100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

[Cherokeer]

Hello Everyone, just a quick check in. Been having computer issues. I got it fixed and it stopped working the day I got it back. Still standing strong, 11 months now and looking forward to my big 1 year. Not super excited about the summer, so many invites to hang with the drinking crowd. I'd rather stay home then watch a bunch of people get drunker and louder as the night goes on. I remember a time when all I wanted to do was hang out and drink with people. I've had some epiphany's lately. Seems I have a lot of self-forgiving to do. For the last year I have felt like I deserve some punishment for the past sins of drinking. The guilt truly eating a hole in my soul. I finally realized the toll I was exacting from myself to pay penance for my past drinking sins was also affecting the people around me. I'm going to try to stop paying the price for real and imagined sins. The first year was about stopping AL. Year 2 is when I will be re-inventing myself into who I want to be.

[Matt M.]

. I've had some epiphany's lately. Seems I have a lot of self-forgiving to do. For the last year I have felt like I deserve some punishment for the past sins of drinking. The guilt truly eating a hole in my soul. I finally realized the toll I was exacting from myself to pay penance for my past drinking sins was also affecting the people around me. I'm going to try to stop paying the price for real and imagined sins. The first year was about stopping AL. Year 2 is when I will be re-inventing myself into who I want to be.

Hey Lady! I was thinking about you the other day, I'm glad I glanced over and saw your post.

Your post was great and is reassurance that I'm not completely insane.
I am so hard on myself and have great guilt for my past behavior. I have taken these frustrations out on my wife. We were having a little "disagreement" the other day.
I told her we were likely arguing because of her pinned up resentments, from my past.
She told me in a tone or voice that is unmistakable for her being serious, " I have forgiven you, the problem is you haven't forgiven yourself!"

She was right, and even though she has told me this, I still struggle to forgive myself. There are things that only me, my maker and a few others know, and I'm sure is some of the reason for my guilt.
I have to believe talking about it and being aware of it is a start?

Stay Hard my friend!

[NoSugar]

Ann Carolina started a thread on the topic of the past and self forgiveness: https://www.mywayout.org/community/sh...h-bad-memories.

[Matt M.]

Thank you KK

[Cherokeer]

Matt, I'm with you there. The things that eat at my soul are things no one will ever know. You can't trust people they are treacherous and unpredictable. Therefore the only way to ensure my past sins are never revealed is to keep my own counsel. It's a lonely and painful place. I'm so ashamed of so many things. Some days I just want to weep all days. No one ever knows because I'm pretty stoic on the outside. I decided that I can't change the past as much as I wish I could. All I can do is be the best person I can now. I try to be the best wife, mother, worker, and human I can. It's all I can do. Drowning in guilt wasn't making me any better, only worse. Don't get me wrong there are some days I still hate myself but I am trying to hard to forgive myself and make a conscious effort when my thoughts start going down the rabbit hole to say to myself "No I'm not doing this to myself today, I forgive myself." It sounds goofy but it works for me.

Guilt hurts in so many ways and helps nothing. Let it go my friend, let the weight off your soul. You'll breathe easier, I know I do. Hang in there Matt.

[Sunbeam]

Matt and Cherokeer, some people find that writing a letter can be helpful for this issue. It seems to be one of the struggles for all of us once we have stopped drinking. At some point you do want to just keep kicking yourself for not seeing sooner that drinking was a bad thing in our lives, nothing good at all. You could probably do some googling on this topic, gather some pertinent thoughts for yourself, write them all down. After that you can burn it, or whatever else you like.

[NoSugar]

Chero, I hope you don't really feel like this

You can't trust people they are treacherous and unpredictable.

Some people are, it's true, and I've spent a lot of my life trying to hide my flaws. I guess I didn't trust others to like me if I wasn't as perfect as possible. Being more honest here, and seeing how for the most part people treat one another, has given me more faith in the human condition. Look at all the people trying to help one another, several of whom could probably leave MWO and be just fine, with no incentive other than a desire to help another person find the same freedom and peace. I think it's really inspiring. I agree that telling your story to someone - even an anonymous "stranger"-or just writing it out for yourself could do you a world of good. I'm not Catholic but I can see how confession might be a very helpful thing. Holding on to guilt just tears us apart. xx NS

[Byrdlady]

Great topic. I think that time heals a lot of things. Maybe forgiveness and acceptance go hand in hand. I look back and I cringe at some of the things I did, but I accept that I did them. I am a different person now. I am making peace with my past and making new and better memories. My accomplishments of the last 4 years are making me proud. That goes a long way in negating what happened before. At least that is what I have experienced. Hugs to all, Byrdie

[Matt M.]

From A link that NS shared, and is fitting

" The past has no power over the present moment.”

[Lavande]

A book that helped me get rid of a lot of that painful stuff is 'Radical Forgiveness' by Colin Tipping.

http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Forgiveness-Revolutionary-Five-Stage-Relationships/dp/1591797640/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1430617888&sr=8-1&keywords=radical+forgiveness+tipping

Definitely worth the read folks

[Cherokeer]

No Sugar, I absolutely do feel that way. People are the most treacherous creatures on the planet. I have no faith in people they will turn on you. If not today then tomorrow. The only way to ensure that people can't truly hurt you is to not give them the ammunition to do so. I never give people information that can and will be used against me a later date. That includes close friends because you never know when they will turn on you. I grew up with some of the most vicious people imaginable and I learned at a very young age to protect myself. Don't get me wrong I feel I just do not react. I share but not with information that can later be forged into a weapon that can be used to hurt me. Life has only reinforced those lessons. At the end of this month I will have hit a year AF and I am happier than I have ever been.

[Lavande]

Chero, we will be here to help you celebrate your 1 year AF - terrific
I'm glad you are happy & doing well!

Lav

[Pavati]

I really DO need to read that book, Lav. I have a couple of skeletons that haunt me from time to time. I need to let go!

Happy almost year, Chero!

[jane27]

I'm sharing this because I have the feeling its wrong, or maybe I'm just having selective memory today. I don't feel as guilty or ashamed about my drinking as I think I should based on the feedback I have seen from my respected contemporaries. I feel guilty that I subjected my liver & health to such toxins, and I haven't forgotten embarrassing myself, and all the times I fell down- broke toes, needed stitches, acted overly intense and dramatic- but I don't feel like I crippled with guilt and hanging onto it like a boulder. Am I in denial?

[Elvis]

I don't really feel guilty and ashamed either. I mean, I do, but it doesn't comsume me. When I think back on certain specific times or events, I might feel some guilt or shame, but I don't feel like I need to beg forgivemess or owe anyone apologies, other than ones I've already made a long time ago. For me, I don't think it's denial. In fact, I think it maybe fits more under acceptance. I know what I did. I remember (or don't remember) the events I missed out on, the bad times, the pain, the neverending quest to drink that next drink, the damage I did to my body, etc. But it's a chapter in my life that's closed now. It's done and over. The past is in the past. It's not something I'm going to forget, but it's not something I need to beat myself up over.