January Mod Squad

[I'm Strong and in Control]

January Mod Squad

Happy pre-Birthday NNG! I too am a Downton Abbey fan - hate what happened to Anna and the repeated tradgedies and drama surrounding the Bates.

Moderation is possible. It's not easy.

NNG - you won't want to hear this, but even moderate alcohol could be messing with your sleep patterns. It took me over 10 AF days before I had a good night's sleep. I never wanted to admit it before until I went through it, but I was addicted to even moderate amounts and was going thru withdrawal (just as with sugar and caffeine). Try going AF for a couple of weeks - maybe doing a healthy cleanse - and see if that helps with your sleep.

[nonamegirl]

January Mod Squad

Hi, all!
Good night's sleep last night, HURRAY! Thanks for all the supportive comments. Yes, Strong, I do know that you are right about moderate alcohol affecting sleep. And you are SO right about needing a solid cleanse. It is planned for February. I had decided to not put myself through it in January, for personal reasons, but now I am completely looking forward to it.

Hey, Emmy and Strong, fellow Downton fans, we have even more in common! Perfect!

I just read through the entire thread on the Newbies board that TrueGrit started about modding. TG, you, as I said before, are brave to put it up there. You won't find the support on an abbers board that you will here. For them, it is definitely "My way or the Highway" and I have had very rude comments - even when I was abbing - from some of them. I believe we are different people starting from different places on possibly even different roads. We may choose different meandering paths, and none of us knows what the other is thinking... but it doesn't give any of us the right to diss another.

Have a good week, my friends. I am so glad to be a part of you.

[DipGal]

January Mod Squad

Hi everyone,

NoName, that?s a shame about the sleep issue. I had sleep issues like those, but starting taking a melatonin sleep spray and magnesium.. it helps a lot ? most nights. We?re the same age! In case I forget ? happy early birthday!! Celebrate YOU! I don?t watch Downtown Abbey but I know lots of people who do. I hope it comes to Netflix! Thanks for the pep talk at the end of your 1/20 post.. I am reaching down in my soul.. I?m finding it?s time consuming, though! Oh, I?d be interested in hearing the type of cleanse you are planning on for Feb. Lord knows this bod could use one!

Hey DG, I have that little devil on my shoulder, too! We all do, and the little booger is always telling us what we can't do, or ways to sabotage ourselves! Little Stinker!

JM, regarding moderation? I only have limited experience at trying.. and my first attempt didn?t go as planned. I know the chips are stacked against us, unless we are determined and explore all the avenues. If I didn?t have a contingency plan (discussed below) I would probably end up being a failure, too. For someone who doesn?t do the work needed to dig deep inside and solve our core issues, AND doesn?t want to take meds, I can see that it would be easier to abstain.

Em, what?s a ?mixing desk??? What kind of projects are you into?

I drank from Thursday-Sunday after some stress triggers. I decided on Sunday to go ahead and order Naltrexone from River Pharmacy for DH and I. The Sinclair Method it will be! It?ll be another couple of weeks before it gets here. My addictive self is saying that I can go hog wild until it gets here. However, my main reasoning for controlling my AL consumption is my health. So, I?m telling myself that my health isn?t important until the meds get here? I can gain weight and add a bit more scar tissue to my liver while waiting for them??? UGH!

In order to get to the core of my problems (finally, after 57 years!!) I am reading some books and blogs as recommended by some good friends here. I finished The Cure for Alcoholism which outlines The Sinclair Method. And, I am almost half way through The Heart of Addiction. So much soul searching! I escape through food, alcohol and gambling. I want to relearn how to enjoy the simple things in life again! I want the endorphins to kick in during healthful activities. Exercise and activities in nature mostly.

I was AF Mon. and yesterday.. I am going to try to hold off on any AL until the weekend. And, then allow myself 4 units on Sat. and Sun. I was going to try to go AF until 2/1, but I just plain don?t want to! It will be a compromise with myself to stay AF during the week and have a treat on the weekend..

I hope everyone is doing well!

[DancingGirl]

January Mod Squad

DipGal;1616976 wrote: Hi everyone,

I was AF Mon. and yesterday.. I am going to try to hold off on any AL until the weekend. And, then allow myself 4 units on Sat. and Sun. I was going to try to go AF until 2/1, but I just plain don?t want to! It will be a compromise with myself to stay AF during the week and have a treat on the weekend..

I hope everyone is doing well!

One day at a time - so I'll join you for AF Wednesday!

[crocus]

January Mod Squad

Hello Everyone! I've been blue and out of the loop recently, so am reading back posts to get my self refocused on what we are all working on. I had four AF days over the last seven, but last night, I drove home in a snowstorm, and hubbs was settled in by the fire with his rum and coke, and in a very talkative mood. (Holy cow! He is almost never in a talkative mood.) I grabbed my opportunity and joined him with a rum, and we sat by the fire and talked until late. Fantastic! BUT....we drank too, and we both drank too much. And I did it again!...stayed up and had a "nightcap" - as if I needed one.
Thus I am struggling with guilt and disappointment. I've been kind of blue lately, so thank you all for your collective encouragement. I too have tried to stop the staying up late and drinking for no reason. I'm going to hit the restart button again today and make some better progress with modding.

