The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

[Doggygirl]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

R2C, my folks have been fortunate in the financial regard too - with all Dad's various ailments and treatments we have had no problems at all with Medicare or the supplemental insurance company. Don't even get me started on my thoughts about the health care system for the rest of the population in the US!

LVT I'm very sorry for your loss of your parents. I can't even imagine how difficult that time is going to be. It's wonderful that you and your sibs were able to contribute so much and make it possible for them both to stay in their home until the end. While my Mom and Dad never farmed full time themselves, they both come from multi-generations of farming families, and the influence from that is very evident in both of them. It would be great if both of my brothers lived closer so that sharing a helping workload would be possible. My Big Anger at my middle brother (the one who is supposedly so religious!) has to do with the fact that he WAS looking to move back to this area after his step daughter graduated from college and launched successfully into the career phase of her life. I will give my brother a couple brownie points for honesty, but he point blank told me that he and his wife decided to stay in Florida because they would rather not deal with elderly parent issues. (her parents are in the same town as mine and about the same age as mine - and she has siblings who are "local" to her parents as I am to mine) WIP - maybe I DO need your wise counsel after all - I have a hard time getting past that one. It's one thing to have family and career stuff going on (as my other brother does) but to SPECIFICALLY stay away for that reason....... I need to work on letting go of that issue...seriously.

Jules, thank you SO SO much for that web link!! I had no idea that was out there. I know my Mom is working on getting together a complete list of Dad's meds, and that will come in very handy. (my Dad has always been very private about his meds - kept them in a private place and never shared info with my Mom or anyone else - not very handy when an emergency occurs when he can't get his meds himself.....)

WIP it's good to know that the service you have for your Mom also monitors the meds. I like the idea of a 3rd party - NOT the prescribing doctor(s) - giving input. I hope you Mom meeting goes (or went?) well...

DG

[Doggygirl]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

Jules, thank you again for that Drug interaction link. It looks awesome. They are supposed to be giving Mom an updated list of Dad's medications tomorrow, and she's going to fax it to me so I can see what comes up. I can already tell this is going to REALLY give us some good, 3rd party information so we can form intelligent questions for doc.

DG

[Jules]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

You are very welcome!!!!!!!!!

[A Work in Progress]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

Now, my mother has "fired" her night-time caregivers, and is telling everyone she is "firing" ALL her caregivers, or has already done so... her story changes... I spoke with my mother and later with the care manager, yesterday. We agree that she is not in imminent danger of harm, but that she just can't live totally on her own. Two choices: one is that the care manager could have her placed in a psychiatric hospital to see if there are any other medication choices that might make her a bit less unreasonable and aggressive... or let her stay at home with minimal in-home care, just so she gets her meds and gets food in her house, and is eating and staying clean, etc. And then when/if something that seems dangerous or near-dangerous happens, we get her to the psychiatric hospital. I voted for the latter, because I want her to have as much freedom as possible, and locking her up in another new facility will once again throw her into a total tailspin.

This is just awful, but I feel reasonably calm and resolved about it... not frantic, which is how I think I would be feeling if I had been drinking ("frantic" is how I felt the whole time she was in hospital and then in the nursing home, and I was drinking, then).

wip

[Doggygirl]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

WIP I admire you for remaining calm in the face of two less than wonderful choices. And also for going with the choice for your mother's freedom as long as possible - when I'm sure that presents some additional challenges and unpredictability for you.

Where are all those people in the advertisements for the lovely beach side, golf course laden retirement communities? Something like that is always what I thought of when I thought of my Dad retiring. (well, he would never be that extravagent but still....a nice leisurly (sp) retirement...) I remember his retirement party so well. He really hated his job for the last many years of it, and was SO happy. His work friends gave him a BBQ grill and his siblings gave him a set of golf clubs and things looked good - the time he had been waiting for all those years. He didn't get much time to enjoy that before the problems started up.... Thank you for just letting me vent that. He's a good man and it seems so unfair. (but who said life is fair blah blah)

Mom is buying Dad a new bed today. It's made by Sealy and has some of the features like a hospital bed - can raise/lower the head / feet and I think change the softness/firmness. She did not get Dad's "permission" as he would never approve of that sort of expense. I encouraged her to go for it, as I think Dad deserves maximum comfort here in his elder years. (as far as the "permission" and Mom doing it anyway thing goes, that's how it always goes between them so that's nothing new.)

My fingers are firmly crossed that there are no set backs between now and Tuesday so the homecoming can happen. I guess there will be a "trial run" on Monday where they physical therapists or somebody supervises Dad getting into the car, traveling home, getting out of the car and into the house and up the stairs and around the house where he will at least need to go for basic needs. I sure hope that goes smoothly too.

