March Mod Squad

[nonamegirl]

Hey, All.
So. Hmmm. Yes, I am back. I took a long break from the boards, and have decided to check back in. I did read all two of the February posts (more on those later) and the January posts. Re: January posts - HappyLife, I do believe that moderating is possible, but as Guapo said, it takes hard work and true devotion. As Lasha said, it is a lifestyle that you can't be lax about. Some people can do it, and honestly, most of us maybe can't. If you read this and feel like it, check back in and let us know how you are doing and what you've decided! (And remember, we won't read the abstainers boards, so if you've posted it all there, it's lost to us here.) Eve, HI! HI! HI! I do hope you will check back in, too. I miss you. Miss all of this family, to be perfectly honest, and that is why I am back.

In regards to the February posts, ah, damn it Stewarts. I am sorry I wasn't here to help you with your 40th birthday. I hated turning 40. It was ugly. It felt so OLD. I have to tell you that on the other hand, turning 50 was such a lovely all-encompassing JOY. Truly it was. 50 was so much younger than 40. So, don't let it get you too down, my friend. Better times are coming. And now, this time next year, I will be (well, God willing and the creek don't rise, as we say here in Montana) 60. I believe that there is a time when getting older just feels like such a lovely lark.

Since I have been gone from here I have had long periods of good solid moderation. And at least one time of not moderating nor trying to. I much prefer the first, and hope to never have another instance of the second. But, I miss all of you, my friends, and feel badly that I have been away and ignored you. I do realize that I may have lost all of you, and that our little family may be flung to the winds, but if you check back in, please post. I promise I will be checking it, too. Stay strong. And Stewarts, really - life after 40 is beautiful.

[Stewarts]

Great post NNG... my mood has been all over the place and has effecting the drinking somewhat...I had a few times when I was saying to myself, "Why did I do that?" Not that I did anything, it was the feeling like crap the next day. It does look like it is getting better though.

Unfortunately, I am not seeing the life is beautiful at 40...thing. The girl I was dating didn't last too long, because of my doing, meaning I wanted to end it. She was sweet, but something about her started reminding me of my ex-wife when things got bad. We weren't even dating that long, and she was starting with "Why don't you want to touch me..? have sex with me?" It was like de ja vu...I couldn't handle it, and we weren't even bf/gf yet. I then got depressed again, and told her I didn't see any value in life, and that kind of ended things. OH, she thought I knocked her up, but that was a false alarm, and probably for the better..honestly, I think she was just looking for attention.....or maybe she did have a legit scare, we were exactly being..."safe" for lack of a better word. My weight has been off, and I can't tell if this is a forty thing with my metabolism changing, if so, well, that really SUCKS!

I had a few glasses of wine last night...it actually helped me sleep real good last night...so I am geeling refreshed, but in an overall low mood which has nothing to do with AL

[nonamegirl]

Hello, everyone! Hi, there Stewarts. And believe me, I understand your feelings about life isn't all that beautiful at 40 ... yep. But just keep reminding yourself that it will get better - promise you it will. I'm glad for you that the results of the "false alarm" turned out the way they did. Gotta say that with the weather you have been having this winter, I suppose you haven't been out running much. (Though, I'm probably wrong with that. I know you are MUCH better at that than am I.)

I don't have any profound thoughts today, but wanted to check in to see what's up. Does anyone remember the link that - hmmm, I think it was Guapo said was a really good one for spouses to see about what it is like to be us? Thanks.

[Stewarts]

My moods have been getting worse, meaning they are all over the place. I think one of the big things is, due to my lawyer, I have to resubmit all my divorce papers. Oh, it's been three years, an uncontested divorce, and MY lawyer dicked around with this so long, me and my ex, who I guess is still technically my wife, need to resubmit everything which is a pain, with getting things notarized etc. I am pretty sure I am suing my lawyer, if I don't crush his skull if I ever see him...first...

I know they are just papers, but it was really sad looking at all of them. We even have to change something to amend, to take it out, which I am going to do with out a lawyer...whole thing is annoying!

anyway...

The only time I feel good is when I ski...that's it...after that it's all...."nothing really matters, anyone can see, nothing really matters to me...."

I even got a little nasty with someone, and this I don't feel bad about at all...but it just shows the anti-social state I am in. I am at my club, you're not supposed to use cellphones, but that's really for calls; yes, technically, you shouldn't be texting at the bar, but no one really cares except crotchety old members who need to frigin DIE already. Anyway, I am sending an email on my iphone and some fat, gross, nasty, unattractive middle-aged cow comes up to me and says, "You're not supposed to be doing that..." I look up, kind of coldly, I don't even think I even crack a smile, which is something I'd usually do, I probably rolled my eyes and said, "As a legacy member, I really don't care." and went back to what I was doing, she then puts her hand on to shake mine and says, "I'm....(I don't even remember her name), and you are?" I just look at her, probably coldly again, an said, "Don't worry about who I am." She then said, "Wow, friendly" and walked away. I did end up walking to the end of the other bar, just to get away from that gross mess.