Noname, Emmy and Strong, I too am a Downton fan! Love it! Hubbs does too. Bates and Anna? Oh my word! So awful! I would LOVE to know what that period was really like too.

NN - and other borderline insomniacs...my daughter gave me a strange looking body pillow for Christmas. It's called a snoogle and is made by Leach Co. It has helped me tremendously to fall asleep and sleep well.

Hope you all have a good one.

[Emmy Lou]

January Mod Squad

Hi All,
Happy Birthday NNG!!!
I agree about magnesium. It's very helpful to stop muscle cramps and restless legs! I also used to make a strong brew of herbal sleep tea half an hour before bed.
After reading Crocus post I've had a happy realisation! I used to sit up and drink more after my boyfriend went to bed. Saying I'll join you in a minute, I just need to wind down. Winding down would then take two more tv programs, several glasses of wine and at least a couple of hours...I don't seem to do that any more! I also don't have 'one more' at home after a night out! I'll still sit up for an hour and watch tv, but I don't drink any more AL... I don't know when these things occurred but I'm very glad they did!
And...a mixing desk is for a sound engineer, to record music with each microphone sending to a separate channel...so the levels can be adjusted separately. Very expensive tool... But it's his career, and his passion. I guess the kind of projects I do at home are to do with either sewing or home improvement...I'll have to find something that I can do at his place that also involves him...because although I love just talking after dinner (always amazing, he's the best cook I know) it also always involves wine.
Now, one more program and then it's bed for me...costumes were delivered for dress rehearsal today...so there will be 'notes' on any problems first thing in the morning. We open on Thurs!
Night all,
Take care, and sleep well tonight!
X
Em

[nonamegirl]

January Mod Squad

My dear Crocus! So good to have you back. I am glad you had a night of talk with your husband. Even if it didn't end quite the way you want, so good to have it. Next time, enjoy it fully and go to bed with him... ()

Emmy, such a busy life! I love hearing about your work, and just wish I could magically transport myself so I could SEE what you have created! Let us know how the costumes worked... perfectly, I bet. In my house, I am the cook, so I am jealous of your guy cooking, but luckily, my husband does the dishes.

DipGal, the cleansing diet I have always turned to in the winter is called "Fat Flush" by Anne Louise Gittelman. It truly works, but also is difficult (well, as it needs to be for me.) Another book I would recommend for you is "How to Control Your Drinking." It is really for folks like us who want to moderate. Very good.

I slept well last night, thankfully, even though it wasn't an AF Wednesday for me. My husband is having a recurrence of his nasty cold/bronchitis/whatever this thing is, and so we didn't have the lovely evening I had looked forward to - no lovely dinner etc. (Is that whining, or what? I sound terrible. I apologize.) In any case, I had my three glasses of wine, and went to bed early, and listened to him cough. Poor guy. I'll have to make it up to him today.

I hope everyone has a lovely Thursday. My heart goes out to everyone on the East Coast with the horrible snow and low temps. (Even you, I think, TMH, are dealing with low temps. Dang it!) no snow here, just leaden skies.

[crocus]

January Mod Squad

Hi Everyone.
Emmy, thanks for your post. I am so hopeful that next year at this time, I will be able to say the same thing. I just can't put my finger on the thing that keeps me up for yet another. I don'T" watch TV, I listen to music on my headphones, but WHATEVER, the result is still all wrong. I have started the book The Heart of Addiction to try to gain some insight into what's going on there. One thing I am completely sure of is that it is connected to several of my fears, and emotional insecurity. More than that I can't get to. Sigh! Have any of you read that book?

Eve - loved your "Which kind of modder?" I guess I fall between pretty good and not really pretty good. (I can't recall all the catagories, just now.)

I'm worried about Stewarts - Since I too have high-low issues, I hope he checks in soon for a some pal-time. It helps.

One beer last night, AF on Wednesday.

Emmy - Would like to hear how opening night went!

[Jazi's Mum]

January Mod Squad

Morning everyone. I hope all is well, or at least you are all heading in that direction :h

Yes, crocus, I'm reading Heart of Addiction too. Wonderful insights and really makes me understand that I am not a bad person.

It also is making me understand that I won't give up my drug of choice (alcohol) until I can get what I need elsewhere.

That's why I want to moderate now, instead of giving up my 'crutch' altogether. To continue with that metaphor, my leg is still broken so I need the crutch. Once my leg heals I can walk well on my own.
JMum

[DipGal]

January Mod Squad

JM - do you know WHERE you can get what you need? Or, are you still in the process of discovery? I have no idea where to get what I need - unless I can live out a true fantasy. i.e. perfect husband, perfect weather, perfectly healthy body, lots of fun activities and beautiful natural surroundings. Is there a pill for this? :H

[DancingGirl]

January Mod Squad

This is going to sound trite, but it's really not.

