The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

[FarfallaP]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

about significant others

I have decided it is MUCH easier to clean out the garage, for example, if all the residents of the house are equally fed up with tripping over all that STUFF.
And, it is easier to go on a diet if one's partner is ready to, as well...etc etc...

BUT, the spirit seldom moves all parties at the same time, so we must try to do what is right for us and cope as best we can. If my husband puts mustard on his burger and I use catsup, neither of us bats an eyelash. However, if he permits himself a beer while cooking, I somehow feel as if I, too, MUST have an alcoholic drink, because I deserve a treat, TOO!

Fortunately for me, he has kindly decided to forgo his beer while cooking, which has helped me immensely...but, he still wants to "treat" me, now & then, and most definitely wants us to continue with alcohol as a choice in our lives, now & then.

So it is really up to ME to figure out my own compulsions and parameters in this somewhat untidy "garage!" And, I cannot place the blame elsewhere when to drink or not is really my own choice, anyway. FF

[drinkingal]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

FarfallaP;1362859 wrote: However, if he permits himself a beer while cooking, I somehow feel as if I, too, MUST have an alcoholic drink, because I deserve a treat, TOO!

FF I could have written that myself, I also get caught up in the "me too" when my DH drinks, somehow if he drinks it gives me permission to do it so I've had to at times remind myself that I need to keep his drinking and my drinking separate and make my own choices. It's not easy though and I do fall into that trap still.

[ToMyHealth]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

I so resonate with what you are all saying.

DG - I have not been paying attention to 'how many'. And I break down the days between AF and nonAF days and there haven't been many AF days lately either. That's changing today. I put a ??? in yest drinktracker. Fortunately, I am not terribly hungover, am being productive and plan to do a workout shortly. But I'm not happy with myself. I so agree with this subject matter being far more interesting than growing tomatoes.

FF - so hear you on the food becoming unappetizing, you prefer the wine, thank you. How dumb is that. I mean me. I want to be healthy. Let's see - good food, wine, good food, wine.

Rebirth - if you're lurking, can you come back and join us? I so miss your discipline in your modding and your sharing how you do that.

Why is it we have so much chatter going on in our heads? Can certainly picture the devil and angel on each shoulder. Part of my problem is in not being productive enough here in retirement. I need to print out my week's schedule to include workouts, errands, chores and not be so lackadaisical in doing just normal tasks. It's like I'm in 'weekend mode' all the time, and the "I can do it tomorrow" syndrome. Ok, Scarlet. And sorry, if I'm talking about myself too much too, but it helps.

Thanks for 'listening'.

TMH

[FarfallaP]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

Hi TMH,

Glad to hear from you again!

And, yes, sometimes I become impatient with so much focussing on "Me" and "my ISSUEs with AL" ... but, in a way, I see it almost as preventive maintenance. Constant vigilance on the food/calorie front is pretty much the price for fitting into the majority of my clothes, and I suspect similar effort is necessary on the AL front, to prevent AL (that "cunning and baffling enemy) from sneakily creeping up on me again.

Thank goodness for MWO...and all of you who listen and come up with good ideas to counteract that "chatter" in my head.

FF

[LibraryGirl]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

I think this thread is helpful too. While I admit that I sometimes do not "count" glasses of wine, I do feel that I've made considerable progress on AF days. For me, obsessing about how much and how often I drink makes the compulsion to drink that much worse.

[jenniech]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

hi all - posting on this page for the first time because I blew it last night. had about 3 glasses of wine at a party. I had been AF since 8/5...going to AA, getting temporary sponsor. I felt really good all week not drinking. but then last night at the party, i called my husband into the bathroom so i could tell him I wanted to have wine. He said, well, that is your choice. Just be sure it is what you really want to do. I am not going to tell you what to do and will support you, whatever decision you make"....(he is so awesome) Anyway, I had my first glass and drank it really slowly . . . really small sips. the other two went down much faster but i really did enjoy them and i was no longer MISERABLE at the party. Today, I have that slight fog from the alcohol but I wouldn't say i was hungover. So i called my sponsor and told her and she was really angry with me. Her reaction has really got me thinking. I was miserable at that party watching everyone else drink. I was at the party for two hours before I had the first drink. Once I had that first glass of wine, I really enjoyed myself. Now, today, I am determined to be AF all week. So what is wrong with making a rule for myself not to drink unless I am at a party? Or am I just making excuses for myself? sponsor wants me to find a meeting to go to tonight and to call her and tell her which one i am going to. I feel like a child being scolded by an adult....sorry for the rambling, but I am just kind of confused today

[FarfallaP]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

Hi Jennie,

It seems to me that a lot depends on your own personal "on-off" switch. If it works pretty well, then a person can make choices about alcohol use. If it's completely Kaput, then the compulsion to drink to excess seems to rule the person. No one can tell that for another person.

