My Moderate Meanderings!

[Sunbeam]

My Moderate Meanderings!

Our dear chicken friend,
For me, it has taken a long time to learn to drink at my personal comfort level. I slightly go over whatever limits I set, then set my limits lower. Some tire of all this, and of thinking about drinking so much, so they just go AF. You will also have a learning curve, with hard work and soul-searching along the way. The MWO book makes it sound like moderate drinking happens magically, but I haven't met anyone for whom it actually works that way.

[ChickenNumber3]

My Moderate Meanderings!

Hi and thanks Sunbeam!

I'm okay,but need to take stock again and have some continual AF time under the belt! I don't feel like I've lost all control though!

Did the right thing last night, put the drink away when I was going to go looking for more, had a shower and lots of water to drink and hit the sack.Am feeling okay this morning for that reason alone...cause I did not want the awful hangover/recovery period.So that is a lesson learnt already..looking for the positive!

Don't feel helpless anymore when it happens! Feel like I have a say in what is going on and can fight the good fight,even if I loose the occasional battle, I haven't lost the War! Mainly thanks to all here...my friends and companions in the war against AL. Don't know what I would do without you.......well, yes I do, and it aint pretty!

Dusting myself off,the fall wasn't too hard this time, but as you say, another curve in the learning process, another blip on the radar,but still moving forward!

Chicken * sorting herself out*

[ChickenNumber3]

My Moderate Meanderings!

Brutal Honesty here!

Okay then,
Being honest right now........

Let's go hard,right now-

Am feeling angry and sad and just....angsty!
Thoughts of Dad, dead now 5 years, should have known better! I should have known!
I knew, I did know, can see it in others, so why not him? What in frug was I thinking? No excuse now, was too busy with baby to see it. Too busy to notice my own Dad was dying!

Now Mum is alone, is starting to have health problems. Is alone in that big house by herself and I am..so frigging busy with stuff and I just wish that I knew that she wasn't going to go either, cause that is gonna kill me. Yep that one will be one blow too many and, when I say kill me, I mean, i will go on for my babies ad I will be as good a Mum as I can be,. but sh%$#%! when she goes, that is my life-line! My dear Mum is my sanity and my best friend!

But in saying that, she doesn't know that i drink. She suspects, but she doesn't know for sure!
What in hell am I doing to my baby girls? What message am I sending? What frigging self-esteem am I presenting here when I need a glass of poison to see me through?

Time to write some poetry twould seem, cause I am so.....ANGRY right now!

(p.s know one needs to respond to this..this is me just imploding safley okay! all is good!

[ChickenNumber3]

My Moderate Meanderings!

ODE-at!

ODE TO ME!

Number Three is me...
the last one, the one of three;
that comes to finish
the final trilogy!

She arrives all pure...
halo atop, a demon lure,
that calls to Hades
the last euology!

The demon brew...
is a fierce,damp hue
of all that is hate
and my last... aduie'!

She stops to rue...
the years all gone,but few
left ahead to heed
the lessons true!

Adieu!

And You?

[ChickenNumber3]

My Moderate Meanderings!

There is a pitiful time of ..saying 'when!'
Enough, 'nuff said', a state of zen.

Yet I've not found it, search as I do..
a place of respite,for but a few!

My mind twirls,paroxisms of hope
fueled by this infernal dope...

another type of drug that churns
my soul into a pit that yearns...

for something...unknown,unnamed
that pulls,twists and in the end i shamed.

'Cause I am the last word,
the thing unsaid, the soul uheard!

[ChickenNumber3]

My Moderate Meanderings!

Self Implode Once More-No Response Needed!all good!

Again I release the demons here:

I simmer..a negative brew of pent up energy..
a font of volcanic energy ready to spew
all your angst right back at you!

You think you are the only one who feels..
this need to release the toxic fumes
that build inside the inner rooms..

of your hidden soul,your own true heart..
the place that you hold so dear,so near
the lonely you that you hold SO dear!

But, your noble soul doesn't see this..
how your nature rules the wildchild here
reducing her to....a living fear!

She fights the harness, the vital grip
upon her wilful ardent charge..and yet,
in truth, she ought but frets!

[hdb]

My Moderate Meanderings!

Chickennumber3, sending you a hug and buckets of strength x

[ChickenNumber3]

My Moderate Meanderings!

Thanks hdb..this is how I get things off my chest.. I call it therapeutic poetry...or Bull#$%! (whatever works?)
Chook

[ChickenNumber3]

My Moderate Meanderings!

More Chicken#@$!

Righto, here goes yet again this is a self journal and no comments required unless you feel inclined!-just a ramble!)

Dear Self!

What can I say? Not alot right now! Nothing to be proud of or aspire to!
A lost soul in some ways! Yet, happy in so many others..so what is the issue!!

Aren't alcoholics supposed to be wounded people? Ones who suffer some great wrong or deserve their trial from their past lives?

What gives? How does it work? Why me?

Haven't I been an upright citizen, a good person and......just your average Joe?

Why do I succumb to this stupid thing...an addiction? It really annoys me (would swear here) cause I hate the sense that I am not in control!!! Why do I let something SO stupid and Evil rule me? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY????????????????????????????? ????

I HATE IT WITH A PASSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!
Chook

[mebill]

My Moderate Meanderings!

Hi there Chicken,

It's been a long time since I have checked in here. I'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now, but very glad to see you are coming to the forums here and seeking ways to figure things out. For me, I had to "loose the booze". I'm an alcoholic, plain and simple. Taking away the alcohol does not "fix" me, but it was the first step in repair for me. I am a little over 60 days sober. I attend AA meetings and am working through all that crap that that I kept buried during my drinking and drugging days. For me, that is my way out. I hope you find piece of mind and a way out from under alcohol too. For me, my life is better sober. Hang in there, and keep on seeking the answers.

Bill

[ChickenNumber3]

My Moderate Meanderings!

HI and Thanks Bill!

I am here on and off now! Actually I come here when I am feeling the worst,so I can vent! I know this is not supportive to others, but right now I am in a truelly 'selfish mode'. I think I need it to figure it all out!
When I am feeling good I stay away, but then I always return caus it is a safe place to rest my weary head!
I am not AF. Not sure what road I am travelling right now infact. But I know I am okay, because at the very least, I am 'aware' that I have a problem and achknowledge it for what it is!!!
Admitting it is a good thing methinks!
Thanks for your input and support!
Chook

[mebill]

My Moderate Meanderings!

Hang in there Chook Take good care.

Bill