AF??? WOW

[brittzak]

I have never come over here that I can recall....I have been on this site for 2 years and there are members here I rarely see other areas and GOOD stuff here. Different stuff here.....I know some of you know me and some maybe not....I had 8 GOOD sober months last year......then another 4.5 this year.....but I white knuckled them...no lie...MISERABLE months ...I went to Lenair...not a good thing for me. I won't even go in to it AND I DO NOT SUPPORT IT. Been up and down since.....back on Topa now...has worked wonders for me in the past. I just don't have my mindset right.....it isn't where it was before. I feel very depressed and lonely lately. I get on here and chat and joke but inside I am very sad. Physically I am in a lot of pain lately with a injury and can not take meds for it because I over do it with them too. Damn near killed myself on Soma a few weeks back. :upset: Anyway, thanks for listening....I plan to frequent this area more.

[beatle]

AF??? WOW

Hi Britt, Sorry you are feeling so lousy. Sleep deprivation is the last thing we recovering alkies need. I wrote you a message about getting sleep over in the Daily AF thread, where you recently posted. I hope it helps.

btw, I also did Lenair and it also did not "work" for me. I got a lot out of it, but certainly not sobriety. I had to fly from overseas to go, so it was quite an expensive little failure, used up all my savings. Very disappointing.

But after years of struggling, I can sleep most nights now, so I hope my experience can help you in that, at least.

[brittzak]

AF??? WOW

Thanks Beatle...I will go read now.

[momof3]

AF??? WOW

Hi Luv,

I'm happy that you are here and I hope you feel better soon. The holidays can really creep up on us as far as sadness goes...expectations, loss of loved ones, etc. Having physical pain does not make it any easier.

Is there anything new or different that you've always wanted to do that you can try to start now? I'm just saying this because it has been most helpful to me...got me beyond the "white knuckling it" and helped me to realize all I'm gaining being AF. I too still struggle with sadness and resentment but it is being replaced more with anticipation and hope for a better future, a more meaningful life. As I've said before, I'm finally growing up.

Oh, Beatle, Luv. You can count me in for Lenair not working...never did eliminate my cravings as they advertise...good old fashioned hard work for me, but I am AF and for that I am most grateful.

[buckledown]

AF??? WOW

hi...I am so sorry you are feeling so low...i know how it goes, I am almost 10 months AF and my moods are all over the map...Lenair was a blessing for me but I know it has not been for everyone...but when I am feeling like you are I have to try to remember how it was before I stopped drinking...waking up ashamed and feeling awful every morning - not remembering much and feeling so so sad....that helps me get re focused a little...Being sober is such a gift in itself....

I think the holidays are just plain hard...i go through time where i do not understand why i can not drink like others - i feel like i am missing out on the holiday cheer ...not actually the drinking but being part of the party...- but i have to remember how much we do have in these hard times...we are living a real and authentic life now and feeling all of it and I think for us this is the hard part.... I too am growing up....the not drinking is not the hard part - but sometimes living is....I am here for you and know that in times like you are feeling you must dig your heels in a little deeper and be assured this will pass...you will feel better...this i know is true...love love and bug hugs to you...xx buckle:l

[retteacher]

AF??? WOW

Brittzak:

I know the struggle you're going through. We can only hope that as we accrue more & more days, weeks, months, & years of sobriety that it gets easier. I've had long periods of sobriety, then drank for seemingly no reason at all. I can't explain it other than that I didn't want to face life wo/something to temporarily take away the negatives. As we know in our minds, nothing takes the negatives away...it just seems that way when we are drinking.

The holiday season seems to bring out all our worst fears & insecurities. I think that's why the bottle seems so appealing. When I'm not drinking,
-I have to calm myself down...not easy for me.
-I have to stop myself from being bitchy & irritable.
-I have to find ways to stop my circular thinking.
-etc.
When I'm drinking, those things I mentioned above are automatically taken care of by the booze. The only thing is that we have to come back to the world eventually. That's when the guilt, shame, self-remorse, etc. happens. Then, I need booze again to quell all that.