This may sound sexist, but it's not meant to be. One, the club I am a member of, like all these 19C clubs, didn't let women in until, I think mine was like 20 years ago or so, maybe a little more...I am was a proponent of this...who wants to look at gross old men swimming naked in the pool every time your there ?!?!?!

So, I'll admit, I'm saying to myself, "Who the f343 does this woman think she is?" I thought, on the Board, maybe, even so, I don't care..some entitled drunk woman...who knows, or, a pathetic pickup line...not sure if it says on my face.... "Hey, I'm really into the gross, middle-aged, out of shape type...??" probably a combo of both...anyway...the whole thing put me in a bad mood.

[guapo]

Hey Stewart, when the "cow" materialized at the bar, was her first action to raid the peanut bowl, THEN jump all over you?

You have quite the life.

Had dinner at my brothers in AZ the other night. His new wife kept twisting the cap off one wine bottle after another. Pretty nonstop drinking over 8 hrs. Yours truly planned on no more than 3 or 4 over the evening.

Anyhow, at nights end, new sister in law was tanked and bawling about something. I had stopped hours before, and wasn't seeing her state as being desirable. More sad than anything.

Leaving for home there were 2 sheriffs deputies in front of the house investigating something as we got in the car. On the way home, they were numerous officers sitting in the median chatting, looking for the errant driver. Oh yeah, lots of police presence.

Anyways, Even if we had stayed the night there, still can't see any possible reason to have had any more to drink.

2 years ago I would've been her or worse.

Oh yes, most probably worse...

BTW, NNG, I never said moderation required devotion and hard work. Being mindful of what your doing and understanding that senseless inebriation is crazy are what works for me now

Lets do the math :

Benefits of NOT being drunk all the time, Huge !!

Benefits of being drunk all the time..... Any ????

[Stewarts]

LOL...yeah Guapo, I know, I really shouldn't complain about my life...it is pretty funny...as my dad says, "Do you realize your personal life usually transcends into a soap opera..." Point of the whole story before was, a year or two ago, I probably would've just smiled and said, "Now, now, we are not going to tell anyone now, are we?"

People in general, lately, have been pissing me off...it's one thing after another.

And yes, I agree about mindfulness, it's truly a great thing. I read that book for b-school in a leadership semindar, the guy from google who's like their "greeer" and meditation guru, Search Inside Yourself. Some people think he's a quack, and yes, nothing he is saying is revolutionary, who is in many ways regenerating methods of meditation and mindfulness that have been practiced for over 3,000 years in the East, but he dumbs in down in a good way, so the everyday person can include it in their life. I, personally, have not been good at it lately.

Funny, about the running, I got a little lax with it with the cold...I was doing some indoor stuff and was very pissed at my weight, still am, it's starting to slowly come down..however... I finally got a chance to run outside this past two times and my times I was very pleased with, especially thinking I should be at least 7, if not 10 pounds lighter.

Drinking has kind of been all over the place, I haven't had any bad episodes or anything...a few weeks ago though, I went out with someone I hadn't seen in awhile, and I thought it was going pretty good. She even said, as I recall, "Yes, we'd match well dating..." But something must've happened toward the end of the night...when I got back to her a few weeks later (we had some random email exchanges in the interim- I've been very busy with school projects.work), and simply said, I wouldn't mind doing something chill this weekend with someone a.) not from work and b.) not from school (and I have a school weekend coming up)...even suggested a lite dinner or a movie...time permitting... I got the "I got plans this weekend response" (ok) but then there was more, "I don't have romantic feelings toward you so I'd feel uncomfortable being alone with you, good luck" ???? This is from a 39 year old woman, not a kid... I don't know where being stressed from work and school, and wanting to go to a movie or lite dinner means romantic endeavor...I wouldn't even have the strength if it were the case LOL. I pretty much responded like that, minus the "strength comment" with an addendum, "ironically, I was going to ask if you had cute gfs" which was actually kind of true... I must've did or said something that other night that I blacked out...honestly, I'm not losing any sleep over it... this girl was dating some schmuch for 6 years, thought she was going to get engaged, to only find out he never had any intention of marrying her... basically took the best years of her life away from her...so, I don't think I'm missing out on much... anyway, this is the crap I've been dealing with...

The real irony, I sent the same exact email to a friend who I know is seeing someone and she happily agreed to make time for me before going to dinner on Saturday, after my school stuff is done....(and I have flirted heavily with this girl before)...I guess some people are just too into themselves and f'd up!

j.

