A struggling time...??

[Finding My Self]

I've posted in all the wrong places today - my poota needs refreshing ALL the time and if I forget to do every page every time I get the dates and times all muddled up and probably post out of date 'help' or ideas - I soooh hope I've not upset or worsened anyone's 'place' by doing this.... so I thought I'd do my own post and not muck up anyone elses...

This is what I've bunged somewhere (!) and the same apology applies if....

"Just to say I can't think of anything that might help today coz I'm there with you - sh*t day (although I soooh hope yours has improved enormously...)

I've just got to do hour by hour today - minute by minute if it comes to that. I can see an inordinate amount of chocolate being eaten today! Nothing really - just bored, lonely, frustrated, hurt, hurting, 'too aware of the truths in my life' and I sooh miss my man... :upset: Well, nothing!? But I am alive so I'll shut up! (Sometimes I think I'll be able to moderate one day in the future but I absoutely know that this is NOT the time to be even thinking about it!!! Mod must never be in the same ball park as "I need a drink..." !!!! I don't think for me anyway! And wossthatabout anyway - I know it doesn't help...!)

Sorry to dump on your post!

This is running through my mind for some reason and I'm grateful... might it help, too....?


"That which we are, we are....made weak by time and fate.
But strong in will to strive to seek, to find and not to yield."


Can't even find it now! Had it copied to find the quote so....

I've just had a great 5 days with my beloved 83 year old cousin... She is the life and soul of any party - quite an amazing woman in all that she has done and continues to do. She has been (and is) a real rock for me; she knows about ALL the nasties to do with my growing up and everything about me except about MWO/(AA)....or about my drinking (I hope! She's canny but I don't think she's ever seen anything to suggest....and there's none in the family...) I was going to chat to her if it seemed right but the moment never presented itself...meant?

But, David and I split the day before she came and I've not had time to 'deal' with any of it... Company was good and lovely but it's poured with rain most of the time, we even had the heating on yesterday (!) and, energetic as she is, we couldn't go anywhere as she can't walk far and I 'can't' drive - for another year of my 18 months ban.. (and, yes, she knows about that one...) So, the David sadness festers on...and hurts lots. :upset:

I think too much time sitting talking about families, life, plans etc. etc has got to me... sober I have been relishing in the re-found awareness of the good things in life, but since David went, despite it being because of wanting a more fulfilling/nurturing life (it was a no-commitment situation guys who don't know - not boring everyone here again!) I've been really facing the down sides as well and it is really horrible....


How the b******* hell did I get in to this mess??? I was in it long before the booze and made it 10 times worse through using the booze to hide the feelings about it. So, it's obvious that I have to face those feelings sober to really deal with them.... I 'know all that' but today seems really hard???? I have harboured images of booze nearly all the time for the last 5 days and haven't for the 80 days before that.... P'd off about that I am! Even if I poured my aunt a glass of vino tinto each night without a care in the world?!?!!?

Why did I get myself to a time of life where I am living in a place that is miles from anywhere, miles from my family and long-standing friends, not be able to teach what I love and spent 3 years qualifying in 25 years ago, so set up a biz that floundered, not be able to do my music that is my life, live in a house that I thoroughly dislike (actually haunted!), not have a job or any friends and let myself become addicted to the beastly firewater?!?!?!?! "If only" I had known where it could lead I might have 'just taken' my kids back up-country and been done with it....aaah, hindsight!

I followed my heart after a man that desperately wanted to live in Cornwall who then walked out and has moved back 'up-country'!!!! Then I had to attend to my kid's needs (joyfully and that's fine; they've done great) who were by then plugged into schools here and now it's like I have been given back my sight and I am looking round with utter amazement thinking, "This isn't where I'm meant to be!!!! I've left my life somewhere else!!" And it looks like I can't do much for another year - my daughter has one more year here and then.... But a year more of this?!??! And sober?!?!!?? Help!!!!

I believe we all have the choice to get up off the ol' arse and change things but, in the words of the ol' serenity prayer (even if viewed as a simple philosophy if not religious) 'grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference'.....hmmm. I soooh agree and really work on the serenity (!) yet, even if I have a little wisdom, HOW/WHEN/WHERE do I bring about the actual changes I need - and I realise now that I DO need them to get well, to honour the life I've been blessed with and that, for some obscure reason, I can't seem to do here - this place is slowly killing me. Can a place really be that bad for us - not saying it is the actual place but that some places are bad for us individually??? I don't know why as it is beautiful here and only 250 miles from London but it might as well be another planet. (I'm not alone in saying that though.) I've just kept thinking that I'm being negative so kept thinking about all the good things about here. But it's rather like being in the desert and truly needing water but ignoring that fact and going on admiring the colour of the sand or the blue of the sky....you're still going to die from lack of water without action or rescue !!!

