For the Children

[j-vo]

Hi everyone,

I'm going to talk about one of my major concerns when my drinking got out of hand. My child. My young son, 11, saw me at my worst more than once. It's something that I regret the most and feel most horrible about.

When I drank hard liquor, I ended up being so sloppy and unaware of what I was doing. Not only did my son notice that his mom was drunk, but others close to me. But it was my son who made it hit home the most. He would say to me, "Mom, you were so drunk last night." I hated those words more than anything. And of course, he said it more than once. I ended up hating myself so often, full of regret, remorse, anger, depression, sadness.

When I decided at the end of the summer to go AF, it was not just for myself, my family, and my life, but mostly for my son. I couldn't bare to be that sloppy mom anymore, miss anymore of his games, too tired to do this or that. I didn't want him growing up seeing me like that-I hurt so much inside because of this. I can say that he hasn't said this to me since the middle of August, and it feels great knowing that I'm a good mom again. Not the best mom, but attentive, loving, affectionate, and trying to be the best role model I can be for him.

I'd thought about talking to him about my drinking, our family history of alcoholism, and the years I'd lost because of it all. I want to caution him against the dangers of alcohol (my father in law died from liver cancer as a result of drinking), the loss of life, the dangers of drinking and driving (although he's got a ways to go for that) and so many other issues. I don't know when to do this or how. When would be the right time to go into detail about the family history. When would be the right time to talk about my problems to him so that he doesn't go down the same road that I did.

I know his life is so completely different than how I grew up. He's got so much more confidence and self-esteem, is an incredible athlete, and I want that to continue for him. I want him to feel secure in life, like I was not. My parents never talked much about their mistakes in life, or family history. I have two beautiful, wonderful parents I love dearly and who did their very best. I'm not blaming them for anything, just thinking about my son and his future.

I know at times, he (my son) didn't want to be alone with me because he was afraid to be. He couldn't trust that I wouldn't drink. He's still afraid to be alone in the house by himself, and when I was drunk, I know he felt alone. I don't know how to make that up to him, but I know that he loves me.

Just some thoughts, and if anyone has any advice to give about the communication with him, it's welcome. Thanks.

[zed]

For the Children

Dear J-vo,

thanks for this post. I'm sure this thread will resonate among a lot of the Squad and other folks, and there will be a lot of response and shared experience. It seems that I'm the first to see it (how Ironic, me the bachelor boy) but I wanted to write anyway, even though I have no child to take care of (other than myself) everyday.

I think these few things, very simply.

1. We all have regrets and people we have hurt with our drinking and in general. There is a lot of pain there for all of us. Which one of us hasn't gotten wasted, and in one way or another, shamed ourselves in front of our most loved ones? Not many can say they haven't, I'm sure. A son, a daughter, a partner, a companion, a parent... a friend... we have ALL done it. Otherwise I do think we wouldn't be here. But the point is (hard as it is, and god knows I struggle with this everyday, in some shape or form) that we must put the past behind us. The regret demon must be banished. The past is done. Don't look back. And let's walk on. Which brings me to the next point.

2. You are looking forward, healing yourself and doing the right thing now. So the best thing you can do for your son is let him remember the next few (most impressionable) young years of his life that his Mom got her sh*t together and had a clear head and took care of him, and was around for him when he needed her. The next few years, 11-15... this is what he needs to see, consistently. His mum being there at this games, giving him the strong clean home he wants and needs to be a success as a young man. The past pre-11 years will be relegated to a distant memory for him going forward and it will become dimmer and dimmer each day that he sees his new mom.

3. the day will come when he will grow up into a young man of drinking age. And beyond that. And the legacy you will leave him will be of a human being that was his mother, who stumbled at times in his childhood, BUT who picked herself up, learned from her mistakes, and changed into someone better. What greater legacy is there to leave? And he will in time realize that the whole world is filled with flawed, struggling beings. Even the presidents of the world are flawed. And even our parents. No one was perfect, and not even his mom. But she was strong and she wanted to and tried hard to be better. And I'm willing to bet that he will also realize, one day many years from now, when he thinks of you, that you did it for HIM. He will know this. And nothing will make him love you more and make him prouder.

Last points. Talking to him. I'd say (having been an eleven year old boy myself) wait for a while. Right now what he needs to see is his new mom. He needs you to show him by example. He is too young to understand what it means to drink and to need a drink. Let him be a boy and grow up slowly, and in a few years, when he comes of age, 4-5 years from now, then I'd say that would be the time to talk to him. You will by then have redeemed yourself and the mistakes you made in the by then distant past, and you will be able to hold your head up high and sit him down, and talk to him about the family history, just at the right time in his life when he will be getting exposed to matters like drinking.

Definitely do talk to him about it. But not as yet. Right now your words must be your actions. That's what he needs to hear and see. And later, your words can be your words, when he is old enough to understand and all this is in the far distant past for him, and he is a young man on the cusp of manhood.

Big hug Jvo.

