Is it delusional to mod?

[Adam_Cartwright]

Is it delusional to mod?

Well...IS it??

Going back and reading old stuff..
Just churning it to the surface.
~Adam~

[Eve11]

Is it delusional to mod?

Thanks Adam for bringing this old post to the surface again!
Like your name and avatar btw. I loved the Cartwrights although I have to admit my crush was on Little Joe.

Interesting that you found this old post. One thing we never seem to do is date our stuff. I think the orig. post was Sept or Oct of 08 - so, yes, I've been moderating a long time.

I liked what WIP wrote and I copied and pasted part of how she responded to this post of mine:

For me, drinking a moderate amount of alcohol typically (but unpredictably) sets up two things: an insatiable desire for more and more alcohol, plus a loss of my capacity to control or stop further consumption. That is, in essence, the definition of "addiction." So it's one of those "best laid plans" things... once a person has reached a state or condition of serious addiction, like I have, the likelihood of being able to drink "normally" (i.e., always able to control consumption) gets pretty remote.

I've been trying to moderate since Sept. 08 and I think I do have to agree with Sunbeam's analogy. I think for people with drinking problems - it is extremely difficult to moderate and to stop after 1 or 2 or control the amount everytime because we have an addiction problem that non-drinkers don't have. As some folks have put it "my shut off valve is faulty".

So, those of us who try and attempt to mod usually find that we have disappointments at some point because our shut off valve is defective and it just doesn't work properly everytime we decide to drink/mod.

What I have found is I am more aware of how I behave and more guarded to not put myself in situations where I would get embarrassed with my drinking in front of others. So, I am able to attend parties and functions and not make a fool of myself but I have still had big slips when drinking home alone and have had more than 1 episode in the last 2 years of 1 glass of wine turning into a whole bottle and having the headache, horrible night's sleep and consequences like that to pay.

Because we keep re-introducing alcohol back into our systems and our lives, it's harder to get over the craving for it and probably much easier to just abstain and go AF - thus the saying ... which I've shared many times here... "If I don't have the first one...I won't want the last one."

I do admit I panic whenever an AFer thinks the "mod life" looks appealing and decides to try to drink and moderate after they've chosen the AF life. This modding one isn't an easy one and I think to a degree some of us modders may be delusional. But, that's only my humble opinion and there seem to be some who fare better with it than me.

Welcome aboard Adam. Some of us long timers have gotten lax in posting much but we do lurk here and there and it's always interesting to share thoughts, especially with newer members.

Take care.
Eve11

[Charlieboy]

Is it delusional to mod?

That old chestnut of a question....mods or not....they're both so damn hard

I sit here once again on a Monday a broken man. Two weeks of normal drinking, excited and happy that i may 'have cracked it' and then a binge so large that i have not been able to sleep for days. I am in agony. I am 32 and a destroyed man. Again. Back to hell for the 1,000th time. Why? Why me? Why can't I just be f*ckin normal like all my friends. Yep, the same old sh*t running around my head, consuming my life, ruining my life.

The therapist I have been seeing has replied to my text saying she 'has given up on me'. She was very leftfield but I was willing to try anything. We have been trying all sorts of things...even 'spirit release' which she was so excited about. 'Thats the answer to your problems, you have bad spirits attached to you' she said....dead ex addicts who are too scared to pass into the next world for fear of damnation so attach themselves to living sensitive souls and use them as a portal to binge whenever they feel like it. Hence that feeling as if you are possessed, have no control, 'can't believe i did that', the 'beer monster' etc etc etc.

She 'exorcised' these demons. You know what, I actually really felt this may be the answer to the whole bloody thing. I sucked it right in. Still a bit scared at the back of my mind but probably the happiest ten days of my life, I felt free, problem over, went out drinking a few no times with no real problems at all. My friends commented, 'wow Charlie, you are different'. I was so excited.

How naive can I be. The bender that then occured was horrendous. The therapist has now dumped me, despite encouraging me all along to drink....'if you can control it sometimes she said, you can control it all the time'. I could have died under her watch. Oh man, there is so much opposing views all over the internet, I just don't know what to do anymore.

And well....there;s that big question again. I cannot tell you how many times I have tried, how many methods, how desperate I have been to have a 'normal' drinking life like the majority of my friends seem to have. Certain situations fine, certain nights fine and then....booom. And it really affects me bad. Missed appointments, so unwell physically, letting people down. All the usual. Not to mention the chronic depression and frustration that it has happened again. But then it all kicks back in.....'next time i need to do this or that....thats why i messed up'. I mean, HOW FUCKED up is this fucking disease. Sorry, I am just really really angry and upset today. Please forgive me.