I sure feel better just writing about this - like getting it out of my system. I'm so glad we have this place to express ourselves without dragging unsuspecting people into it on other threads.

Happy Friday, and may all of our elderly parents have the best possible day.
DG

[retteacher]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

DG: I'm leaving for my parents on Thurs., & frankly I've been discouraged. My mother is making her own choices, & absolutely doesn't take any suggestions either my brother or I have to offer. My (very wise) husband just reminded me that I am powerless over what my mother does. I'll be there for her in terms of what she feels she wants me to do. When I asked if we would be meeting w/the soc. worker, she said "we'll see" (read: probably not). Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I actually thought about asking the doc for a prescription for Valium, but I've never taken anything like that & don't know how I would react. I'm going to have to do this on my own...no AL, no drugs.

Mary

[A Work in Progress]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

DG, I hope the "trial run" tomorrow goes well, and RET, best wishes on what sounds likely to be a verrrrry stressful "visit." Be strong. I think you are right to nix the valium, it just isn't good stuff to use as a sort of "substitute" in situations when we would otherwise drink, or want to drink. I avoid that stuff like the plague. Seen too many people get hooked.

My mother is getting kinda worse, very angry with everyone, now including the care manager (who was yesterday her "best friend"). Laughs when Care Manager asks her if she has taken her meds. Says she does not need to be taken to the dentist (her teeth are falling out and she has refused to cooperate with dental care, firing dentists, refusing to pay them, accusing them of malpractice) this week, she will "make her own arrangements." Whatever that means. She refused to go on the outing I had planned to take her on today.

I am back to feeling a wee bit frantic and stressed out again over this, not knowing what she will do next, and what our next move should be, to try to keep her healthy and safe. I am afraid I will have to petition for guardianship, which usually takes 6 months, is very expensive, and will make my mother MUCH angrier than she already is...

awww, damn.

thanks for listening, this is a good place to share all this...

wip

[SKendall]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

DG and all of us who have aging parents. DG I hope when your dad gets home and once your mom has to deal with the stairs, etc. she will want to modify her lifestyle and hopefully will have some influence. My father is 85, in diapers and in a nursing home with demntia too, it's a very nice nursing home, but, it's awful to see him. Luckily he is a very compliant gentleman who chose the nursing home to being a burden on his family.

I would also encourage you to find the financial status, it was easy for us, because my dad was compliant, but perhaps your mom can appeal to him out of fairness for BOTH of them going forward.

If your brother is out of town, the social workers have names for them SOTS - sons out of town and DOTs, daughters out of town, who often have completely unrealistic ideas than the DIT's and the SIT's, who are there.

Good Luck to you and everyone who is facing this sad situation.:l:l

[Doggygirl]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

Hi all. SKendall, thank you for your words of encouragement. I'm glad that your Dad is at least in a nice nursing home - I suppose at some point I better figure out what one of those looks like so I will know the difference - just in case I ever need to know that. (hope not...but I'm realizing that you never know!). When we had the bed pan disaster at this current lousy excuse for a "nursing" home, the gals asked where Dad's "diapers" were. He has not lost control of that function - the issue was them giving him 1) "if needed" instruction laxatives on a continual basis and 2) not wiping when they pulled the bed pan away. My poor Dad and the look on his face when these nasty girls were asking where his diapers were..... Anyway, I suppose it's good that your Dad is accepting of the circumstances. I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier for you to watch your Dad slowly deteriorate......

Mary, my thoughts will be with you this week. It is so tough. I'm with WIP on the valium. I don't think it serves us well to switch one substance to another. Valium scares me. I don't know what others might think, but I have found both GABA and L-Tryptophan very helpful when I'm in stressful situations that prompt my brain to drinking thinking. Have you ever tried either of those? Will you be able to log in once in awhile during your trip? We will be sending you vibes whether you can log in or not. Few more days...

WIP, your situation sounds SO stressful. Are you still thinking about the psychiatric hospital for a few days? Guardianship sounds unappealing....but might be something in your mother's best interest at this point??? Boy..talk about uncharted waters (for me personally...)

I am SO hoping this "trial run" goes smoothly. I thought about going down there, but I doubt they would allow me to actually help with anything since I would not be there to help on a regular day. And I suspect having "on-lookers" (even me) would just add to what I'm sure will be stressful for Mom and Dad anyway. It sounds like Dad is doing good - LOL yesterday he made it all the way to the nurses station to b*tch about something without his walker....he forgot it. What will really be :egad: to me is if things go well, and they actually follow through taking him BACK to that god awful place for the night and then do it all again tomorrow. I'm sure my Mom would be more than happy to make a quick trip into town to get his stuff and sign some paperwork and just leave Dad be at home where he wants to be. Funny...I've thought several times that it seems as though he's in jail. I'm sure my Mom could just walker him right out of there and take him home without their permission. But I suspect there might be medicare repurcussions or future treatment problems or something.

