November Mod Squad

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

Hi alcoholic, thanks for the words... She was drinking, champagne, I don't think she was drunk...its more the whole vive when we're in this place. First, I was stupid, I broke every one of my rules, and even the HALT rules... Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired and mine, no wine... I really had the intenion of only having 2 glasses of wine....taking the vibe out of the place... I just came from a running workout...so i was Hungry, somewhat tired, not angry, but definitely became lonely.

So, the vibe of the place is we're supposed to be "just friends" because she doesn't want the people to know her business, maybe because both live in the area...its ridiculous...I have been to this place with her gfs hitting on me because I am introduced as "my good friend, X."

I just feel so ashamed and stupid, I should've seen this coming, she asked me to meet her there and agreed...I should've declined...Then she starts telling me what to do, which just makes it worse, because now I look like a tool, because "we're just friends." Oh, we've been together for about six months...and the weather didn't help....yes, triggers depression.

I just hate disappointing myself. Now, I have the anxeity starting to kick in...part of me wants to pack it up early, go on a run, take 1/2 a sleeping aid and just welcome tomorrow.

I haven't heard from her yet, which is weird (unless she's trying to text me)..which is creeping the anxiety of course...she could be busy, and like I said, I kind of want to be alone...

I was doing so well, now I feel I have lost my grip and can't get it back...

[Alcoholic]

November Mod Squad

Stewart:

sometimes in a relationship we feed off each other's bad vibes. Even little gestures here can trigger a negative comment from the other, then it's like a domino effect, one jabs another w more hurtful things. If a relationship is going to work, one of you probably have to swallow the pride and apologize for any wrongdoing yesterday. Willingness to say sorry and willingness to forgive for both sides is essential. That goes for this or any future relationships. I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this because I have apologized many times to my husband and forgiven him many times. He has done the same. We are just imperfect humans who make mistakes.... I hope she calls or texts you... Or you call or text her . Either way, it's probably better to clear the air instead leaving things unsettled. That's just my opinion. Doesn't mean much really. My rambling. Ignore me of you want. I'm nuts according to my husband .

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

Agree

I agree 100%. It's always me that swallows the pride. And yes, I have actually done or said some bad things in the past, usually relating to this, and I always apologized and we moved on. I remember when we first started dating, I did something so rotten, I was so ashamed...we got through that even.

Alcoholic, I think part of me just wants to be left alone right now and I don't feel like dealing with her right now. I know she will come up with some reason why I am the bad guy and I don't want to deal with that. I simply wanted to give you a present, which I think is cute, but she is dreading for some reason, and of course see her. I did NOT want to be imasculated, ridiculed, continue to play this stupid game.

We were supposed to go out to dinner tonight, I honestly don't care if we do or not...I am emtionally spent. When I have my wits about me tomorrow, if I haven't heard from her, I will reach out.

Ever have one of those days when you don't feel like dealing with anyone or anything, your mind feels like mush?? That's me...I rather be a lone right now...

[Alcoholic]

November Mod Squad

Stewart:

Yes, of course I have. Relationship is give and take. And if you're always the one apologizing, it'll get old soon. And I totally understand you definitely need the alone time to rethink things and cool things down. it can't be one sided. She needs to do more. But I'm sure she has plenty wonderful things about her otherwise you wouldn't be this crazy about her...

I hope you sort it out.... And we are here if you need us....

Hugs.

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

Hey, thanks

Ha, I actually do need the support right now and logged on to see if you responded.

I kind of know what's going to happen or could happen if we start talking, and I can't have this conversation. I am going to tell her why I get so sad and she's going to say I knew what I was getting into when I signed on for this, which is true. She told me she's separated, she told me her and her husband, while not intimate, were going to therapy and there's a chance she'd go back.

Now, why would I get into such a mess? Yes, I am crazy about her and I acknowledged what I was getting into. I am also divorced and know the signs and a failing marriage....they have every single one...I don't know what they think they're accomplishing...once you have another man in your bed, literally, in your bed, it's really game over.

However, I need my mental wits now to deal with this siutation in public, when we have to "play the charade". In front of my friends and family we don't, although her mom was not fooled as to who I really was, I feel real shitty now when I have to do this and I forget, because it's become more and more infequent that I have to do this...which is good, but then something like this happens.

