Thurs~Oct. 11

[Finding My Self]

Thurs~Oct. 11

Hi everyone.... just to say that yes, I too am struggling with just staying with anxious feelings.... about first year/grade school at it so far.... does it ever get better if you start as late as 50?!? I am truly startled at just how nervous and sensitive I am! Really struggling here to keep the confidence up... the water is just under my nose...I keep smiling but it's such an act.
Just about everything hurts - physically and mentally - I feel completely unprotected...

Love to you all.
FMF xx

[Cinders]

Thurs~Oct. 11

FMF,

I am blue for you!! It sounds like you are going through a rough patch, girl.

Remember, you numbed all those feelings with alcohol and are now having to face them head on. (I have the same issue, sweetie!!)

Yes, it will get better because you will learn how to deal with those feelings.

I am going to tell you a story that might bring this into focus for you.

Back in 1974 my mom had a radical mastectomy. Back in those days they just hacked away without regard to a woman's feelings about her body.. (argghh)

So, here she was, dealing with having cancer and dealing with being literally mutilated!! (Again, there were no provisions at the time for reconstruction, nothing!!)

This is a beautiful woman even at 83 she has style you cannot believe!!! She modeled when she was younger and had pinned a lot of her life on her beauty. (no comments, it happens, especially back then) and felt like my dad could never possibly want her again!! (Not true, he loved and loves her beyond anything else in life but it is a person's internal perceptions that matter, heh?)

My then boyfriend, actually helped dress her wound on occasion. (Can you believe that??) Because it was a bad incision and required a long time to heal and lots of care. Sometimes he was the only one around and GOD BLESS HIM, he did it without flinching.

One day he walked into the bedroom to check on her and saw her taking some Valium. The doctor's back in those days prescribed them like candy. This boyfriend, the love of my life, took the bottle of pills out of her hand, walked to the toilet and upended the pills into the toilet and flushed them. He then told her, "Ginny, I know this is hard and this is scary but do NOT let the quacks turn you into a drug addict. You can deal with this, it is hard, but it is a part of life."

My mom was so angry with him at the time; however, she never took another pill.

On our 30th Wedding Anniversary, my mom actually wrote up the story of that day and how to this day she is so indebted to my husband. She realizes that relying on the Valium would have made her like so many women of the day, an addict to a drug that lets people avoid the real issues in life and not face them head on. She wrote to my husband that he saved her life and her sanity and she will always love him because of his caring enough to to take her on.

Now, please do not misunderstand what I am saying. I do believe Valium and Xanax and those drugs have a perfectly valid place at times. But they are a short term therapy at best to get us over times of extreme stress.

But, just like alcohol, the long term usage makes our brains forget how to deal with the normal everyday stresses we must face.

So, long winded and I hope I did not lose the jist of this post. Yes, over time you will learn how to naturally deal with the everyday stresses and anxieties in life. They will not go away, you will just learn how to deal with them appropriately.

I very much wish my husband had "seen" my alcohol problem coming and done the same as he did with my mom, but on the other hand, I doubt I would have let him pour my wine out. I am a bit more independent than my mom and sometimes that is not a good thing.

I hope this helps in some way, FMF. You are such an amazing woman, an amazing person and I can't wait to read what you have to say every day. Your life will get better, I PROMISE, because you have such a spirit!!

Love,
Cindi

[Guest]

Thurs~Oct. 11

FMF,
I know you`ll hold dearly to your AF.........yes, the anxiety and depression we are experiencing sucks, but nothing on earth is as priceless as knowing we are sober.
We`ll weather the storms and remain sober, `cos we`re all going to be truly well in the end...........I believe that now with all my heart.

Thinking of you.:l

Starlight Impress x

[retteacher]

Thurs~Oct. 11

Cindi: Gosh! What a story about your mother! I read every word of it. I'll think about it every time I want to numb out a feeling or issue or conflict that I don't particularly like. I'm taking baby steps toward dealing w/life as it comes up in all its complications & convolutions.

Your husband sounds like a real gem.

Love, Mary

[Cinders]

Thurs~Oct. 11

Mary,

He is. I can't say anymore.

Sometimes I want to kill him but I have never wanted to leave him. :H

I hope I can stay sober for me but he loves it, too. He so much enjoys the nights snuggled up together in bed watching tv and talking. When I was drunk, I passed out and missed all that, and so did he.

I married well. Thank You God!!

Love,
Cindi

ps. As I wrote that post to FMF, I realized why he is going back to school to get an RN at 56. He should have done that the first time around. Don't you wish you had him as a nurse when you were in the hospital? A 20 year old man dressing a girlfriend's mom's mastrectomy wound. Geez. How special is that??

