

[Wildflowers]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

One of the other reasons it took me so long to peel the last layer of denial back was, because I also had plenty of times over the yrs where I was able to drink a couple of beers, or wine & stop, which confused me... I still enjoyed the buzz. Or I could drink slowly & not feel the effects. Then there were other times where I gulped, over drank, drank alone. I never knew if something bad was going to happen.

In reality there were more of those times if I'm being completely honest with myself. As it progresses with time & age. When I was drinking from pain, or anxiety the amounts increased. I also had to work hard at those one, two or three drinks spaced with timing & a full belly. This didn't work so well with hard liquor.

I really wanted to be done this time, with my whole soul & spirit. I knew I was dying inside & out. I finally was able to accept at the 100% level my alcoholism for what it is. I am an alcoholic... It doesn't mean I'm a bad person, that I should feel shame because my brain & body is wired differently. Yet, I'm responsible to do something about it!....

I don't tell many people... They don't understand anyway & there's too much stigma still in society, even in some medical corners.

I don't fear today walking into a nice lounge, venue, grocery store either... Yet, I don't purchase it or have it in my home at this point & may never. I believe to each their own & whatever works for them is all that matters!...

[Byrdlady]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

WF, I see Denial as the #1 stumbling block! As I try to get my arms around this whole thing and have some time under my belt, I can see that now. I was my own worst enemy....'I'm not THAT bad' compared to WHAT? Like K9 says, what NORMAL person tracks his/her drinks????
I see so many come in and say I drink every night, I get wasted, I black out... but I'm not an ALK. Hummm....

The way I see it...if you don't recognize it, you can't heal from it...like treating a disease when you don't know what it is...you do all sorts of things but nothing works until you figure out what you have exactly. Then you can use the laser and remove it. In our case, eliminating AL is the cure....but if you can't see that's the problem it's going to be a long, painful illness. (been there). I think that having a slip and 'getting away with it' is almost worse than completely falling on yer ass. Because you will ALWAYS test it again.. just like a mouse with that cheese. It's going to catch you sooner or later. Blips on your radar soon become blobs that can't be ignored. B

[Catbuddy]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

Hi all,

This is my first and only quit.

I tried to moderate for years. I had been a reasonable level drinker until a few years ago when it started to accelerate. By the end, I was drinking within ranges (3 glasses to 1.5 bottles a night). When I managed just 3, I was very proud. When I drank 1.5, I was awful. Overall, it didn't feel like success.

I joined MWO without the intent of "30 days then try moderation." I was a mess, and was going to stop until I decided if I could safely restart. That might be 30 days, or six months. But when I started, I hoped I could return. I just wouldn't experiment.

During those first few months, I learned about relapse, and how stopping gets harder. Star's quote that my next drink may be my last day sober shocked me. Was it possible I wouldn't be able to decide to quit again, if moderation failed? How horrible. Could I take that risk? No.

I was a failure at moderating. I'm not used to failing in life.
I am a success at abstinence. That builds confidence, momentum and strength in me.

Just four plus months in, but it's a serious commitment for me, and I don't intend to restart.

Cat

[blondie]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

Hi

Great thread.

Wildflowers - my experiences mirror a lot of yours, particularly with regard to the confusion of being able to drink in moderation on many occasions. So perhaps I really just needed to get some sort of control on my drinking rather than quitting. Well, we know how that ends...:H

Byrdlady - I loved, and realted to, this too: "I tried to quit for a year. I called it moderating... I never drank harder...

Hippyman - I did get a wry smile from your "Since I wasn't diabetic I figured I'd be alcoholic". "So, young Mr Hippy, what would you like? We have alcoholism or diabetes!" (Sorry, don't mean to trivialise/offend.)

I think I'd tried for a number of years, but it was just to cut down or have a break; quitting alcohol and living a full/happy life were mutually exclusive to me I also looked on these boards and thought no one was as bad as me ("you only have 4 drinks/night?!! I wish") so that led me to believe it would be too hard or impossible. But rapidly deteriorating health and conditions solely brought on by drinking, plus the fear and realisation this would really kill me, brought me to my senses. (It also helped that health professionals and expensive alternative health practitioners were washing their hands of me:H) I'd like to say the rest is history. But I know how easily I have fallend apart in the past and alcohol has always been my coping mechanism. I am, however, completely amazed with myself now!!

Goodnight and thank you for tuning in

[kuya]

100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

Catbuddy;1458315 wrote:
During those first few months, I learned about relapse, and how stopping gets harder. Star's quote that my next drink may be my last day sober shocked me. Was it possible I wouldn't be able to decide to quit again, if moderation failed? How horrible. Could I take that risk? No.

I was a failure at moderating. I'm not used to failing in life.
I am a success at abstinence. That builds confidence, momentum and strength in me.

Just four plus months in, but it's a serious commitment for me, and I don't intend to restart.

Cat

I could have written these words Cat :h