I told her from day one she was playing a dangerous game, someone getting hurt is inevitable.

If I get the courage or guts, I might simply say that...I'm sorry, but I get very sad and depressed when we have to play this game...I rather we don't meet up or hang out if its going to be one of those scenarios...we can see each other later or another time.

Why didn't I just order a beer...get something to eat...or better yet, just go home...

[Alcoholic]

November Mod Squad

Stewart:

Do you think she is changing her mind? Do you think she is trying to cool your relationship off now?

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

No, she wouldn't have asked me to meet her last night and she wouldn't have wanted to go to dinner tonight. If she wanted to, she want to have a discussion about "just being friends" for real. She has this delusion that if it didn't work out between us we'd be still great friends. I tell her over, and over, that is not going to happen. if she's pissed now, she may be thinking that now, but it will most likely pass.

She has no relationship with her husband, the two of them don't realize it. I remember when I got divorced, all the bs that happened between my ex and I, she said the one thing that made it all irrepairable, was I showed little interest in her, sexually.

You can't repair a relationship if you're not intimate, any Dr. will tell you its virtually impossible.

I always feel like I'm in this long trial period, which is unfair because it puts us in limbo...and any problems we do have....are related to this and nothing else, eg. if she was to say something like, "well, maybe we just don't work well?" Huh? Get rid of other party and everything will be just fine. When we're not playing this game we always have a great time.

She also has the fiery red-head thing down, so if she is upset, it's better to let her cool down, because she'll then just start saying hurtful things and the situation will just get worse. I have heard about fights she's had with her husband where she's thrown dishes at him, for real, and other non-sense, and she's moved on....if she is start talking like this though, like I said, I need my wits and brain at 100%.

As I said before, this is one those rare times, when I need space...

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

Besides, ha, well, if my heart was not in this, I would be telling myself, stay silent for awhile...

[Alcoholic]

November Mod Squad

You sound better already, Stewart!

[vlivengood]

November Mod Squad

LG, really good news about your Mom! You and Ally both made comments about the site... did you read Eve's response to Stew. I thought it was well written.

Well hello everyone. I had a few beers last night with hubby... We ordered some prints of our photos from our amsterdam trip and were putting them in a photo album and just having a nice evening.

Just even a few beers stopped me from getting up for gym.... not hung over just decided to sleep more... O well I may go for a bike ride after work.

Stew, sorry to hear about your recent depression and the events surrounding it, I would not be surprised if a big part of the depression subconsciously stems from the not getting to run the marathon and maybe when you run the one this weekend a lot of it will lift.

However, I can't help but wish you would end that relationship, you sound like a wonderful man who deserves a wonderful woman ALL TO HIM SELF..... Sorry if it sounds rude but I thought by the end of October she was going to leave him. I don't doubt your love for each other but a relationship is about SOOOOOO much more just because you two are in love does not mean you have a good relationship. I really think you deserve much more.....

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR MARATHON

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

vlivengood;1408008 wrote: LG, really goo news about your Mom! You and Ally both made comments about the site... did you read Eve's response to Stew. I thought it was well written.

Well hello everyone. I had a few beers last night with hubby... We ordered some prints of our photos from our amsterdam trip and were putting them in a photo album and just having a nice evening.

Just even a few beers stopped me from getting up for gym.... not hung over just decided to sleep more... O well I may go for a bike ride after work.

Stew, sorry to hear about your recent depression and the events surrounding it, I would not be surprised if a big part of the depression subconsciously stems from the not getting to run the marathon and maybe when you run the one this weekend a lot of it will lift.

However, I can't help but wish you would end that relationship, you sound like a wonderful man who deserves a wonderful woman ALL TO HIM SELF..... Sorry if it sounds rude but I thought by the end of October she was going to leave him. I don't doubt your love for each other but a relationship is about SOOOOOO much more just because you two are in love does not mean you have a good relationship. I really think you deserve much more.....

