Well, here it is... Preface first and then I'll post The Wedding.
I'm doing two posts for this; then you can avoid it or just avoid the 'preamble'!!
If nobody minds too much, can I write about what happened a long time ago? As a pal said to me this morning I worry too much and think too much...so this is probably really up my own bum stuff...but it is the first time I've really faced it even after years of counselling...I never dared touch this stuff about my daughter; too painful, so it's good to 'get it out' so I can move on (I hope!)
I was a very wanted baby but the only one in my family.... However, having me was like my P's had bought a plant that didn't stipulate what colour flowers it would have after 12 years. I don't know what colour they hoped for but I obviously was a different colour and it was all my fault... I grew up with, "What did we do to derserve you...?" and "Why can't you be more like x, y or z?" and "You detract from your mother..." (my dad).
I left school to 'become a concert pianist' - not a good idea: I was musical but nowhere near that standard but, of course, they had to have a 'famous' daughter, not an 'also-ran'.......... I was shut (sometimes locked - at 16 ?!?!) in a room for 8 hours a day to practise and only allowed out for lunch when I would find my mother with her head in her hands, tears dripping into the soup wailing, "...All that money on you and you're useless..."
So, I 'ran away' (at 16 ?!?!) and went to London. I met my first husband at 18 and married at 19. My parents couldn't stand him because he was 'only a gardener'.... Relatives kept turning up on the doorstep saying they were just passing and I was thrilled to see them...then they'd own up and say actually they weren't, they were there to stop this marriage that was 'killing my parents'.... Of course I was even more keen to go ahead! My first hubby was the first person to show me love, trust, belief and want me to be with him all the time.... Hmmmm. He was 32 and had been married once before but 'wife #1' hated children (and she really did!) and he wanted a cricket team (11)...
After a year or so I was (inadvertantly but she's a beautiful 'inadvertant'!) pregnant and my mother wouldn't speak to me for 6 months.... "Oh NO !!!" she said and disappeared.... Still, they came back in time for the birth and following months until it became apparent that it was because, yes, they loved their grand-daughter but they didn't think I was 'fit to look after her'. I was 'too young and useless' . My mother sent me to a psychiatrist (and my hubby didn't stop her??) to prove the point that I 'wasn't fit to look after Em'. However, he stopped be 20 minutes into the only session by putting his hand on mine and interupting with, "My dear, there's nothing wrong with you but you have a very sick mother." She was seriously unimpressed when she asked for the verdict, got that and then had to pay the huge bill!
When my daughter was 18 months old it was clear the marriage was in deep trouble - yes, I was too young (and I shudder to think about just how 'young' when I look back but that was the way it was and I can't do anything about it now. My P's had sheltered me to the extent that I was probably not 'fit' but dare I say who's fault is that...? I hope to goodness I have encouraged and supported my kids by allowing them to actually grow up). So, I was under 7 stone with stress, my daughter was upset all the time (head-banging on the edge of doors) and hubby stressed-to-betsy.
I shall never forget the next bit as long as I live even if I have had PSTD counselling on it and it is now at least writeable about - only within the last 2 years so thank you for reading (if you are)....
I put Em in her push chair and walked to the phone box in the village ( March 1980). I rang my P's and said things had got so bad and please could I come home with Em for a bit while I sorted things out? They both said that if I left John they'd never speak to me again. (The man they loathed and only tolerated out of politeness...or so they said.) Despite my continuing with my 'departure' they stuck by their guns and didn't speak to me again for 6 months. They immediately began to speak to John and drop by and see how he was doing but....me? No. I was just 22 going on 13 and desperate for support and help. If I did that to my kids I hope someone would shoot me.
The discussion John and I had were clearly not good either. I don't think it was ever that he agreed with my mother about my 'fitness' to mother Em but that he had the baby he had always wanted (and a girl too!) and absolutely nothing was going to stop hom having her with him. He threatened to take her to Canada (he already had the papers drawn up) unless I let Em stay with him. If I did that he would allow me to visit any time at all and have her stay with me once a week.
I don't agree with children being fought over unless there is an extremely good reason so I let Em go. John was (and is) a brilliant father with no 'issues' to worry about and they are soooh close.
