I?ve thought of posting on my sobriety anniversary every year but haven?t. I did come back occasionally though, for a reality check, to see if anyone I knew in 2010 was still posting, and to mentally compare notes with other long-term abstainers. I see so many posts wishing other LTAs would check in, so this year, year 4, here?s a quick note.
My life is a thousand times better without alcohol. This is not necessarily to say happier, but more about living truer, richer, and deeper, being present. It?s not because I stopped feeling anxious and overwhelmed and tired and frustrated, but because I sat with all of those things rather than medicating them, so I could actually deal with them (or at least get started on the process).
It?s possible to break out of alcohol?s orbit, because I did it. I seldom think about alcohol anymore; all my friends and relatives know I don?t drink anymore, so even the awkward explanations when people ask are mostly a thing of the past. I cringe when I think of the time I DID waste thinking about it, almost every waking hour when I wasn?t drinking it. I've used that time to sort through the underwear drawer of the soul, even that stuff way in the back. I?m coming to terms with who I am, and ::::::thud::::: as it turns out, I?m okay.
It?s not necessarily causal, but not by chance either, that in the 4 years since I quit drinking I?ve remarried, gone back to graduate school, nursed a son who was diagnosed with bipolar II, took up running, lost 40+ lbs, changed my church, changed many of my friends, started saying ?yes,? and--even harder--started saying ?no.? But most of all, my husband and children are now proud rather than ashamed of me, or worried for me. And I?m not ashamed of myself. That, my struggling friends, is Everything. Not being a fake or a liar, all day, every day, especially to myself.
One thing I will say to newbies is that moderation does not seem to work. I?ve seen the mod boards roll over many times, and always for the same reason: those trying to moderate have fallen back into heavy drinking. I tried it myself, at least every six months for years. Maybe there are exceptions, but studies don?t support it (for those who appreciate irony, I?m a drug and alcohol research editor, and was before I quit). I wish, or used to wish, there was another way, but, to be blunt, if you?re a drunk, the only way to succeed is never to drink again. Instead of regretting or resenting it, embrace it and be grateful that you're alive and can feel joy, and pain, and everything in between.
I?ll try to post again in future years, but if I don?t, rest assured it will never be because I?m drinking again.
Now, if you?ll excuse me, this 50-year-old has homework to do. Seize the reins, lovebugs. xx :l
Pride
My life is a thousand times better without alcohol. This is not necessarily to say happier, but more about living truer, richer, and deeper, being present. It?s not because I stopped feeling anxious and overwhelmed and tired and frustrated, but because I sat with all of those things rather than medicating them, so I could actually deal with them (or at least get started on the process).
It?s possible to break out of alcohol?s orbit, because I did it. I seldom think about alcohol anymore; all my friends and relatives know I don?t drink anymore, so even the awkward explanations when people ask are mostly a thing of the past. I cringe when I think of the time I DID waste thinking about it, almost every waking hour when I wasn?t drinking it. I've used that time to sort through the underwear drawer of the soul, even that stuff way in the back. I?m coming to terms with who I am, and ::::::thud::::: as it turns out, I?m okay.
It?s not necessarily causal, but not by chance either, that in the 4 years since I quit drinking I?ve remarried, gone back to graduate school, nursed a son who was diagnosed with bipolar II, took up running, lost 40+ lbs, changed my church, changed many of my friends, started saying ?yes,? and--even harder--started saying ?no.? But most of all, my husband and children are now proud rather than ashamed of me, or worried for me. And I?m not ashamed of myself. That, my struggling friends, is Everything. Not being a fake or a liar, all day, every day, especially to myself.
One thing I will say to newbies is that moderation does not seem to work. I?ve seen the mod boards roll over many times, and always for the same reason: those trying to moderate have fallen back into heavy drinking. I tried it myself, at least every six months for years. Maybe there are exceptions, but studies don?t support it (for those who appreciate irony, I?m a drug and alcohol research editor, and was before I quit). I wish, or used to wish, there was another way, but, to be blunt, if you?re a drunk, the only way to succeed is never to drink again. Instead of regretting or resenting it, embrace it and be grateful that you're alive and can feel joy, and pain, and everything in between.
I?ll try to post again in future years, but if I don?t, rest assured it will never be because I?m drinking again.
Now, if you?ll excuse me, this 50-year-old has homework to do. Seize the reins, lovebugs. xx :l
Pride
? The heavy drinkers I hung with are still heavy drinking, and I don't spend much time with them--including many in my own family. I have taken flak for that, and derision, (I'm a "snob" and "no fun anymore"), but I used to do that to nondrinkers too, so who am I to complain? It hurts, but I get it. I avoid them.
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