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR MARATHON

HI V,

I am not offended at all and other people have said this to me. Even people I meet for the first time. Yes, that did upset me, the now "extended time". I don't want to dwell on the particulars in too much detail, I feel its not fair to the others, but this trip to Ireland their going on came up ?!?!?! I kept my mouth shut, but was REALLY upset (another time, I didn't do anything about it, I just dwelled). I even said to her and I should be going (and I added something dirty to do on the irish hillsides, which I will refrain from repeating) and she got all giggly and said she'd love that ?!?! Point, I eventually came out and asked her about it, because I know she's in therapy, what her therapist thought about it, she claims it was her idea...Hmmm. I then asked if her therapist REALLY knew what was going on, which she said she did because they meet one on one...I felt a little more at ease, because the Dr. is making them do this for a reason, although my therapist told me this is unorthodox for a counsler to keep informaiton from a couple in therapy, which if is true, what do these two think they're doing?...anyway....

Good news, bad news as it relates to drinking. Good news, I know why this happened, I know why I dropped my rules, I remember ordering another glass of wine to spite her, but who I am really hurting...myself. The bad news, with us, actually, it only happens, when we are this place with her friends around (actually their really acquaitances), I start getting resentful and sad sitting there as "oh some friend." I also then tend to be the odd man out because of social and world views, and I don't like to upset anyone about stupid crap like politics, but I don't mind talking about it, however, she starts chastising and yelling at me and tells me to shut up, that I can't speak here. The problem, I usually try and avoid these situations, but well, not putting myself in them, so my mind "forgets" this can happen and I get bamboozled some times.

I don't like feeling bad, or depressed and I don't like bringing people down. I actually finally ordered the my way out book, the pdf. I was fine modding for a long time, but now, with this whole situation, even if I'm okay say 80% of the time, the 20% has real bad effects on me.

I assume we're not having dinner which is fine me, she would've sent me a gchat or something, as I said, I'd like to collect my thoughts....also, if this was to lead to a "talk" of some kind, I really don't have the energy for it. When I do get home, I hope there's no txts, I don't feel like dealing with stress....

Oh, if this has anything to do with me passing my card to the hostess, she can REALLY go to Hell...

I am feeling better, but still an little uneasy and anxious. When things go wrong, I usually try to fix them right away - I hate being percieved as jerk, whether it is my fault or not. For all I know, she could be chaulking this up to just a bad night...

OH, and I'm sorrry, thank you! I am really going to try and go for it (the marathon), this course looks really flat!

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

vlivengood;1408008 wrote: LG, really goo news about your Mom! You and Ally both made comments about the site... did you read Eve's response to Stew. I thought it was well written.

Well hello everyone. I had a few beers last night with hubby... We ordered some prints of our photos from our amsterdam trip and were putting them in a photo album and just having a nice evening.

Just even a few beers stopped me from getting up for gym.... not hung over just decided to sleep more... O well I may go for a bike ride after work.

Stew, sorry to hear about your recent depression and the events surrounding it, I would not be surprised if a big part of the depression subconsciously stems from the not getting to run the marathon and maybe when you run the one this weekend a lot of it will lift.

However, I can't help but wish you would end that relationship, you sound like a wonderful man who deserves a wonderful woman ALL TO HIM SELF..... Sorry if it sounds rude but I thought by the end of October she was going to leave him. I don't doubt your love for each other but a relationship is about SOOOOOO much more just because you two are in love does not mean you have a good relationship. I really think you deserve much more.....

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR MARATHON

HI V,

I am not offended at all and other people have said this to me. Even people I meet for the first time. Yes, that did upset me, the now "extended time". I don't want to dwell on the particulars in too much detail, I feel its not fair to the others, but this trip to Ireland their going on came up ?!?!?! I kept my mouth shut, but was REALLY upset (another time, I didn't do anything about it, I just dwelled). I even said to her and I should be going (and I added something dirty to do on the irish hillsides, which I will refrain from repeating) and she got all giggly and said she'd love that ?!?! Point, I eventually came out and asked her about it, because I know she's in therapy, what her therapist thought about it, she claims it was her idea...Hmmm. I then asked if her therapist REALLY knew what was going on, which she said she did because they meet one on one...I felt a little more at ease, because the Dr. is making them do this for a reason, although my therapist told me this is unorthodox for a counsler to keep informaiton from a couple in therapy, which if is true, what do these two think they're doing?...anyway....

