November Mod Squad

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

Oh, I did drink after it, which I so do not feel bad about...

[ToMyHealth]

November Mod Squad

Hallelujah! AF tonight. It feels so good. Nearly 8p, ready to either watch The Voice or a Netlix movie, in pjs. Neither one of us mentioned having a drink; it was like it was taken off the table, just not an option.

Congrats, Stewarts! 2nd best marathon is awesome!
RC, enjoyed reading the links you sent. May be adding to your "I didn't drink yesterday".
Lasha, oh feel for you. Tough situation. Is this guy now staying with you? Scary, huh?
Hi. NNG, Em, Crocus. Hope you all had a good day!

TMH

[Lasha]

November Mod Squad

Hi All,

TMH, No he is certainly not staying with me, too much of a temptation for me to have a drinker at home, he stays with some alcoholic idiot he's just teamed up with.

I've been thinking and I reckon the reason he came over was to get some money from me, he certainly has no intention to cut down or stop and when I said I'd help he didn't want to know.

Hope I'm wrong but a lot of people have given up on him even his brother for some reason. I think he's asking friends for money OMG he used to lend to others.

Almost finished my decorating if he wants help he knows where I am, you cant help someone who wont listen, but not money for drink no way. Am I getting harder?

[crocus]

November Mod Squad

Hi Everyone,

Great Marathon, Stewarts.

Wow. I am impressed. My all-jock-all-the-time kids say that the best beer is one at the end of a marathon, and they are all super athletes, and super together people. So...you're entitled, in my book!

Friends, I really need some calm input, and I just discovered something about my drinking. I THINK I may be right.

Backstory:

Married 39 years ago intending to be Betty Crocker.
Beloved husband turned out to be clueless about $. His many jobs - all 2yrs. or less.
3 kids 1 foreclosure and 1 bankrupcy later I had to take over or die (hated it! felt incompetent, unprepared, cheated, etc. etc., borrowed from my parents, dug us out of the hole.)
Back to school...graduate degrees, new job; I work a lot; he works at home; very laid back.

Now,

Everything I do, think, say, watch on TV, ask for etc.,...I carefully frame around his comfort first because I love him, and he is a good man.

Now, the drinking part....

He is very taciturn, I am very outgoing. When I feel jilted, which is often, I pour a glass, and keep to my own. I ALWAYS change the channel, turn it down, turn it off, go to bed, WHATEVER... if that's what he wants.

THEN, after he goes to bed...I get up and go do what I want which is usually a movie or listening to fabulous music...and then....I drink.

HELP? I just really put this all together as cause and effect. He just went to bed (7:30 p.m.) and now I want to drink and do something fun or watch something fun on TV.

I will expect a bill for any advice you can offer me.

[RingingCedars]

November Mod Squad

Hi Crocus, since I'm on line I'll respond. You're a good woman. I hope your hubby appreciates you. Does he know he drives you to drink?? JK!
Seriously it seems kind of simple to me really. Find something else to do when he goes to bed if you think you shouldn't drink. And if that is really really hard you need to go out to do something. Would that be a problem??

[crocus]

November Mod Squad

Hi Ringing!

Thank you! Such a fast reply!
I don't know if he really thinks he drives me to drink, but he often comments that he does.

I am 64 years old, and I am tired at the end of the work day. I have, in the past just gone out when this happens, but not to much gain. Once, I did drive to a local inn and watched a jazz show, but most times, I'm just snuggled in my PJs. I have many hobbies, but in the evenings and late evenings, i really just want someone to share something with. A movie, or a TV show or some music, or a book. He loves only political talk radio and political talking head news shows in the evening. He does not enjoy conversation, and falls asleep in his chair during the news shows. I know that just sounds like..."here's why I'm stuck with what I now have, and nothing can change it.", but in some part, that is how I feel.

[RingingCedars]

November Mod Squad

Crocus you know and I know and everyone on this site knows or will learn you can't blame someone else for your drinking. I understand there are reasons but when it comes to action it's all on us. Are you a daily drinker and how much? Really you need to examine the answer yourself to make some choices that suit you. You might find by cutting back a bit more you're not so tired to enjoy other activities?

