As many of you know, I am currently going through a separation with my husband. This past weekend I was trying to figure out my part in all of this, as I know I have one. I really want to figure out where my faults were so I can better myself as a person. So, of course, I must look at alcohol. So, what came first, the chicken, or the egg, or in my world, the problems with husband or my alcohol problem.
Well, of course, it is alcohol. I began drinking at the age of 14. I first ran away when I was 14, and finally moved out of my parent?s house for good at the ripe age of 15. I haven't really quit drinking since. I am what one would call a mis-placed over-achiever. I never really had a home when I left at 15, but I had a lot of ambition! I lived with my then boyfriend, hot guy with great car, cool apartment, and of course he dealt drugs. I gathered my senses and called my aunt who was a very successful business woman in San Francisco. I told her I was just going to be passing through, but she knew it was a cry for help and sent me a bus ticket. She welcomed me with open arms and put me back in school. However, the pressure to fit in to an inner-city school was great, and I found the best way I knew how, and that was with the party crowd, and off I went again. After the year came up, I moved back to my home state and at 16, took my high school equivalency test, and got a job. I went to work (lied and said I was 18), got an apartment and pretended to be an adult. I met a guy at work and soon after moved in with him. He was wonderful, still is, but was a large cocaine dealer - oh great! We were together for 9 years. But, within those 7 years I drank and did a lot of partying.
Fast-forward, at 19, I got a degree in travel and tourism, started a travel agency, lost that, at 23, met a millionaire and traveled the world with him partying for three years, at 26, came back met a man, got engaged for 4 years, partied with him, left him, got a great job in hotel marketing and moved to Tokyo, moved back, took a sabbatical and went to school for a year to become an esthetician and body worker, at 32 met a man, had a baby, moved to where I live now, at 35, met another man got married two years later and here I am, eight years later with a wonderful child and a beautiful business, all while drinking - HOW IN THE HELL DID I DO IT! On auto-pilot, I have decided. There is so much about my life I am proud of, but I missed so much along the way, because I was drinking, and for the most part, running.
Three years ago I saw the Dalai Lama. I don't know if that is what started my quest for understanding me more, or I was just fed up (my husband and I had just lost a business), but that is when I decided to quit drinking, or at least try. I quit drinking for 6 months, and my life did change. I was going to AA then. I didn't really like the AA politics and drama, but I didn't know anything else. However, I was sober. My husband HATED the idea of me going to AA. I think he was embarrassed. He also liked me drinking with him, if even on the occasional basis. So, I told myself I would moderate. Thus became my three year quest for the magic moderation solution. Unfortunately, I never found it. I have tried and tried for the past three years like no one else. My resolve has always been to moderate, or "sober up" for a time (30 days, etc.) and then moderate again. I was so caught up in the "romance' of wine, that and being able to drink with my husband. Those times were so good, at least most of them, and certainly in the beginning. It is amazing how I was so entranced in chasing these illusions. I really just wanted to drink. I would say, "I just want to be able to have a glass of wine with dinner", or "How can I go to Italy without drinking wine"? What a lie I told myself. Actually, I did believe it, so I am not sure it was a lie at the time, but I think I knew. Why could I not see it, thought? If I could have moderated, I would have. How many times does it take? Why couldn't I have seen this after the first few times? AA used to say "alcohol" is cunning, I disagree, and it is our own minds that are cunning. When we let them run amok they will do all sorts of things, like a small child. "What can I get away with"?
My relationships have always been based on drinking, my choice. If a man didn't drink he would not be around. If he did not allow me to drink, he would not be around. Period. I know this now. The hard part for me today is that I started a relationship with a man 8 years ago when I was drinking, and he was a suitor for me then. I have been struggling to change for the past three years, but I would go back to the romance of having a glass of wine with my husband, that is what we knew, that was part of us. So, what came first, the problem with alcohol or the problem with my husband, they are one. And that makes me sad. I wish it were different. I have tried to separate them, but either I am not able to, or he does not want to, either way, I must take care of myself.
Anyway, I must continue to grow, for me and for my daughter.. Maybe I have outgrown my relationship with my husband. I am VERY sure I have outgrown my relationship with alcohol. I have heard many times in this forum that to be successful one must make the mental change from controlling our drinking problem to becoming a non-drinker. I am proud to say that I want to be known as a non-drinker. I want to be free from that want/hope cycle. Drinking is no longer an option. I am a non-drinker.
