Sunday 20th April

[wantrealmeaning]

Morning everyone,

I'm up pretty early for a Sunday, I fell asleep at about 10pm last night reading the Da Vinci Code. I read it 3yrs ago, found it in my garage the other day so thought I'd read it again.
Day 12 and still feeling positive.

Beck
Want, the biggest surprise about getting sober for me was the emotional upheaval - stuff that I had (have) been avoiding. Learning from it though. Some lessons I would like to give back, some I will keep forever.
Thanks Beck, I feel I'm ready to learn. The one thing I have learnt is that I can't mod, after years and years of trying, kidding myself and denial I've finally come to terms with that, and, thank God, at the moment feel mentally strong enough to deal with it. Beck please listen to your instincts, that gut feeling, I ignored mine, lost my self respect, esteem, confidence, felt like a complete failure. I realise now that it's all been part of the learning curve I'm on, out of 25yrs drinking it's taken 7yrs if kidding myself. Day 77 today for you and I admire you so much, that is brilliant, maybe you can mod, I certainly couldn't go that long knowing I eventually want to mod. You're very strong.

Cindi,
ps Mary, I, too would "love" to disappear into the bottle sometimes, but then I realize it is truly ME disappearing into the bottle. I have spent years losing myself. I need to spend years finding myself again. I am so glad to have you with me on this journey of self-discovery. We are not alone. We will learn to truly love ourselves.
I think my click came when I just accepted that AL was never going to be a part of my life again. Or at least shouldn't be, because I simply cannot mod. I went from feeling denied to feeling liberated. I sure hope I can maintain that mindset! It helps alot.
Cindi, what you wrote above brought tears to my eyes, that is exactly how I've been feeling. I've been drinking since I was 13, I'm 38 now, so I've got a long road of self discovery infront of me. Last October I knew this but was scared to death and had no belief in myself what so ever. My mindset now is one of liberation, I'm discovering self belief, I'm beginning to feel real self repect and esteem, early days yet but it's so encouraging.


Mary, I sincerly hope the thing are improving with your husband so he can get his surgery done. Did you get plenty of yard work done yesterday? It was to windy for me to do any yesterday, hoping to get some done today, I love it.

Mohun, day 10, and Lorlei Day 6, your not far behind me at all, keep going, keep busy, each day does get better. We'll be able to have a run of 30day AF parties.

Hi Janice, Seenthelight, July, Charlee, Aquamarine, Det.
Youngatheart, hope you get your pc fixed soon as possible.
Sorry if I missed anyone.

Here's to maintaining liberated mindsets :fingers:

Have a lovely Sunday all
Want
:l:h
x

[Cinders]

Sunday 20th April

Want,

Day 12!! It seems like just yesterday you were starting your AF run.

I am feeling all "up" despite the unGodly hour it is here. I heard from my girl yesterday and she was sounding so wonderful. She is still afraid she will do like mommy and come out of rehab and relapse.

I explained to her that it could happen, it is not a requirement, but it can.

However, the tools I learned in rehab are invaluable to me, even after the relapse. So rehab was not a waste of time or money, just a step along the way.

I am very happy to hear you are doing so well, Want. I am in my 50s and have been drinking since I was 15 or so. I know exactly what you mean. There is a lot we have to do to get to know ourselves and become the people we want to be. I am looking forward to this work, though.

Everyone else, I will be on and off today. Have to clean house for grandson's birthday party. Made the awful requisite chcolate cake. I sure wish they would like something else, like a carrot cake.

We are going to the botanical gardens for a walk through. They are doing a dinosaur display and dinosuars are his favorite subject.

Love,
Cindi
XXXVI

[Janice]

Sunday 20th April

Morning Want & Cindi, and all to follow......both of you sound so good. I'm not very good at putting my thoughts onto paper but I can only describe my AF journey - since February - as a spiritual one. I feel so different. Something has woken up inside me, something has clicked.....and like you both say, I have accepted that alcohol is no longer a part of my life. It is such a good feeling.

Today is last day of my hols, work tomorrow so I'm sulking a bit :upset: Can't really complain as I've had 3 weeks off!!! Going to be working full-time with a little 3 year old boy with autism.

The sun's shining here today, getting out into the garden.....just bought some tomato seeds.....never grown them before but Dad grew them every year and he was The Expert!! Bought the same make as he did so......I've got a challenge ahead of me!

