November Mod Squad

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

I ran a four mile race in the cold this morning. I had a binge drinking night on Friday that came out of no where. I am ok now. I had a nice Saturday. But my depression is creeping in real bad and won't go away.

I think it's because I have no one around here anymore.

I'm going to watch my little cousin play hockey later...that'll be cool.

But something is not right, I can tell.

[crocus]

November Mod Squad

Hi Stewarts,
I know about "out of nowhere," but today is a new day, and today is where we are. I have had bouts with depression over my life too. I take a mild anti anxiety / anti depressant pill (citalopram) that I started when my hubs became ill years ago, and have elected to stayed on it. It does seem to keep me on a bit more even keel. I still have my "days," but not as frequently and not as bad as they once were. I'll be thinking of you this week, and sending you my best thoughts.

[Lasha]

November Mod Squad

Hi All.

Went down to the Crossroads.

Had to you tube it Crocs, bloody great. Got a flash back to my second band, a cover band, great fun doing all of the Clapton hits. Where did the time go?

Got to own up, went for it a bit last night and today am not depressed in the slightest. I thought drinking makes you depressed the next day but no. It's a strange disease, when I was depressed big style after going through so many bereavements, my wife's illness, new boss at work was an ...hole the doctor told me it is the same as a dog with nowhere to go, he just wraps up like a ball and hides in the corner.

Never want to go there again.

Back to modding don't want to push it too much.
Mellow Lash

[crocus]

November Mod Squad

Hey Lasha,
WOW! Thank you! How do I find your youtube?
You really cheered me up! I have seen him play Crossroads with Derek Trucks, and Robert Cray and Doyle Brammel, Chris Stainton and Willie Weeks, all playing it together at the Boston Garden...FRONT row! Courtesy of my fantastic kids. Wow!

I just got the new Crossroads DVD in blue ray, and that is what I was up watching on Saturday night. I was feeling OK about it until I got the sarcasm, but I love the man, and it did knock me out when he said it. My hubs used to tolerate this music thing in me, but less and less.
I tend to HAVE to dance when I watch live music, and I think he just sees it as drunken, out of control behavior he'd rather not know about. Hence....I'm the Midnight Rambler.

I didn't realize that you are also one who has lost a spouse. My heart and prayers go out to every one of you. ANd thanks for being there.

[nonamegirl]

November Mod Squad

Happy Monday, All!
Lasha, glad you check in once in awhile. I would so much love to hear you play someday.

Stewarts, good work on your run. Get those endorphins moving again.... depression is hard to buck, I know. Been there, too, as you know. I am sending you strong thoughts that your week goes well and that going to your holiday umm... at your cousin I think? goes beautifully. Rest. It is okay to curl up and give the heart and soul a chance to heal.

Crocus, you are so strong. I am glad your husband is promising to start being more available for you. His comment was below the belt and I hope he realizes that. You are a treasure... he needs to value you!

TMH, yes, we did have our date night on Friday. Put on some Frank Sinatra (I know, even though we aren't THAT old, we still love the old music, old cars, old style) and had a couple drinks together. My guy has to go in for a biopsy this week, and I am really worried about it. The doc isn't being very hopeful. SO, Friday was a sweet interlude before the holiday work and the doctor.

Good luck, everyone. Hope everyone in the states has a great Thanksgiving. One of the things I am most thankful for? Being able to come here and talk to all of you. :l

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

Lasha, that is a big misconception about AL and depression, even with anti-depression or SSRIs....it can, but it doesn't necessarily HAVE to. It actually does for me now, lately, but when I was younger it didn't. Now, I'm not trying to promote use of AL when you're taking any sort of SSRI or dopamine inhibitor, but they effect different areas of your brain and/or body, I don't recall which...I believe AL effects your Central Nervous System and SSRI's, etc., are more balancing out your brain chemistry...which may even help, ironically...now...everyone is different... I remember my sister told me she used to take Celexa, and if she drank a beer, one beer, it was like she was on ecstasy.

Some pills, lile Welbutrin, which I do take some of will tell you NOT to drink on them because they can induce seizures....ok, if not prone to seizures, guess what, this doesn't happen. All other pills if you read the label will same something like, "MAY induce drowsiness with AL...or May intensive the affects of AL" etc.

Now, if you take Xanax and your drinking, that's a completely different ball game. Xanax and AL DO affect the same areas, which is believe is the CNS and you can severely F#$% yourself up!

