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**j-vo** · August 29, 2009, 10:35 AM

I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

Hi Sara,
I think it's worth the effort to keep trying if that's what you want to do. If you can, though it can be lots of work, and you want to, then keep trying. You need to do this for your health also. We all know what can happen if we take in too much al and how it can damage our systems.

I think Sunbeam has a great plan. She's an occasional drinker and believes that moderating with a few glasses daily or several times a week can take you back down that slippery slope and lead to loss of control. So if you enjoy a few glasses of wine when you go out to a special dinner, or are with friends, then you'd not be doing that all the time, just occasionally.

Good luck, and come back to the mod squad!

**JackieClaire** · August 29, 2009, 12:31 PM

I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

Hi Sara,
I for one have tried moderating, but from 1 or 2 glasses it suddenly escalated into 1 or 2 bottles. I now know it's just not for me.

I'm now much happier in my own skin being totally AF. The cloud has now lifted.

Best of luck in whichever path you choose.

Love Jackie xxx

AF since 7/7/2009

**startingover** · August 29, 2009, 12:42 PM

I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

Hi Sara,
Its good to see you again.
I too tried moderating for many years and failing after relativiely short periods. Whenever I was moderating, thoughts of alcohol consumed me more than normal.
I am much happier AF too, the pressure is off and there is no more debate.
Good luck and best wishes in whatever you decide Sara.

**Wally22** · August 29, 2009, 12:55 PM

I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

Hi Sara, this isn;t the feedback you were looking for, but I finally decided it's just not worth the effort. I'm going AF.

**Jandal** · August 29, 2009, 03:47 PM

I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

Hi Sara
I know exactly what you're saying and I'm struggling with the same thing myself. I don't know why but I haven't committed to going AF but I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say I will when I know right now I'm not ready to do that. Instead of working on willing myself not to drink, I'm working on my overall self control. Just to know that I can walk past the booze at the supermarket and NOT pick up a bottle of wine - I haven't done it for 10 days now which i think is pretty good when I was buying a bottle a day. I have a LOT of work to do in social situations - i fell off the wagon badly this week and had a few regrets but I acknowledge this and am working on the things that I did wrong there. But I am also trying to keep perspective and realise that I am not doing too badly in the other areas. I think if I gave up on the perspective side of things and let that one stupid night get to me, I will ruin all of the work I have done till now. I'm working on getting the foundations strong so that if I do something to undermine part of it the entire thing won't collapse as a result - i.e. I won't run out and drown my sorrows.

I like the feeling of not waking up and reeking of booze, and I like having the extra money in my pocket, and I like not hating myself for pouring that unnecessary glass of wine. I also like it that there are wrinkles and lines that have gone from my face and that the puffy dark circled eyes aren't there anymore either. I think my liver might like me too now. And, most importantly, I want my kids to respect me and not think of me as a booze hag.

**Muddle** · August 29, 2009, 04:11 PM

I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

Your posts always remind me of myself, Jandal. And Sara, I total understand your comments about wondering of moderation is worth the effort.

You'd think I'd be ready to say that AF forever is the way to go. After all, how many times over the last 25 years have I been determined to moderate? It works for a while, but eventually I fail. I guess some of us are slow learners. But, it does feel good not to need to go to the wine aisle EVERY time I go to the store. And not to have to head for the pantry for the wine bottle the moment I walk into the door at night after work.

I'm thinking of trying a test next Friday (I'll have over 14 days AF). There is usually a wine tasting at the local market on Friday nights. They do small pours and the total tasting is probably equivalent to one glass of wine. Can I go enjoy the wine tasting, mingle a little with people, and go home and not open a bottle? Am I stupid to even consider trying? That could be my guidepost as to whether I have the ability to moderate. And if I decide to moderate in the future, I need to realize that I need the support here. For me, it will never just be a natural thing.

So I guess it all goes back to your question, Sara, is alcohol worth that much energy? I'm going to have to mull over the question, "What makes it feel like it's worth it to you?" It's a good question, and I don't know the answer for me right now, but would appreciate successful moderators thoughts.

**Sarasmiles** · August 29, 2009, 06:39 PM

I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

Thanks so much for the thoughtful responses. I too find that alcohol occupies my thoughts more when I am trying to moderate than when I'm doing an AF stretch.

I often tell myself "you're not that bad" and, I guess, I minimize the problem. Last night over dinner I told my kids and husband what I thought was a funny little anecdote about buying sunglasses recently. I was so disturbed when my 10 year old said, "yeah, mom, you told us that story. Twice. Once in the restaurant the other night, and once in the car". The day he was referring to was a day when I'd had four big glasses of wine, one right after the other. I had no memory of telling the story. I feel sick when I think of it. So my "not that bad...It's not like I drank a bottle of vodka..." just doesn't really cut it. Memory loss is bad. Confusing (and annoying) my son is bad. Shame feels bad.

I really, really, really, never want this to happen again. But how many times can I say that and still look at myself in the mirror?

