DG!!!! You're back!! I am so proud of you for coming back and I love you so much for sharing all you have shared over the past few days. I didn't see it until this morning. Well, here is a bit of my latest story...
I left for my retreat the end of September with almost 30 days under my belt (I think I gave in at 24), but the Beast got me. I guess with the fire, hurting myself, having to move, etc..it was too much. I wasn't prepared. I know now I have to diffuse those situations and actually talk about them one at a time so it doesn't pile up into one big pile of POO.. Cuz Big piles of POO are just too hard to pick up. So, I have decided that I will just pick up the little ones one, by one, each day, just that day, and then it won't pile up on me again. (that means meditation for me each morning - and a new practice called feeding the demons)
Since my return from vacation on October 3rd, I had been trying to MOD, I thought successfully, and in all appearances, I was. No more than 3 glasses of wine in the evening on any given day. Anyway, it looked good on paper, but in my heart of hearts I know it was taking EVERYTHING in my willpower (drainingly so) to keep to that. It was also starting to consume my thoughts during the day (can't wait to get home and have a glass of wine). Too scary... Nevertheless up until Sunday past, I wasn't sure where I wanted to be. Should I stay and try to find the support in MODS, or should I go AF and just let it go. No matter how hard I tried, it still felt like it had a "hold" on me, and that didn't feel good.
So, back to AF I go. I was on day 4 last night and blew it. My husband is leaving for a while to go back east to a family funeral/reunion and opened a bottle of wine so we could sit and chat.. My mistake was I hadn't told him I was not drinking again, so it was too easy for me to say, sure.. The little one was in bed and we hadn't had time to even say hi to each other this week, so it was nice. I DO know that we also can do this when I don't have wine - he is not a big drinker, so if he knew I wasn't drinking he would have made a pot of coffee.. BIG LESSON - I have to tell him I am not drinking again TODAY so I don't have that "out". He is very supportive (however, he has admitted he wishes I could drink normally, but it does worry him when I drink - could I slip back to my old ways?). So, I just have to tell him I am not comfortable with it again and he will be there - I feel very lucky for having him in my life.
SO, DG.. November first sounds like a good day to me - how about you!!! I will start again. Feeling much more confident today than I did last Sunday. I have to think.. maybe I subconsciously didn't tell my husband for a reason ? I know it was not intentional, but I have to fess up to that thought.. No more of that! I have a support team (at home and here) and I need to use it!
I am going to light up my little stars in my signature as I hit my first goal of 30 days AF. This time I really mean it - I want to do this - I have to do this!!
So glad you are back - you are a big inspiration to me. It's not about how many times we fall.. it's about how many times we get up.. and they do get easier and easier. :h
Namaste,
MM
I left for my retreat the end of September with almost 30 days under my belt (I think I gave in at 24), but the Beast got me. I guess with the fire, hurting myself, having to move, etc..it was too much. I wasn't prepared. I know now I have to diffuse those situations and actually talk about them one at a time so it doesn't pile up into one big pile of POO.. Cuz Big piles of POO are just too hard to pick up. So, I have decided that I will just pick up the little ones one, by one, each day, just that day, and then it won't pile up on me again. (that means meditation for me each morning - and a new practice called feeding the demons)
Since my return from vacation on October 3rd, I had been trying to MOD, I thought successfully, and in all appearances, I was. No more than 3 glasses of wine in the evening on any given day. Anyway, it looked good on paper, but in my heart of hearts I know it was taking EVERYTHING in my willpower (drainingly so) to keep to that. It was also starting to consume my thoughts during the day (can't wait to get home and have a glass of wine). Too scary... Nevertheless up until Sunday past, I wasn't sure where I wanted to be. Should I stay and try to find the support in MODS, or should I go AF and just let it go. No matter how hard I tried, it still felt like it had a "hold" on me, and that didn't feel good.
So, back to AF I go. I was on day 4 last night and blew it. My husband is leaving for a while to go back east to a family funeral/reunion and opened a bottle of wine so we could sit and chat.. My mistake was I hadn't told him I was not drinking again, so it was too easy for me to say, sure.. The little one was in bed and we hadn't had time to even say hi to each other this week, so it was nice. I DO know that we also can do this when I don't have wine - he is not a big drinker, so if he knew I wasn't drinking he would have made a pot of coffee.. BIG LESSON - I have to tell him I am not drinking again TODAY so I don't have that "out". He is very supportive (however, he has admitted he wishes I could drink normally, but it does worry him when I drink - could I slip back to my old ways?). So, I just have to tell him I am not comfortable with it again and he will be there - I feel very lucky for having him in my life.
SO, DG.. November first sounds like a good day to me - how about you!!! I will start again. Feeling much more confident today than I did last Sunday. I have to think.. maybe I subconsciously didn't tell my husband for a reason ? I know it was not intentional, but I have to fess up to that thought.. No more of that! I have a support team (at home and here) and I need to use it!
I am going to light up my little stars in my signature as I hit my first goal of 30 days AF. This time I really mean it - I want to do this - I have to do this!!
So glad you are back - you are a big inspiration to me. It's not about how many times we fall.. it's about how many times we get up.. and they do get easier and easier. :h
Namaste,
MM
c: :heart:
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