I crashed.....

[meditation mama]

I don't even know what to say, except I just crashed. I went out last night to this big party and to my amazement, it was a huge drinking party. I thought it was going to be a non-drinking party, one in which I have been to for the past 7 years. And there they were, a whole table of our best and most adequate drinking friends - drinking, and drinking a lot - every one of them. I am so absolutely amazed by my inability to say no that today I am scared as hell. I feel so defeated, deflated and utterly ashamed of myself for drinking. I am not suprised, I think I walked right into it.. I have been feeling very vulnerable lately. I made appointments with my therapist and accupuncturist for next week, why couldn't I make it on my own? I am really afraid I can't do this, but I know I must. I know I don't want to moderate, that is something I am absolutely not interested in doing. I don't like myself when I drink and I love myself when I don't, so you would think it was a no-brainer. I have been so tired, working way to much, not meditating, not exercising - everything that I should be doing to keep my mind in check. I could balme it on stress, but I have been under more stress in my life, so I won't let that be an excuse. The bottom line is that quitting is hard - harder than I thought it was going to be. But I want to do it, I have to do it. I DO NOT WANT TO DRINK. And I have to be honest about it. I had to tell you. I have to be accountable right now or I would continue to drink. I will not allow that. I will not drink today and I will jump right back into the saddle, no staying down, not even for a second. One night, that's all Al gets - bastard! I am determinded to do this, I am just very angry and disappointed in myself that I fell off my path.

I wish I knew what the magic way was. The easy path. I guess I am meant to learn something by this - I will meditate. I need your help. my friends. I can't do this alone right now. I am very sad and apologize for anyone I have let down.

Sorry, Chief.

a very sad MM

[sammys]

I crashed.....

Hi honey, I know exactly how you feel. I to am still figuring things out at times and have my what I call slips. It is not easy, but we are in this together and when you let yourself down like this it does really take a toll the next day.

I am here for you and you do not have to apologize to anyone.
Feel Better OK you are a good person, with faults like alot of us.

Sammys

[Guest]

I crashed.....

Hi MM,
It sucks, but all our past failings tell us that there is no "magic way", no "easy path". I think you more or less walked into an Aladdin`s Cave and got caught up in the moment. You didn`t expect it to be a drinking party and, like you say, many of your ex-drinking buddies were there knocking it back goodstyle...........you didn`t have the opportunity to prepare yourself for the occasion and you got caught short as a result.

You`ve been doing great and I love to hear the feisty attitude you have today.........says you`ll get where you want to be. No need for apologies.........we all know first-hand just how difficult a road this is to travel. :l

Much love,

Starlight Impress x

[go2goal]

I crashed.....

MedMa -

While you were writing this, I was posting in the daily - more thinking along these lines. I hate that we have to think of one nite, one glass, one anything as a slip, failure, or blip of any kind - these moments are part of the whole thing called our stories. But I know if I drink, and didn't plan to, I'd be feeling just as you do. I wrote about being so unsure to even think about, when, if, and never.....its just crazy-making.

So, last night is just part of your story - it can't be bad, sad, mad....it just was and is. You can absorb it some other way - you will gain something, you will be taller, you will be changed, you are OK. Take a nice long warm soak and listen to that crazy Hypno tape about the river taking the negatives away and let the sunshine of this moment breathe its light into your core. You are brave and honest - thank you - it helps all of us.

You have been and still are and will be an inspiration. How's that bedroom set, anyway?:flower:

Go2Goal

[cuckoosnest83]

I crashed.....

MM, please do not be too hard on yourself. According to your post you were thinking it was going to be a non-drinking party so I think you were somewhat blindsided and unprepared. You have the absolute best attitude on getting right back in the saddle.

Cuckoo

[meditation mama]

I crashed.....

go2goal;235328 wrote: let the sunshine of this moment breathe its light into your core.

That is beautiful. Thank you.

Thank you everyone. I wish I felt better and could jump in with some witty, happy little diddy, but I just don't have it in me today.

I do love you all.. thank you for being here. Just knowing that allows me to sit with this in confidence, as hard as it is.

xoxoox

[lucky 2.0]

I crashed.....