I was AF today, after hearing that tale last night. I need to think, and I need a stretch without wine to do it. I'm going to pour out the remains of a bottle I have in the fridge, and give myself a week to be AF and think this all through...AGAIN. :thanks: Sara

**Muddle** · August 29, 2009, 08:49 PM

I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

What a wonderful reality check from your 10-year old! Thanks for your post. Goodness, if we only knew how we really acted when we think we are just fine.

**gyco** · August 30, 2009, 05:58 AM

I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

hi sara with a smile i hope,just happen to see your thread quite interesting,ive been drinking for 40 years,off and on,dont have a problem stopping,but like you its staying stopped and wanting to,i 1st realised i had a problem in the early 80s,so i stopped for 2 years,on my own,over the years the same ,but not as long as 2years,months , weeks,until 1999,then my body or should i say my brain ? started to reject Al,i started to have Panic attacks,thot i was going nuts,literally i was,i beleive its early stages of wet brain,dementia,all kind of terms,again 2007,did a stint in the hospital,then treatment rehab,best thing that ever happened to me,did it work,i beleive so,i knowledge of Al is much better,moderation like drinking has a certain skill,Alcoholics cant moderate or quit,on there own,recently i started a calender,sits rt over my computer,check mark for no Al,X for a drinking day,in 2007 i had 67 days Al free,but i didn't stat till oct 26 the next year i went 217 days free of Al,if i keep on track this year it will be 280 days free of Al,is it worth it to drive yourself nut s over if you could or couldnt i dont no, my long term goal is never to touch the stuff,could die b4 tht happens gyco

**Eve11** · August 30, 2009, 10:02 AM

I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

Eve, learning from our mistakes is so important to our journey. As long as we don't keep repeating the same mistake over and over again expecting a different result than I feel we are taking steps forward.

Sara,
These were words of wisdom shared by DeeBee after I had shared that I hadn't met my moderating goals once again. Food for thought...that's for sure.

After a year of pretty successful moderating (anniversary is Sept 2!) I do have to admit that I have had a few episodes too where I haven't followed my moderating plan as desired either and I am more plagued by the question of "why can I sip on one and totally enjoy it and be fine and then blow it and then have 4 or 5 on a rare occasion where I have a hangover the next day and am filled with remorse?". Has only happened 2-3 times this last year but... for me to say I'm modding successfully I too would like that to be 0 times for overindulging.

We went back to help my MIL who was widowed this year with preparing the house and yard for fall/winter (just got home last night). We had wine at her house the 2nd evening there and it seemed so strange how one glass seemed so small (5 oz-seemed like a joke!) whereas other times it seems like more than enough. So, ofcourse I ended up with a 2nd and then a third. 3 or more is always too much for me as I feel it the next day but so strange how in the moment sometimes 1 or 2 just aren't enough whereas most times they are. Because I don't have that answer for myself I am always bothered with the moderating question "To mod or not?" as well.

However, I sure do love a great glass of red with a steak and a wonderful white with seafood. I enjoy having a glass out with hubby on date night and being able to socialize with friends with having one or two at parties and social events. So, I haven't wanted to go the AF route either. But... I want to always be able to control the mod route and I haven't done that 100% either.

I have ordered a new book that discusses cravings etc. and will share whatever info I learn. I am constantly reading and researching trying to figure this problem out for myself and others as well.

I did go the AF route for 7 years. It was great most times, but I was always the one leaving the party or event earliest as it was on the boring side of being the non-drinker.
Times have gotten better now as many people choose to not drink but 20+ years ago when I wasn't I stood out like a sore thumb and there was pressure to that in being the nondrinker. Some people would ask why and the labeling (if I shared I had a problem) was unfair and I was misunderstood.

Maybe the area to work on Sara is drinking around the children. I was on this website recently and my son wanted to know why I still came here as he said I didn't have a problem anymore. You see, those few times I've gone over my limit have been on vacations without the kids so they have been unaware of any behavior I don't like and have only seen me handle one or two where I've been in control. Perhaps concentrating on that one area of better restraint will help you feel better about moderating if you choose to continue the mod path.

I do believe there is more freedom the AF route and can certainly understand that choice for folks. I'm just not there yet either Sara.

PM if you feel the need.
Hugs,
Eve11

**Sunbeam** · August 30, 2009, 11:46 AM

I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

SweetSaraSmiles,
The less often I drink, the less effort it takes to not drink. For me, stopping is harder than not starting.

Today, I won't drink because I did Friday evening at a family dinner, and also last Weds at lunch. That's enough for me during a week, I would prefer less than that.