Many, if not most, people who find AA have completely busticated "on-off" switches, and in lots of cases, one drink can somehow open the floodgates and lead to duis, handcuffs, death. Most of us have at least a bit of contact with this sorrow, and it is this fear, imo, which can sometimes lead a person, (perhaps like your sponsor?) to react strongly to your presentation of "an occasional drink can't hurt me."

Your estimate of your own capability is probably right for you at this time, but her experience may be quite different...perhaps you can let her down gently???

Good luck. FF

[vlivengood]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

Well as of yesterday I have a NEW time that I blew it so I get to post again... have been really good about no liquor, and keeping the beers to a minimum and even having AF days, but yesterday I got home from a 3 day trip and my husband had bought some whiskey and i saw it in the freezer and had 3 shots....................... I feel like total crap today...............

my plan will continue in which I do not buy liquor, I haven't in weeks now and been fine, really do not know what to do when it is right in-front of me.... Guess we'll see tonight as there is still some left and I plan to be AF today

[DancingGirl]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

Good discussion - and to count or not to count is definitely a good question. We are all on our own journeys, but I find that if I don't count for a day - not a huge problem. But when it slips into a habit ("I don't care... I'm choosing to drink... like I did yesterday.... and the day before...) I would say I'm not drinking moderately anymore. That's just my journey, not a comment on anyone else's

I also, although the scale says I haven't lost even one pound, am starting to feel more comfortable in clothes that were feeling too tight. How much incentive is that????

Love to all,
DG

[Eve11]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

:l

vlivengood;1363466 wrote: I got home from a 3 day trip and my husband had bought some whiskey and i saw it in the freezer and ...

I know what you mean. Sometimes we can be so on target and then get thrown. My friend picked me up one night and my committment was no more than 2. I was shocked that she was driving with a glass of wine in a plastic cup in the cup holder for me!! There it was right in front of me and was hard to say no. Knew our plan was dinner and a nightcap later so my no more than 2 plan was shot. Was just so hard to say no when it was right THERE!!

:l
Eve11

[Eve11]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

Jenniech,
I can relate to your statement "I was miserable at the party watching everyone else drink." It can be hard and it always appears that those drinking are having more fun. AL is a relaxant so some people truly are having more fun because of it. The problem ofcourse for those of us with problems is we have faulty shut off valves. Sometimes that satiety that we want to have happen after 2 drinks does not and we CRAVE more. Then the judgement goes and sometimes we find we have many more than we intended. It is a battle.

For me the negative with AA is it is an all or nothing approach. There are many other programs for help but few social workers, judges, and people in the field who should know about them don't. Your sponsor ofcourse cares about you and believes in the AA all or nothing approach so I am not surprised she was angry. I want to share a story that may help you and then will list some other groups other than AA to consider.


Bluesky's Story
I've been trying to moderate my drinking since my teens, and I'm now in my 40s. I finally came to the realization that, for me, abstinence is the only way, but like you, I have harbored reservations and have given it another try. It never works out for me, but still I don't learn.
You see, my memory is selective. I tend to forget how sick I felt each day, the hangovers, the blackouts, the puking, the worrying about how I appeared to other people, the remorse I felt every single morning when I woke up. I was beating myself up and yet I continued. Who does that? Social drinkers don't do that. But alcoholics do.

Not An Alcoholic?
It could be that you're not an alcoholic, but remember that more than one drink per day for a woman is risking health problems. Can you moderate to one drink per day and perhaps a couple occasionally? Or will there be times when you can't control it and binge?
Usually, when we have to assert so much control over our drinking, it's because it's taken control of us. Otherwise, why would we need to wrestle control back?

-- Bluesky


The article goes on to say:

A Dangerous Gamble
Many alcoholics have tried to return to social drinking. Those who did so successfully were probably problem drinkers to begin with and not necessarily alcoholics. The Moderation Management program has helped many learn to drink safely, but it's not for everyone.
The vast majority of alcoholics who talk themselves into thinking they can return to "normal" drinking find that they quickly return to unsafe or binge drinking. The problem is that by the time they find out that they are not capable of moderating their drinking, it is too late. It takes many of them years to find recovery again and unfortunately some never make it back.

Jenniech,
Programs for moderate drinking are Moderation Management (google these programs and you'll find info you need for on-line support or possible support in your community, as well as Drinkwise).

There are other programs for abstinence besides AA such as Women for Sobriety, SMART and Rational Recovery. Perhaps one of these would be a better fit for you if you get discouraged with AA. Just keep in mind there are a lot of recovery options.
:l
Eve11
p.s.
Feel free to private mail me anytime if you want to talk privately.

