I am back. I was out doing MODS for the past few months.. Well, I guess it would be MODS for someone that drank three bottle of wine a day.. I was only drinking one a day (only one??)! That is not MODS for me, though. Certainly not what I had in mind.. the mind - that is my gauge. I think that even if I were able to have two glasses of wine a day (which was my "goal") I would still have to deal with the drinking committee in my head. AND WHAT A COMMITTEE I HAVE ASSEMBLED!! I have the "whew, it's been a long day and it's OK to drink" committee, that one that is the strongest, the one that justifies my stopping at the wine store and then hiding the bottle in my purse or cupboard, the one that tells me that if I have a drink before I get home it doesn't count in my "2" glasses. The ones that completely blind me to the night before. Then there is the "you suck" committee - oh, those bastards are fun. They are the ones that start in on me after I have started in on the wine. "you suck", you shouldn't be drinking that 3rd, 4th glass of wine - actually they start now after the first sip. Then there is the "regret/hate myself" committee, the ones that come in after I have had my fill and I just want to be left alone. They are the worst.. They alienate me from my family and make me go to bed early, pissed, pissed off and feeling very alone. Oh, it doesn't stop there.. Then there is the committee that wakes me up at 3am - the ever honest, painful "lonely hearts club" committee. These sad sacks are the ones that tell me how it really is.. why I drink, how I really can't control it, the ones that point out my true sad self when I drink and make me think about it for at least 2 hours before I can fall asleep for an hour before I have to get up. And lastly, there is the "split personality, morning after" committee, the ones that resolve to not drink so much and tell me everything is OK.. What an amazing curse to be able to lie to myself that way.
I realize I am the boss of my self – my mind is not. I know this from the hundreds of hours that I have spent meditating – I should know better than to let my mind get so spun out! Anyway, I have to fire these guys.. I think of how much time I "think" and it is astounding that I get anything done. Thinking is getting in the way of living! The amazing part is that the actual drinking only takes up about an hour an evening, but these thoughts take up most of my entire waking moments! Well, I am exhausted - I need that time back, I want my happy, outgoing, caring, compassionate mind back, so it is back to ABS for me.
Thanks for listening...
MM
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