Today marks the completion of one month of sobriety for me. It also marks one month since I'd first googled quit alcohol and was linked to this wonderful site.
My first post was made in the immediate aftermath of an embarrassing barroom brawl that made me feel horribly guilty, embarrassed and truly ashamed of my execrable behaviour.
The day after the fiasco, I made my first post when I felt that I had no one to talk to in RL ( it was my guilt not letting me open up )about the situation, was on the verge of a never- accustomed-to-kind-of nervous breakdown , was in a state of extreme panic and the post was really an earnest cry for help.
It was so heartening that immediately, so many kind & kindred souls - Ducky, Kirova, Bella, hippie37, cindi, 4theboyz responded with words of wisdom and more importantly , with a tremendous sense of empathy. What you all did at that moment may have been a commonplace occurrence for you but was truly priceless for me when I was at my emotional nadir. Heartfelt thanks to you all.:thanks:
Also when I entered the chatroom in search of companionship that day, kpuk ? bless her soul ? lent a friendly ear patiently listening to my emotional agony and perplexed rant. She also had some practical suggestions on how to tackle the fallout on the domestic front, which really worked. I gather that you are a private person kpuk, but please accept my sincere thanks for being a timely sounding board for a faceless stranger in distress. :thankyou:
After a couple of days of intense soulsearching and also as the emotional pain started to slowly recede, I looked back at my life where for the past 19 years alcohol had been a constant companion in all my moments of joy & sadness. A habit which I had cultivated in my late teens in College probably mistaking it to be a coming-of-age rite of passage and to cock a snook at my staid & stolid middleclass Indian upbringing.
Once financially independent, shifting far away from home, staying alone & being in a stressful job entailing twelve-hour workdays meant that booze was always regularly flowing whenever we ( me and worklife friends) had a reason for celebration. It slowly degenerated to alcohol becoming the reason for celebration.
All through, the same self- deception continued- that alcohol had to be present if I wanted real fun. Also, in the industrial town that I am situated in , our Club is the centre of all our social activities and has a well-appointed Bar ? soft lighting , piped-in music, waiters on call, direct deduction from paycheques ( one has to only take the pain of signing the bill, you see), the works ? true colonial legacy, we pretending to be Indian versions of Bertram Wooster in our clubbing instincts.
And the affair with alcohol continued for this long. For the past couple of years, there had been a few instances when I behaved totally out of character when in the grip of alcohol but was slow to notice the danger signals. Disaster was waiting to happen.
And how it happened?.
And yes, I decided that its time to end my troublesome affair with alcohol.
The first few days of March, I was under a constant fear ? reasonable or unreasonable- that I have gone too far down the road to self-destruction and maybe its too late for my mental & moral redemption. I started reading everything available on the Net on alcoholic addiction and started assuming that all the fearsome ill effects were present in me ( medical student syndrome?? ). And reading everything written in the posts here. The first few days of sobriety were tough but the situation has eased out gradually.
Slowly each passing day of sobriety lifted my spirits up just a little bit and my general sense of positivity and well-being started returning back ever so slowly. I had a fixed place and pattern for boozing. Evenings, with colleagues at the Club. So, I deleted the Club from the equation, automatically taking booze out of the picture.
Everyday for the past one month, I have spent sometime with MWO here and have found some great friends. These friendships have been truly enriching. Heartfelt thanks my favorite whipping girl, Angel. Your posts have been so heartwarming and positive and you are truly a God's gift to this site. You are simply the best.
I had also taken a refresher course in yoga , pranayama and meditation which has done wonders to my outlook. Now I've started looking at sobriety in a truly positive light and as essential for my spiritual growth & regeneration.
Now after a boozefree month, if I am sounding melodramatic, so be it. Looking back its my first sober month in ages and am feeling a sense of minor achievement.
I am at the crossroads now. My junkie thinking had initially entertained the thoughts of moderating in April but my best friend & guardian angel convinced me that abstention should be the goal and now I decide to try that for April. I would be very glad if any other fellow MWOuters join me in this pledge for sobriety .
Once again thanks for helping me out in the hour of crisis Ducky, Kirova, Bella, hippie37, cindi, 4theboyz, kpuk.:goodjob: We are all fellow travelers in this joint journey of self- actualization and hope we keep providing emotional succour & sustenance to each other.
And thanks everyone who has taken the time to read through my long entry which is just the first milestone on my long journey of a thousand miles?
