AF Daily: Thursday, December 11th
Howdy.
Always great insight from each of you. The internal dialogue with justifications and rationalizations and the concept of modding -- things I've had some experience with.
For me, the continuing struggles even after I caused significant bad consequences when I drank, came from some fairly basic and simple desires. Desires that weren't evil or sinister but which shape most people's lives. I wanted to retain good and eliminate bad. If I could only eliminate the bad consequences, then all my drinking issues would be solved.
Well that led to the ideas of moderation and control. Which, of course, I'd already demonstrated I can do neither. Oh, I CAN moderate. But whether any particular effort is successful always becomes nothing but a crap shoot. And, ultimately, I discover that what I really want is to drink beyond any moderate amount and get to that place that too often causes trouble and bad consequences. So even if I moderated successfully, it was an unrewarding experience for me, almost assuredly leaving me irritated and blaming the world for not allowing me to get where I really want to go. If I got to that point, with some alcohol already on board, with the judgment and the thinking no longer from a sober or rational perspective but from an active addiction with a mission to get to a place I both did and didn't want to get to -- well, the crap shoot becomes fish in a barrel for the addiction and off we go. For me, the idea of eliminating the bad consequences by any other decision than AF is pure folly.
The personal responsibility and the choice -- for me -- must come from and remain a product of my thoughts and volition without any alcohol on board. That means "no thank you" and "I'd love some coffee (or any non-alcohol drink)" is simply the only way to eliminate the bad consequences. Because to do otherwise only invites a battle that can really never be won -- I'll either have an unrewarding moderation experience leaving me unsatisfied and internally angry and deprived (which will likely lead the active mission on to more crap shoot battles), or I'll be off and running to far beyond moderation and the ugly consequences that are proven to await me.
There is a danger of having a successful and rewarding moderation experience. Or being self-fooled into thinking such was accomplished. That can lead to pats on the back and pleasant thoughts and what amounts to false proof for opening the flood gates to further crap shoots. All I can say is that from my too many efforts at investigating how many "successful" moderation episodes I can string together, the battle really isn't much fun, it can be exhausting and consuming, and there will most definitely be an unsuccessful and perhaps devastating effort around the corner, one that I might not walk away from with my life or with any dignity, or, worse, one that I might cause serious harm others, or both.
I'm not one to preach, as I believe there are those who are afflicted who can develop a successful moderation plan, and I believe each has a personal path to follow that deserves respect if pursued sincerely toward the elimination of the bad in their lives. But one big and special gift I will give myself this holiday season (and beyond) will be to not activate or engage the alcohol battle. It's a loser for me.
Have a great day all.
Howdy.
Always great insight from each of you. The internal dialogue with justifications and rationalizations and the concept of modding -- things I've had some experience with.
For me, the continuing struggles even after I caused significant bad consequences when I drank, came from some fairly basic and simple desires. Desires that weren't evil or sinister but which shape most people's lives. I wanted to retain good and eliminate bad. If I could only eliminate the bad consequences, then all my drinking issues would be solved.
Well that led to the ideas of moderation and control. Which, of course, I'd already demonstrated I can do neither. Oh, I CAN moderate. But whether any particular effort is successful always becomes nothing but a crap shoot. And, ultimately, I discover that what I really want is to drink beyond any moderate amount and get to that place that too often causes trouble and bad consequences. So even if I moderated successfully, it was an unrewarding experience for me, almost assuredly leaving me irritated and blaming the world for not allowing me to get where I really want to go. If I got to that point, with some alcohol already on board, with the judgment and the thinking no longer from a sober or rational perspective but from an active addiction with a mission to get to a place I both did and didn't want to get to -- well, the crap shoot becomes fish in a barrel for the addiction and off we go. For me, the idea of eliminating the bad consequences by any other decision than AF is pure folly.
The personal responsibility and the choice -- for me -- must come from and remain a product of my thoughts and volition without any alcohol on board. That means "no thank you" and "I'd love some coffee (or any non-alcohol drink)" is simply the only way to eliminate the bad consequences. Because to do otherwise only invites a battle that can really never be won -- I'll either have an unrewarding moderation experience leaving me unsatisfied and internally angry and deprived (which will likely lead the active mission on to more crap shoot battles), or I'll be off and running to far beyond moderation and the ugly consequences that are proven to await me.
There is a danger of having a successful and rewarding moderation experience. Or being self-fooled into thinking such was accomplished. That can lead to pats on the back and pleasant thoughts and what amounts to false proof for opening the flood gates to further crap shoots. All I can say is that from my too many efforts at investigating how many "successful" moderation episodes I can string together, the battle really isn't much fun, it can be exhausting and consuming, and there will most definitely be an unsuccessful and perhaps devastating effort around the corner, one that I might not walk away from with my life or with any dignity, or, worse, one that I might cause serious harm others, or both.
I'm not one to preach, as I believe there are those who are afflicted who can develop a successful moderation plan, and I believe each has a personal path to follow that deserves respect if pursued sincerely toward the elimination of the bad in their lives. But one big and special gift I will give myself this holiday season (and beyond) will be to not activate or engage the alcohol battle. It's a loser for me.
Have a great day all.
ray:
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