Will be back on later to read all your posts....I do enjoy reading about everyone's journey....this is such a friendly thread......and I am so grateful for all your friendship.

love Janicexxx:l

[Beck]

Sunday 20th April

Morning My AF friends,

Sunday is going to be busy yet again today. Thought Sunday was supposed to be a slow day. Oh well.

Want, I'm 43 and have been drinking since I was 13. I have had some long stretches (10 years !) of really acting/feeling like a non-drinker who occasionally has a drink - actually looking back during that time when I drank I typically got drunk. Having 4 kids and a spouse who is a moderated drinker at best , I was in a non-drinking environment. About 7 years ago I started drinking heavily, alone (creating my own drinking environment) and spun out of control - functional alcoholic but knew I was in trouble. When I came to MWO, I was off the worst of my drinking but still knowing the drinking was a problem.

I will listen to my instincts - my heart. My head hasn't done such a great job of running the show.

Cindi, sounds like you are going to have a great day! Enjoy the party. There is a part of me that was thinking that I would have to mess up big to make the AF for life decision. Thank you for reminding me that it is not a requirement.

Beck

[retteacher]

Sunday 20th April

How inspirational this thread is! I too must see myself as a non-drinker. Drinking is not an option for me. I've been here at MWO for 1 year. In that year, I've had much more sobriety than I've had in many years, but I've had slips as well (quite recently, in fact). I don't feel good about the slips, but I did learn from them:
1. I always go back to alcoholic drinking.
2. I always feel rotten afterward.

I'm an older woman & must face up to the emotional & spiritual work I must do to recover & be healthy. I'm working on it, but the very first & most important step is not drinking. Without sobriety, I cannot do anything at all.

Thank you all for being here & sharing so candidly. I cannot tell you how much it means to me.

Love, Mary

[charlee]

Sunday 20th April

Morning all
Although I have found peace with an AF lifestyle, I would be lying if I said I have those occasional thoughts of "disapearring into the bottle".......I get an euphoric feeling from the thought, but am quickly brought back by the after feeling. It is so vivid in my mind, being in the dark alcoholic haze....my bottom.....I am 56 years old and except for my pregnancies drank since the age of 25. I know myself, could I have that occasional drink?... probably, but I know I would eventually (sooner not later) start playing those mind games of rationing my stash........Physically I don't think my body can handle it, mentally I am in a good place and won't put that at risk...I still make no promises for tomorrow, just today and so far that seems to work for me.......I have to wonder if there will ever come a time when a thought, a feeling, a wish for the alcohol doesn't exist..I am beginning to think not, but being in the right place with the mindset is key. I have surrendered to AL, he has won the battle, but he hasn't won the war!!!...
I too, thank you all for being so candid...I don't think I could verbalize the actual words I type here, and I need to come here every day to know I am not alone....

[Beck]

Sunday 20th April

Janice, cross posting. You sound wonderful. Spiritual journey it is. Before I got sober, I would have said I wasn't a spiritual person at all. I do so love this friendly thread. We all do tackle this problem alone but together.

Mary, love hearing from you. I think as women we tend to lose our way, getting wrapped up in others lives and not taking care of ourselves. I have finally learned to ask my husb for what I need - as in, I need you to pick up the kids tonight, so that I can go for a run. He grumbles a bit sometimes b/c I was doing everything - but so what? When I was drinking I felt so powerless and never asked for anything and of course not taking care of myself lead to more drinking. An ugly cycle.

Want, thank you for sharing more of your story with me. I have a daughter who will be off to college in 3 years. I don't want to lose those years.

Cindi, should have said that I am so pleased your daughter is doing so well. A little fear of relapse is a healthy thing.

Beck

[Lorelei]

Sunday 20th April

I woke up this morning and the first thought of my day was this:

I drink out of fear of change. I'm afraid that if I change the people in my life will not be in my life anymore. I conciously hold myself back.

Well people in my life have disappeared both because of my drinking and because in time relationships change. People come in and out of our lives all the time, its not something that just happens to me. As I grow new people will arrive into my life and enjoy my positive experience. Getting comfortable with change is difficult but I'll be a much happier person once I do it.

I thank all of you fellow abs for being part of my new life as a sober person and we are all here to help each other get through those rough patches.