[ToMyHealth]

November Mod Squad

Oh Crocus my heart hurts for you. You feel cheated, don't you? As RC says, we can't blame someone else for our drinking. But I get it. In fact, had an experience on Halloween where I felt just like that. No details needed, but felt hurt & angry & said (in my head) to heck with taking non alcohol beer to party that night, I'm packing my wine. And I did. Ashamed now that I put it in writing as I see it for the excuse that it was. Still, I get it. You live with a selfish man, albeit a good man as you say. Playing Dr. Phil here, but did you teach him how to treat you? Is counseling a possibility?

Last night was our first community Social Hour of season. We do this every 2 weeks. It's BYOB. Dh asked, what are we taking? I had already decided to take Diet Tonic. His face kind of fell, and I said dear you can take whatever you like. He said beer & NA beer but when we went out the door, he was carrying only NA beer.

We watched Untamed Heart. Fun, because filmed in Mpls @ Christmas time complete with snow. If we ever feel homesick, we can rent it again.

Well, 1st 2 days in a row AF for what seems a long time. Am extremely pleased that sleep hasn't been a major issue. Happy Hump Day!

TMH

[Emmy Lou]

November Mod Squad

Hello all,
Congratulations Stewarts on your marathon! I'm in awe, I could never do anything like that!
RC don't give your previous post another thought! I took it exactly the way you intended, no apology necessary. You're being helpful and I'm sure everyone is very happy for your input here.
NNG I didn't mention your comments about visiting each other in my last post and it's been a couple of days since now but it looks like you've caught the travel bug! I'm sure you'd love it visiting me in my town, not many of my international friends make it down under because we're so very far away! I've often thought that I'd like to visit the US too, I tend to spend my holidays in Europe because my boyfriends kids live there with their Mum. If only money wasn't an issue. I'd spend all of my days travelling the world!
Lasha, gee you're in a tough spot with your friend. It's so hard isn't it? Most if my friends abuse the grog, some of them as much as yours. But you have been so strong and I think you're right. I've decided that I will just have to live by example. A few mates have noticed my moderation and my hope is that they may give it a try. I've told them how I'm doing it but I'm trying not to preach. Just making it sound as positive as it is really. I did make my feelings clear recently though when a friend at a bar asked me how we thought we should get another drunk friend to stop drinking and go home. I just said I was sick of playing nursemaid because the girl in question was always getting falling down drunk and we were always having to take care of her. It does feel harsh but as you said, they have to want to help themselves.
For me last night I stupidly picked up the full strength beer instead of low Alc by mistake. I felt 'the warm glow' after just one and had another look at the bottle. Blimey! How silly? So I just had to drink less and stop earlier, oh well, my boyfriend got to keep them in his fridge for himself. I'll be extra careful reading the labels next time.
Bedtime now, lots of work to do tomorrow.
Enjoy your week all of you,
X
Em

[crocus]

November Mod Squad

Hi TMH! Thank you for your kind thoughts. I had to chuckle at your post because OF COURSE I taught him to treat me this way! That's part of my feeling so utterly stupid much of the time! Yes, I have a good education, and teach at the college level, but stupid is as stupid does. D. is trying hard not to be so self-centered, but let's face it, I was brought up a certain way, and really did think I could be June Cleaver and vacuume in high heels and pearls while letting Ward Cleaver take care of me forever. I did this to myself.

On the upside, I have cut my drinking in half over the past two years, and hubby and I do share a common set of values and love History, Literature and politics. We talk books a lot.
We've had years of counseling, and I still go by myself. I really have to count my blessings and focus more on how grateful I am for the amazing family I have. I just don't want to starting spending most days in a morass of guilt, as I often do, even when I haven't had a drink. I had 2 AF days this week and 2 days with three each. Today should be an AF for me.

