This is what I've bunged somewhere (!) and the same apology applies if....
"Just to say I can't think of anything that might help today coz I'm there with you - sh*t day (although I soooh hope yours has improved enormously...)
I've just got to do hour by hour today - minute by minute if it comes to that. I can see an inordinate amount of chocolate being eaten today! Nothing really - just bored, lonely, frustrated, hurt, hurting, 'too aware of the truths in my life' and I sooh miss my man... :upset: Well, nothing!? But I am alive so I'll shut up! (Sometimes I think I'll be able to moderate one day in the future but I absoutely know that this is NOT the time to be even thinking about it!!! Mod must never be in the same ball park as "I need a drink..." !!!! I don't think for me anyway! And wossthatabout anyway - I know it doesn't help...!)
Sorry to dump on your post!
This is running through my mind for some reason and I'm grateful... might it help, too....?
"That which we are, we are....made weak by time and fate.
But strong in will to strive to seek, to find and not to yield."
Can't even find it now! Had it copied to find the quote so....
I've just had a great 5 days with my beloved 83 year old cousin... She is the life and soul of any party - quite an amazing woman in all that she has done and continues to do. She has been (and is) a real rock for me; she knows about ALL the nasties to do with my growing up and everything about me except about MWO/(AA)....or about my drinking (I hope! She's canny but I don't think she's ever seen anything to suggest....and there's none in the family...) I was going to chat to her if it seemed right but the moment never presented itself...meant?
But, David and I split the day before she came and I've not had time to 'deal' with any of it... Company was good and lovely but it's poured with rain most of the time, we even had the heating on yesterday (!) and, energetic as she is, we couldn't go anywhere as she can't walk far and I 'can't' drive - for another year of my 18 months ban.. (and, yes, she knows about that one...) So, the David sadness festers on...and hurts lots. :upset:
I think too much time sitting talking about families, life, plans etc. etc has got to me... sober I have been relishing in the re-found awareness of the good things in life, but since David went, despite it being because of wanting a more fulfilling/nurturing life (it was a no-commitment situation guys who don't know - not boring everyone here again!) I've been really facing the down sides as well and it is really horrible....
How the b******* hell did I get in to this mess??? I was in it long before the booze and made it 10 times worse through using the booze to hide the feelings about it. So, it's obvious that I have to face those feelings sober to really deal with them.... I 'know all that' but today seems really hard???? I have harboured images of booze nearly all the time for the last 5 days and haven't for the 80 days before that.... P'd off about that I am! Even if I poured my aunt a glass of vino tinto each night without a care in the world?!?!!?
Why did I get myself to a time of life where I am living in a place that is miles from anywhere, miles from my family and long-standing friends, not be able to teach what I love and spent 3 years qualifying in 25 years ago, so set up a biz that floundered, not be able to do my music that is my life, live in a house that I thoroughly dislike (actually haunted!), not have a job or any friends and let myself become addicted to the beastly firewater?!?!?!?! "If only" I had known where it could lead I might have 'just taken' my kids back up-country and been done with it....aaah, hindsight!
I followed my heart after a man that desperately wanted to live in Cornwall who then walked out and has moved back 'up-country'!!!! Then I had to attend to my kid's needs (joyfully and that's fine; they've done great) who were by then plugged into schools here and now it's like I have been given back my sight and I am looking round with utter amazement thinking, "This isn't where I'm meant to be!!!! I've left my life somewhere else!!" And it looks like I can't do much for another year - my daughter has one more year here and then.... But a year more of this?!??! And sober?!?!!?? Help!!!!
I believe we all have the choice to get up off the ol' arse and change things but, in the words of the ol' serenity prayer (even if viewed as a simple philosophy if not religious) 'grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference'.....hmmm. I soooh agree and really work on the serenity (!) yet, even if I have a little wisdom, HOW/WHEN/WHERE do I bring about the actual changes I need - and I realise now that I DO need them to get well, to honour the life I've been blessed with and that, for some obscure reason, I can't seem to do here - this place is slowly killing me. Can a place really be that bad for us - not saying it is the actual place but that some places are bad for us individually??? I don't know why as it is beautiful here and only 250 miles from London but it might as well be another planet. (I'm not alone in saying that though.) I've just kept thinking that I'm being negative so kept thinking about all the good things about here. But it's rather like being in the desert and truly needing water but ignoring that fact and going on admiring the colour of the sand or the blue of the sky....you're still going to die from lack of water without action or rescue !!!
I've gone on and on trusting that something will 'happen', or 'God's Will' etc etc.... and nothing has/is and look what's happened now...? I know, my choice which I totally own. And yet, I'm alive and soooh grateful for that - or does this look as if I'm not...???
I just feel in a real wilderness at the moment as more and more things I've given up, stopped doing, miss, need to do (work included), don't want, mustn't have, being broke etc. come into my mind.... Yes, ok, mid-life crisis? But is it? Just HOW do I get out of this county and/or back into life?!?!?! (Probably thinking I'm really weird - but e.g. Cornwall has lowest income per capita anywhere in the UK. Gross Domestic Product (production) is 29% below the national average of the UK, highest and fastest growing bankruptcy rates in the UK in the last 3 years etc. etc... bit hard to walk into any job here or even prise your way in especially if you're 'not from these parts'!!)
Sorry to have such a real moan (my Mum's called Joan but 'Auntie Moan' to everyone who knows her (secretly!) - I soooh hope I haven't inherited that!)
Please kick my butt and tell me anything? Quick prayer? Shine a light anyone who's been 'here' themselves? Tell me to shut up moaning and get a life??? I know things could change over night almost but I'm b*g*e*ed if I can see any way at all!!!
And thank you for allowing me (?!?!?) to say this here - I've not wanted a drink for an hour anyway! That's great! (Yet, I don't want one really - it's daft. I just want to stop feeling so trapped. Booze would only stop the feeling temp. I know and do nothing about the situation....so why is it sooh on my mind?)
I cringe at the fact (I hope!!!) that I could be posting from a totally different place in the future looking back at this post with a very wry smile....well, I hope so more than anything! I hope you'll join me in the wry smile and not laugh which would be very natural but you're all too kind I know!
Well, I dare to post this even if it's just helped typing it out in the real hope that, much of it being about the 'human condition', something good may come out of it for just someone - lots of people - all of us coz here is such a great place full of such lovely people and I think we're all being really brave...
Thank you so, so much and I'm thinking of you...
Love
Feet x :h
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