**Jandal** · August 31, 2009, 05:54 AM

I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

Wow Sara - can I ever relate to being told how many times you told a story to your kids and not remembering telling it cos of the booze!! Hearing that from my daughter got to me just as much as your son got to you. And I really loathed myself for it - every single time they told me I'd done that. I appreciated your words too Eve11. I'm doing everything I can not to drink around my children now. I have them every other week as i have shared care with their dad and since i stopped buying wine at the supermarket it's worked a treat. Mind you just because I have been good while they are with me, I haven't given myself a free pass to make up for lost drinking time when they're not here. In fact I stopped buying wine and drinking at home the week they were at their Dad's. Today's been really tough - late at work when i needed to be home and that put me in a foul mood. But reading some other posts I realise this is part of the weaning process, and fortunately I didn't succumb and buy that wine. I have had something to drink while they are with me but I have only done that at my friends' place and over dinner and only two small glasses.
It's a long road ahead but for the first time I feel like I'm actually on the right one.

**Sarasmiles** · August 31, 2009, 07:08 AM

I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

I'm so thankful for all of your responses! There's nothing so comforting as knowing one isn't alone.

Eve, I think your suggestion of working on not drinking around the children is a great one. Too often, I will pour that first glass of wine when they're "driving me crazy" at 5:00. I keep it to one or two at those times, alone with them...But still...it's drinking in response to stress, which feeds the habit. I don't want them to see me doing that, and I don't want to "tune them out" with alcohol, just because they're fighting or whining or whatever it is that I'm finding stressful. I know that when I do that, I miss an opportunity to help change their behavior, or to find other ways to cope with my own tension.

It seems as though most of us feel, as Sunbeam said, it's easier not to start than to stop at a moderate amount. On the other hand, that "glass of wine with dinner" is so hard to give up. For me, I think the harder thing to give up is the mood elevation. When I'm tense or irritable or premenstrual or anxious, wine is such a quick fix! I have spent a lot of time working on dealing with those feelings in other ways, but lately I've been lazy. It takes so much work.

Last night I had a glass of wine after a long day of entertaining 6 year olds at my son's party. My husband was home, and it was just our own kids by this time. I was cooking dinner, and it suddenly seemed okay to do, even though I'd told myself to be AF. As soon as I'd finished that glass of wine, I wanted more. It was the last glass in the bottle (which I'd also told myself I'd pour out, but didn't). The urge for "a little more" was great enough to lead me to make a vodka and tonic. I know at this point I was feeling guilty, because I hoped my husband and kids would think it was straight tonic, (that is, I was sneaking). Anyway, after a few sips, I realized that the yucky, guilty, "this is not normal drinking" feeling was over-riding the "I've got to intensify this buzz" feeling, and I poured it out. I'm so glad I did. Why was I able to do that last night, when at other times I'd keep going?

I'm thinking about commiting to an AF September. It would be a good way to start the school year, and I know it would be good for me in so many ways. I don't want to set myself up though; I hate it when I tell myself I'll be AF and then I fail...

**greeneyes** · August 31, 2009, 07:36 AM

I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

Sarasmiles;705572 wrote: I'm so thankful for all of your responses! There's nothing so comforting as knowing one isn't alone.

Eve, I think your suggestion of working on not drinking around the children is a great one. Too often, I will pour that first glass of wine when they're "driving me crazy" at 5:00. I keep it to one or two at those times, alone with them...But still...it's drinking in response to stress, which feeds the habit. I don't want them to see me doing that, and I don't want to "tune them out" with alcohol, just because they're fighting or whining or whatever it is that I'm finding stressful. I know that when I do that, I miss an opportunity to help change their behavior, or to find other ways to cope with my own tension.

It seems as though most of us feel, as Sunbeam said, it's easier not to start than to stop at a moderate amount. On the other hand, that "glass of wine with dinner" is so hard to give up. For me, I think the harder thing to give up is the mood elevation. When I'm tense or irritable or premenstrual or anxious, wine is such a quick fix! I have spent a lot of time working on dealing with those feelings in other ways, but lately I've been lazy. It takes so much work.

Last night I had a glass of wine after a long day of entertaining 6 year olds at my son's party. My husband was home, and it was just our own kids by this time. I was cooking dinner, and it suddenly seemed okay to do, even though I'd told myself to be AF. As soon as I'd finished that glass of wine, I wanted more. It was the last glass in the bottle (which I'd also told myself I'd pour out, but didn't). The urge for "a little more" was great enough to lead me to make a vodka and tonic. I know at this point I was feeling guilty, because I hoped my husband and kids would think it was straight tonic, (that is, I was sneaking). Anyway, after a few sips, I realized that the yucky, guilty, "this is not normal drinking" feeling was over-riding the "I've got to intensify this buzz" feeling, and I poured it out. I'm so glad I did. Why was I able to do that last night, when at other times I'd keep going?

I'm thinking about commiting to an AF September. It would be a good way to start the school year, and I know it would be good for me in so many ways. I don't want to set myself up though; I hate it when I tell myself I'll be AF and then I fail...

Sara, that is an excellent post. What if you could put fear of failure aside and try for 30 consecutive days, not restricting it to certain dates (ie: Septembr), just 30 consecutive days. If a drink or two find there way in there, you just start again. Come over to the ODAT thread and we'll help you. AF daily thread too.

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I've lost my way...Is moderation worth the effort?

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