January Mod Squad

[crocus]

January Mod Squad

First, thanks to all of you!

We are all dealing with some stuff, I see.

Dip... I read a lot of C.S. Lewis, and recommend "A Year With C.S. Lewis" for a simple, day to day, and strengthening book for one's resolve to really look at and get happy about all the things you mention. I particularly LOVE saying loving complimentary things to ordinary strangers in my day to day. And I love the sky!

Jazi and Dancing, Same for you, you wonderful people, you!
Emmy, Country Music! I wish I could go with you! I love rock and all the rest, but a country festival...that's the best. Do you like Blake Sheldon? My son and new daughter in law danced to "Honey Bee" at their wedding.

Tonight - 4:30 on a Saturday, and my chest is exploding with fury. This week, I got some real insight into why I binge drink.. The crutch? Yup! You betcha! And 39 years married.
Today, I had a pretty young (35?)guy whistle at me in a bank line. I am not a cold, sexless, libido-free girl, as my hubbs consistently tells me....with words and otherwise.

I will have an OK Sat. night, and I'm not going to get drunk tonight. But I had something of an epiphany this week; I'm going to have to face a few realities about my 50% awful emotional relationship with my very dear husband. He can be pretty darn cold. And I was pretty darn young, sheltered and naive when I married him as a 26 year old virgin.

Sorry to get so personal.

Love you all!

[crocus]

January Mod Squad

Revisiting You Tonight.

Feeling increasingly angry. I am at a crossroads, I think.

Confession: While on vacation, I walked the beach alone many times. I met a 60ish gentleman
(a widow from Chicago) who thought I was beautiful. I will never see him again, but he talked to ME!
Tonight, as usual, I am focusing all my energies on making sure my beloved husband does NOT have to deal with me and the things I enjoy on a day to day basis.

I just heard the ding-ding-ding that means my husband has turned off the TV and gone to bed. Saturday night, dinner in the kitchen, 7:00. I know he is sad; he is not "himself" after hisi illness, but we were never physically close anyway. He has me totally convinced that I am the snow queen.

I am not going to listen to wonderful music and drink after he goes to bed, as I have a history of doing. But I AM going to stay up and listen to wonderful music. Love you all.

[Jazi's Mum]

January Mod Squad

crocus, what a shame you are at such a crossroads in your marriage. But I gotta tell ya, it must have been so nice to talk to that fellow at the beach :l:l And whistles too!! You Go Girl :H

You mentioned that your DH was sad and had been ill. Sounds like he's a bit lost, and lonely too. It is hard to be compassionate with others, when they hurt us :upset:

You are working on yourself and that's good. But you know as a woman, a wife, you are going to give much more than you get, no? That's almost always the way it goes. I can't advise you, other than to say just wait....:h

Thinking about you.
JMum

[crocus]

January Mod Squad

Oh Jazi - thanks.

You are right, of course. All us women know you are.
It is 1:30 a.m. here, and I am so enjoying sitting here by the fire without any AL. If you guys like music, do google "Clapton and Marsalis" and listen /watch "Just a Closer Walk With Thee." Wonderful...especially the second half!

It WAS so nice to receive such attention on my Caribbean vacation. But I would never...COULD never go away from my dear husband who certainly does inhabit a different world than I do. So be it. Thank you for your kindness.

I used to think I used AL to get away from myself, but I am beginning to see that maybe I use it to get closer to myself....."myself" plays such a small / insignificant role in my life!

'night all!

[Emmy Lou]

January Mod Squad

Hi Dipgal, yes, at the time we don't realise that we are low in self esteem. I think I've held the world at arms length for so many years because I didn't want to put myself at risk of being rejected again. Even when my adoptive father left my mother was so hurt that she inadvertently led us to believe that he'd left ALL of us... Not just her. She was hurting for us too, even though he was fighting in the courts to be allowed to see my sister & I. Mum basically told us that he couldn't possibly love us, to have left the way that he did. So I took it on board. I was only seven at the time...my gosh, the things that are implanted at such an early age can stay with us and mould our behaviour for such a long time afterwards! Alcohol wiped out not only the trauma of day to day life with mum, but also the feelings of loneliness and abandonment...once you learn that behaviour it's so hard to recognise, let alone stop it.
Things really come to the surface here, it's a very good thing, we've got so much to learn from each other and I'm very grateful for these discussions.
Bedtime for me now, take care,
X Em

[nonamegirl]

January Mod Squad

Oh, my goodness, my friends. I did not have "connectivity" with my computer the last couple days and I missed out on a very lot of chances to offer love and support. Please do not think it was because I didn't care... rather because my blinking computer didn't work!