I went to a solicitor to say what I was doing so that I didn't 'lose her' by deserting her (or did I really?) and he decided that I had 12 weeks to find somewhere to live or I woudn't be allowed to keep Em. Of course, I was in and out of bedsits and friends flats for 9 months and that was hopeless for Em and she stayed with her dad. (I had to sleep in the back of the car twice...should I have put her through that at 18 months old? I wish I had done now of course...)
It was awful. I can't say any more. Please fill in the gaps for me.
I so wonder whether I was so wrong - should I feel more guilty (if that's possible) or has it faded now through understanding a bit...? I was 22 (Em was born the day after my 21st Birthday) I still feel such resentment towards my parents, I just can't help it. They deny it all and even start banging on about things like Ward of Courts etc which really worries me in case there was more 'stuff' that I never knew about. (But I'm not digging about now - that would be daft.) I was soooh naive, told I was a useless person and a useless mother and not able to go to my own home in a time of need nor take my own (their grand-child) there. I was (am still) sooooh confused and hurt. I thought Em was far better off without me.
So, she stayed there and the wedding has brought back so many memories. As I type I can actually remember the moment I left her there in that same house that she (and my next daughter but not me!) would get changed in for her wedding. She was in the bath when I said goodbye to her. John and I had discussed it all and I went to a friend down the road.
I moved around for months always where I could be close to Em and then, out of the blue, my parents bought a second house to escape Inheritance Tax and for me to pay them rent and live in it. But it was too late to have her with me - John said he was never going to give her up and I concurred; Em was well settled with him and I didn't want to lose my little one to Canada. (No offence Hannah and co. but it's a long way away!) I still didn't feel she would do any good with me (is that really 'self-indulgent' by the way???) ....or that I would ever dare to have any more children. I was indeed blessed some years later!
John re-married again when Em was 7 and Judy has been a great step-mom. By her mid-teens Em was calling her Mum as well and, sad as I was, I was happy for Em. That's been the only thing that's mattered all these years - her happiness. Never at the expense of a good, sound upbringing (manners and respect etc) but she should never have to suffer for her grandparent's weirdness or my discomfort. It was never her fault. And she's always seen me as her real mum and we've had a great, great relationship. As she has with her half brother and sister. And her grand-parents although I still don't know if she really knows everything. Sounds daft but I still didn't want to slag off relatives she loved...I just said her Dad didn't want to let her go. I am truly blessed with an amazing daughter with a huge heart.
My parents helped financially with her education, moaning when John asked for more but always giving in...however, I would frequently find that my P's and John and Judy (and sometimes even my uncle) had got together for a meal or something to discuss something about/with Em but I was never included.... I found out about it much later: maybe when Em said something. It hurt soooh much. I didn't have any money so wasn't needed was their excuse...?!? I broke up with them so many times over this but it never made any difference so... Even when I asked to be there was always the, "Well, I don't think we need you there..."
This 'plant with the wrong colour flowers' had turned into such a disappointment they just threw everything into their eldest grand-daughter who could do no wrong (and hasn't). And still do - they throw money at the younger two as well but don't speak to them unless we visit or know anything about them (except their school grades of course as if that's really them!) and they don't know their grand-parents. It's so sad. At the wedding they were just polite like to strangers and my other two 'kids' couldn't make any conversation. They're hurt too...
So, there you are.
Thanks for reading if you have...it's helped so much to get it down on 'paper'. It's the first time ever. I know it's safe here. I don't know what I'll do with this constant 'pain in the chest' but I wont drink on it I know that. My parents are not having any more of my soul and that's what it would feel like! I would have been seriously in a bad way if the wedding had been six months ago - big time. I wouldn't have known how to cope with it sober but now I don't know how I would have coped with it with even a glass of wine let alone a bottle of brandy! Thanks to MWO...and you guys....
The Wedding will be far more fun to read (I hope!) and I'll make a joke of certain things coz I have to but after this...maybe you'll be able to help me see where I'm 'suffering from attachment' ...!
It was the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to (even though I'm obviously biased!) and that's what matters coz it was their day and it is their life. I sooooh wish them well.
Thanks from the bottom of my heart for letting me post this - whatever you 'do' with it.... It's been really hard and I feel rather sick...but now I'm not running to the port and brandy settler. I'm sticking with the feeling and trying not to get embroiled in it....this too shall pass and worse things happen at sea and all that!
