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    #1

    me, my head and I....

    Hi All!

    I am back. I was out doing MODS for the past few months.. Well, I guess it would be MODS for someone that drank three bottle of wine a day.. I was only drinking one a day (only one??)! That is not MODS for me, though. Certainly not what I had in mind.. the mind - that is my gauge. I think that even if I were able to have two glasses of wine a day (which was my "goal") I would still have to deal with the drinking committee in my head. AND WHAT A COMMITTEE I HAVE ASSEMBLED!! I have the "whew, it's been a long day and it's OK to drink" committee, that one that is the strongest, the one that justifies my stopping at the wine store and then hiding the bottle in my purse or cupboard, the one that tells me that if I have a drink before I get home it doesn't count in my "2" glasses. The ones that completely blind me to the night before. Then there is the "you suck" committee - oh, those bastards are fun. They are the ones that start in on me after I have started in on the wine. "you suck", you shouldn't be drinking that 3rd, 4th glass of wine - actually they start now after the first sip. Then there is the "regret/hate myself" committee, the ones that come in after I have had my fill and I just want to be left alone. They are the worst.. They alienate me from my family and make me go to bed early, pissed, pissed off and feeling very alone. Oh, it doesn't stop there.. Then there is the committee that wakes me up at 3am - the ever honest, painful "lonely hearts club" committee. These sad sacks are the ones that tell me how it really is.. why I drink, how I really can't control it, the ones that point out my true sad self when I drink and make me think about it for at least 2 hours before I can fall asleep for an hour before I have to get up. And lastly, there is the "split personality, morning after" committee, the ones that resolve to not drink so much and tell me everything is OK.. What an amazing curse to be able to lie to myself that way.

    I realize I am the boss of my self – my mind is not. I know this from the hundreds of hours that I have spent meditating – I should know better than to let my mind get so spun out! Anyway, I have to fire these guys.. I think of how much time I "think" and it is astounding that I get anything done. Thinking is getting in the way of living! The amazing part is that the actual drinking only takes up about an hour an evening, but these thoughts take up most of my entire waking moments! Well, I am exhausted - I need that time back, I want my happy, outgoing, caring, compassionate mind back, so it is back to ABS for me.

    Thanks for listening...
    MM
    Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them, but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.
    Tags: None
    #2
    me, my head and I....

    Very insightful post. Wishing you the best.....
    I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me

    Comment

      #3
      me, my head and I....

      Hi meditation mama,
      I think many people go through all of what you descibe when attempting mods. Some can moderate extremely successfully and I have enormous admiration for them.

      I made a determined at mods, but simply couldn`t maintain it............I always wanted more and wanted it more often.........amazing how each day I could conveniently alter my comprehension of the word " moderation "!!! LOL

      AF is certainly the only way for me to go.........Day 16.........no regrets.

      Wishing you good luck in turning your back on the booze.

      Starlight Impress x

      Comment

        #4
        me, my head and I....

        Meditation Mama......That was a GREAT post! I know these committee groups well!!!! They were my life a few months ago and to be honest...I had forgotten about them. How quick I forget. You describe it all so well. I particuarly disliked the one that spoke to me in the dark hours when I was tucked up in my bed, wanting to die. Ooooh....my blood runs cold when I remember that one. I've been feeling a bit fed up of being sober lately and your post has just jolted me back to the reality of how my life was......before I decided to stop drinking.

        Thankyou. You have made someone very happy!

        Good luck with Abs.......Its well worth all the struggle.

        Bella xxxxx

        Comment

          #5
          me, my head and I....

          Hi all:

          I was doing 25mg of the topa for about the last month, then a week ago I stopped it completely because my wife and I are thinking about trying to have a child and I'm thinking I want these chemicals out of me.

          Anyway, I didn't notice anything at all when I stopped the topa, nothing. Still no craving, I don't really even think about drinking anymore at all. Most of the time I can't even imagine
          drinking again and if I do think about it it just scares me. Especially when I read posts from people that previously built up considerable periods, many, many months or years, of sobriety and then for whatever reason began drinking again only to be trapped again.

          Today I am not interested in that first drink, I can control that now, I am not going to lift that glass and take that first sip. I can do that now. What I can't ever control is the second drink and on and on and on.

          Fortuantely, for whatever reason, the craving and desire to drink is gone for right now, but if and when it does come back I just hope I have developed the tools not to take that first drink, I couldn't imagine having to do that first couple of weeks over again. 128 days AF

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            #6
            me, my head and I....

            I meant to post that last one on the Tuesday, Aug 14 thread, sorry.

            Comment

              #7
              me, my head and I....

              Wonderful post, Meditation Mama! You write beautifully about all of those voices in our heads when we're drinking. Thank you for sharing. Those voices do quiet down when you've stopped.

              I wish you peace and encouragement.
              Hugs,:l
              Kathy
              AF as of August 5th, 2012

              Comment

                #8
                me, my head and I....

                Meditation Mama....That was such a lovely, honest post which I can relate to entirely. but could never have put into words so well.
                Thank you.

                Comment

                  #9
                  me, my head and I....

                  Hi Meditation Mama

                  I just hated that morning committee, the one that was assembled every morning in the bathroom mirror staring back at me...filling me with shame and self loathing, not to mention blood shot eyes and a mild tremor. Day in, day out reach for the toothbrush and then the panadol ( but mustn't let the family see or they will know I have drunk too much AGAIN).
                  Mama, it's all in the past tense, now I just reach for the toothbrush. Those committees are disbanded, Praise the Lord. Now, I just have to work on my Government!!
                  Jane :heart:

                  Comment

                    #10
                    me, my head and I....

                    Thanks. all! It was actually very helpful for me to go back and read this just now. I wrote it this morning and it gave me a boost tonight. Your posts about the committe going away is a great reminder for me.. I have been AF before, so I look forward to the silence.. Thank you again!!!
                    Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them, but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      me, my head and I....

                      Thanks MM - great post. Worst time for me was first thing in the morning. Waking up and thinking - oh, no...I did it again. Why? Why? Why did I drink all of that?

                      Thanks for the post-
                      best of luck and I wish you a very happy sobriety.
                      Lisa

                      Comment

                        #12
                        me, my head and I....

                        I just realized I needed to read this to mysef again....
                        Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them, but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          me, my head and I....

                          You are doing great MM! Keep it up!!! :l

                          Comment

                            #14
                            me, my head and I....

                            MM,I'm glad you brought this back out as I missed it the first time.A really wondeful post!!!
                            That 3am and morning committe really eat away at your self-esteem don't they?
                            I'm going to remember them the next time I start trying to convince myself that I need "one drink" to relax and chill out a bit.

                            Thanks,
                            Janet

                            Comment

                              #15
                              me, my head and I....

                              Great post. I read it at just the right time, so instead of letting the committees make a rash decision for me, I burst out laughing-- that silenced them real quick.
                              Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life... And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

                              Steve Jobs, Stanford Commencement Adress, 2005

                              Comment

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