Look for beauty in the small things - a perfect snowflake on your glove; the way the green-blue ice chunks pile up at the side of the lake; the smile in the eyes of someone on the bus as s/he looks at a child; or more personally - your partner's profile; a beautiful dish that you hardly use; lighting an oil lamp at dinner instead of turning on a glaring light. The other thing is to focus on filling someone else's small need - holding a door open, giving a sincere complement, thanking someone - grab these and ruminate on them!

I know I sound like "snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes" but these sorts of things are usually what sustain me, or bring me back away from whatever I've been torturing myself with (colleagues, workload, when I don't look so good in the mirror etc etc).

I'm not tipsy either!

[Jazi's Mum]

January Mod Squad

DancingGirl your thoughts are very sweet and kind. I'm trying to do all the things you've noted too. And with baclofen my eyesight is so much keener now. This is one of the good SEs - I suddenly 'see' something for the first time and it looks brighter/sharper/better somehow..strange but true.

The difficulty with finding one's peace from externals like those on your list is that true peace has to be INSIDE to be lasting.

DipGal, where I will find my peace is in realizing that the reason my mother did not love me is NOT because I'm unlovable but because she was F__KED up! Not her fault - no parent is emotionally cruel to a child on purpose - it's all in the mind.

But I have a clear path ahead of me. What is happening now is that I will 'feel' a certain way...then I find the same feeling somewhere in my past...and I can see that the present feeling is brought on by that old happening in my past.

I can know it doesn't have anything to do with my husband, my old falling down house, my crummy town, my loneliness, my boredom, my lack of money - it's all in the fact that my poor old Mum was suffering from her own demons and she didn't love me. It's all about attachment as Gabor Mate says in one of his talks. I did not form a trusting, loving attachment to my parents. And my past trauma formed my brain in an unhealthy way when I was very young. So I've formed an attachment to alcohol.

This way I can react differently from how I did in the past. I will learn that leaning on the 'crutch' is not the way. I am loveable. I can know that intellectually but I must emotionally really KNOW it.

For me that's the answer. I hope I'm explaining that clearly - it's all such a personal journey.
JMum

[DancingGirl]

January Mod Squad

Jazi's Mum;1618000 wrote: DancingGirl your thoughts are very sweet and kind. I'm trying to do all the things you've noted too. And with baclofen my eyesight is so much keener now. This is one of the good SEs - I suddenly 'see' something for the first time and it looks brighter/sharper/better somehow..strange but true.

The difficulty with finding one's peace from externals like those on your list is that true peace has to be INSIDE to be lasting.

That's interesting about the baclofen side effect. I'm really sorry to hear your story about your mother. My father was fairly messed up - problems with his father favouring an older brother, his mother died, he was neglected - and certainly one point of healing for all of us sisters has been realising that. He was messed up, but that doesn't mean I have to be messed up. Easier said than done for sure, but worth internalizing nonetheless.

I guess my thought about inner peace and external fragments of beauty is the embracing that I am part of all of this. I am a tiny part of a world that has these wonders. I actually feel a sense of relaxation and happiness even writing this.

[Emmy Lou]

January Mod Squad

Ooh, there's a lot here that I can relate to.
My mother was physically but most often emotionally abusive... I was adopted, and I've worked out early on that I had trust issues through feeling abandoned. But there are other issues that thankfully I've worked through, to do with self esteem, due to my perception of abandonment.
This is difficult to discuss. I'll come back to it at another time for now. What I want to say, is that, those who feel unworthy, have no sane reason to feel that way. We are all worthy, and it will take time to undo the learned behaviour.
Sorry to leave it there but I'm not up to it for some reason or other tonight.
I'll let you know how the opening went after Thursday. And I'm closing off all other thought except those to do with the wonderful country music festival tomorrow where I'll meet up with friends and hopefully have an awesome time...it's a long weekend here...what most would call Australia Day, but a lot of us know that really, it's invasion day...sadly.
X
Em

[DipGal]

January Mod Squad

DG, yes.. I want to enjoy those things again.. the simple things. I am hoping having a clearer mind and healthier body and better outlook will help me do that. I remember what it was like.

EM, I was adopted too as an infant. I don't think I ever had a sense of abandonment. But my mother in particular had emotional issues and I am now realizing (for the first time in 57 years), that the bad energy coming from her, along with her verbal abuse are at my core problems.. Unworthiness, low self esteem and of course the addictions of AL and food. I am so thankful to my friends here for the knowledge I am gaining! I would have been fumbling around forever without it!

JM, it sounds like you are making great headway! I hope you don't mind if I hang onto your coat tails a bit!

((Hugs)) to all!