I've gone on and on trusting that something will 'happen', or 'God's Will' etc etc.... and nothing has/is and look what's happened now...? I know, my choice which I totally own. And yet, I'm alive and soooh grateful for that - or does this look as if I'm not...???

I just feel in a real wilderness at the moment as more and more things I've given up, stopped doing, miss, need to do (work included), don't want, mustn't have, being broke etc. come into my mind.... Yes, ok, mid-life crisis? But is it? Just HOW do I get out of this county and/or back into life?!?!?! (Probably thinking I'm really weird - but e.g. Cornwall has lowest income per capita anywhere in the UK. Gross Domestic Product (production) is 29% below the national average of the UK, highest and fastest growing bankruptcy rates in the UK in the last 3 years etc. etc... bit hard to walk into any job here or even prise your way in especially if you're 'not from these parts'!!)

Sorry to have such a real moan (my Mum's called Joan but 'Auntie Moan' to everyone who knows her (secretly!) - I soooh hope I haven't inherited that!)

Please kick my butt and tell me anything? Quick prayer? Shine a light anyone who's been 'here' themselves? Tell me to shut up moaning and get a life??? I know things could change over night almost but I'm b*g*e*ed if I can see any way at all!!!

And thank you for allowing me (?!?!?) to say this here - I've not wanted a drink for an hour anyway! That's great! (Yet, I don't want one really - it's daft. I just want to stop feeling so trapped. Booze would only stop the feeling temp. I know and do nothing about the situation....so why is it sooh on my mind?)

I cringe at the fact (I hope!!!) that I could be posting from a totally different place in the future looking back at this post with a very wry smile....well, I hope so more than anything! I hope you'll join me in the wry smile and not laugh which would be very natural but you're all too kind I know!

Well, I dare to post this even if it's just helped typing it out in the real hope that, much of it being about the 'human condition', something good may come out of it for just someone - lots of people - all of us coz here is such a great place full of such lovely people and I think we're all being really brave...

Thank you so, so much and I'm thinking of you...

Love
Feet x :h

[Guest]

A struggling time...??

Thanks for such an open and honest post, Feet.

Really identified with it, as can relate to much of what you describe, save for being blissfully happy with living in Glasgow.

Am headed towards my first 30 Days AF stint, and very much find myself feeling somewhat "adrift", since I decided there was no longer a place in my life for alcohol.

It`s rather like being in "No Man`s Land"..........simultaneously terrifying and exhilirating.
Personally, I currently feel that the best has yet to come in my life, and I truly have no way of predicting what exactly lies ahead..........I only know, that when we leave the booze behind, we can see so many opportunities to which we were blind when stupified with drink.

AF affords us glowing optimism.........am happy to go with its flow and feel somehow certain that my actual living is only just beginning.

Can`t quite remember when, if indeed ever, I felt this good!!!

All my love,

Starlight Impress x

[Finding My Self]

A struggling time...??

Thanks Starlight - And I am soooh glad you are so blissfully happy AND sober in Glasgow!

Fills the spirit with all good things to read that!

I have a sneaking feeling that, yes, my 'trouble' is that I am just on the other side of a thin membrane stopping me from feeling that bliss.... and that will be pierced when I .....?!?! I honestly can't find the words but can feel the feeling! Something about congruency but I'm not sure what of...! My work, music, home (real as in future as in not this one here coz it isn't and doesn't seem to want to be one!) and kids I think. The latter are my already joy :H and the first three are what needs 'working' on!

Your words are very comforting and I thank you again.

We have some sun now (!!!!!!!!) down here - howz it with you?

Hug
Feet x

[Guest]

A struggling time...??

Dull and overcast here in Glasgow, Feet, but not sufficient to dampen the old spirits!!! LOL

Starlight Impress x

[Determinator]

A struggling time...??

Starlight, I can very clearly identify with your mental state...it's similar to what I've had especially at that 30 day mark. Glee and uncertainty all at once. I too grew up in a place I did not identify with. Family travels took me away and it's been an adventure ever since. Even if you can't get away physically it's good I think to shake things up some other way...psychologically. Certainly going AF is a big change Maybe gettng away for a drive to the sea or the mountains wil be a helpfull change of environment. At any rate...congrads!!!

[Guest]

A struggling time...??

Thanks Det.
Funny, going AF has freed me up to look over all the things I imagined I would do/achieve and never got around too. Am planning major changes........have something big in the pipeline.........will post it when I manage to set its wheels in motion.

Starlight Impress x

[Hannah]

A struggling time...??