Good news, bad news as it relates to drinking. Good news, I know why this happened, I know why I dropped my rules, I remember ordering another glass of wine to spite her, but who I am really hurting...myself. The bad news, with us, actually, it only happens, when we are this place with her friends around (actually their really acquaitances), I start getting resentful and sad sitting there as "oh some friend." I also then tend to be the odd man out because of social and world views, and I don't like to upset anyone about stupid crap like politics, but I don't mind talking about it, however, she starts chastising and yelling at me and tells me to shut up, that I can't speak here. The problem, I usually try and avoid these situations, by well, not putting myself in them, so my mind "forgets" this can happen and I get bamboozled some times.

I don't like feeling bad, or depressed and I don't like bringing people down. I actually finally ordered the my way out book, the pdf. I was fine modding for a long time, but now, with this whole situation, even if I'm okay say 80% of the time, the 20% has real bad effects on me.

I assume we're not having dinner which is fine me, she would've sent me a gchat or something, as I said, I'd like to collect my thoughts....also, if this was to lead to a "talk" of some kind, I really don't have the energy for it. When I do get home, I hope there's no txts, I don't feel like dealing with stress....

Oh, if this has anything to do with me passing my card to the hostess, she can REALLY go to Hell...

I am feeling better, but still an little uneasy and anxious. When things go wrong, I usually try to fix them right away - I hate being percieved as jerk, whether it is my fault or not. For all I know, she could be chaulking this up to just a bad night...

OH, and I'm sorrry, thank you! I am really going to try and go for it (the marathon), this course looks really flat!

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

Ok, I thought some of you might want a follow-up to this, V, you're probably not going to like it. :-)

So, ignoring her whether intentionally or not (dead phone left at home) worked well. I had several texts last night..."are you ok, you ok?" Yes, the first one was "perhaps we're too combustile to be seeing each other....." followed by...."I just got your vm, so, so sweet." Okay, it's great I got a silver tongue I guess, but I have no recolleciton of this which is scary and I'm not proud of, of course I went a long with it. When I get depressed, and if alcohol is involved, which is rare, but does happens, I get really, really melancholic and perhaps uber sensitive...definitely not angry at all...almost over sentimental, I remember sending my sister a very heart felt txt that night, which she responded to, positively of course...So, it makes sense I would call and leave a heartfelt message in this state, if its something negative, it's negative about myself, and not the other person...anyway...

I eventually txt her back, tell her I'm fine just busy. Oh, after the "Sweet message" she writes back, "I'm so confused." I will try and sum this up now. I tell her I need space. I also tell her that when we have to play this "charade" it is proven to be very detrimental to my health and I make unwise decisions pertaining to my health, both physical and mental, and I can't have it. She claimed to understand and agreed. She told me to take all the time I needed. I responded with, I don't need that much time.

I then had one request. Well, first, I told her we only ever get in fiights where the catalyst is one thing and that's it....the situation, and particularily, playing this "charade". I told her I wanted her to really think about how we are when it is just the two of us and/or when we can act like how we are, bf/gf in front of people (which are my friends), how does it feel? Etc. She responded that it is wonderful, she feels great....loved....warm....etc. Then a whole lot of sappy stuff came out about how how she feels when I hold her, etc., which I will spare you all from....

So, the important thing....my health.... I need to stay away from these situations when I can't be myself in front of her and/or be very careful...and yes, ultimately, this shit has to stop at some point, it can't go on forever.

So, that is my update, thank you for letting me share. Now, back to work and get ready for a marathon.

[Alcoholic]

November Mod Squad

Stewart: you sound even better! Hope you have a good weekend!

Same to everyone else!

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

Alcoholic;1408443 wrote: Stewart: you sound even better! Hope you have a good weekend!

Same to everyone else!

Thanks alcoholic, you too! Oh, she liked the build-a-bear.

And eveyone have a great weekend! I am heading to Harrisburg tomorrow, and I'm sure I'll have a lot of downtime, Saturday night, getting ready for the race.

Best,


j.