[Finding My Self]

Thurs~Oct. 11

Dear Cindi and S..... :upset: :upset: but thank you so much.... I feel very lucky to have people who care so much about me (and each other) on this place....

Yea, just a bit down at the mo....it's my 50th on the 23rd of this month...less than two weeks. My eldest daughter was sorting out tickets to a home footy match they would be going to (Charlton fans) that night ....that's the lastI heard at their wedding but much was made of it by them and at least we'd have all been together for the evening... (not exactly my choice of venue but...live matches can be fun!) But time has gone on and on and when I texted her a few days ago (she never answers her phone) to see what the 'plans and bed arrangements were' she said she had no idea what I was talking about. It's her birthday the day after (she was a pretty amazing (!) 21st present for me! Just a hell of a way to spend it - in labour!) and jsut said she would let me know what she wanted after I asked her. I have been wondering whether they were sorting a 'surprise' (which they've done before) which I really don't expect but you know....50 and all that...so I didn't want to be awkward and 'pry'...but I have to know; three of us going 300 miles for a couple of nights with nowhere to stay and 10 days to go sort of thing... My middle daughter assures me there's nothing 'happening' but wants to know herself because she has to get days off college to go.... and after another more blunt "what's happening about the football and birthday?" message to elder d. this morning I've still heard absolutely nothing.... and I'm jsut a bit hurt... I want to do something special (well, just something!) for that day (and see my daughter for her birthday too!) and now I don't know what to do.

I've been 'pro-acting' on the web to see about getting the 3 of us to Ireland for 24 hours instead if elder d. is, well, what?!.... it looks possible but costly... (it's my 'home' country - ship builders in Dublin - but I've never been. It's my dream. Be a good place to wake up on my 50th?!) Funny to realise that another country is closer and cheaper to get to than my home county east of here! (We have a little airport at Newquay on the north coast 25 minutes from here that flies to Ireland.)

Anuway, it's kept my mind off what might or might not happen....I don't like feeling pissed off at my daughter but I have to admit I am....and I feel bad about that.

Sorry, it's just I feel like I'll never get out of Cornwall again on top of everything else. WHatwith my parents not wanting me to visit and... (of course, they've said nothing about the b.day either!)

But, Cindi - your story keeps things in perspective as do so many other stories here at MWO...and I am so grateful for your words...and S.... (I wish we Brits/Scots could use your name!!) you too.... I don't kow what I would do without my friends here. (And no, I don't take Valium any more!! Run out and not getting anymore!)

I am sure my daughter will ring and then I'll just feel a spoilt brat for worrying....but what if she doesn't? Will I even see her on the day? I don't think anyone realises just how hard it is to get 3 people bedded and travelled (why was I so stupid as to lose my licence...? July next year before....) to 'home'.... they're so welcome here but going there seems to be nigh on impossible unless I pay out a fortune for hotels...

Thanks for letting me vent this evening's poo..... it's helped a bit.

Love to everyone. I am still thinking about all the 'stuff' eveyone's got going on. And grateful for the good things in my life.

FMF xx

[Finding My Self]

Thurs~Oct. 11

And Cindi - I am soooh happy for you having that lovely hubby of yours!! He sounds a real gem!

[Finding My Self]

Thurs~Oct. 11

AND my son is soooh looking forward to the footy even if Charlton are playing his team (Plymouth Argyle)and he'd have to keep very quiet in the stands!) I'll murder elder d. if she's let him down...

[Finding My Self]

Thurs~Oct. 11

Ooops.Sorry. Thread killer! That was terribly spoilt wasn't it...what a child! I once felt my cousin (just 50 too) was going on 50 acting 5...p'raps it goes with the territory of middle age crisis!! It was two weeks before his 50th too, that I felt it!. I apologise.

Hope everyone's doing ok...I really do.

Love and hugs to all
FMF xx

[paula]

Thurs~Oct. 11

Hi FMF, hope your travel plans go well. Don't worry about the mid life crisis, I have them regularly! I do agree with Cindi re. drugs i.e. valium etc. good for short term occasional
use, I see people who have been prescribed them for years, and have to be weaned off
gradually, we should all be aware how addictive these drugs can be, especially to alcoholics.
Paula.x

[paula]

Thurs~Oct. 11

Hi and welcome wonderworld. It would be more beneficial to take your doctors advice
re. use of campral. I also tried AA, and feel the same as you about it. Try the supps, read the book, and keep on posting on here to take your mind of drinking. Whatever you do
good luck, you can do it.
Paula.