-lorelei

[Mohun]

Sunday 20th April

Day 10 AF. Like many of you, I have tried quiting before and tried moderating before. I have learned I cannot moderate. The difference now is that I know 100% in my heart and in my head that I cannot moderate. The good thing is though that I am really really o.k. with that. I feel like I have closed a chapter in my life. Time to focus on the family. Somehow, the kids are no longer as annoying as they used to be. I guess I am less moody and grouchy.

By the way. I love this waking up without a hangover feeling.

Congrats to all. :goodjob:

[aquamarine]

Sunday 20th April

Hi Everyone. Looks like another beautiful day here. Want to check in , have to run to baseball but want to come on later with more time. Thanks for sharing everyone. Feel so lucky to have you all here. Be Well and Stay Strong! Aquamarine

[retteacher]

Sunday 20th April

Beck: I love what you said about asking people for what we need. I didn't do that when I was drinking, because I was so guilt-ridden. Now that I'm sober, I feel on equal footing w/the rest of the world. I'm always going to be a worker, helper, care-giver, b-sitter, etc. However, I'm trying to strike a balance so that I have something left over for myself. I think I used drinking as a way to take time off. I can do that sober now. Mary

[vinophile]

Sunday 20th April

Happy Sunday All,

I was away for two days and had some emotional upheaval with middle son. I guess I took what seemed like the easy way out last night and had wine. It seemed at the moment the only thing that would quell the unsettled feeling I had. Of course, we know that,in the long run, it does nothing to ease the inner tension. So today, I'm back to day one, after 19 days, and I'm still feeling unsettled.
However I still feel optimistic about staying away from alcohol. I will. I got very little in return for drinking that bottle yesterday. Maybe it's finally sinking in to my being........DRINKING IS REALLY NOT WORTH IT.

I'm glad to be back here and I know I've got a backlog of great reading to do here. I look foward to it.

See you all later.

Janet

[wantrealmeaning]

Sunday 20th April

Hi again :hiya:

I think I'll always get those feeling of wanting to 'disappear into a bottle'. I think I'd be fooling myself to think otherwise. I'll have to learn to live with them being a part of an AF life. Right now they're lurking about all the time, but I'm not engaging in that mental arguement with them. I'm aware that AL is frantically waving his arms about trying to get my attention but I'm managing to ignore him in a way that I never have before. Keeping myself busy and distracted has helped immensly and the sense of accomplishment from all the jobs I've got/getting done is fantastic and urgeing me forward.
I'm gonna win this war too Charlee.

Lorelei, I have 3 best friends, had 3 best friends, one was murdered nearly 2yrs ago, the other 2 I haven't seen for about 8mths now. Part of the reason is because of my depression, I always cut myself off when depressed. I love them all very much, they're childhood friends. I feel very guilty because of what happened, I should be cherishing every moment with my friends who are still here, but AL is a big part of their lives we've all drunk alcoholically as if that's normal, having said that I have been the one with the biggest problem, they don't see it as big a problem as I do. I know that they're very upset with me, but I have to do what is right for me and my children. I've tried in the past to give up AL with my friends around and failed miseribly. It's not there fault, I take full responsibility for my drinking. I have to do it this way, I need some good AF time under my belt. Hopefully I'll be able to have them back in my life, it's just to soon right now.

Janice, have you planted those tomato seeds yet, I've got a feeling you'll grow some fab toms, , I bet your dad is so proud of you Janice.

Vinophile, 19 days is fab, I haven't done that for 7yrs, jump back on, it's all part of the journey. Have you got any meditation CD'S you could listen to, to help you chill out.
Hope you sort things out with your son.

I know that I wouldn't be feeling as good as I do without this site and all of you. I truly mean that. :l

[Seen the light!]

Sunday 20th April

Hi all just wanted to say hi!

Had a really busy weekend - haven't made it through AF (last night I caved) not got long to talk but will in the morning - feel ok not beating myself up for a change!

Will catch up and read all the weekend posts in morning enjoy the rest of the day xx

[Determinator]

Sunday 20th April

happy Sunday ABerooos!

Lorelei, that was a most enlightened post. I like it very much.

lets be fair here...alcohol is really quite handy. for example it can quickly remove the stubborn adhesive label off of something. LOL. when you think about that its frightening what that chemical can do.

hope you are all having fun on this glorious day