It's not how much...it's how

[retteacher]

In the past, I've let myself drink again by saying: "I really don't drink all that much." It's a form of denial that's worked for me. I actually do drink quite a lot once I get started.

More importantly, I realize it's the "how" of my drinking that makes me an alcoholic drinker.
-I hide my drinking.
-I replace alcohol that I consume so that no one will notice.
-I drink alone.
-I drink wine out of coffee cups.
-I drink to "get through" situations & feelings I don't like.
-I use drink to relax.
-I drink whole bottles of wine in one day.
-I black out.
-I get sick.
-I can't stop once I start.

These reasons (& others I can't think of) make me a very problematic drinker. I cannot & will not forget them when I feel weak & say: "I really don't drink that much. There are people that drink a lot more."

Mary

[bloggy]

It's not how much...it's how

I too am in denial- I keep kidding myself that I can drink 2 beers and stop- I really need to get over this hurdle- I make 6 or 7 days AF then decide I can drink 'normally'.

I really need some help to get over this denial.

[retteacher]

It's not how much...it's how

Marbella: Keep trying. Don't give up. I've given in to denial many times, but there will come a point when I won't give in. I'll just keep going AF. Every time we refuse to drink is a new connection our brain makes. I'm finding it's OK to be sober. I like it. Mary

[nancy]

It's not how much...it's how

Hi Mary

You are really right about this. It really isn't about how much but how you do it. I have cut my drinking down so dramatically, with moderation goal. Yesterday, I had one drink in a social situation but I don't feel entirely good about that because deep down I know I was looking forward to it with such anticipation because it turned out to be my only drink for 7 days.

Really the main focus for me in learning to moderate is to learn how to deal with difficult emotions and its been a lifesaver but I really had to completely change my relationship with myself. I have written a lot about this in other threads. The main thing that helped me is reading about mindfulness philosohphy of compassion and talking to an empathetic psychotherapist about what I was feeling and thinking. I am learning to take myself less seriously, observing things I am feeling without getting all caught up in them. The therapist provides real understanding so I feel less alone.

In some ways I have started to enjoy this Mary, even though you would think it would be painful to be in the company of distressing thoughts. I feel like I am getting in touch with part of me I cut off before, I feel stronger and more able to take care of myself. Do you have a part of yourself you want to cut off? Mindfulness meditation really might help. The more I embrace or allow the things I wanted to cut off before, the more that desire for a drink goes away, I can tell you this for sure, because there is less need for a release.

These things you needed to get through, do you discuss them with anyone, like a counselor or a friend? How do you deal with them now?

Nancy

Ps There will always be someone worse off, that's no reason for rationalizing behavior that is so obviously causing pain. We all have to be individuals.

[A Work in Progress]

It's not how much...it's how

Wonderful thread! Thanks Mary for starting it up, and your list is so good, and so familiar to me and probably almost everyone here. At one time, reading a list like that was a very uncomfortable experience for me... if indeed I even allowed myself to feel the discomfort. Now, it is actually feels sort of good to read it, because it reminds me that I am doing the right thing... I can say to myself, "oh, yeah, that's what I do when I am drinking, and that's really NOT GOOD!!!"

And, Nancy, I agree that the compassion part of it is SO important! More specifically, self-compassion, which we tend to dismiss or even recoil from. There's a wonderful psychologist, Kristin Neff, who has done a lot of work on this area of human consciousness and functioning. Her website is here. And it really isn't enough just to come to some kind of dry intellectual agreement that "self-compassion is a good, important thing." There are practices we can (and I think should) engage in to build our capacity for self-compassion, including specific types of meditation (metta, or loving-kindness meditation), and others as well.

wip

[cpn1004]

It's not how much...it's how

Great post Mary.
Here's mine:
- Gee, I only drink beer, that's not so bad right?
-Well, let's see, if you drink six to ten a day, hmm, that might be a problem.
I drink when bored, stressed, lonely, sweating from yard work, etc.
Denial is something I need to work on.
Thanks for being here.
Love and Peace,
Phil

[retteacher]

It's not how much...it's how

Everyone:

When I face up to the things I'd like to avoid through drinking, the desire to drink disappears. Lately, when an uncomfortable feeling stirs me up, I ask:
-what is?
-why do I have it?
-do I have to do anything about it?
-if I do, what should I do (i.e. talk to someone, write about it, etc.)?

The avoidance of feelings & encounters is what fuels my drinking.

Mary

[nancy]

It's not how much...it's how

Hi Mary

I think you are on the right track. I also talk nicely to myself when those situations arise. Sometimes I tell myself these things:

you have been here before and feelings did pass even though they felt intense at the time, as they do now
you sometimes get overly negative about the world and the reality is more positive
you have been making a lot of progress with drinking
these feelings and thoughts are part of you, not the prettiest parts, but hey, welcome, hello!

[A Work in Progress]

It's not how much...it's how

nancy;424358 wrote: se situations arise. Sometimes I tell myself these things: ... you have been here before and feelings did pass even though they felt intense at the time, as they do now... these feelings and thoughts are part of you, not the prettiest parts, but hey, welcome, hello!

Nancy, you may be familiar with this poem, one of my ALL TIME favorites:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they?re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi

[retteacher]

It's not how much...it's how

Yes, I forget that feelings & situations pass. They alleviate. Nothing is the be-all & end-all. Before I began drinking alcoholically, I worked my way through a lot of difficult situations. I did it before & can do it again. Mary

[Starlight Impress Forever]

It's not how much...it's how

x

[akgirl]

It's not how much...it's how

retteacher;424256 wrote: I drink wine out of coffee cups.

I knew I wasn't the only one.

Thanks for the thread, it's always good for us when we can relate and know we are not alone in our struggles.

[retteacher]

It's not how much...it's how

It's good for me to know that my drinking is not normal. Normal people put wine in glasses & sip it.

Mary