Not sure why I am depressed...it could be seasonal. This time last year I had a rough time with the ex (gf, no wife), I even found myself texting the ex gf last night because I was so bored and lonely. My ex wife has told she had a bf now...that really doesn't bother me as much as you might think...and I have some things about my profession I'm thinking about...maybe it goes with this time of the year...maybe I need to go back to school...LOL don't laugh I've been thinking about it.

Oh, I did start taking my low does of Prozac and Welbutrin again...it takes a little while to kick in...and I was giving some Xanax, which I haven't taken in a real long time..but I was edgy this week.

it's too soon to tell if this will still work or not.

[Emmy Lou]

November Mod Squad

Hello all, I feel like I want to be of more use to you all, everyone is doing it tough in one way or another. I have had experience with depression, and was taking Zoloft for a while. On looking back I can probably trace the depression to a very unhappy and frightened childhood. The Doctor likened it to having set my stress levels very high, so that I would be closer to the limit than most people but because it was normal for me, I wouldn't notice it until 'something' pushed it that little bit too far. It always felt like it came out of nowhere. A counsellor told me that we usually bottle up our problems and that we should be looking at them when we are in a good mood, but most of us don't want to do that. So we tend to try to tackle them when they erupt, which is when we're least able to cope. Over the years I have tried to train myself to notice the signs (not being able to get out of bed, or making self destructive decisions are key for me) & then sometimes I have to remember that it's a chemical imbalance and not my world going totally wrong around me. Also I tell myself that I've been there before, and come out the other side. If it's been done before it can be done again.
Anyway, I did have a good weekend and I did drink as planned. The most annoying thing is the hangover I had for most of Sunday after having only 4 drinks Saturday night. It seems that my body just doesn't want to keep up anymore! I'm AF tonight, and have enjoyed a good day at the new theatre job.
They start really early though so it's off to bed for me.
I really hope that I've been able to say something helpful,
Goodnight all,
X
Em

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

EL, your counselor is right...it's noticing the signs before hand which is a big key. I was noticing it for quite some time, this past time, but I really wasn't doing anything about it, but wallowing. I think medication is starting to take effect and/or I'm just thinking differently...or it truly is seasonal.

Looking back, I noticed I really had it my whole life, I just dealt with it and different ways and really didn't understand what was going on.

As a child even, I'd go say weeks, feeling bad, maybe even a month, or months even in some cases, then I'd wake up one day and feel fine and all was well. As I got older and became an adult, I do races, play hockey, all the things I do now that would make me feel good. However, sometimes, it is not enough, unfortunately.

AL really has nothing to do with it in most cases....when I say that, meaning the route cause, what AL will most contribute to is assisting in making you finally snap, or bring everything to this surface rather quickly eliminating all inhibitions and masks, but it's not the cause per say. And if you don't figure out the cause, then while not drinking is probably a good idea, it's not going to be the thing that makes you happy again...you'll just be able to deal with your own misery in an adult fashion....it will keep you from doing or saying something stupid, but it won't be the solution to the root cause of your problems.....anyway....

j.

[ToMyHealth]

November Mod Squad

Today was a good day. I exercised, I ate well, and when it was our normal cocktail time I passed. Had a glass of almond milk with dinner, and I'm hoping to get a good night's sleep.

TMH

[Emmy Lou]

November Mod Squad

Absolutely spot on Stewarts.
Another thing I'm noticing now that I've pin pointed the initial cause of depression for me, is the necessity to fix what I can and let go of what I can't. It's also a matter of recognising that even though I wasn't in control of things that happened as a child, I am the ONLY person responsible for my life now...scarey and empowering at the same time.
Night all lovely people,
X Em

[nonamegirl]

November Mod Squad

Good morning, everyone.
Emmy and Stewarts, I have read your discussion of depression with interest. I think I've mentioned that I have struggled with it, too. The weird thing with me is that with the one exception of losing my first husband so early, my life has been truly blessed - with no outward reason for my bouts of depression. And this lends credence to what my doc tells me... that it is truly a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes depression. At this current stretch of months, I am not (thank God) dealing with it, but oh Stewarts, I can so much empathize with the deep darkness, the not wanting to move-ness, the why bother-ness. And yes, I have even been close to wanting to end it all. Not now, but I remember the terror of it. And with depression, one never really knows when it will come back, does one? Like a specter, just waiting outside your vision to pounce and grab you up. Jiminy.... I really didn't mean to get so morose. The last time I went to my doc about this was in this year. I was doing everything right - exercising well, eating well, not drinking, life was seemingly good. But the darkness and sadness were crippling. And, I did NOT want to go back on drugs for it. Luckily for me, I was able to work my way out... I think I may have even mentioned here that acupuncture was the main help for me this time. I strongly recommend it. See if you can find a practitioner who specializes in using acupuncture for depression.