First of all, because we are old friends, I wish to offer my hugs to my dear Crocus. Honey, though we have never met face to face, I KNOW you. I know your dear kind heart who plants crocuses for people long dead. I know your sweet gentle wishes to people you will never meet. I know your wild young exuberant heart that loves to dance wildly and joyfully. I know your tremendously loving heart which does its all for your children, and I know your faithful loving heart which wants so much to give back joy to a husband who has recently offered only sadness. Honey, I KNOW you. You deserve the very very best love and support. I wish there was a way you could see to allow yourself to experience that. I am glad you have been shown recently that you are attractive and desirable. It is a sadness that your husband isn't the one to show you. I throw my arms around you and cry with you. But, I also know you are a strong and wise woman. You have within you the wherewithall to continue on. You will attach this new world of the new year with a heart of willingness and an eye for the joy which each day can bring.

DipGal, I don't know you as well yet, but I have a sneaking suspicion that many of the things I just said to Crocus are true for you as well. Though what you have shared with us show us that you have a load of stuff to deal with, I know that because you are here you are wanting to take those first few steps towards "a clearer mind, a healthier body and a better outlook." We are here to help. Step by step we can do this thing! More on that later.

DancingGirl, you are offering some lovely and wise words here. Thank you for your insight and your wisdom.

Emmy, oh, I am so sorry that Australia Day gets invaded. But a four day weekend sounds lovely, and the music festival sounds like grand fun! I also wait to hear about your opening day. Someday I hope to actually SEE your work. Wouldn't that be fun? I have so much admiration for you to have come through what you have with such a loving heart and joyful demeanor.

And yes, Stewarts! Check in! Phone Home! We miss you!

Today is my birthday. I only say it because I love birthdays and love getting older, and want to share my joy with you all, my dear friends. And, though I did not drink last night, I have come to the conclusion that again, it is time to take a step away from the "holidays" (yes, because both my husband and I were born in January, we stretch the holidays out through this month) and get back to business. I am ready, finally, to do my cleansing diet, and get back to my fitness routine. I have been, for most of my life, a very plump and sometimes fat woman. Four years ago I lost all my excess weight and started walk/running marathons, half marathons and other smaller races. But now I find the pounds starting to creep back. My jeans are tight and I am not liking the look in the mirror. SO, anyone who wants to join me, I am ready to hit the trails and get on the stick again. DipGal, want a walking partner? My favorite fitness guru right now is Jeff Galloway. He has a great series of books on how REAL people, like you and me, can get ourselves out the door to walk. One book is specifically for women - um, can't remember the name right now, though. "Fitness for Women" maybe? I'll get back with the right title later. The book of his that I love the most is "Running Til Your 100." And it includes walking, too. My other favorite fitness guru is John "the Penguin" Bingham. His books took me to my first marathon. "No Need for Speed", "Marathoning for Mortals" GREAT STUFF. But the thing both these wonderful guys say is STEP BY STEP at your own pace. Taking a walk around the block is a good place to start. Today my walk will be around our park, only 1 1/4 mile. Tiny. Perhaps once I get started I'll go a bit further.

WHEW! I apologize for getting a bit hepped up there. Can you tell that I was talking to myself, trying to get myself motivated? It is true.

I send all of you hugs and love and gratefulness for being here. You are all so dear to me, and I appreciate being able to come here to people who know what I am going through, who will understand when I weaken and will cheer when I strengthen. Bless you!

[DancingGirl]

January Mod Squad

You're a real sweetie, NoNameGirl.

[crocus]

January Mod Squad

NoName - Yes indeed you are a sweetie! What a gift are your words to me this morning! Yes, you do know me pretty well.
Emmy - What a lot of pain to work through, and here you are helping me and the others in this amazing little place that we all share.
Dip and Dancing and Jazzi- I want to help you too! I am humbled by your stamina and your open hearts.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I felt hugely guilty this morning for staying up late, even though I didn't get drunk. I also felt so darn whiney for unloading so much on you guys this week. I was up pretty early today and went off to spend an hour or so at chapel, felt God's loving arms around all of us, then had an excellent workout at the gym.

Yesterday's gone, as Chad and Jeremy used to sing. (Wow! Anyone remember them?)
Today is a new day.
Freezing cold here today in the Boston area. I am so grateful for you all. Emmy - so true that it is a good thing that a lot of stuff is coming out here on our board, and while I can't speak for others, I know that being able to "come clean" here feels like bricks being unloaded off my back. I want to do all I can to support and cheer you.
Love you all. And Noname - I hope your birthday is the most wonderful you have ever had!

