Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

[periwinkle]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Hi Mod Squad,

Wow, long time huh?

Well, a lot has been going on! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I have been staying to my mod plans so no worries there.

After our daughter and her 2 college friends left from their visit things really got rough for me. My workload has about tripled! I am not exagerating. Plus we had some crazy hurricane strength winds here and my internet connection has been intermitent since, so work must come first. As if that all isn't enough I have been really sick with walking pneumonia.

I've thought about all of you often and keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I will eventually get caught up with work, life and the mod squad.

I only have a few minutes today but had to drop by not only to say "hello" but to pass on some news. I heard from a high school classmate yesterday that one of our classmates had just passed away. We all just attended our 30th reunion this past August so a lot of us have reconnected recently. Officially they are saying it was heart related, but this friend told me that he had been drinking heavily since his recent divorce and the real reason for his death was probably AL related. In other words, it sounds like he went home from work and drank himself to death. It's not that I was ever close to him perosnally... it's just that I was perhaps closer to his situation at times than I would like to believe. I read his obituary today and it just kind of hit home. So, thank you MWO and thank you all my friends I have met here. Life is fragile.

I will catch up later. I am starting to feel better the past couple days so maybe this weekend will be better for me. If I don't take care of my health, no one will.

Love you all,
periwinkle :h

[Kid Shelleen]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Here's to the Mod life!

Welcome back Peri,
Long time, indeed! Your friends wonder about you periodically but if you are in touch with any one through PMs, they are not updating us. I'm glad you are well and that the obit was not you. It does feel good to be on a safer track, healthwise, doesn't it? (Of course, if it's your time to go; it's time to go.)

It probably IS a sick thing to do, and I always wondered why some people start doing it, but I read the obits every day. It's uncanny to me how many people or their relatives I have come across.(Cigarettes,obesity,alcohol get you early)
Here's to the Mod life, for as long as we live!
~Kid~

[Sunbeam]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Hi Everybody,
Peri! So nice to hear from you. We are all so glad you are doing well, just too busy to post. Busy is a good thing.

I am Friday night tired after wooking all week plus evening meetings. I just had some green tea, which will enable me to stay awake until my minimum bedtime of 8:00. The book is good, the fireplace is warm, and it is CCCOOOOLLLDDD OUTSIDE.

Deebs, I am thinking that the first six months at least after gaining control over alcohol (or going AF) includes many rediscoveries, about outselves, including the basis for friendship. I hope your friend understood that early on, we feel fragile regarding whether our control will last. We gain emotional strength each month that passes.

Take care, all

[Sarasmiles]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Peri, I'm so glad to see you, too. I'm sorry about your classmate. Life is so fragile, and so precious! Drinking heavily really requires us to be in denial about that.

Lenaleed, congratulations. It sounds like you've really cut back, and that is wonderful. Damage control is a good place to start!

Good to hear from everyone Beautiful new name, "Delta Moon".

I want to share a weird dream I had last night. I dreamt that I got incredibly drunk, and emotional. I was sobbing and staggering and felt hopeless. I called my mom. In the morning (in the dream) I woke up and she was there. She had come in the night, to be with me. But I could just barely remember calling her. I threw my arms around her and thanked her for being there...At which point she said, "you do not have a single comfortable bed in this house. I spent the whole night going from room to room, trying to find a place to sleep. Every bed was terrible, and every room was a mess!" Weird, huh? The dream was packed full of my fears and anxieties... Drinking in an out of control way, getting overwhelmed with pain, reaching out for help to someone who couldn't give it unconditionally, forgetting what I'd done when I was drunk, and then, being criticized about my home, which is so much the heart of who I am.

I shared this with my sister, who thought it was "hysterical". Sad, she said, but hysterical. I guess it is. But I find it more sad than funny. Does anyone else have nightmares about getting drunk?

[zed]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Sara,

I had a very, very vivid and strange dream last night. I dreamt that I took my partner who is madly in love with me, and worships me, to meet my friends and family and everyone I know at a public setting where everyone was gathered. I told her to wait while I collected another friend (who happened to be this woman I met in Goa, in India, at new years, who I am NOT in love with whatsoever, in any way shape or form), who was arriving, and I guess that other friend was also in love with me, and me with her for some strange reason, and I had to make a decision. She the friend walks in and introduces herself as my partner, to everyone, who are happy to see her, IN FRONT OF MY PARTNER, who is just standing there, waiting to be introduced to everyone I know... and basically she, my real partner, who has been devoted to me and loving me beautifully since I met her and we decided to love each other, is just left standing there, to realize that I have been a two-faced bastard and actually had another partner.