All is well here. Holiday meal started. My husband's biopsy scheduled for this afternoon, and we will just be thankful that it is over. Life is good.

I send you all big hugs.:l:l

[Stewarts]

November Mod Squad

I am definitely feeling better. I think the drugs have kicked in. I played a hockey game last night, I played well, for my game, but we lost...had few beers after.

I'm definitely not feeling the morose and the negativity as much.

NNG, I totally get the not wanting to be on drugs thing...actually, I should rephrase that, being on medication, but as my therapist pointed out, if you're sick, with like a virus or an infection, you may take drugs, medicine...it's like the same thing.

I stopped in the summer, so I had been off for quite some time, starting up again around the holiday, is probably a good thing, for me. My last holiday season was awful, when the things came to head with my ex-gf, as some of you may remember, her still in this triangle between me and her husband....then I was hooking up with this psycho chicks in NYC and wondering, "Is this the rest of my life?" Sad thing, I know a lot of guys that would LOVE that....I know some quite older than me that still do it.

Anyway, my ex-saga, well, it had another blow-up a few months ago, but that's all over. We're still in light contact, probably not a good idea. I even asked her to go to my 20 year HS reunion and pretend to be my gf, this Saturday...which obviously is not a good idea...and I apologized for even suggesting it... She responded that she'd go, we'd be friends...which I told her is not going to work for obvious reasons, then she said too bad it wasn't earlier in the week, I'd go I'd make a great date. I simply responded, "yes, but you're married and it's not appropriate." She then said, "I go on dates with my gay guy friends all the time...."

Now, this did not get me mad at all...I actually laughed, because it further more demonstrated to me how f'd up and delusional she is... my first response..."I'm not gay.".. the I simply said, "I don't understand you sometimes...you're were my gf and one of the loves of my life not your "gay" friend."

Anyway...like I said, I'm not feeling bad about it...I think she looks rather stupid...

Oh, I'm probably not going to the reunion...i'm already getting crap for it from friends, but I really don't want to go... my class was small, like 109, so these things tend to be kind of a big deal...but I'm not feeling it.

[Emmy Lou]

November Mod Squad

Just checking in.
Thankyou for your thoughts NNG on depression. I see that most of the people I converse with here have experienced depression. I gather that it's not a coincidence that we have all abused alcohol too. As Stewarts said, alcohol doesn't cause depression but it certainly doesn't help. And in my mind it's more of a symptom of depression. A sign that something is out of whack.
I am very happy to have this outlet to talk freely of such things in an anonymous way, but with friends.
I am AF again tonight but I think the weekend will be quite a big one (which is why I really wanted a few days AF to prepare myself) We have a very big music and community radio culture where I live in Melbourne and on Sunday there is an annual fundraiser for one of the radio stations. It's a big BBQ day in the environment park down the road from my flat. Local musicians (some famous, some not) get together the 'BBQ Orchestra' and perform songs with altered lyrics. They fire up quite a few BBQs and set up can bars for the day. I go traditionally without fail with a very dear friend who is totally passionate about life and music. It's our day. So I can't miss this. He's already told me so in any case! There's a gig at the local bar afterwards too. My strategy is light beers, slowly, all afternoon, start later than the others and stop early. Let's see how I go?
Take care everyone, ( even those just watching and not posting)
Goodnight ,
X
Em

[Emmy Lou]

November Mod Squad

PS Stewarts I'm so glad the drugs have kicked in, they certainly help to put things in perspective while you're sorting things out.
And yes NNG I know that the drugs are not necessarily the best thing in every case. It's a personal thing isn't it? I'm surprised to hear that you used acupuncture! I have acupuncture occasionally for other illnesses so why not this one...I never thought of that before, brilliant!

[nonamegirl]

November Mod Squad

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! All of you, those in the states and elsewhere, all of you are tops on my list of people for whom I am grateful today. I feel blessed to have each of you in my life.

TMH, do I recall that you are on your own today? Is your husband away? Hope you have friends to be with, at the very least.

To clarify, Emmy and Stewarts, I chose to not do prescriptions for my depression this time because in the past, though they did help dull the depression, the side effects were too much to deal with again. Acupuncture truly did help, but I am blessed to have a practitioner who is also a psychiatric nurse and a dear friend. What could be better, no?

Early morning. Dinner is half-way prepared, just have to do the turkey and the spuds and the green beans. Husband's biopsy went well but was painful. Now we just wait for the results. I have so many things to be grateful for this blessed day. Thank you all for being part of my life. :l:h:l

(My dear Crocus, here is a special hug to you! :l)