MM- This is about you, not about letting anyone else down. It is a new day and live in the new moment. Always look forward, not backward.

xoxo

[lushy]

I crashed.....

Focus on all the days you have reached your goals. The more you focus on those, the more they will happen. That I am sure of.

[Finding My Self]

I crashed.....

And here we will be for you MM.....and, you know.....you're disappointed and a bit frightened about how things just sometimes happen..........which is NOT anything to beat yourself up about. If anyone 'does their best' here it is you. You have let no one down...and if anyone wants to 'take on that mantle'.....hmmm? (Not saying you, dear Don!!!) We're all here just doing our best and last night it was still your best in difficult times... Choose 'failure' or 'learning that too much going on and not enough keeping your centre within your focus is pretty disastrous'. And why have you (not) done that?....because you're an amazingly loving, generous and caring person who has been looking after everyone else and helping them get to feel better.....you are such a big hearted person. Balance is just so precarious (or it would be 'fixed' and not 'balance'!)

So, back to self focus and self- belief. I believe in you, love. Feeling a bit poo and sad doesn't need anymore blah from me to add to it..... You know what you've to do. And I'm behind you all the way......On! On! Nil Desperandum!!

Hey Ho, MM - sucks, eh??!
Big hugs from me - and I hope I haven't spoken out of turn here....meant with much love.
FMS xxxx

[Chief]

I crashed.....

Hi MM, That dirty rotten bastard got ya.....blind-sided you and hit you right between the eyes before you could rationally think your way out of it. As you said, you knew you felt vulnerable, we even discussed it in PM's, but I guess 'ole AL was doing some eavesdropping and set you up.
The difference between a momentary lapse in judgement and a relapse back to your old ways of drinking and thinking is what you do right now, and you are doing everything right. Of course you're mad, ashamed, feeling guilty, and downright pissed at The Beast. You feel this way because you feel it's NOT okay and you're not here looking for a "poor baby" type of support. You want to figure out what the hell happened and what you can do to prevent it from ever happening again, because that's the kind of woman you are. You're a fighter and you're saying, " where is that son of a bitch, let me at him!..."
So keep thinking about what went wrong. I know it's the holidays and stressful right now, but get your focus back to you. YOU are number 1. You can't take care of anything else if you don't put yourself first. It's not selfish, it's the right way to do business.
We're all glad you're here and a part of our family. Don't beat yourself up too bad.... just enough. Make the time to read and post. We help you and you help us...that's the way it works.

And you don't need to apologize to anyone..

Don

and you know what....I'll bet this doesn't happen again...

[Accountable for Me]

I crashed.....

MM - pull those socks up and hop back on that horse!

and to be perfectly honest with you........ as Don has said............ I'll bet this doesn't happen again. I think you are well on your way to an AF life.

[wonderworld]

I crashed.....

Wow - I don't know what I could possibly add to what's been said already. Some very wise friends here on MWO.
MM - you've helped me so much, and continue to with your honesty and determination.
I think the world of you. This blip is just that....a blip.
love you,
wonder xx

[Breez]

I crashed.....

lushy;235354 wrote: Focus on all the days you have reached your goals. The more you focus on those, the more they will happen. That I am sure of.

Loved it. Geez I keep repeating myself~works in progress. Focuss on the positive. You did not fail. We all never get it right the first time or second-hell it's been hundreds for me.

Know we are here.

[Guest]

I crashed.....

MM, You did 30 days AF, and this does not take that away. You still did 30! Everytime you do a thirty it is good for you and makes it easier next time. You haven't let anyone down. I am still impressed that you did a 30 AF. Just get back on the horse and see if you can do another 30 or a 45. And you really should focus on you for awhile. You can't help anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first.

I remember the other night how you said you weren't too worried about that party because it was a non drinking party anyways, so I know you really did think it was going to be a non drinking party so it probably just took you by surprize.

We love you and believe in you!

[retteacher]

I crashed.....

MM: I'm just so glad you came back to MWO & let us know what happened last night. This is your road back. I also love your focus (no drinking at all). You know what your goal is. You'll get right back into it. I've been where you have & know how you feel. Get your fighting spirit back. Mary