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    #1

    Terrified to Moderate

    I'm 78 days al free, so maybe I was a problem drinker
    and not a full blown addict. Today I am afraid to just have a beer
    with dinner, or a glass of wine on the boat........as my old ways
    were sneaking lots of vodka cocktails behind everyone's back.
    Today I will not drink.
    I was terrified to quit, terrified of withdrawal,
    somehow with MYO community support, a little AA(though less and less),
    I got these days under my belt. Best to all to have a few days too.
    I remember them so well, and do not want to forget them either.
    I feel free of a lot these days, though life still presents itself with lots of crap.
    Tags: None
    #2
    Terrified to Moderate

    The questions is; why? Why not just build a new AF life?

    You are never going to be 25 again. You won't go to school again. You won't raise kids again (if you had kids). Those were all great things, but they are past now. They made your life richer, but that doesn't mean you want or need to repeat them.

    Why not just find new habits and activities that fit the new you?

    Comment

      #3
      Terrified to Moderate

      MooFarmer,
      We all continue to welcome your posts here in the mods section. It kind of feels like you are looking for encouragement to try drinking again, but your posts say that you are "terrified" about the possible consequences. That doesn't sound like a good place for starting to drink again. Whatever your decision, people will be here to support you. I don't drink too often, usually not more than once a week. One reason I choose to keep alcohol in the picture is that I don't want to be afraid of alcohol. I don't think that drinking is all that great, it is just a pleasant option that's out there. I can definitely imagine that my life without alcohol would be the same as it is with alcohol occasionally in the picture. I think you mentioned in a previous post that since you have all these AF days under your belt, you should now be able to drink again, reasonably. But I don't believe it usually works out that way. Once you have been a problem drinker, you have to learn to establish new habits in your relationship to alcohol. Moderate drinking is learned over time, with some experimentation, some failures from which we learn to do better. And many here have posted their experience that they quickly fall back into their old habits, so life is just as bad as it was before. I understand why you are terrified, and also understand why you want to try having a drink, to see if you can have that relaxing experience again. It would be safer if you first learned some relaxation strategies, and strategies to help you deal with the crap. After you have done that, and after you have practiced them so they become new habits to replace the old (drinking) habits, you might be ready to try having a drink on a specific and limited occasion. Have you tried the meditation CD's available through this web site? Yoga, Mindful Meditation are additional resources to explore. I NEVER will have a drink again without my husband knowing about it. That was such a dark place for me in my life.
      My life is better without alcohol, since 9/1/12. My sobriety tool is the list at permalink 236 on the toolbox thread under monthly abstinance.

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        #4
        Terrified to Moderate

        If i was able (or will be able) to maintain 78 days AF and felt terrified to start again -- I wouldn't! What would be the point of terrifying yourself! I give you many KUDOS for maintaining 78 days AF and say here's to the next 78!!! Congratulations!
        Have a great day! :l

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          #5
          Terrified to Moderate

          Moof,

          Glad to *see* you here.

          As a moderator I chose to have a nice glass of wine with dinner. Enjoyed it and didn't have an intense craving for another. Hubby mentioned having a nightcap so we decided to have one more glass at
          home. This glass was a favorite and when I finished it I REALLY wanted another. So, I had the internal struggle going on - should I? ~ I'll have to post 3 on the drinktracker...don't want to do that.
          Should I? ~ I'll have trouble getting up in the morning if I've had 3. I allowed the debate to go on in my head until hubby said "Let's go to bed" so that's what I did. No third glass - I went to bed.

          My point in sharing this is with moderating one never really knows whether they can stop at their limit they've set for themselves or not because for many it's easy to stop at the one or two as they desire but there are other circumstances that can happen that make it difficult to stop once you've started and then you're right back where you didn't want to be.

          For those who choose the AF life - the mind games as I've described above just aren't worth it to them.
          The AF life can be a great life as well although moderating may look appealing. Keep reading and sharing.

          Remember one of my favorite quotes I found here: "If I don't have the first one I won't want the last one."
          Hugs,
          Eve11
          Addendum: Just wanted to add that what Boss.man said was fantastic:
          You are never going to be 25 again. You won't go to school again. You won't raise kids again (if you had kids). Those were all great things, but they are past now. They made your life richer, but that doesn't mean you want or need to repeat them.

          Why not just find new habits and activities that fit the new you?
          ~~
          Really great words of wisdom Boss.man!!
          "Control your destiny or somebody else will"

          ~Jack Welsh~:h

          God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author unknown, :thumbs:

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            #6
            Terrified to Moderate

            Seems like you have received some great advice here. I would only add that it sounds like alcohol is so wrapped up in your identity still. Maybe do more AF time but stop counting every single day? I think days counting can be counter-productive. Aren't you about more than booze and AF time? No wonder you are afraid, it's because you are still obsessed with it. Sunbeam offers some good advice in learning relaxation strategies, granted it's easier said than done but she's done it. You are much more than some booze-free day count. You have proven you can live without alcohol.

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              #7
              Terrified to Moderate

              Hi Moo, many congrats on 78 days af, that is awesome! Although I haven't been af for as long as you, I have found that staying sober is alot easier than getting sober. I wish you well whatever you decide to do, this is a great site, with wonderful people who will give you good advice.Good luck, Joesgal

              Comment

                #8
                Terrified to Moderate

                :goodjob: moo on staying 78 days alcohol free,you have already got good advice so for what its worth,Why would you want to go back to drinking,where does the moderation stop,personally i think if you went back to controlling your drinking you will fail.this disease we have is very strong and very smart and forever lurking in the background,as for AA start going back a little more,its good to get reminders from real people about what drinking does to you.We should never forget why we are really here


                :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

                Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
                I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

                This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

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