Hoping to further strengthen bonds of friendship
Doubter
My first post was made in the immediate aftermath of an embarrassing barroom brawl that made me feel horribly guilty, embarrassed and truly ashamed of my execrable behaviour.
The day after the fiasco, I made my first post when I felt that I had no one to talk to in RL ( it was my guilt not letting me open up )about the situation, was on the verge of a never- accustomed-to-kind-of nervous breakdown , was in a state of extreme panic and the post was really an earnest cry for help.
It was so heartening that immediately, so many kind & kindred souls - Ducky, Kirova, Bella, hippie37, cindi, 4theboyz responded with words of wisdom and more importantly , with a tremendous sense of empathy. What you all did at that moment may have been a commonplace occurrence for you but was truly priceless for me when I was at my emotional nadir. Heartfelt thanks to you all.:thanks:
Also when I entered the chatroom in search of companionship that day, kpuk ? bless her soul ? lent a friendly ear patiently listening to my emotional agony and perplexed rant. She also had some practical suggestions on how to tackle the fallout on the domestic front, which really worked. I gather that you are a private person kpuk, but please accept my sincere thanks for being a timely sounding board for a faceless stranger in distress. :thankyou:
After a couple of days of intense soulsearching and also as the emotional pain started to slowly recede, I looked back at my life where for the past 19 years alcohol had been a constant companion in all my moments of joy & sadness. A habit which I had cultivated in my late teens in College probably mistaking it to be a coming-of-age rite of passage and to cock a snook at my staid & stolid middleclass Indian upbringing.
Once financially independent, shifting far away from home, staying alone & being in a stressful job entailing twelve-hour workdays meant that booze was always regularly flowing whenever we ( me and worklife friends) had a reason for celebration. It slowly degenerated to alcohol becoming the reason for celebration.
All through, the same self- deception continued- that alcohol had to be present if I wanted real fun. Also, in the industrial town that I am situated in , our Club is the centre of all our social activities and has a well-appointed Bar ? soft lighting , piped-in music, waiters on call, direct deduction from paycheques ( one has to only take the pain of signing the bill, you see), the works ? true colonial legacy, we pretending to be Indian versions of Bertram Wooster in our clubbing instincts.
And the affair with alcohol continued for this long. For the past couple of years, there had been a few instances when I behaved totally out of character when in the grip of alcohol but was slow to notice the danger signals. Disaster was waiting to happen.
And how it happened?.
And yes, I decided that its time to end my troublesome affair with alcohol.
The first few days of March, I was under a constant fear ? reasonable or unreasonable- that I have gone too far down the road to self-destruction and maybe its too late for my mental & moral redemption. I started reading everything available on the Net on alcoholic addiction and started assuming that all the fearsome ill effects were present in me ( medical student syndrome?? ). And reading everything written in the posts here. The first few days of sobriety were tough but the situation has eased out gradually.
Slowly each passing day of sobriety lifted my spirits up just a little bit and my general sense of positivity and well-being started returning back ever so slowly. I had a fixed place and pattern for boozing. Evenings, with colleagues at the Club. So, I deleted the Club from the equation, automatically taking booze out of the picture.
Everyday for the past one month, I have spent sometime with MWO here and have found some great friends. These friendships have been truly enriching. Heartfelt thanks my favorite whipping girl, Angel. Your posts have been so heartwarming and positive and you are truly a God's gift to this site. You are simply the best.
I had also taken a refresher course in yoga , pranayama and meditation which has done wonders to my outlook. Now I've started looking at sobriety in a truly positive light and as essential for my spiritual growth & regeneration.
Now after a boozefree month, if I am sounding melodramatic, so be it. Looking back its my first sober month in ages and am feeling a sense of minor achievement.
I am at the crossroads now. My junkie thinking had initially entertained the thoughts of moderating in April but my best friend & guardian angel convinced me that abstention should be the goal and now I decide to try that for April. I would be very glad if any other fellow MWOuters join me in this pledge for sobriety .
Once again thanks for helping me out in the hour of crisis Ducky, Kirova, Bella, hippie37, cindi, 4theboyz, kpuk.:goodjob: We are all fellow travelers in this joint journey of self- actualization and hope we keep providing emotional succour & sustenance to each other.
And thanks everyone who has taken the time to read through my long entry which is just the first milestone on my long journey of a thousand miles?
Hoping to further strengthen bonds of friendship
Doubter
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