[Emmy Lou]

January Mod Squad

Happy Birthday NNG!!!
You are so wonderful, x
Also. Some of us call Australia Day 'Invasion Day' because the date of settlement by whites is also the date of the start of aboriginal genocide. The settlers didn't recognise the indigenous people as being human (they were categorised under flora and fauna even into the seventies, reducing their rights significantly). Not recognising previous owners of a land allowed the invasion to take place. Our indigenous people have do much more of a struggle in life than us whites and it's because we took their land away. Many Aborigines are demanding a treaty, and recognition of the invasion, which our government is too scared to give.
Sorry for the ramble, it's such a shame that so many Australians don't recognise the consequences of our history and choose to celebrate a date that causes so much pain for others
History lesson over now!
X
Em

[DipGal]

January Mod Squad

Oh Emmy, that sounds terrible ? to have been mislead about your dad by your mum. They were just so wrapped up in their own head trash.. they couldn?t see what they were doing to us young ?uns. I?ve never heard of Australia Day until today. I give you so much credit to empathize with others for the true meaning of the ?holiday?.

Crocus, I am in the same boat about DH.. I won?t leave.. I just need to figure out how to stay, detach, and be the best me I can be. Your comment ?I used to think I used AL to get away from myself, but I am beginning to see that maybe I use it to get closer to myself....."myself" plays such a small / insignificant role in my life!? is so thought provoking. I can?t get my head around it, but I know there is an important message there. I also love what you said about the chapel.. I am not religious, but am spiritual and can feel the ?warm arms all around me?! Can never have enough of that!! xoxoxoxo

NoName, what you said to Crocus is beautiful! And I thank you for your comments to me. Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! May this be your best year ever!! I?d be happy to be an exercise partner, but because of bad knees I have to stick mostly to water exercise.. with some other stuff thrown in to get stronger. I can certainly do *around the block* on a treadmill until the weather is better? along with water workouts and strength training. I?ll look up Jeff Galloway?s books. I am kind of drowning here with what I *should* do, but maybe if I had a concrete day-to-day plan, I could make it work!! I am up for the challenge!! I?d like to do 4 hours a week of SOMETHING, leading to more. Thanks for the motivation! RA RA SIS BOOM BAH!! LOL

Along with The Heart of Addiction, I am also reading a book called Ditching Diets. I?m only done with chapter #1, but the message is about our thoughts.. and how our decisions on what to eat (or drink?) is a choice. If we believe we can have whatever we want, whenever we want, suddenly it?s not so important to have it all now. I often over-drink because I am starting over tomorrow or Monday.. What if I just say that I can have this margarita tomorrow or the day after or next weekend? So what if I have some mix or tequila left in my fridge? It will certainly be fine on Thursday or beyond. Maybe part of my journey to tame all my indulgences is to take a step back and just say that I can do whatever I want if I really want it. Get used to not doing things out of habit.. just think to myself ?do I really want this??. If the answer is yes, then have it.. if the answer is no.. then figure out why exactly I THINK I want it.. What is really bothering me and am I substituting food or drink for what I really want.

Thanks to everyone for being here! Much love to you from me!!

[Stewarts]

January Mod Squad

Hi everyone checking in. I'll be honest, things are not good. I can't shake my low mood and it is making me drink. Good news, my drinking is only when I go out...I think I said this before. I had a long weekend. It was good to be out, but drinking, well, it makes me sick now.

And I feel mentally terrible the next day. I barely coping now. I think I definitely need to go on an abstinence kick. I'm very light headed and jittery today.

I need to get better.

[ToMyHealth]

January Mod Squad

Hi everyone - been mostly lurking, lots of soul searching going on for the Modders.

Stewarts - thanks for letting us know how you are doing, but am sorry you're feeling so low. I know the feeling of being in that tunnel. It's awful! Maybe your dr. could help you get over the hump with some meds? It's good you recognize that the drinking does not help. I need to cut way back too.

NNG - Happy, Happy Belated Birthday!!! Holidays are officially over. Can see why you extend if you both have January birthdays. How is the walking? Feels good, right?

Ok, need to go workout. Was going to use FC, but we are in mid 70's, the time outdoors will feel great! This week I have Wed night Pairings Party and, of course, Happy Hour drink prices, free food. 3 days golf tournament to be topped off with Dinner & Dance (dress up affair). And, hence, Feb starts. Need to do better.