Thank you for giving me a place to get this out. I have never really told my story. Thank you for those that stuck it out and read it, I hope it helps someone in some way.
Namaste,
MM
Well, of course, it is alcohol. I began drinking at the age of 14. I first ran away when I was 14, and finally moved out of my parent?s house for good at the ripe age of 15. I haven't really quit drinking since. I am what one would call a mis-placed over-achiever. I never really had a home when I left at 15, but I had a lot of ambition! I lived with my then boyfriend, hot guy with great car, cool apartment, and of course he dealt drugs. I gathered my senses and called my aunt who was a very successful business woman in San Francisco. I told her I was just going to be passing through, but she knew it was a cry for help and sent me a bus ticket. She welcomed me with open arms and put me back in school. However, the pressure to fit in to an inner-city school was great, and I found the best way I knew how, and that was with the party crowd, and off I went again. After the year came up, I moved back to my home state and at 16, took my high school equivalency test, and got a job. I went to work (lied and said I was 18), got an apartment and pretended to be an adult. I met a guy at work and soon after moved in with him. He was wonderful, still is, but was a large cocaine dealer - oh great! We were together for 9 years. But, within those 7 years I drank and did a lot of partying.
Fast-forward, at 19, I got a degree in travel and tourism, started a travel agency, lost that, at 23, met a millionaire and traveled the world with him partying for three years, at 26, came back met a man, got engaged for 4 years, partied with him, left him, got a great job in hotel marketing and moved to Tokyo, moved back, took a sabbatical and went to school for a year to become an esthetician and body worker, at 32 met a man, had a baby, moved to where I live now, at 35, met another man got married two years later and here I am, eight years later with a wonderful child and a beautiful business, all while drinking - HOW IN THE HELL DID I DO IT! On auto-pilot, I have decided. There is so much about my life I am proud of, but I missed so much along the way, because I was drinking, and for the most part, running.
Three years ago I saw the Dalai Lama. I don't know if that is what started my quest for understanding me more, or I was just fed up (my husband and I had just lost a business), but that is when I decided to quit drinking, or at least try. I quit drinking for 6 months, and my life did change. I was going to AA then. I didn't really like the AA politics and drama, but I didn't know anything else. However, I was sober. My husband HATED the idea of me going to AA. I think he was embarrassed. He also liked me drinking with him, if even on the occasional basis. So, I told myself I would moderate. Thus became my three year quest for the magic moderation solution. Unfortunately, I never found it. I have tried and tried for the past three years like no one else. My resolve has always been to moderate, or "sober up" for a time (30 days, etc.) and then moderate again. I was so caught up in the "romance' of wine, that and being able to drink with my husband. Those times were so good, at least most of them, and certainly in the beginning. It is amazing how I was so entranced in chasing these illusions. I really just wanted to drink. I would say, "I just want to be able to have a glass of wine with dinner", or "How can I go to Italy without drinking wine"? What a lie I told myself. Actually, I did believe it, so I am not sure it was a lie at the time, but I think I knew. Why could I not see it, thought? If I could have moderated, I would have. How many times does it take? Why couldn't I have seen this after the first few times? AA used to say "alcohol" is cunning, I disagree, and it is our own minds that are cunning. When we let them run amok they will do all sorts of things, like a small child. "What can I get away with"?
My relationships have always been based on drinking, my choice. If a man didn't drink he would not be around. If he did not allow me to drink, he would not be around. Period. I know this now. The hard part for me today is that I started a relationship with a man 8 years ago when I was drinking, and he was a suitor for me then. I have been struggling to change for the past three years, but I would go back to the romance of having a glass of wine with my husband, that is what we knew, that was part of us. So, what came first, the problem with alcohol or the problem with my husband, they are one. And that makes me sad. I wish it were different. I have tried to separate them, but either I am not able to, or he does not want to, either way, I must take care of myself.
Anyway, I must continue to grow, for me and for my daughter.. Maybe I have outgrown my relationship with my husband. I am VERY sure I have outgrown my relationship with alcohol. I have heard many times in this forum that to be successful one must make the mental change from controlling our drinking problem to becoming a non-drinker. I am proud to say that I want to be known as a non-drinker. I want to be free from that want/hope cycle. Drinking is no longer an option. I am a non-drinker.
Thank you for giving me a place to get this out. I have never really told my story. Thank you for those that stuck it out and read it, I hope it helps someone in some way.
Namaste,
MM