I'm doing two posts for this; then you can avoid it or just avoid the 'preamble'!!
If nobody minds too much, can I write about what happened a long time ago? As a pal said to me this morning I worry too much and think too much...so this is probably really up my own bum stuff...but it is the first time I've really faced it even after years of counselling...I never dared touch this stuff about my daughter; too painful, so it's good to 'get it out' so I can move on (I hope!)
I was a very wanted baby but the only one in my family.... However, having me was like my P's had bought a plant that didn't stipulate what colour flowers it would have after 12 years. I don't know what colour they hoped for but I obviously was a different colour and it was all my fault... I grew up with, "What did we do to derserve you...?" and "Why can't you be more like x, y or z?" and "You detract from your mother..." (my dad).
I left school to 'become a concert pianist' - not a good idea: I was musical but nowhere near that standard but, of course, they had to have a 'famous' daughter, not an 'also-ran'.......... I was shut (sometimes locked - at 16 ?!?!) in a room for 8 hours a day to practise and only allowed out for lunch when I would find my mother with her head in her hands, tears dripping into the soup wailing, "...All that money on you and you're useless..."
So, I 'ran away' (at 16 ?!?!) and went to London. I met my first husband at 18 and married at 19. My parents couldn't stand him because he was 'only a gardener'.... Relatives kept turning up on the doorstep saying they were just passing and I was thrilled to see them...then they'd own up and say actually they weren't, they were there to stop this marriage that was 'killing my parents'.... Of course I was even more keen to go ahead! My first hubby was the first person to show me love, trust, belief and want me to be with him all the time.... Hmmmm. He was 32 and had been married once before but 'wife #1' hated children (and she really did!) and he wanted a cricket team (11)...
After a year or so I was (inadvertantly but she's a beautiful 'inadvertant'!) pregnant and my mother wouldn't speak to me for 6 months.... "Oh NO !!!" she said and disappeared.... Still, they came back in time for the birth and following months until it became apparent that it was because, yes, they loved their grand-daughter but they didn't think I was 'fit to look after her'. I was 'too young and useless' . My mother sent me to a psychiatrist (and my hubby didn't stop her??) to prove the point that I 'wasn't fit to look after Em'. However, he stopped be 20 minutes into the only session by putting his hand on mine and interupting with, "My dear, there's nothing wrong with you but you have a very sick mother." She was seriously unimpressed when she asked for the verdict, got that and then had to pay the huge bill!
When my daughter was 18 months old it was clear the marriage was in deep trouble - yes, I was too young (and I shudder to think about just how 'young' when I look back but that was the way it was and I can't do anything about it now. My P's had sheltered me to the extent that I was probably not 'fit' but dare I say who's fault is that...? I hope to goodness I have encouraged and supported my kids by allowing them to actually grow up). So, I was under 7 stone with stress, my daughter was upset all the time (head-banging on the edge of doors) and hubby stressed-to-betsy.
I shall never forget the next bit as long as I live even if I have had PSTD counselling on it and it is now at least writeable about - only within the last 2 years so thank you for reading (if you are)....
I put Em in her push chair and walked to the phone box in the village ( March 1980). I rang my P's and said things had got so bad and please could I come home with Em for a bit while I sorted things out? They both said that if I left John they'd never speak to me again. (The man they loathed and only tolerated out of politeness...or so they said.) Despite my continuing with my 'departure' they stuck by their guns and didn't speak to me again for 6 months. They immediately began to speak to John and drop by and see how he was doing but....me? No. I was just 22 going on 13 and desperate for support and help. If I did that to my kids I hope someone would shoot me.
The discussion John and I had were clearly not good either. I don't think it was ever that he agreed with my mother about my 'fitness' to mother Em but that he had the baby he had always wanted (and a girl too!) and absolutely nothing was going to stop hom having her with him. He threatened to take her to Canada (he already had the papers drawn up) unless I let Em stay with him. If I did that he would allow me to visit any time at all and have her stay with me once a week.
I don't agree with children being fought over unless there is an extremely good reason so I let Em go. John was (and is) a brilliant father with no 'issues' to worry about and they are soooh close.
