My 31st day decision...

[meditation mama]

Today I woke up and like most people at this point I wondered what I would do on December 1st, after November was over. Am I starting something new? Is this the begining of my new life - that is too scary for me to say today. I know that I cannot Moderate, I just can't. But, I am not feeling like I can just keep counting days. I am too new at this. I say day 31 and it doesn't fit - it scared me today.. I am not sure why. I have to sit with this... But, I do know that I don't feel like I am a non drinker yet. My mind has not caught up to this, and I know I cannot push it. Nor, can I pretend that I am feeling stronger than I am. This would be very dangerous for me. I wish I could say I was ON MY WAY - but I am not ready to fly out of the nest yet. I am vulnerable..

So, guess what.. I have decided to keep doing 30 day stints until I feel stronger! For some reason these short term goals seem managable. When I look into the future without drinking it still scares me. It feels like the abyss. So, for now, I will be the 30-DAY GIRL for as many 30 days as it takes for me to feel ready to fly. One day I will say day 31 (may it be my 121st day, or whatever), but for today I will take it one month a time. I guess that is a step up from one day at a time..

Plus I get a personal party at the end of every 30 days, right! :H I LOVE the spotlight! JUST KIDDING!

Thank you all for being here - Here is to an AF December!!!!!!!

Namaste, my friends..

MM

[go2goal]

My 31st day decision...

Med Mama -

So heart-gut-soul real, what you are feeling. I hear ya, my brain is right there. Thank you for putting your words to my thoughts - lol. Actually, the abyss is too scary and you are breaking it into to manageable parts - a very sane approach to problem solving, they tell me.

Have a great day and see you round the tree.

Go2Goal

(Hope I didn't freak you with my post on your celebration yesterday)

[meditation mama]

My 31st day decision...

g2g - you are TOO funny! No, you didn't FREAK me out - I am too much of a FREAK to be FREAKED OUT!

[rob]

My 31st day decision...

Oh MM-Don't tell but your post brought tears to my eyes!!

At first I thought it was the big GOOD BYE. I was so relieved that that was not the case. As I read on, I got a flash of insight.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I STOPPED COUNTING DAYS!!

I realize that there is no rational explaination for it, but as those numbers got closer to 60, I just got really shaky and nervous about being able to maintain. Isn't that crazy? Makes no sense whatsoever. Simple solution, I quit counting. I did know that I was one day behind Chief, so if for some reason I needed to know I could just ask him. Pressure off.

I think that counting the first thirty days is really important because it makes us aware that we can set a goal and achieve it. And for many of us 30 days is a huge AF stretch, perhaps the longest in many years.

And for those who feel a sense of accomplishement as the days build, good for you!! My philosophy is DO WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU.

MM- I love, love, love your solution and am looking forward to many 30 day celebrations with you.

Love and Peace
Rob Attached files [img]/converted_files/377178=2318-attachment.jpg[/img]

[slightlysuze]

My 31st day decision...

What a timely thread! I've been thinking about stopping the counting....I can barely remember the numbers anyway and have to check my diary or the shout-outs here.

I had a thought for a mid-way sort of alternative. What about a lovely glass vase (or even a bottle) that you put a small stone into at the end of each AF day? It would build up into a pretty collection if you have access to different sorts.....or even just gravel might look good. Just a thought! (I guess you could count out the 30 stones first and have them in a saucer or something...and just transfer them over each night before you go to bed....)

Suze x

[me145]

My 31st day decision...

you are so brilliant and wise. i had the same feelings as you doing this. but it probably gets easier with time. keep up the good work.

[meditation mama]

My 31st day decision...

Thank you all for your kind words! When I wrote I thought you guys might think I am NUTS! Well, that part is true, but you know what I mean..

I thought about just not counting, but I am a goal girl. I have to have short, easy to acheive goals, then I will fight like hell to make them. Bigger goals are just too much for me right now. Maybe it is just that I have so much going on in my life right now and another 30 days will help me to get through the holidays.

But whatever the case, this is what works for me...

Thank you again, my friends!

MM

[Chief]

My 31st day decision...

Great plan, MM!

[Finding My Self]

My 31st day decision...

MM, good on you!

Speaking from 'The Abyss'....it's OK...it's not like an abyss when you're in it...it's a great place where ODAT just happens...no counting, just, "Today I want to Feel as Good as Yesterday and Tomorrow to Feel Like That Too".... It looked HUGE and dark and horrible back a while...now, funnily enough, it feels light and airy and warm...I'd like to stay here!!

Come on in, The Abyss is lovely!!!