It's Monday. New week, can't go back, but can certainly start today doing better!

TMH

P.S. I talk like I'm hung over, I am not one bit even though I had my fair share of chardonnay last night. It's just that sluggish, can't get going feeling. Well, maybe that is a symptom of being hung over.

[Stewarts]

January Mod Squad

Thanks TMH; yes, I have modded in the past and quite successfully, but now I notice I am definitely breaking my rules most of the time now, which I know something is wrong in my head.

I was at the outdoor Rangers/Devils game with one of the young guys in my office, they still party like 20 year olds, that was the problem.

I haven't felt this bad in a long time. I feel very uncomfortable, jittery in my lower back. I know it will pass. I may call it an early day on the office.

I think I need to start posting here more often...like I said, I know I'm depressed and now its starting to effect my life...when you feel like a loser, that's usually when things can get out of control.

I have a very busy work week (after today), so perhaps leaving early may not be such a bad idea.

I just hate locking myself in my apartment to save me from, well, myself.

I have gone on stint where I haven't drank in a long time, as I am sure most of you have, and it takes a little while, but things start to clear up, as you know.

I know we all say this, drink or mod, or abstain for good... I think I need to abstain for awhile, maybe even forever.. we shall see...

[crocus]

January Mod Squad

Hi Everyone.

So glad to hear from you Stewarts. I too am sorry you feel so crummy. I would defintely call the doc. and make an appt. to address the depression. Even if it doesn't include meds. (I take citalopram), you have to get some of this stuff out, and off your chest or it becomes like a pot that suddenly boils over. You have to keep posting even though I'm sure you must sometimes feel like "what's the point." Sounds like you do have some buddies to be out and about with, but I think guys don't typically want to confide in other guys about things like this. Maybe, however, there is someone you could kick this around with.

Emmy - Never knew about that part of Australia's history either. Kind of sad, huh. Have you ever seen the film "The Rabbit-proof Fence"? I recommend it.

Dip- I agree that noting that there will be plenty left for tomorrow is a useful thought to have. I don't mean to imply that I have an unhappy marriage; I don't. I have a happy, but difficult one. Have had counseling over the years, and I still go. Some things, I must and do accept. I married a truly good man who really does love me and our children. Those are important things. Having been "Betty Crocker" when I married, I became very unskilled at figuring out who I was apart from wife and mom.

TMH - Your social life sounds so wonderful, but I do see the dangers when trying to cut back on the sauce. I never over drink at social events. Always alone and late at night. (Holy cow, that sounds awful! Well it IS awful! But thanks to all of you, I'm working on it!

Let's talk about Noname behind her back. - She is totally wonderful, isn't she. I have a picture of her in my mind and she is beyond adorable in every way. And wise too. What a combo. Lucky husband, there.

Stressful weekend here, but this is day two of NA for me. And I want to do more of them.
My daughter (an ICU nurse, and newlywed) was here Sunday and lit into her Dad about the way he spoke to me ( and the way he talks to me much of the time). She pulled no punches, dissolved into tears and told him he had better..." never ever talk to my mother like that again;" that he had no right. It was a rough evening for all of us, but things are calmer now. I don't want her to have to feel like she has to defend me. She and I talked until late, and I got her calmed down. She spent the night. I saw so clearly that my binge drinking is closely related to Hubbs's behavior; it seems to be the drug I use to look the other way and feel better. I am freshly resolved to address my AL use. I have spoken with Hubbs about making some changes in things, and I am going do the best I can to turn this ship around.

Love you all!

[DipGal]

January Mod Squad

Stewarts ? This winter is enough to make any of us majorly depressed! As much as I think January is the time to get my cr@p together, who am I kidding?? It?s the most depressing month of the year. My motto this year is ?kill me now!?. I hope you either can abstain and feel better, or moderate and get it under control.

TMH ? yes.. a new week! Let?s still enjoy ourselves because that is what life is about.. but control and moderate. Still enjoying what life has to offer!

Crocus.. we are so much more than our roles in our family. Good for you in figuring out what yours is at this stage of the game. It?s much more than wife and mother! To be fulfilled and complete we need to be our authentic self. We will then have less need to escape through AL. It sounds like your daughter did you a wonderful service because she LOVES you!! Something that you should try doing for yourself ? because you are so worth it!

As for me, I just received my order of Naltrexone from River Pharmacy.. It?s almost 2 weeks earlier than expected?. Gulp.. tomorrow is day #1 on it. I started a thread in the meds section.. I hope you?ll follow along and offer your advice or thoughts.

((hugs)) and love to all!!