I don't want to be totally AF......,

[Stewarts]

Hey Frances, I know exactly what you mean about the "not being fun" anymore. I've thought about that constantly, especially when I would have long AL free periods. I've been having my same issues, I am good for awhile, then I let myself down. The good news, it's nothing like I'm in danger, and frankly I never was, the bad news, I say I'm not going to do this and I do. I do see a hypnotist, which I highly recommend, it's more like guided mediation, but she has had a packed schedule as of lately, a lot of people "trying" to make this year off to a better start. I had a work event last night, I had a few glasses of wine, no biggie. On my way home though, I stepped into a bar to have more and started texted my sister. Nothing crazy, I was asking her how she felt about becoming aunt. I then started making less sense, shocker. I deleted them. My wife was pissed because I lied about coming straight home. Everything is cool between us, she's more upset I lied. We did talk about it, we agree I'm simply stressed and the whole baby thing is overwhelming. Of course I don't feel like working today.. Ugh! This is tough. It's funny, I remember times in my twenties and thirties when I gave up AL and it really wasn't that hard. I remember when I could literally drink 2 beers after a work out with friends and be fine with just that. With me, I just don't like looking foolish.. like I said, I don't get violent or so wacked you find me in a gutter or anything like that... it's my own sanity that gets f'd with if that makes any sense. Anyway.. I am taking a ski conditioning class. It's at my club, where I usually go to the tap room after... I definitely will not, even though I have gone there and not drank AL, as a matter of fact, I had some of my better times not drinking. My wife puts it into perspective, she says, I'd love to have a drink now but I can't... it really makes you think. Now she's pregnant, but still, I can do it too.

[actiongirl46]

Hi Frances! I hope you are well. I went off the deep end for awhile but I'm back now. I'm working on staying AL free.

Anyway, I just wanted to drop in and say hi! I hope you are well! AG

[frances]

Hi AG! Thanks for dropping over here and saying hello! I went back and read some of your recent posts. I'm so sorry you've had a hard time. Makes me so mad when I think how easy those things can happen and how AL gets such a #$%! grip on us. I've been where you are and it is frustrating and confusing to understand why we let ourselves drink so much. Why does it have to be drink after drink after drink until we're passed out? Why can't we control that? I know it's not always but even if it's just sometimes, it's not right. Closing that door firmly is definitely a good thing. Staying strong is hard but your body and mind will get more and more used to it over time. I'm really glad you came back here and are keeping on trying!!

Thanks again for checking in - I am still doing well and full of gratitude for that!

Stewart I hope you are doing well too. Maybe you can stop while your wife is pregnant since she has had to anyway and then take if from there? Being there for your baby is so important and if you can address this now you will be doing yourself a big favor and will help minimize a ton of regrets, believe me - I drank through most of my kids childhood and I wasn't drunk all the time, no, but I wasn't as present as I should have been. That's for sure.

[actiongirl46]

Thanks Frances! I am so glad you are doing well. Yes, this is such a strange disease. I like to watch the TLC network and the show "My 600lb Life". Some people don't understand how someone could eat themselves into a slow death . . . but I do! I find it incredibly inspiring when they are able to turn their lives around.

I would second your advice to Stewart! Being present for your kids is one of the best things you can give them. And money can't buy it.

Have a great rest of your week! AG

[Stewarts]

Re: I don't want to be totally AF......,

So, I did something interesting this morning. I got Vivitrol shot. Damn it was big!!! I am going skiing for the week tomorrow... Steamboat, CO. This will be a good test. I like to drink when I ski..moreso afterwards. I'll have a beer at lunch, but I sure as hell don't get wasted during lunch to head out for the afternoon. We will see if this shot works.. funny.. I want to curb the drinking, but for some reason I'm not completely opposed about to edible THC.. To me it sounds like a good way to get to sleep. LOL. I was never a big weed guy after say 18. The only reason I did smoke in college was because my roomates ALWAYS had it... we were all into various recreational drugs, I personally liked harder ones, that's all. LOL... Anyway.. we shall see. hopefully I will get no side effects from the vivitrol shot

[frances]

Re: I don't want to be totally AF......,

Hi Stewart - how did the Vivtrol shot work out for you? I had never heard of that so I had to look it up. I hope the skiing went well and that the shot helped you. Were you able to control it better?