I went to a solicitor to say what I was doing so that I didn't 'lose her' by deserting her (or did I really?) and he decided that I had 12 weeks to find somewhere to live or I woudn't be allowed to keep Em. Of course, I was in and out of bedsits and friends flats for 9 months and that was hopeless for Em and she stayed with her dad. (I had to sleep in the back of the car twice...should I have put her through that at 18 months old? I wish I had done now of course...)
It was awful. I can't say any more. Please fill in the gaps for me.
I so wonder whether I was so wrong - should I feel more guilty (if that's possible) or has it faded now through understanding a bit...? I was 22 (Em was born the day after my 21st Birthday) I still feel such resentment towards my parents, I just can't help it. They deny it all and even start banging on about things like Ward of Courts etc which really worries me in case there was more 'stuff' that I never knew about. (But I'm not digging about now - that would be daft.) I was soooh naive, told I was a useless person and a useless mother and not able to go to my own home in a time of need nor take my own (their grand-child) there. I was (am still) sooooh confused and hurt. I thought Em was far better off without me.
So, she stayed there and the wedding has brought back so many memories. As I type I can actually remember the moment I left her there in that same house that she (and my next daughter but not me!) would get changed in for her wedding. She was in the bath when I said goodbye to her. John and I had discussed it all and I went to a friend down the road.
I moved around for months always where I could be close to Em and then, out of the blue, my parents bought a second house to escape Inheritance Tax and for me to pay them rent and live in it. But it was too late to have her with me - John said he was never going to give her up and I concurred; Em was well settled with him and I didn't want to lose my little one to Canada. (No offence Hannah and co. but it's a long way away!) I still didn't feel she would do any good with me (is that really 'self-indulgent' by the way???) ....or that I would ever dare to have any more children. I was indeed blessed some years later!
John re-married again when Em was 7 and Judy has been a great step-mom. By her mid-teens Em was calling her Mum as well and, sad as I was, I was happy for Em. That's been the only thing that's mattered all these years - her happiness. Never at the expense of a good, sound upbringing (manners and respect etc) but she should never have to suffer for her grandparent's weirdness or my discomfort. It was never her fault. And she's always seen me as her real mum and we've had a great, great relationship. As she has with her half brother and sister. And her grand-parents although I still don't know if she really knows everything. Sounds daft but I still didn't want to slag off relatives she loved...I just said her Dad didn't want to let her go. I am truly blessed with an amazing daughter with a huge heart.
My parents helped financially with her education, moaning when John asked for more but always giving in...however, I would frequently find that my P's and John and Judy (and sometimes even my uncle) had got together for a meal or something to discuss something about/with Em but I was never included.... I found out about it much later: maybe when Em said something. It hurt soooh much. I didn't have any money so wasn't needed was their excuse...?!? I broke up with them so many times over this but it never made any difference so... Even when I asked to be there was always the, "Well, I don't think we need you there..."
This 'plant with the wrong colour flowers' had turned into such a disappointment they just threw everything into their eldest grand-daughter who could do no wrong (and hasn't). And still do - they throw money at the younger two as well but don't speak to them unless we visit or know anything about them (except their school grades of course as if that's really them!) and they don't know their grand-parents. It's so sad. At the wedding they were just polite like to strangers and my other two 'kids' couldn't make any conversation. They're hurt too...
So, there you are.
Thanks for reading if you have...it's helped so much to get it down on 'paper'. It's the first time ever. I know it's safe here. I don't know what I'll do with this constant 'pain in the chest' but I wont drink on it I know that. My parents are not having any more of my soul and that's what it would feel like! I would have been seriously in a bad way if the wedding had been six months ago - big time. I wouldn't have known how to cope with it sober but now I don't know how I would have coped with it with even a glass of wine let alone a bottle of brandy! Thanks to MWO...and you guys....
The Wedding will be far more fun to read (I hope!) and I'll make a joke of certain things coz I have to but after this...maybe you'll be able to help me see where I'm 'suffering from attachment' ...!
It was the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to (even though I'm obviously biased!) and that's what matters coz it was their day and it is their life. I sooooh wish them well.
Thanks from the bottom of my heart for letting me post this - whatever you 'do' with it.... It's been really hard and I feel rather sick...but now I'm not running to the port and brandy settler. I'm sticking with the feeling and trying not to get embroiled in it....this too shall pass and worse things happen at sea and all that!
c: :heart:
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