ok, i see what you meant now :)

[letgolaughing]

so, i saw my therapist today. we got kinda "deep"
and i had one of those ah ha moments like oprah.
when i first came on this website, i was trying to find out about withdrawals. my ocd fear of withdrawals was keeping me from having any AF days. I had a few people tell me that perhaps my fear of withdrawals was fear of something else. I didn't know what they meant. I thought they were saying i was in denial about being an alcoholic. That i really kept drinking just because i wanted to drink, not because of the fear of withdrawals. Many people did say that, and meant it. But these folks that i'm talking about we saying go deeper.
I did not understand it, until today. I had a conversation today with my therapist and by the end of the session i got it.

I DO have an ocd fear of withdrawals. It's irrational. I am told that I don't really drink enough at one time to have moderate withdrawals but i just can't believe it and the fear just circles around. HOWEVER, today, we came to the conclusion, that the panic that i get from that fear, is just a distraction. the real anxiety comes from what those folks before were trying to get me to see. I'm scared of what i will do with my time if i don't drink. Will i be so bored? Will i have to take a clear look at my life? Will I like it? etc. so, to deal with that i'm making a list of all the wonderful things i will do when I'm AF. i have alot in mind.

So, instead of dealing with the real anxiety and truth, i have dreamed up an anxiety to distract me and it is more powerful.
so. there.

deep. i get it. but i only half way believe it. (because the fear steps in to distract me)

I haven't had an AF day in a month. I have been modding each day and keeping under my limits but no AF's.
Even as i write this, i'm still scared of the ocd fear.
but, i will go AF tonight. then we'll see what tomorrow brings.

[changemylife]

ok, i see what you meant now

We are all scared of what life will bring us without AL. I have had the opportunity to see the light being AF for an extended period of time. I didn't really like what I saw so I started working to change it. Unfortunately, it recently cam crashing down but i am ready to start again.

[skyslimit]

ok, i see what you meant now

I so get what you mean! I have terrible anxiety with what I will do with my time if I'm not drinking. I have been looking at the tools on the smartrecovery.org website and read a bit about how anxiety will not kill you, it will be uncomfortable but the more you face it head on, face the uncomfortable feeling, the easier it will get and one day you will overcome it. We have been using alcohol for so long to numb our feelings we are scared to death to face an uncomfortable feeling be it anxiety, sadness, etc.

Quite an eye opener for me. I like you am closing monitoring my drinking and am still drinking too much but I am learning and slowly working my way out of the fog.

[Eve11]

ok, i see what you meant now

Letgo,
Wow girlfriend. Great work the therapist that helped you with.

The withdrawal component is an irrational fear but with OCD we all knew that...that it was irrational.

I like how the therapist got to the core of what the problem is. The anxiety is a distraction and keeps your brain very busy thinking, thinking, thinking doesn't it?

Actually, I think alcohol (for me over 2 glasses in an evening) causes anxiety the next day.

I find with AF days, I get so much more done. I'm motivated, feel good. Easy to work out. Easy to call a friend. I have had days when I don't call a friend because I feel anxious from drinking the night before.

Hang in there - sounds like a good therapist!
Eve11

[Popeye]

ok, i see what you meant now

I was a little concerned about filling my drinking time with other things. It didn't worry me as such, I just assumed that there would always be something to do. First, I took up reading, then formal learning, then gardening now running. I'm doing all these things now and really enjoying them.
I never really stuck at much before, maybe due to the fact that drink was my priority and got in the way. I'd start something to stay sober for a couple of days then decide that drink was more important and things were left unfinished. Those were the choices I was making because I am an alcoholic.
Years and years have been wasted caving in to this destructive way of life and I've had enough! If you want to make something seem hard, just keep putting off doing it.
It is often hard to imagine that there are other things, fun things, to do and think about while alcohol has such a grip on us. It's one of the lies we tell ourselves to justify another binge. Obviously, the way to find out what you're capable of as a sober person is to stop drinking so much, or all together. The rest is up to us. We can do whatever we've been putting off doing and when that's done, we can do anything else we choose.

[catch22]

ok, i see what you meant now

letgolaughing;936783 wrote: so, i saw my therapist today. we got kinda "deep"
and i had one of those ah ha moments like oprah.
when i first came on this website, i was trying to find out about withdrawals. my ocd fear of withdrawals was keeping me from having any AF days. I had a few people tell me that perhaps my fear of withdrawals was fear of something else. I didn't know what they meant. I thought they were saying i was in denial about being an alcoholic. That i really kept drinking just because i wanted to drink, not because of the fear of withdrawals. Many people did say that, and meant it. But these folks that i'm talking about we saying go deeper.
I did not understand it, until today. I had a conversation today with my therapist and by the end of the session i got it.

I DO have an ocd fear of withdrawals. It's irrational. I am told that I don't really drink enough at one time to have moderate withdrawals but i just can't believe it and the fear just circles around. HOWEVER, today, we came to the conclusion, that the panic that i get from that fear, is just a distraction. the real anxiety comes from what those folks before were trying to get me to see. I'm scared of what i will do with my time if i don't drink. Will i be so bored? Will i have to take a clear look at my life? Will I like it? etc. so, to deal with that i'm making a list of all the wonderful things i will do when I'm AF. i have alot in mind.

So, instead of dealing with the real anxiety and truth, i have dreamed up an anxiety to distract me and it is more powerful.
so. there.

deep. i get it. but i only half way believe it. (because the fear steps in to distract me)

I haven't had an AF day in a month. I have been modding each day and keeping under my limits but no AF's.
Even as i write this, i'm still scared of the ocd fear.
but, i will go AF tonight. then we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Hi Letgo,
Reading your post, made me think of the first time when i come on this site i was shit scared, scared of everything......But theres something about your post and the word F.E.A.R...made me post today! someone said to me Fear, Everything, Anything, Recovery...I have realize at a young age of 3, i isolated myself, and was in fear i also still do get paraniod, and that is part of fear, some days i still get my emotional hangover days, but it ok to feel my feelings (and also the pain) and go along with the flow of my feelings. I'm learning to let go and it a good feeling....
The other night i was trying to get to sleep ( this has only happen a few times) and as soon as i was about to drop of to sleep my brain told me i cannot, i panic, my heart started beating fast it was a withdrawal nightmare, i thought to myself i have not been drinking Thank God...... I have had a lot of drinking dreams but this one beat the biscuit....
Wishing you all the best, you say, you get it, now start blieving IN it with all your heart , it does work...trust ME:l