Holy crap. It went on and on, and I can't really remember the rest. But I do remember the deep sadness of hurting her, and her look, of completely destroying her heart.

You know, I have never two-timed anyone I have ever been with... so this is kind of a strange dream with no parallel from my own life-actions... but thinking of it this afternoon as I write this, I realize that I was two-timed in the last relationship I was in. Very badly. The parallels are astonishing. So basically what I am realizing is that I AM my partner in my dream, and that I (in my dream) am my ex, and that my partner is her ex... FAAACK.

Sorry for the language. Couldn't think of anything else to say that would express my thoughts.

Anyway, the look and the feeling that my partner had, when she realized I had been two-timing her, in real-time, in front of everyone, was the look and feeling I had when it happened to me. That look on her face, I understood it so well and it was really the crux of the dream, and now I know why I understood it so well. Because I have felt that myself. That wasn't her, that was me.

It was the most shocking, devastation feeling I have ever felt. I literally, in that moment (It's still so fresh sometimes) felt my heart disintegrate and crumble into a million pieces. I FELT that happen... there was a 20 minute period there, as it happened, as I realized... where I FELT my heart actually break.

That's an awful feeling folks.

Anyway, so much for my dream last night. I had a long sleep, it's lunchtime, I am going to get ready, to go out and buy my shampoo, toothpaste tubes, and a few other odds and ends. Bachelor shopping.

Cheers.

PERI - SOO happy to hear from you. Needless to say I missed you. Take your time, and see you here when you are feeling well again, and ready to spend a little time here with us. Until then just take care of yourself... breathe deeply dear.

DEEBs - aahahhh Deebs.

Ok guys, I am off.

Z

[zed]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Ahh... also I just remembered that the evening on which I learned what I learned... THAT MOMENT... was on the 21st of January... so maybe it's been on my mind a bit, the anniversary of that awful moment, that completely changed my life, and me, coming up in a few days.

Oh brother.

[Delta Moon]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Good morning squad!

St. John is now Delta Moon- and I didn't need to undergo an operation or anything!:H When I came to MWO I chose the name of my patron saint to help and guide me on this journey. Of course I soon realized that most people thought I was a man and treated me as such. So I have decided to just be me-guitar and all!

Well I made it thru the night at the blues club AF and completed my 14 day commitment! The longest I have been sans alcohol outside of lengthy stints during lent and baby carrying. I feel great and now taking a look to see what my next goal will be. A very liberating feeling- a joyful feeling to move ahead in recovery.

Blessings to all!

[Sarasmiles]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Greetings, Squad
Zed, what an intensely moving dream, and experience. It took me back to the one time my heart was truly broken (not just bruised). It was a long time ago, but I can still evoke the feeling just by remembering. Isn't it a wonderful feeling though when you realize in the morning, "oh, it was just a dream. Thank God!" And you have not broken the heart of your beloved.

Delta Moon, well done! 14 days! You rock. By the way, any observations on what it was like to be "treated like a man"? Could make for an interesting study, huh? The anonymity of the internet could be fertile ground for a sociological study, come to think of it...One could pose as anyone, of any race, creed, religion, sexual orientation, what have you...And see what the responses were like. Not that your experience should be viewed academically...It must have been a bit disturbing not to be correctly identified as female in a setting in which you are sharing who you are in so many trusting ways.

Anyway, off to the grocery store for healthy foods for my little family. Then work. See you all later...I hope it's a great day, or that you sleep well, wherever you all may be. Sara

[Sunbeam]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

G'morning all,
Delta Moon! You sound great! I always thought you lived on the island of St. John, though there is also a St John's river in Florida that has been mentioned by WIP. So I thought your name was geographic. Never for a moment did I think you were a guy. The guitar is great to reflect your love of music. I am glad to know and that I participated in your two weeks AF. I wasn't sure where you stood with AF time.
It seems to be a strong tradition here at MWO that one should put in an initial 30 days AF. There are many who also seem to believe you can only drink moderately after putting in lots of AF time. I know I did not learn to drink moderately by putting in AF time. I had to put alcohol back in the picture, and find my personal balance for frequency. The amounts took care of themselves once I found my frequency. I just hated that having to force myself to stop after one or two. It took the pleasure out of drinking for me. But by keeping my frequency down, I really don't want more than one or two.