I just have to get off that merry-go-round. I can't keep starting-stopping-starting again. I think that as I get more & more sobriety (I have VERY little at this point), it will get easier. I have to believe that. I don't want to kill myself w/AL. I know I will...in mind, body, & spirit.

I've been trying to look at the small sober experiences each day brings that make me happy. Last night a video & lecture about Emily Dickinson was wonderful. My volunteer job in my g-son's classroom is a joy. I think I, as an alcoholic, think that every day & every experience has to be wonderful or else I'll drink to make it so. There will always be bumps along the way. Millions of people get joy out of a sober life. I want to as well.

I hope you'll stay nearby the 30 day abs forum Brizz. The threads are wonderful...as is this one. I'm glad you shared your feelings, because I've had them too.

Love, Mary

[LVT25]

AF??? WOW

Hang in there Luv,

I agree with the others, the holidays can be depressing-especially for those that have lost loved ones. My mom died 3 days before Christmas 4 years ago-the day before my big sister's birthday. The sadness sometimes creeps up on me, other times it hits me like a brick. It is still really hard for me to get the tree up and down.

I try to focus on my kids--I got a cool idea to keep the magic of santa in Christmas this year.
I think maybe we'll watch Polar Express again!!

I hope you find your way without having to white knuckle it all the time! :l

[Determinator]

AF??? WOW

Luvs, is would be a treat to have you here in ABland! xxxxx

I was also white knuckling my sobriety until this year. since my last binge/start date in early Feb I've had a much more resolved view of this. Not even entirely sure why....but I'm not complaining.

Great group here on monthly AB's.

[retteacher]

AF??? WOW

Deter: That gives me hope. I don't obssess, but I do think about AL. Mary

[AAthlete]

AF??? WOW

Brit, I am similar to you in that I pop in and out of these forums a lot.

Thank you for posting your struggles. It can sometimes take a lot for us to admit how much we are really hurting. We want to seem strong for everyone else..

I am sorry that things are so rough for you right now. You've gone through a lot in the past, more than one person should have to, and yet here you still are - fighting the good fight.

It can be so hard to do when things are going bad, but as others have said try to focus on the positives in the world around you. There is so much in our lives that we can't control, but we can learn how to appreciate the things that bring us happiness.

[on my way]

AF??? WOW

brit, so glad you posted, you are welcome here!! If you ever want to chat let me know. I check in thru out the morning and early afternoon. Im EST too Hang in there, nat

[momof3]

AF??? WOW

Me too Brit. You have my emails

[momof3]

AF??? WOW

buckledown;484586 wrote: ...but when I am feeling like you are I have to try to remember how it was before I stopped drinking...waking up ashamed and feeling awful every morning - not remembering much and feeling so so sad....that helps me get re focused a little...Being sober is such a gift in itself....l

Thanks for this reminder Buckle. When I am down, I ask myself if things were any better when I was drinking and the answer is a resounding "No." Being sober is such a gift in and of itself, isn't it?

Mo3

[ready2change]

AF??? WOW

For me, I am finding that being "grateful" for my sobriety several times a day, brings a smile to my face and my heart. It is a constant reminder to myself that my sobriety is truly a "gift" to be grateful for.

I know this sounds simplistic, but I choose to believe that our thoughts control our destiny. If you think your struggling, then you are. If you think this is hard, then it is. I am really trying to practice gratitude several times a day, to change my thinking. WIP wrote a great thread about this, and it truly works.

I hope you feel better soon. You have alot of people here who care about you, and you are very fortunate for that...hey something else to give "gratitude" to.

Hugs...R2C

[greeneyes]

AF??? WOW

Me too sometimes Luvie. I wonder if part of it for both of us is our recent departure from a "someone".