[nonamegirl]

Hi, all,
Sorry about that Guapo. It must have been me that said moderation takes hard work and devotion. At least sometimes it feels like hard work. Hope I didn't make you mad.

Stewarts, wish I could say something to help out. Your dad seems to have nailed it. Take care of yourself, okay?

All is well here. Happy St. Paddy's Day to everyone. Corned beef and cabbage is definitely on the menu. No green beer though.

[Stewarts]

My St. Paddy's Day I witnessed something extremely unfortunate. I went to my club to go run at the gym and the basketball club was having a game. One of the older guys collapsed and died! It was horrible to watch. His son and grandson were there also playing in their game. It was just terrible! The trainers and EMTS worked on him for, I want to say 50 mins, but it was obvious what the end result would be. So sad.

I haven't been drinking a lot, but more than I'd like. Definitely not every day, but when I do, more than my mod amount, but not enough to get completely stupid....as always, I am more concerned about my health. I am going to Vermont skiing this weekend, so that will be good. With me, it's been my mood is so off, I just stop caring...

j.

[nonamegirl]

Hey, all. Checking in. I do want to stay part of this community.
Stewarts, what a horrible thing to witness. I hope that you have recovered from it. I have seen a few people die in front of me, and it never gets easier, never is less than a shock. I hope you have dealt with it okay, and not let it push you into a downward spiral.

I am doing well and spring is definitely in the air. So nice to hear birds singing and see the crocuses blooming! It has come early for us this year, and I am certainly not complaining.

Had a glass of wine last night. It was delicious and enough.

[Lasha]

Hi NNG, Welcome back, I too have been missing as when I do well and am busy with work and GH I tend to forget about MWO.

BUT Had a stupid mini blow out on Saturday and felt terrible all day yesterday, couldn't even eat properly.
Today I'm back in the saddle and feeling great, I took my foot off the pedal for some reason and forgot I'm an Alchie who moderates.
Not an Alchie who can have blowouts from time to time, mind you it's the first for months so I'm getting better.

Stewarts, Have to say how awful it is when someone dies in your presence, I still have lingering thoughts about witnessing my Sister and father.
It never goes away and as NNG says you have not to let it push you down, easier said than doing I know but what else can you do.

Think happy thoughts, cant wait for the clocks to go forward and light nights, does that happen in America?

Roll on the summer music festivals, don't think I'll be going to many but I can watch them on the TV and wish I was their.
Biggest Gig I played at was about 3 thousand backing Deacon blue and that was amazing. I'm jealous!

Keep on modding you know it makes sense.
Lash

[Stewarts]

So, I was definitely successful this weekend. I had two beers the entire weekend. I think the first one, which was after a long drive to Vermont, I didn't even finish, maybe I drank 1/2 of it and feel asleep. The second one was on Saturday after skiing. For some reason, I consider that a weekend of not drinking. I feel good physically, not sure how I feel mentally though...

j.

[Lasha]

That's Brilliant Stewarts, wish I had done that but now after 2 nights of modding I feel so much more positive/confident, bet you feel the same.

[Stewarts]

Wow, are group seems to have dissolved. That's sad. I thought I'd make a reflection of my own. Instead of being down on myself, i'm actually going to see far I'd come. I actually did drink a little last night, more than I wanted to, but nothing drastic. My problem now, is I drank way too much coffee earlier that I feel like I am having an ongoing anxiety attack...LOL... I might go for a run, then go home and relax before the Vermont drive.

I can recall a few years ago, I'd have this stints where the next day I'd feel like hell, like I wanted to die, I mean real awful. I can't recall having one of those for a really long time, so I must be doing something right...

Quite frankly, the depression unrelated has more cause for me feeling down and making bad decisions...or foolish ones I should say.

Anyway, I hope everyone is well.

j.

[Lasha]

Funny how there are more people viewing but a lot less posts these days.

This group will cease if no-one posts.

I'm fine with my modding but how are all you viewers doing?

[LibraryGirl]

Hi All. It's been a while, but I'm here. I started to say, "I'm back", but I'm just taking this one day (hour?) at a time. I thought I'd post now before I get my confidence back this afternoon and feel like it's okay to buy yet another bottle of wine to get through the night. I've gotten to the point that I am drinking a bottle a night and it's affecting me in a negative way. I have trouble getting up in the mornings and I'm tired all the time...

I was successful at quitting for over 30 days about 2 years ago with the help of this site, and I also went on to successfully moderating, but am back to drinking every day. I am not drinking as much as I did before I came here the first time, but it's getting close. Anyway, hello to those who remember me, and to all of you. I'm looking forward to getting the support I need to get back on track.