Big Hug to You, FMF

Oh, feet, just wish I could give you a big hug in person, you are so obviously hurting. But, I think this is just a process you are gong throu - remember that you are only very newly split w David, and w your aunt (cousin) coming to visit immediately after, you haven't had any time to process this. It's almost like a greiving process, which is actually very similar to what you went thru when you gave up drinking as well. I think you have to allow some time to go by - even if you are doing nothing to change things, there is a process going on. I quite often find if I have a problem, the best thing to do is to give it time. Things have a way of falling into place, if you will only let them. You say you have no friends. Is that because you were so wrapped up in David? I find it hard to believe that a woman as compassionate and caring as you are could not find friends. And really, you have a whole pile of friends here at MWO. Better friends, in many ways, than actual standing next to you in the flesh friends because they probably wouldn't know you nearly as well as we all do already. And there is lots to love, about you, Feet. Don't you ever doubt it.


If I could give you any advice, it would be this - try to calm down, and just find a state of contentedness as much as you can for now, and let your subconscious work at finding the first step to the process you are going to follow to get yourself out of Cornwall. Maybe start going to the local church, if you don't already. Try to eat well, go for a walk every day - simple stuff like that. And like yourself - you are a great person, and don't you ever doubt it. And some morning when you wake up, or are sitting quietly, you will get a glimmer that is the start of a constructive plan. Just don't get all panicky and think that you have to do it all today, right this minute, immedaitely!!!! That will just create stress, and right now you just have to allow yourself time to heal emotionally. Does this make sense to you? You've already done at least three very important steps: !. Became sober. Hold onto that, don't ever let it go. 2. Made a decision about David - the right one. Don't look back. 3. Logged on here at MWO. I myself think this is the best thing I have ever done for myself - I'm sure it is much the same for you. I will always be willing to listen to you and send you cyber hugs, and so will lots of others here.

Hang in there, love, it will get better.:l

[YoungAtHeart]

A struggling time...??

Hi FMF,

I just wanted to tell you that I was not one of those people who felt almost immediately better when I stopped drinking. I was proud of not drinking, but otherwise, things just seemed pretty much the same.

Give this some time. I know you are in pain, especially over David, and it might take a couple of months for you to start to see things in a different light. It took me about 7 weeks before things started looking more optimistic.

You need time and space to start healing, and please follow the good advice given above by others.

All the best,:l
Kathy

[Doggygirl]

A struggling time...??

((((hugs for 'Feet')))) I'm sure you will need time to grieve, and I send you my hugs. I hope you will also take time - even if you have to "force it" at first - to really think about the positive directions you can take your life from here. I think that too often we women spend too much time wishing for what can't be, and we could put our sad times behind us more effectively if balance our grief with time spent thinking of a positive future.

You know we LURVE you here 'Feet' and we'll be right here with you wherever your next life adventure takes you.

DG

[satori]

A struggling time...??

Feet - I know you are hurting - and I am a complete stranger who doesnt know anything much about your personal circumstances - other than what you tell us here, but can I suggest again the Satori way of dealing with "unhappiness".

We Buddhist types call it "suffering".

Now here is the biggie - your situation does not make you happy or unhappy - it is your thoughts about that situation that makes you happy / unhappy.

Unhapiness or suffering is caused simply by either thinking you want something that you percieve will make you happy (craving), or thinking you don't want something that you percieve makes you sad (aversion).

Try just sitting down and looking at your situation WITHOUT your usual thoughts / judgements about it. Every time a judgemental type thought comes into your head (ie like, hate good bad etc) notice it - but let it pass by without getting caught up in that train of thought.

Just LOOK - totally objectively. FEEL the sensations in your body - totally objectively. Without the judgements.
I KNOW it is not easy - especially when you are hurting - but honestly, that is the time you need to try it most.

Just take 10 minutes every day to examine your situation - chose one aspect of it at a sitting - do not try to examine all of it at once - it doesn't work.
Try just sitting with one aspect at a time.

Thoroughly examine, dispassionately, what it is about the situation that you are having the craving/aversion about.

Take your situation with regards to your location perhaps - lose the "Oh I really cant stand being down here aminute longer" type thoughts and try to look at all aspects.
If you do - you will perhaps also discover that, along with the lack of mobility as a negative, the actual location itself may be infinitely better for your kids to grow up in as a positive.
You may find that the percieved rural lifestyle with its slower pace of life, doesn't actually need to make you frustrated - and could actually be percieved as relaxing and healthier in the long run.

We all too often get fixated on a set of pre programmed, habitual thoughts that we think we should have about a given situation, and if we actually get rid of the habitual thoughts, we find that the REAL situation doesn't actually have that much wrong with it - OTHER than our own negative thoughts.
I am certainly not trying to belittle your feelings about your situation, or trying to tell you to pull yourself together - just trying to suggest a possible different approach to looking at things which may give you a different view on things.