Zed, what a dream. My dreams are always a mix-up of people and places, real and imagined. I can rarely make sense of them. Last night I just slept soundly, no dreams that I can remember.

Forward, to enjoy the day!

[Kid Shelleen]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

I agree...

Sunbeam,
I agree. I do weekly AF time, to cut down on frequency but don't get the 60 day thing, unless it's just to break the chains or prove that you are no longer a slave to alcohol.
K

Sunbeam;522420 wrote: G'morning all,
Delta Moon! You sound great! I always thought you lived on the island of St. John, though there is also a St John's river in Florida that has been mentioned by WIP. So I thought your name was geographic. Never for a moment did I think you were a guy. The guitar is great to reflect your love of music. I am glad to know and that I participated in your two weeks AF. I wasn't sure where you stood with AF time.
It seems to be a strong tradition here at MWO that one should put in an initial 30 days AF. There are many who also seem to believe you can only drink moderately after putting in lots of AF time. I know I did not learn to drink moderately by putting in AF time. I had to put alcohol back in the picture, and find my personal balance for frequency. The amounts took care of themselves once I found my frequency. I just hated that having to force myself to stop after one or two. It took the pleasure out of drinking for me. But by keeping my frequency down, I really don't want more than one or two.

Zed, what a dream. My dreams are always a mix-up of people and places, real and imagined. I can rarely make sense of them. Last night I just slept soundly, no dreams that I can remember.

Forward, to enjoy the day!

[Delta Moon]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Hmmm... 2 interesting schools of thought on this one. Continue AF to complete 30 days as MWO suggests or trial and error moderation to find a balance in the drinking cycle. How can we learn to effectively moderate if we take AL out of the equation? The thought of the day.......................

[lenaleed]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Just back from morning coffee (tea for me) w/ friends, which used to be a Sat. ritual but I haven't shown up in quite a while. Sara, your dream is a hoot. I friend of mine who was at coffee this a.m. is married to a verbally abusive man. She had to undergo (successful) treatment for cancer a year ago. The day before surgery, her mother was going to stay overnite at their home to be with their teenage daughter. The daughter sweetly decided to stay with her mom at the hospital overnight. My friend's mom got herself in a snit. "Doy KNOW how long it's been since I've had the chance to spend much time with this girl?" Years ago, when I first brought my ex to meet the family at Christmas, one gift from my mother was a white ski turtleneck. "That's to replace the dingy one you wore here," she pronounced. When I was in college, I was in the hospital with an eye injury. Mom sent me a beautiful card, with a letter enclosed. The nurse had to read me the letter. It was a stern lecture on not having health insurance. The nurse, recognizing Everymom, started laughing and so did I and we couldn't stop. I have tried, I believe with success ,to break the Everymom cycle of the withholding, conditionally-loving, judgmental, envious(?) way too many moms have with daughters. But I have to be vigilant.

Lila, when I was in the early throes of separation, I had a recurring dream in which some faceless people restrained my husband while I screamed at him until hoarse and exhausted. Somehow very healing.

Zed, I hope your dream helped heal your wound as well. Maybe your dream was a sign of unfinished business. How hard will it be to trust again?

Take care all -- Lena

[Eve11]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

( Per Kid: What's with the deleted posts?)

The deleted posts are due to a picture I was trying to post in response to a phrase St J
posted but I couldn't iron the computer kinks out! I struggle with Shutterfly too. Keep welcoming me to the 21st century~~
Hugs
Eve11

[Sarasmiles]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Lena, thanks for sharing the mom stories!

[Eve11]

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Warning modders and lurkers.
Sometimes when I'm catching up on the posts the first one catches my eye and I respond to it. Then when I read all of the others I feel foolish for having ignored you all! Pls never take it personal - just understand that that's how I read all of these posts sometimes.
So...to address many of you!
Delta Moon (formerly St. John). Love the new name.
Peri: I can totally relate to the tragic story of the classmate. Very sad. There's a saying that crosses my mind when I hear stories like this..."But for the grace of God there go I!". My first husband actually died of alcohol poisening (after we were divorced). Scary to think of what my drinking life would have been like should we have remained together. We were toxic.
DeeBee-Always good to hear from you.
Zed- I LOVE karaoke - have fun.
Lenaleed - what is sinclair? Another help group for addiction? Share a little info when you have time time.
Don't have time to address everyone but you're ALL in my thoughts.
Have a great day and a careful and thought out night!
Eve11