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**hippie37** · March 3, 2011, 06:18 AM

controlling binge drinking

Hi beergirl.

It can be quite daunting, I feel, getting over that hurdle and making your first post! But, if you really want help, you do need to be 'seen' in the wider MWO community. So good for you for making that first step and revealing yourself.

What I really connected with in your post was your reference to you son. When I gave up drinking a little over 2 years ago it was the constant feelings of being such a bad father that finally pushed me over the edge. I'd been trying for a few years without much success to stop drinking. I'd get maybe 3/4 months under my belt then I'd be begging to find an excuse so I could drink again. It was a nightmare trying to stay sober. I know now in hindsight I was still a 'dry' drunk. I'd done nothing to address my behaviour or dealt with anything that was causing 'triggers' in my life.

My daughter was about 3 at the time I first tried to address my alcoholism. I'm not suggesting for one minute that you're an alcoholic either. I know for me that's the suit that fits and I wear it. Although today I do consider myself to be a recovered alcoholic. Only you can come to that conclusion yourself as to whether you validate yourself as one or not. That choice is yours and yours alone I'm afraid. My daughter, though, was the most precious gift I was given in my miserable life and I was making a complete hash of being a father. I was nothing more than a glorified babysitter to my daughter. I had no real emotional connection with her and I was acting in ways that put her at risk a lot of the time. I drank a lot of the time to mask feelings of shame around my daughter which I now realise stem back years even before my daughter was born. This shame was toxic and it was slowly corroding me inside. So I guess it was my daughter that finally brought it all to the surface.

I drank mostly to hide feelings that made me uncomfortable during the later years of my drinking career. But most of my drinking, like you, was done through binging. I'd always dreamed of the sex, drugs and rock n roll lifestyle, choosing to live my life through principals surrounding that. I considered myself a lot of the time to be just very hedonistic. Yet all my principals around my drinking (and drug taking) went out the window when I couldn't cope any longer with life. My party daze we're well and truly no longer fun any more. In fact I can't remember when I crossed that line of it being fun, wild and crazy to it being sad, lonely and feeling isolated and alone in the world. I masked it so well.

But like you I started of binging at week-ends. It was what all the kids my age were doing when we first discovered alcohol. We'd club our money together to buy the strongest and the most alcohol we could for what little money we had so it would 'do the job' and get us pissed. So I've always had that mentality around alcohol and drugs. I quit the drugs quite easily and went cold turkey but the alcohol was the one that had it's claws in tight with me. I didn't reach for drugs in the morning to ease the suffering of a 3 day bender I reached straight for a bottle or can of 'super'. The binges were lasting longer as far as others were concerned but in fact I was now just needing a drink to survive and make me feel 'normal' (whatever that is!).

I still remember to this day the last bender I went on. I was in a friend's house whilst she was away in Las Vegas on holiday. I was supposed to be looking after her house, her dog and her 17 year old son. Yet I drank her house dry and over a period of about a week I didn't leave the house apart from going to the off license for more cans. At this point I was only having limited access with my daughter because of my drinking (my partner and I had split up by this time). Which also meant I couldn't drink 24 hours prior to seeing my daughter. I was lying through my teeth to my ex partner (which she saw right through!) about my drinking and I was feeling absolutely worthless as a father and let's be honest a decent human being. I finally collapsed in her house one morning and when I came round I just cried my eyes out. I knew there and then I was beat. I had nothing left to give as a father, son, brother, friend.....anything. I was soul-less. Yet it was from that point that there wasn't any further place to go. The only way was up for me or the ultimate price was death.

The relationship I have now with my daughter is just amazing. I'm still learning to be a father. But I'm willing these days to go to any lengths to maintain my sobriety and grow as a person in order for that to happen. I started out trying to get sober for my daughter but in the end I realised I had to get sober for me. It just doesn't work any other way. It's because of that though that I have such a wonderful relationship with not only my daughter but my family and friends as well. It may sound selfish but without my sobriety I'm no good to anyone. I can still be way of beam at times and cause offence when I don't mean to but when you have people around you that understand you and only want what's best for you then it makes it that bit easier to cope.

A friend said to me once "Phil, if you feel like a shit-house, it's probably because you've been behaving like a shit-house". I don't want to feel like a shit-house any more. I'm sure no-one does. So I try my best to behave, act and conduct myself in a way that doesn't make me feel that way. As soon as I pick up a drink though that, again, goes all out the window and I start behaving in ways that cause me to feel worthless. If you're anything like me then one or two drinks is NEVER going to be enough. I'll always want more. That's the nature or the alcoholic; always wanting more to fill the void inside. What I also had to realise was that alcohol was not the problem in my life, I was the problem. Alcohol was only the solution to my problems. It fixed everything for me and made me feel 'normal' again. But when you cross that line which for me sounds like you're getting very close to that's when the real pain and suffering starts. When alcohol is costing you more than just money then you need to seriously start doing something about it. It's an easy line to cross but a tough one to get back over. I'd suggest you be willing to do whatever it takes NOW to make sure you don't cross it. But all too often I'm afraid, that's what it takes for some to wake up to themselves.