Meditation Mama posted much the same stuff earlier - actually just doing something we think we are not going to enjoy for instance, is much easier than all the suffering we put ourselves thru' just thinking about doing it!

None of my business I know - and feel free to tell me to butt out if you like - I will completely understand,
But just trying to pass on some stuff that works for me.

Much Love :l

Satori
xxx

[Finding My Self]

A struggling time...??

Dear Satori - Thank you.
Feet x :l

Thank you everyone who has posted here - I'll be back later. X :l

[madisonmay]

A struggling time...??

Satori

You have so much wisdom, there is so much we can all take from your postings, which are so helpful and meaningful. Although this posting was for Feet, there were aspects we could all use in our lives. Thank you.

Mary :l

[satori]

A struggling time...??

Don't thank me!

A very wise guy that lived 2500 years ago figured this all out!

I'm just passing it on.

Much love,

Satori
xxx

[Almostfamous]

A struggling time...??

Finding,
You wrote a very thought provoking post. I am sending you a big hug. I really like Satori's response. Try to think positive thoughts as much as you possibly can and live day to day. Keep posting as we are here for you.

[Finding My Self]

A struggling time...??

Hello - 'tis me.... :wavin:

Satori - thanks again....to the old guy....! But, no, to you for passing it on. Yup, crazy to think like I 'was' (um?!?!?!) 'knowing' so much (um?!?!?!) as in I'm just now halfway through another Dalai Lama book!!! And have done that much 'positive/awareness/stillness' training in my life/job..... Well, as I've always said, I must be a bl***y good teacher because "One teaches what one most needs to learn..."!!! Hmmmm! LOL! Thank you soooh much for gently kicking butt and turning my (daft) thinking around! You know, when I typed that (um?!?!?) 'stuff' your name kept coming to mind coz I just knew that you'd come up trumps! (or with a hefty kick up the *** which deep down I know I sort of needed....!)

Not that all of you haven't helped me sooh much and your support and caring has been really felt and cherished - here and in all the posts/threads.

AF - you know, I like the name 'Finding' a bit better!!!! Thanks! Just maybe I should (?!) come out from behind that shy-hidy-myself sofa and, having grounded myself without the ol' 'jooce', actually become that more postive (not that I dislike feet!) word of 'Finding'?? Sounds and feels rather more on the 'Satori would approve wholeheartedly' side of things!! (Only I want it for myself Satori - is that OK?!) Maybe, just maybe, one day I'll actually like my real name....when I know who she is - who I is....which I've never done! And despite outward appearances, stop feeling quite that shy...? I picked the sofa in my signature coz I realised it was how I really felt without the ol' confidence booster jooce... which it isn't of course!

Had a good day here...yea!!!! Satori isn't it great to have some sun?!!!!!!:rays: All us UK bods are in shock you guys who are roasting in high temps around the world! A very Bristish thing to 'talk about the weather' but, boy, it's been cold, windy and wet! I know, I know, and I have been, be positive about not having droughts etc but a hotty in bed in August?!?! And saw a 'famous guy' on TV tonight who said he loved Cornwall when he first came but found it very lonely so asked all his friends to come down and see him - which they did. (Mine didn't sadly....) That comforted me quite a lot!! Good plans hatching - no, not that strong, 'wafting about' - now by the way! I'm looking frowards now!

Spent the day shopping with my son for school (4th September for us here) - so empty bank accounts! 14 years olds grow soooooooooh fast especially mine with 6'6" and 6'4" grandfathers!! Hair cut too so I can see him for the first time in months! He tried on his hire suit today for my big daughter's wedding on the 1st and he looks damn handsome!! My dress and jacket are having to be taken in 2 sizes!!!! The ol' weight is falling off! ?!?!-don't think anything to do with AF actually as I am eating like a horse and all this sugar too, but is just something my 'body' has done every 2-3 years of my life.... nothing to do with food amounts it just goes up and down when it feels like it...but this is cool! I feel lighter and good for the wedding and much more! Slim, trim, sober and 50 (Oct)!!!! Aren't I lucky?!?! (Sorry, reading that looks a rather boastful - not meant to be...just pleased and want to tell someone!)

Well, just saying thank you again - I hope your day/night's been good, fun, peaceful, satisfying, full and joyous....

Today for me's been great when I woke up (again) to the fact that "I don't drink anymore" instead of, "Oh, god, what if I fall off the wagon, what if I can't cope, what if..... (OK Satori!!) aaagh!" which is one hell of a difficult way to handle this thing!!

"I don't drink any more" is just so simple.... I live now. "KISS"...! :yay:

Lots of love all round.
'Finding' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xx :h