I Want to jump into the goal... but...

[MyOwnWoman]

I look over this Abs forum with such envy, and long for the day when I can finally fit here. I'm holding back because I jumped in here a couple times before and fell out. I'm doing quite well, overall... bf should be out within a couple weeks (keeping my fingers crossed) and he's been sober 2 weeks. My relationship with my daughter is blossoming and we are closer than ever. I'm learning a lot about the workings of my thoughts and how they sabotage my efforts at sobriety and peace. I've had many sober days the past 3 months, after drinking daily for years, and I feel good about that.

I do believe that I ought not mess around with thinking I can moderate, at least not yet. Yet I am at this point resistant to saying I am committing to being AF from this day forward. Maybe I fear failing again? Cravings are bigger than prior AF days, maybe because I cut back on topa worrying if it was contributing to my depression. And my mind has all kinds of clauses... looking for excuses to give in to drink (be it Friday night, argument with bf, ex-husband getting remarried Sunday, a night alone - which I won;t see til he's out...) etc. You know how it goes....

Anyway... not much point to all this... just wanted to share ... I want to commit, I've done good for myself lately and want to keep going... what am I so afraid of?? What is holding me back?

[Going Strong]

I Want to jump into the goal... but...

I know what you mean!

Hi MOW,
I know what you mean, I too have joined abs a few times many many months ago but failed miserably and got sick of having to post that I had failed again.
I could not seem to commit, too frightened of change I suppose.
I never really left but never participated either, just felt locked in my own head.
Maybe when you boyfriend leaves you will be able to focus on yourself and your daughter. Don't know much about the meds as too hard to get here but have upped the kudzu with some good effect.
I was worried that my life and I would be boring and too many things would change at once and I wouldn't be able to handle it all.
But now I am ready for the change, I am starting on the abs thread next week after I have 1 week under my belt.
Join me? We could jump in together.
:l

[Chief]

I Want to jump into the goal... but...

MyOwn, It's all about committment. It's all about the 2 voices in our head. One is The Beast who wants only 1 thing: booze. It doesn't care what it costs or who it hurts. It will lie, cheat, put pictures in your head of good times drinking, it will use any occasion as an excuse to drink: if you're mad:drink, if you're sad:drink, if you're stressed:drink, if you're happy:drink, if you're lonely:drink. There is an old saying among bar owners- " when times are good, people drink, when times are bad, people drink."
The other voice in our head is the real you. The you that knows what you are doing is wrong. The you that knows what you are doing is not in your best interest. The you that knows all the rationalizing about drinking is bullshit. The you that really wants to put an end to this nonsense and start living the kind of life that you really want to live.
The problem we drunks have is we have been letting The Beast call the shots for so long we forget who is actually in charge. The Beast can't put a bottle of booze to our lips, we do. So we have to get to the point of going to battle with the Beast. We have to learn to recognize The Beast's voice from our own. Once we learn and practice this, The Beast is caged. It's not easy and takes some time and practice but once you got it, you got it.
I hope this makes sense to you and maybe will help. I've been watching your journey and struggle and I know you have what it takes to do this. You just have to get it sorted out in your mind and then something will click and you will be successful. It took me many tries before it clicked. I'm on day 27 and never felt better. The thought of drinking now disgusts me and the smell of beer nauseates me and I used to drink 12-15 beers a day! If I can do this you can too. Keep posting and reading, you already know there are alot of good people here who want to help...Don

[MyOwnWoman]

I Want to jump into the goal... but...

Thanks Sharyn... I have been taking it 'one day at a time', and thinking, when I get to 7 or 10 days, then I'll join in as a 30 day abs. Today I'm on day 3 again. For some reason I don't have much confidence at all that I'm going to make it through the weekend - probably that thirsty monkey in me playing tricks so I'll feed it some booze... If I can make it through the weekend, then I'll have much more confidence. But - without the confidence going into the weekend, I'm not making a commitment to stay AF - which makes it way too easy to say What the hell, and get a 6 pack. (at least lately it's just a six-pack or one bottle of wine instead of both)
Maybe maybe I really do just need to wait til he's out for a true new beginning...

[MyOwnWoman]

I Want to jump into the goal... but...

Don - thank you! That does make a lot of sense, stuff I know but need to hear. The Beast, yes, it is not me. And like you said, it has been ruling our lives for so long we forget that it isn't really us.
Thanks for the pep talk.
How many times, may I ask, did you try before your current success?
(Congrats on that, by the way!!)

[Breez]

I Want to jump into the goal... but...

Hi MOW-

One day at a time. Today I choose not to drink. Don't think about tomorrow or 7 days or 10 or 30 from today. Small goal, small plan-today will be an AF day. That's it. Short & simple. Then repeat tomorrow & the day after. Next thing you know-you've done it. Sometimes thinking too much into our overall plan on achieving our goal can sabotage it. The beginning is always baby steps.

The most I usually ever made in the past were 3 months. So when I was approaching 3 months I got nervous. So what I did was block that number - 3 months-took it out of my brain. Instead I did just what I mentioned, made it simple and just did one day at a time. Next thing I knew I passed 3 months, then 4 etc.

Hang in there, you can do it.

[Guest]

I Want to jump into the goal... but...

The only thing holding you back is yourself MOW, or at least, a part of yourself.
The Booze Beast isn`t something independent of us.........it`s just the part of our brain that teases us, much like Good Angel v Bad Angel. We can only become estranged from the Bad Angel where alcohol is concerned, through wholeheartedly committing to AF, and the more AF days we have under our belts, the greater the estrangement from the Bad Angel who tempts us to drink.