Hugs FMS xx

You've done so well....and if seeing in another 30 days does it for you - wey hey!!! Brill; can't wait for another party for you!!

[Guest]

My 31st day decision...

MM, I think whatever works for you is great. If you want to do month at a time that is fine with everyone. People are free here to do whatever works for them, afterall it is their life and their sobriety. Freedom and Responsibility go hand in hand.

[indigosky]

My 31st day decision...

Hello everyone,
Sorry I haven't written in a bit but I have been sick with a bad head cold. I also am mending my wounds (emotional that is from my ruined family trip to KY) and had my wallet with credit cards, drivers license, spare car keys, social security card etc... stolen. I called and had the credit card situation taken care of right away but haven't gotten through to social security yet so hopefully my identity hasn't been stolen. I wonder if I can get through to them on a Saturday...I better try.

Got alot done today with my paperwork. I got a letter from my sister yesterday telling me that she is hoping I want to mend our differences. I wrote her back...of course I do. She is my sister there isn't anything they could do or say that would keep me feeling mad at them forever...life is too short for that kind of nonsense you know? What good does it do us anyway to carry that kind of poison around with us through life? It causes us to look for things to ease the pain we feel inside like drugs and alcohol and too much food etc....any number of over indulgences.

I finally finished a letter to my 21 yr old son who wanted to know the "truth" about how I had lost Michaela (his sister) which I had already told him previously. He told me that he wouldn't hold it against me but had heard different versions and wanted to know the truth. Well I enlightened him with all the details along with the newest things going on. I also asked him to please not share any of this information with Michaelas father since I don't want them having any more ammunition than neccesary. May be it's not wise to be airing my dirty laundry on the internet but I somehow don't get the feeling that he will be utilizing any support groups. According to them ,they don't have the internet but maybe friends do. Oh well...who cares anyway. I haven't said anything that isn't true. What can they do to me anyway...they've done the worst.

I have an appointment with the local community college to go back to school. I decided to go for Occupational Therapy. Hope it works out and I can get a grant or loan that I can pay off after I graduate. I also applied for a job as a peer councelor to help people with disabilities do stuff like figure out how to take public transportation, fill out complicated forms, plan healthy menus, cook, deal with difficult people(a subject I'm beginning to have some level of expertise with unfortunately:upset: ) and whatever they need. There is paid training and I do alot of this sort of thing for my neighbors anyway so why not get paid??

Anyway...that's about it for now. Got my daughters Christmas stuff all wrapped and ready to send just have to wait for some money to buy stamps(they were in my wallet). I carry entirely too much stuff around with me in my wallet.

Congratulations MM on your AF landmark. Hope everyone has a nice weekend. I am going to try and wind down a bit...maybe I've hit the caffeine just a wee bit too hard today. I don't really feel speedy actually I am pretty tired just kind of hopping from one thing to the next. So long for now..... :h

[Doggygirl]

My 31st day decision...

MM, I think your plan sounds terrific! The most important thing is that you thought it through to come up with an approach that is realistic, and a good fit for YOU! You go girl! I hope to be at many of your 30 day celebrations!

Indigo, I'm sorry to hear that something went wrong on your family trip. I'm glad to hear about your consideration of going back to school, and the possibility of a job that you sound well qualified for and interested in! Hope to catch up with you more later!

As far as counting goes, the best thing I can personally relate to is my success quitting smoking. Counting the days was key for me - and EXACT measure of what I would be giving up if I ever take just one puff. I suppose that approach was solidifed by my previous attempt at quitting smoking, which was 15 years ago. After 6 month, with the most gruesome part of quitting smoking behind me, I thought I could take one puff. You know how that story went. The interesting thing for me is that I kept on counting until I lost count. LOL, the only reason that I know right now that I am on day 278 of being an ex-smoker is that I get an e-mail from Quitnet.com every day with my stats, that I've never bothered to cancel. I of course recognize each monthly anniversary, and will surely never forget to count the years as time goes by. I suspect that quitting drinking will be the same. So I plan to just keep counting until I forget to count. All this just illustrates that different things work for different people - and that's the beauty of MWO is the recognition of that, and the encouragement to figure out what formula works individually.

Anyway, sorry for more rambling - I guess I'm keeping my hands and mind busy today here at the life line!!

DG

[FinallyRN]

My 31st day decision...

Meditation Mama,
I love what you wrote!
AA said it takes 30 days to make a habit, when I reached 30 days I thought that was it.............I was patting myself on the back, high 5-ing everyone, then I went home...........now what? I never felt so alone. I think I thought I was going to change in some way. Thanks for articulating it so well