Anyway...will be on pins and needles until I hear how it went. I'm sending positive vibes to everyone dealing with aging parent issues today.

DG

[A Work in Progress]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

What will really be to me is if things go well, and they actually follow through taking him BACK to that god awful place for the night and then do it all again tomorrow. I'm sure my Mom would be more than happy to make a quick trip into town to get his stuff and sign some paperwork and just leave Dad be at home where he wants to be. Funny...I've thought several times that it seems as though he's in jail. I'm sure my Mom could just walker him right out of there and take him home without their permission. But I suspect there might be medicare repurcussions or future treatment problems or something.

DG, it very much felt to me (and to my mother!) as if my mother were in a jail when she was in the "very nice" nursing home. She was/is not a "wanderer" but was locked in, could not go outside without an escort...

I inquired once, while she was there, about the medicare repercussions if I were to just want to take her home... they told me there would be none... But I ended up keeping her there until we had a diagnosis and treatment plan, and caregivers in place (although of course she has now sabotaged nearly all of that). BUT I think it is a different story about "future treatment options." If the elderly parent OR the family members are considered too much trouble, or uncooperative, or whatever, they can just make the decision that they "cannot meet [your] needs," if you ever try to get the parent admitted again. And if you try to go to another facility, they will insist on seeing the records from all other previous facilities... And that scared me considerably, because odds are very high that I will be in a situation once again, sometime down the road, of needing a nursing home for my mother.

I do hope it goes well today.

wip

[Doggygirl]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

WIP you are the voice of reason. I KNEW there was a good reason why Dadnapping was not a good idea! Makes sense. We probably already DO have a bad reputation around there for insisting on making sure Dad's butt was wiped while he was still having to use a bedpan. No need to push it further with a little Dadnapping.

DG

[retteacher]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

Everyone w/aged parents: My husband & I have been doing outdoor chores which has kept my mind & body busy. This is a good thing, as I think I would be very down about the parent situation. I feel thankful that I have the apartment upstairs & am not staying right in theirs w/them. 24/7 would be too much. I won't be doing any kind of drug or drinking. Today, I stocked up on a whole bunch of paperbacks: mostly mysteries. That should keep my mind occupied. Mary

[LVT25]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

I got this e-mail this morning and it reminded me of you all, so I thought I'd share.

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte , Nebraska , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem . Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital

One nurse took her copy to Missouri . The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St . Louis Association for Mental Health . A slide presentation h as also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this " anonymous" poem winging across the Internet.
Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurse?. . . . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . . when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man,. . . . . not very wise,
Uncertain of habit . . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . . . .. . and makes no reply .
When you say in loud voice . . . . . "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice . . . the things that you do
And forever is losing ... . . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding. . . . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . you're not looking at me .

See who I am . . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding. . . . . . as I eat at your will .
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . . . . who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . . . . . a lover he'll meet ..
A groom soon at Twenty. . . . . my heart gives a leap
Remembering vows . . . . . . that I promised to keep

[Janice]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

I love you mam, I love you Dad but this is killing me.

[Doggygirl]

The I love you Mom/Dad, but this is stressing me out! Thread

LVT, thank you for sharing that poem.

Janice - I know you are hurting and I wish I could help. All you can do is your best - the choices in front of you are not easy or pretty.

WIP I hope you survived another day of Mom. It doesn't sound like the situation is going to get better - hope I'm wrong.

Well, Dad is home. He sounds exhausted so I hope the "trial run" yesterday and big day today don't tip his balance in some bad way. Sometimes I'm just at these facilities and doctors. Dad has been sitting in that nursing home about 2 blocks away from the hospital and outpatient facilities for THREE WEEKS. His primary care doctor NEVER checked on him in person - NOT ONCE. Now he went home (miles away out in the country) and what does the doctor do?? NOW he schedules all kinds of tests and procedures and appointments for the next three days. WHAT THE F*%^%!!!!! All my Dad wants to do is just enjoy being home and get some rest. Geez. I have a sad feeling this situation isn't going to be improving much either. With Diabetes it's an up and down thing with the trend line going down. I hope my mother doesn't run herself into the ground.

Mary I will be thinking of you too - I hope you get some nice relaxation in before you leave on Thursday. Since you are bringing mystery books along - please let us know if there are some good recommendations. Sounds like a great way to sort of loose yourself during your 'off' time.

Take care everyone. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a magic want that could make this all go away.

DG