Z

[Lila]

For the Children

hi J-vo

Zed really said best what I wanted to say. We all have our stories, and your son does too.
What you really are doing so right is working on your problem. And that I really believe is SO much more valuable than being perfect.
Remember also - spiritually he choose YOU to be his mother.
I also believe that when your kids get older, more and more your role becomes friend, and for you to be more open about this in our addictive society, you will truly be a wise, compassionate friend.
For the present I would treat it somewhat lightly, now Mommy is not drinking anymore! but not be overly emotional in regrets and feelings and all that. Nobody likes that, and certainly not young men!

My parents were pretty cold and always had to be right. I think kids really like adults to treat them with respect and not talk down to them and always act authoritive. I think your relationship with him will only get stronger.
Hugs, wish I could make you feel better!
Lila

[DeeBee]

For the Children

Hi J-Vo,

This question was raised a little while by I think BoozeHag (sorry BH no more if I've got the wrong person). I remember at the time thinking that it would be a good idea to chat to my daughter about the dangers of AL and drug addiction. She has witnessed first hand both as my brother is a drug addict. For some reason I never persued it and I think it's because what our dear Boxer Boy has said is just so true.
My daughter needs me to show her by example and I think in years to come when I am even stronger and more confident my message will come across clearer.
My father had a problem with AL when we were kids... take note, I say problem as he put a stop to his drinking before I was old enough to realise it was a problem. We have recently had many a discussion about it as he feels he is to blame for my brothers addictions. It is heartbreaking to hear my father talk about how he was when he drank - it really hits close to home, but like Zed says I have the utmost respect for my Dad now because he is not perfect but he is strong!!

What ever decision you make, it will be right one for your son -- you know him best.
Love
Dee

[akgirl]

For the Children

Wow, that hit home. Not sure I have advice....all I can say it yes ray: for the children.

[j-vo]

For the Children

Zed, Deebs, Lila, and akgirl,
Thank you for your advice. Zed, I cried through yours, because this is such an emotional issue for me and I'm an extremely sensitive individual. Everything you said makes so much sense. Show him by our examples and actions. And yes, he still does have those years coming up where he'll need his mom's direction and positive examples. I will talk to him when the time is right. It's almost as though (wait not almost, but am) I'm relieved to show by example; that I don't have to have this conversation with him - not yet anyhow. Thank you for making me see perfect vs. strong person. No one is perfect, but over my life, I feel as though I've f-ed up more than most people.
I love him so much, and want him to know that. The only way he can know that is if I'm there for him.
I love you all so much too. Thank you for taking the time to reply, to care. Yes, I'm still crying! I'm giving you all a huge hug and kiss!

Oh, letting go of the past is such a hard thing for me to do. I know it's the right thing. It's the only way if one is to be at peace. But it's it most difficult thing, to let go of the mistakes, the resentment of others and their actions, my actions. I have found a new relationship with my MIL and it's only because I have let go of the past problems we had between ourselves. I'm grateful for that and it feels so good to let it go. I know it can be done - ain't easy, but it can be done. And it feels so great. Like a fairytale ending. Although life's only just begun.

[akgirl]

For the Children

I wish I had had some advice but I am going throughthe same thing. I am sending you hugs :l and I will bump my thread on teens, I was given some great advice.

Take Care

[j-vo]

For the Children

thanks akgirl! It's comforting to know we can support each other.

[zed]

For the Children

J-vo dear,
you know, when I was writing it, somehow I knew you'd cry when you read it. It's such an emotional subject, covering regret, guilt, love of our most cherished ones...childhood... and family history... powerful stuff, so I'm not surprised it brought some tears. It was cathartic for me to write it too. Very healing.

btw, you may have f*up a lot in your life. But don't for one second think you have more than the rest of us girl! I can give you such a huge laundry list of my f ups that it'll make your head spin. And I know many people like me, and worse...

cheers to you J-VO. HUGE HUG coming your way all the way from beijing.

z aka bb

[vera-b]

For the Children

Hi Miss J-vo,

This is an excellent thread! While it's our drinking we worry the most about with our kids, there are many other things we model for them everyday. So, do not let your past drinking define your motherhood. There's so much more than that. Brother Zed said it so well - the focus should be forward. In many respects you are so lucky - that you took control when your son was just 11, and there are many parenting years ahead. Give your relationship a few good years, which without the drunken episodes should be much more even keel. Then, as he approaches the high school years, you can be honest and admonish from an honest position. You won't be offering advice from some script, but from your own experience. I firmly believe our kids fully respect our honesty, and they know when we've taken on a challenge and won. These kinds of honest, frank discussions help cement an open relationship where anything can be said without judgment. He just might need to sound off/share with you down the road; and having established yourself as a parent who understands the fragility of humanity rather than a self righteous "I've-got-all-the-answers" authority figure will encourage his openness.

Good luck with parenting. It's not for cissies. And don't forget to laugh - at life, at yourself, and your son's hair when he first gets up in the morning. That's the stuff of wonderful memories.

Vera-b

[j-vo]

For the Children

Vera,
Thank you for your words. Very wise words. As you know, our children mean everything to us. More than life itself. And I've been laughing more frequently these past several months. Wow. What a difference that can make in one's life. I have to wake him up at 6:15 to take him to the sitters every morning (he goes there before school, sleeps on her sofa for a little while) and I just love kissing his little cheeks before fully waking him, staring at him. What little blessings, I mean huge blessings our children are. Thanks Vera-b.