[jenniech]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

Eve
thank you so much for all of your helpful information!!!! I am definitely going to check them out. So, it has be 13 days and I have been to 14 AA meetings....I feel as though I should give it a chance. Problem is, 9 out of 10 people in those rooms are facing one or more of the following: divorce, losing custody of kids, losing home, losing job, bankruptcy or jail time. I just have a hard time listening to their stories and the negativity. Yes, it is a powerful reminder of what could happen to me if I start drinking again, but I am having a hard time relating....anyway, I will do some searches now.
Thanks again!!!!!
:thanks:

[Eve11]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

Jenniech,
Good luck. I have heard the same thing from other people, that they just don't fit in. Of course there are many kinds of AA groups. Maybe (as an example) a young professional group would be a better fit for a high functioning problem drinker who is a white collar person. Sometimes women feel better about groups that build women up (like Women for Sobriety) and some people don't like the concept of AA's "powerless over alcohol". They want to think differently, like they made bad choices or got into bad habits but are in control of their destiny and are not powerless. Check around and you may find a group that feels like a better fit.

:l
Eve11

[Zax]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

Eve11;1369213 wrote: Jenniech,
Good luck. I have heard the same thing from other people, that they just don't fit in. Of course there are many kinds of AA groups. Maybe (as an example) a young professional group would be a better fit for a high functioning problem drinker who is a white collar person. Sometimes women feel better about groups that build women up (like Women for Sobriety) and some people don't like the concept of AA's "powerless over alcohol". They want to think differently, like they made bad choices or got into bad habits but are in control of their destiny and are not powerless. Check around and you may find a group that feels like a better fit.

:l
Eve11

This was pretty much my experience with AA. I had a very hard time relating to anyone there. I'm well educated, work very hard, have a great job, have a nice house, even have a loving girlfriend. I'm a nice moral guy and really have never done anything i regret with alcohol (barring a few bush watering incidents but i call that nature). While i did go through a divorce, and it was awful... the reason was i confessed i was drinking too much and wanted support to quit and the harlet didnt like that at all because it made her look bad and she up and left! Nevermind that she had no idea and everything was going swimmingly before then. Oh well, vowed to chose a better personality on the next girl! Whats broken in me, is i simply like to pound back the alcohol to shutup my overly type-A brain, a lot of it. Even if it means manning up and going into work feeling like i was gonna die and giving a presentation. I had the same experience as AA in an outpatient program i went to where of the 20 people... i'm sitting there thinking one of these things does not belong. I brought that up with the therapist in a 1:1 and she got all pissed and claimed there's no such thing as a high functioning alcoholic, thou shalt never drink again or you'll end up like them. I get it, im not any better than anyone else nor was that my intention bringing it up. But realistically, i'm not ever ending up there because i dont do stupid shit either drunk or sober. The reason i'm quitting for a third time is because i'd like to not die from liver failure or heart disease, pure and simple. Quite frankly the thought of giving up alcohol for the rest of my life is more terrifying than being an binge drinker. I've done years without alcohol. I've done moderation and yes, i've slipped up like last time and went back to binging because it felt good. Every choice i made has ultimately been mine to make. Just like with the rest of life sometimes you make good ones and sometimes you make bad ones. I have no illusion i can ever "completely control alcohol" but i'll be damned if i'll let someone sit there and preach to me that im powerless. Same thing goes for people who say tapering is impossible and you HAVE to do a medical detox if you slip up.

Edit: Another random side thought, the concept of a "bottom". Everyone kept telling me, you just haven't hit your bottom yet. It's like they are TRYING to set you up for failure and *scare* you into stop drinking. Thank you very much, i'm hard enough on myself when i dont meet exacting standards as it is. I dont need you to judge me on top of that.

Sorry im just spewing random thoughts. Still figuring things out... searching for meaning and the "not fitting in to the AA mold" hit a chord. Thought i would commiserate with a bit of rambling.

[FarfallaP]

The last time I blew it when trying to mod...

Hi Zax and welcome to MWO !

It sounds as though you have a pretty good idea of what is best for you and how you like to approach life, including situations which are challenges.
I noticed your post in a different location, and I almost had to laugh out loud...years ago, my BP at my annual physical in March was 117/78, then at the dentist's in April it was 150/90! And of course the hygienist freaked out, and I called the doctor's office right there in her presence to PROVE I did not have an issue, it was that merely contemplating a root canal was making me a nervous wreck.
So ever since I have had white coat hypertension...oh well.
Anyway you have come to a great place. There is support here for whichever way you choose to go on your journey of the place which you wish to give alcohol in your life.
For most of us, we have read the MWO book, which can be downloaded on this website...I have also used many of the supplements, (still use the AllOne, but I get it from Vitacost), we try to make a plan, and read, read, read the info and what other people have used on this site. I especially like the thread called the Tool Box in the Abstainers Section.
Good luck on your journey. I am now going to check out some of the blood pressure info links you kindly posted in your other note. FF