Whatever you choose to do make sure you have the loving support around you that you need. For me, personally, I need to have other alcoholics/addicts who are in recovery for that. Yes, I'm in fellowship but I'm not someone who's here to 'carry the AA message'. It works for me because I've always been searching for that holy grail I guess. I didn't find it through drugs or drink but I've found it through living my life consciously today.

Sorry for the long winded post too beergirl!! But it's really helped me too today writing this down again. So thanks for your post.

Many Blessings
Phil

**TRUCKER123** · March 3, 2011, 06:24 AM

controlling binge drinking

Hi BG Welcome, I can relate to the binge drinking i can say that i tried drinking only on weekend's yr's ago didn't work for me.All i can say is 1 is to many and a thousand isn't enough for me.. so i have decided to go af/alcohol free...You may be able to moderate that's your decision to make.. only you no how bad thing's get for you when you pick up that first drink.There's a lot of ppl here on this site that can drink in moderation..im sure more will come to you with question's and support you in what ever decision you make Again welcome and good luck. Trucker

**LVT25** · March 3, 2011, 09:20 AM

controlling binge drinking

Hippie--I just love you and your honest posts from your heart!:h

Beergirl--I was just curious to know if you've read the My Way Out book? Your story caught my eye to since it is similar to mine. I was amazed and happy to learn that there were actually books out there about learning to drink in moderation. Like, Trucker--I had a real issue with stopping at 1 or even 2. I learned by trying the program that I prefer to be alcohol free.

My advice would be for you to read the book, work the program and see if it works for you. I guarantee you will be happier and the mom you know you can be once you break free from the grips of alcohol. Binge drinking is terrible to our health as well.

Keep posting and reading. Start with 30 days alcohol free. It won't be easy, and when you try to drink in moderation and it is really difficult to stick to that, you might want to consider giving it up altogether. For me that was the case, and I am so glad I quit when I did. :l

**KundaliniGirl** · March 3, 2011, 12:45 PM

controlling binge drinking

Beergirl, IMHO you'll need to go completely AF for several months before you can even consider moderating. I've not seen anyone here who was able to mod before an AF period. And, there are very few people moderating successfully who have gotten to a certain point (which it sounds like you may have reached).

Hippie, loved reading your post - so honest and right on. Trucker, sounds like you're doing well. Keep it going!!

KG

**beergirl** · March 3, 2011, 07:53 PM

controlling binge drinking

Hippie,

I can't even begin to express how much I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my post. I can feel the emotion in it and really connected to it. I think I was hoping that you would tell me that moderating would be the answer to my prayers, that somehow, miraculously, I could just have 2 or 3 but i have to face the truth that it is not going to be like that. It seems easy enough when I am sober but I know that as soon as I have one drink I can't stop. The thought of going cold turkey is too much for me to get my head around and I though moderating would give me that out but I think I have to finally face the reality of my situation.

Like you, my son is the reason that I now have to deal with this, I have put him in some shocking situations that, when I sober up, I am mortified and swear to myself I will never put him in that position again but the cycle repeats itself as soon as I open that first drink. I have even picked him up from school drunk!!

I am not sure where to go from here, I am an expat and do not have aa meetings in english where I live. I already feel that this forum is a life line, that I am not as alone as I feel.

I think I have one of those addictive personalities - I never do anything by half!! Drinking included....

I think the shame of living in a small expat community and thinking of how I have behaved has compounded the problem, I now sit at home and drink and shame, absurdly I know, drives me to drink again to mask the shame - !!

I would like to thank everyone that replied, Trucker, LVT25, KG - thank you, I have to face the fact that I will have to go AF but I can't even begin to see at the moment how I am going to do that. I related to the 1 is too many and a 1000 is not enough - that is exactly me! I keep wishing I was "normal", that I could just go out with friends (when I had them!) and have a couple of drinks and enjoy them like they do but I am always last man standing hours after they have gone home. I suppose my "normal" is never going to be that.

Thank you again for all your replies it has meant a great deal to me today and given me a glimmer of hope that I didn't have yesterday.:h

Sorry for the ramble - I am still trying to sort this all out in my head and am feeling overwhelmed with it all.

BG

**KundaliniGirl** · March 4, 2011, 09:46 AM

controlling binge drinking

BG,

I keep wishing I was "normal", that I could just go out with friends (when I had them!)

Ironically, this could really help you right now. For me, it's easy not to drink unless I'm with people. So, could this be a good thing right now?

Let us know how we can help.