I think I know more or less where you`re coming from, as you seem to be somewhat reluctant to think that AF may well have to be forever.........it was that "terrifying" thought alone which caused me to delay quitting and opt to moderate, despite knowing in my heart- of- hearts that pigs would certainly fly, before I would ever make a long-term, successful moderate drinker. I think being able to have a drink only now and again is still perhaps your pipe-dream, just as it was mine.

However, trying and failing to moderate wasn`t going to be the end of the story for me..........I was yet left with two choices........I could carry on as before, foolishly drinking myself into an early grave, or I could quit........something of a Hobson`s Choice perhaps, but I chose to quit.

I think actually making that final decision is indeed the hardest part of quitting.......it is far easier to accept AF once the decision is firmly made, as opposed to when we are still "sitting on the fence", knowing full well that the sensible thing would be to quit, yet fiercely reluctant to do so.

Am finding AF relatively easy now, whilst being perfectly aware that my 39 days is not a huge sobriety by anyone`s standards. It`s more that I feel I have the Bad Angel licked on a daily basis, as long as I face each new day with the same level of determination as I faced the very first day. I now truly understand why so many AF people live by the "day at a time" concept. Yes, I dearly hope AF is "for keeps" for me, but can only hope to achieve that through renewing my commitment each and every day.

I am not living in some sort of AF Fantasy World........am painfully aware that I remain a wine-lover..........I have always attached some sort of "romantic illusion" to wine that I know is really all in my head. I used to think that wine allowed me to "shine".........necking a couple of generous glasses before going out on the town made me feel like a million dollars.......suddenly(half-pissed!!!) I was........ gorgeous, charming, witty, funny........Hell, I was the life and soul!!! The truth is, I may be a fraction or a great deal of any of those things. However, I am what I am, just as we all are.........alcohol doesn`t "make" us anything.

I think our reluctance to quit very much comes down to the "comfort zone" idea........many of us do seek comfort from alcohol, and it does comfort us, albeit in the short-term. I made my decision to opt for AF when I realized that alcohol only offered me cold comfort, whilst reeking havoc in so many areas of my life.

Wishing you strength for making your decision,MOW

Starlight Impress x

[MyOwnWoman]

I Want to jump into the goal... but...

Thanks Star. Yes... the comfort... during my AF days I am clearly aware of the moments when I get angry, stressed or sad about something and a part of me SCREAMS for something to take the edge off.
I'm working on using breathing techniques for that, as well as remembering that it's not the circumstance that is the problem, it's my thinking about it, then I can lighten up.
Guess I'm in practice mode.
And yes, it does SUCK to think that to be successfully AF, once I commit I must commit to never inbibing again. Arg!
Then again - I remember those 8 days sober I had a couple months ago - I had so much internal peace, and felt really good most of the time.

I'm reminded too of that line from the Nelson Mandela speech - "It is not our darkness that we fear, it is our light". (something like that)

[Chief]

I Want to jump into the goal... but...

MOW, On your question of how many times I tried to quit before success: I made a half- hearted attempt to quit or moderate for probably 10 years, but looking back, I never was really committed to it. I was just going through the motions. In my mind, I was a drunk and destined to always be a drunk. I was a cunning drunk, a smart drunk. I never had a DUI, I had a successful career, marriage, family, etc. but I knew I had a serious drinking problem. I just had everyone fooled. But I got so sick of it. I was a success at everything else in my life but a failure at being able to control my drinking. That's when I stumbled onto the MWO site. That was this past April. I managed to go a couple weeks AF and then thought I could moderate. Stupid me. The Beast told me I could moderate and I listened. So that turned into a 3 month binge of 12-15 beers a day. Then I came back here and read and posted and tried it again and didn't make it past day 3. By that point I was so pissed at myself I didn't know what to do but I kept reading posts and talking to some wonderful people here and finally I realized I had never REALLY made a committment to myself to quit drinking. I figured out this whole Beast thing and the 2 different voices we have in our heads. I then made the committment and went to battle with the Beast. That was 27 days ago and like Star said, is by no means a sobriety record, but it sure is for me. 28 days ago there was no way anyone could have convinced me that I would be here doing this.
I know this is a long winded answer to your question but just wanted to tell you my story. Hope it helps...Don

[YoungAtHeart]

I Want to jump into the goal... but...

MOW--please don't think about Forever right now. You'll drive yourself nuts! You can only do this one day at a time. Make a smaller goal for yourself. A day, then a week, then longer. I only committed to TRY for one month at a time (even though deep down, I knew I was trying for forever). At the end of one month I tried for two, and now I'm almost to three. Every once in a while I might think, "Wow, maybe I'll never drink again!", but we never know for sure. If I drank tomorrow, it wouldn't take my accomplishment away; it would just mean I would start again. And again and again, if I needed to. If I thought about forever in the beginning, I wouldn't have made it for one day. Relax honey.

Also, all you need to join 30 day abs is the DESIRE TO TRY 30 day abs. We're here for you.

:l MyOwnWoman:l

Hugs,:hug:
Kathy

[MyOwnWoman]

I Want to jump into the goal... but...

Thanks Kathy. It does seem so big to think of the long-term.

I think it's going to get a lot easier now - BF started moving out!

[Arial]

I Want to jump into the goal... but...

Hi Myownwoman - Just read your post on the 30 days BoozeBuster thread and it sounds like you've made that jump! Congratulations on your decision to just go for it - You sound incredibly determined, and maybe even more importantly, like you've just had enough - if that's the case then the time is definitely right and you will be able to find a way to make this work for you no matter what!

I also had trouble with the 'never again' idea, so I never really faced that. I just took it a day at a time and once the being AF took over, there really wasn't any question about it - I just did not want to drink - life without it was just so much better!

So welcome and good luck with your journey - jump up on the wagon and enjoy the view of life through the clarity of eyes not clouded by the fog of everything that drink brings!