And why don't I just bloody stop drinking you may ask? Well, because I am as shit scared when I am AF as when I moderate. The binge is still there waiting. It's as if it just happens....bang.

The main problem is that the fear of not drinking is pretty much worse than the fear of drinking. I tried AA for a while. I was sober for 6 months of my own back once. Miserable. Felt alienated, socially inept, ashamed. Friends would want to meet for a 'coffee' or a game of golf. I felt like they treated me differently. 'The fuck up'. Of course, they were not all like that at all but thats how I felt.There was no more fun anymore. and i missed that fun so much, even though 95% of it was in fact utter misery. Amazing how the mind can be so selective.

amyway, I know I am going on here. I guess I am still debating mods/abstinence. You probably think I am mad. Why risk the binge? The problem is, the binge is just as likely if I go AF as i go mod. Sometimes I think I am the worst alcy out there. I really am not sure sometimes if I can do this, if I have the strength. I look for easy fixes everywhere i go, my biggest weakness and not well suited to this disease.

I guess this is where real strength of character comes in. I am a nice man, a caring man, a loving man. But I guess I am also very sick and I just don't know why. I can't explain it, therapists can't explain it. That F Scott Fitzgerakld quote is so true.

I wanna go get drunk and have fun, I feel it releases me(even if I am not drinking, just the fact that I 'could') and makes me feel alive, normal, happy.....this is where I need to change. Big Time. But this thing has really got me and I am scared, so scared. It makes life unbearable.

I will keep trekking on. I am not sure yet what I am going to do next. Sorry for this highly depressing post. I have the CD's and stuff, the bloody therapist and even my homeopath said I was fine...'oh, its great youre drinking again' keep it moderate! Yeah, well if only they knew what us lot actually have to deal with.....

God Bless
X

[DeeBee]

Is it delusional to mod?

(((Charlieboy)))
That was a real heart-felt post -- thanks for sharing.
Personally I think your "therapist" is an ass for "giving up on you" and good riddance!!
I don't have any magic answers for you -- just know that you've come to the right place for support and a shoulder to lean on.
I suggest you read the book MWO and see if there are elements there that you can incorporate into your plan and keep posting:-)

[Cinders]

Is it delusional to mod?

And why don't I just bloody stop drinking you may ask? Well, because I am as shit scared when I am AF as when I moderate. The binge is still there waiting. It's as if it just happens....bang.

CharlieBoy,

I think almost all of us have that fear sitting on our shoulders. It is so freaking daunting to have a lifetime commitment to moderating or staying AF. It whirls around in my head sometimes to the point where I want to just give up.

However, I refuse to give up.

Moderating is not an option for me. Family, friends, my own past actions. Nope.

But being AF is just as scary. I know.

The great news is, I have spent so much more time sober this year than any other.

The really bad news is, when I blow it, I blow it big time. Ending up in hospitals, being rescued by husband, etc. The shame and guilt are enormous.

I don't have an answer but I did want to let you know I understand exactly what you are afraid of. When we get past that fear, I think we can both move on.

At least I do get some great relief with Baclofen but it has not been my silver bullet, just a great help.

Hang in there.
Cindi

[Charlieboy]

Is it delusional to mod?

Thanks

Its great to get some replies, thankyou, it really does help. I read about Baclofen today...maybe i should try it. Who knows anymore. I would cut off my arms if I had to I have been redirected to a new therapist who sounds cool. I had a good chat with him today on the phone and will start seeing him regularly. It can only help I'm sure.

I will keep percevering. Keep trying to understand this horror of a disease. Right now I just desperately need to sleep but my head is going crazy, I close my eyes and just see terror and regret and shame. Negative thoughts abound. Four days ago, I couldn't have been more opposite. It's a rollercoaster ride thats for damn sure. And yes, sometimes I do just wanna go down with it.....must keep strong.

And I know what you mean about family...it makes me feel sick what I put them through and how disconnected i can be. Oh how I wish I could start again! Anyway, I guess I can start again now. Uphill yes, but we can do it. We can do it.

All the best
X

[Eve11]

Is it delusional to mod?

Hang in there Charlieboy. I welcomed you and shared feelings on one of the other posts here. Click on my name and it will show you my most recent posts.

Once again, welcome and keep hanging here.
:l
Eve11