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

Crocus,

I might be missing something, but it sounds like you have it together. It appears to me it's not a little open communication with your husband can't solve. I was married once before, and of all the things that anyone could blame, the real factor of why our marriage dissolved, was lack of communication...yeah, there were some bad times, but we never spoke about anything anymore. We kind of just became too people living in the same space.

Your last post shows your common interests, focus on that, frankly, I think you'll be just fine. :-)

[nancy]

November Mod Squad

boredom

Crocus it sounds like at night you are bored and irritated with your husband, maybe feel empty. I really think overcoming drinking problems involves getting comfortable with those uncomfortable feelings. You don't have to self-medicate. And really it makes the daytime so much better. Living life consciously is a blessing even when you are in pain, brings pride and a feeling of adequacy/strength. When we self-medicate, we don't move on in life and really solve problems, because the drug dampens the irritation. I'm glad to hear you do have some common interests with your husband. It's just those night-time periods that are rough.

[ToMyHealth]

November Mod Squad

Crocus, so see you are doing better than you think! AF days and cutting your drinking in half is great progress!

Well, another AF day here. 3 in a row. As the Comcast comm'l says "you've got to be fasting kidding me"! I don't know. It's just happening. Or shall I say throwing the intent out to the Universe is what's making it happen. Feels right. Off to draw a bath & read & maybe catch up on an episode of Homeland.

Hope everyone is having a great night.

TMH

[Lasha]

November Mod Squad

Hi All,

Went out for 2 Ciders last night with my dog and really enjoyed them and yes everyone has given up on my mate calling him selfish and worse it appears his wife left money to there 2 kids in her will and my mate has spent the money on drink. He's not the man he was that's not him it's the drink.

I was chatting to a friend at the bar and a guy joined in who was a London cabby for 16years so I said have you got the knowledge? He answered yes and went on about how London cabby's are so intelligent, my friend asked me if my dog was short haired and I said no I get him cut every 3 months and this guy said really you cut his tail every 3 months. He couldn't have timed that better if he tried I almost cried with laughter as did my friend. I said no the whole litter had there tails cut off for hunting so I had no choice as I would have preferred a tailed cocker spaniel.

Walked past the "doss house" I call it on the way home where all the alkies drink and a guy who was coming out said my mates in there, I just shook my head and went home.

So good to go out for 2 drinks and come home and laugh at the intelligent London cabby the next day instead of not remembering it.

Keep on modding
Lash

[nonamegirl]

November Mod Squad

I'm back.

Hi, everyone.
I am sorry that I kind of disappeared without warning. I intended to post to say I would be traveling for two days, but didn't get that far. And WOW! Did I ever miss a lot of stuff!

Whew! Where to start? First of all, RingingCedars, I do appreciate your comments. It is good to have someone here who is willing to set us straight. Nancy, your comments, too, are good. We need to get our own heads in the right place, and then FOLLOW THROUGH.

Lasha, I really feel for you with your mate. You have made the right decisions to not enable him, and to take care of your own self. I think I have posted that we had a friend who chose to drink himself to death. It can be a very bloody, messy and painful death... and I hope your friend escapes that. Ours didn't.

My dear Crocus, I am so sorry that I wasn't here when you were needing some help. You certainly did get some good advice, here, though, didn't you? The one thing that it seems no one is saying is that you can't take all this as your own fault. Your husband needs to understand that he has a great lady for a wife, and that he needs to give a bit, too. It sounds as if you have given and given... he needs to give a bit, as well. Some of the things you have mentioned would be easy for him to work on - say, for instance, not having the radios on ALL day - and some would be a bit harder... but if he loves you, he needs to TALK to you, gosh darn it! Sorry. I hope that isn't uncalled for.

Emmy, I am sending you strong thoughts for flying fingers. All those tailored jackets to do! My heavens! I daydream about coming to visit... but I am not all that much of a traveler. Australia is so far away. Woof.

TMH, thanks for your PM. I am still here, and all is well. And to all of you, yes, I am getting on the bandwagon of making November a much better, lighter, less-alcohol month. Today is an AF day for me!

So glad to be back. I love you all.:h