I hope you are doing well and that your wife is feeling well!

Things are going OK here - unseasonably warm weather which I enjoy because I really dislike the cold (except maybe if I was in Steamboat CO skiing...then I think I would enjoy it!)

[Stewarts]

Re: I don't want to be totally AF......,

Hi all, I've been very busy, but here is my Vivitrol verdict. One, do not do the shot. The good news about it, well, first my insurance covered it so the $2,000 shot (yes, not a typo) was down to $50, and then I qualified for an additional rebate from the manufacturer, so I got it for free. The shot caused a contusion-like thing on my butt. I had it looked at to get drained, there was nothing to train. Took some anti-biotics and it has gone down, but some of it is still there. I will need to go the Dr. again to have a biopsy and/or it removed.

So, I have been taking the pills now. It's kind of interesting. You definitely can drink on on them. It definitely does curb your appetite for alcohol, but it definitely is not a cure-all. Oh, what I noticed, the stronger the alcohol you drink, the more your body rejects the taste of it, so if you're drinking scotch, you'll have a real hard time putting it down. So, if you're a hard liquor drinker, this will definitely help a lot! I am not a hard liquor drinker, but tried this as an experiment. I had a really, nice, expensive glass of scotch and I could barely put it down. I'm a wine/beer drinker... it still helps. I noticed with white wine, it has less effect, but it will kick in at some point for you to stop. The stronger the type of beer you drink, for example, an IPA, you'll be drinking it very, very slow.

If you're pounding bud lights or something like that, you can probably throw down more, but I noticed you'll have an much easier time leaving behind floaters, than say in the past. I was out with some buddies watching the rangers games and drinking pitches of light beer. We then ordered one pitcher of something actually good. My one buddy then ordered another pitcher of the light stuff, honestly, I really didn't want anymore, but drank it out of habit... I did leave a floater.. We were then walking home and wanted to stop in one more place.. this place had real beer. I figured what was one more. I had the hardest time drinking it. I really didn't want it, but felt bad not drinking it.

So, I think my initial consensus is, it does help. If you really do want to tie one on, like you want to get wasted, if that's what you want, nothings going to stop you, you can still do it... but, if you are in the mindset that you want to be more responsible, but are someone like me that likes to have fun and be "forgetful" or "slip" into old habits.. it seems like it can help

[frances]

Re: I don't want to be totally AF......,

Hi all - checking in lately - it's been too long and I need to get back on track. Things were great for a very long time but Mom's cancer came back last summer and she passed away in September. It was a very difficult time and still is. I did fine until in the months afterward. I have been drinking more frequently and at times had more than I should, and now 8 months later I'm finding myself feeling like I'm on a very slippery slope. I told myself this morning that I need to go at least 30 days without AL to see if that helps me get back on track. Then, I immediately thought of the weekend plans and the baseball tickets I got that include special seats with free food as well as beer and wine and I thought - well, I can make an exception for that...and I realized, oh no, here we go - it's the same old rationalizing and making exceptions that ALWAYS gets in the way of success. It has to be a firm NO to make this work! That's one of the reasons I realized I need to come back...lately I've had those days where I say to myself I'm not having any drink today and then at the end of the day there I am having a drink. And I was just reading back on my old posts and my 'rules' are all no longer there - I said I wouldn't drink at home and sure enough, I have been drinking at home. It's not back to the level it was before where I drank daily, but it's clear to me that it could very easily get that way if I don't change something. As I type this I'm really finding it very hard to say I'm going to go 30 days without. I need to give this some serious thought and figure out what I'm going to do. I am off to work now but wanted to check in and hopefully I will continue to do so!

[abcowboy]

Then that's the perfect time to start your 30 days AF [MENTION=7263]frances[/MENTION]! What a great way to enjoy the game, eat all you want, drink as much non-alcoholic drinks as you want, and remember it all the next day! Of course you can do it!

So sorry to hear about your mom, tough times are in all our futures, we just need to let them come and go....