KG

**janka** · November 21, 2011, 06:38 PM

controlling binge drinking

Hi beergirl -- haven't been here in a while, but came back for a visit to this wonderful place to find out what is going on and maybe to help out. I too was a binge drinker and could not imagine being alcohol-free forever (still can't). I could not make that promise to myself, my children not to anyone, as I "relapsed" over and over again, even though I have had decent periods of sobriety too. What I have done is this: slowly and gradually eliminate the inclination to drink, postpone for an hour then two, then a day then more days, a week then more weeks. If I drank infrequently within sensible and safe limits ... I no longer beat myself up for it ... then kept restricting/limiting use a little at a time -- i.e., basic harm reduction. I opted for progress not perfection ... am feeling way better physically and psychologically. I rarely drink now and never get drunk. Just my way

**available** · November 21, 2011, 07:50 PM

controlling binge drinking

wow what great posts and i read them and think yup thats me, yep thats me, yep i can relate to that. oh dear sigh but i get the most encouragement and hope from reading. I drink by myself day in day out, no breaks for me though i tell myself i wont drink today but by the end of the day i deserve it. no i dont deserve it but until im in that headspace i will just keep trying. i did 11 days AF 2 weeks ago but then thought oh its friday i can mod and well yeah NOOOOOOOOO. drank for a whole week after that, not as much as before so that was good. now up to day 2 and i think it is harder this time but one day AF is better than none. Its a learning curve and some learn quicker than others. I want to give up AL and i know i will and then i add to that sentence One Day. But i am here and if i had not found this site i would be to where i was and that was not a happy place to be.

Hippie what a great story of yours and very encouraging for us all. I may write mine one day when i am away from this insidious disease

**RingingCedars** · November 21, 2011, 08:07 PM

controlling binge drinking

Good to hear from you Janka and sounds like you're in a much better place. Great! I think it is very individual and discovering what works for us/implementing strategies is the key to success. Harm reduction is a critical part of the mind set/process imo.

AV--you are here and improving. That in itself will carry you to where you wish to be. Baby steps my friend. xo

**available** · November 21, 2011, 08:28 PM

controlling binge drinking

Hi RC yes i am always here, well unless i have a drink and feel terrible but then the AF days are getting better than the drinking ones due to being here. Payday tomorrow and i am off for the supps etc and to buy the book from here. definitely baby steps. Its funny how u think u are doing ok and dont come on here for a couple of days and wham back to step one. I need this place i dont need AL. I need my cyber friends who know what i am going through, i dont need AL.

**RingingCedars** · November 21, 2011, 09:08 PM

controlling binge drinking

AV--You know what you need and next steps are going for it...which you are.:goodjob:

**Eve11** · November 22, 2011, 10:41 AM

controlling binge drinking

Janka,
Nice post and good info for beergirl.

What I have done is this: slowly and gradually eliminate the inclination to drink, postpone for an hour then two, then a day then more days, a week then more weeks.

So often if one just postpones that drink then the craving eventually goes away. Sometimes it helps to make a nice non-al drink like a seltzer and cranberry juice with lime. I think the hardest mindset is the "can never drink again" idea. That is why AA promotes the saying "one day at a time". Just get through that one day of not drinking and then work on day 2, etc. There is a lot of support here for beergirl and everyone else who visits or decides to join. Thanks for such an enlightening post.
:l
Eve11
p.s. Amazing heartfelt post from Hippie. I know he touched a lot of people with his story, not just beergirl.

**welshgirl** · January 15, 2012, 02:19 PM

controlling binge drinking

Cant go on

I cant just have a few drinks, my brain kicks into binge drinking mode immediately. Last night I drank so much I ended up in the flat of a young guy - thankfully I had the sense to leave before I did anything stupid, as I have a partner. When I am drunk, I think its clever to play little games, lie and say I'm foreign even though I live in a small town and ill get caught out. I tell people my darkest secrets and embellish them for attention. I'm ruining my own good name, and my 11 year relationship with my wonderful partner. He's staying at a friends because I got so drunk last weekend that I came home, threw food at him and threw up. I'm trying to persuade him not to leave me. I'm 27, and I hate myself for being this way. I'm going to get counselling before I lose everything, including my sanity.
If anyone has any advice, id gratefully receive it - I feel so alone.

**mightymite** · January 15, 2012, 05:48 PM

controlling binge drinking

Welcome Welshgirl,
From what I read, it seems to me that AL is causing immense problems in your life. Your first sentence indicates that you know you cannot have just one or two. I am not sure that the Long Term Mod sight is where you need to be. If you want to kick AL completely, please go to Just Starting Out/Newbies Nest. You will find such wonderful, caring people that will help and guide you in your quest to be AF. We are a friendly bunch here too but we have allowed AL into our lives in moderation. So if you think you cannot have AL in your life then please visit the Newbies Nest. I think you may need some AF time before you can even consider modding. It seems that AL is causing problems in your relationship and I think it is important to take one day at a time and try getting AL out of your life for the time being and maybe forever. But concentrate on what you have to do just to get through today or even just one hour AF. We are always here for you too if you want to talk.

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