AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

[Marshy]

Hello everyone.

I hope everyone's well and enjoying their weekend. I've had a couple of busy days at work, and now I've got a nice, slow Sunday.

I finally "came out" to one of closest friends about my drinking (or not drinking). She's lived in the States for quite a few years now so she hasn't known how bad my drinking has been over the last 10 years in particular, and whenever I've visited her or she's visited me I suppose I've been a bit restrained in my drinking. Anyway, she and her husband are coming over in a couple of weeks time and he in particular has been suggesting spending lots of time in pubs, which is what we've often done together (he's American and loves English pubs!).

I'm very happy to be in pubs with them and not drink but I wanted to let my friend know in advance - it's the first time she'll have ever seen me not drinking since we met when we were 15 years old! She hardly drinks at all so that wouldn't be an issue for her, but telling her had become a big deal in my mind. Plus, her brother is an alcoholic and she's often made quite derogatory comments about people with drink problems (obviously not realising that meant me too! so I wasn't sure how she would react when I told her). Her initial reaction was OMG!! When? Why? What's going on? I told her I didn't want to make a big deal of it even though it is a big deal for me, and so she just said "good for you" and left it at that. I'm sure she'll grill me about it when she's here but I feel much better that she knows and I can talk to her about some of the "issues" involved now. (I think she was a bit miffed that I hadn't told her before, because we talk to each other about everything, but I told her I wanted to make sure I could get a handle on it before mentioning it).

Anyway, that's a huge ramble. I think it was bothering me more than I realised and now it's cool! Could be a topic? To tell or not to tell? Who do you tell and when? Or has that been done?

Right, I'm off for a wallow in the bath, mug of tea and a long walk before the snow arrives.

[gyco]

AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

hi marsh good for you,it is nice to have someone you can confide in,you said something amasing tho,you restrain yourself, when she is with you,can you amagine if you had a real embarassing moment around her ,how you wouid of felt,and trust me i mean embarassing,i wish you well be careful with the bars gyco very good post

[Janice]

AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

Morning Marshy & Gyco......most of my family, including my kids, think I'm "paranoid" about my drinking because of mam. Because I've never blacked out, don't get really drunk and I can function well after downing a full bottle of wine, they don't see it as a problem. There's only my husband who's aware of how my drinking built up but even then he didn't see how bad I really got, ie starting earlier and earlier, hiding the glass, disposing of all the bottles etc etc. So I suppose the answer is the only people I've shared my problem with is you guys here on MWO. And, I'm so grateful for that.

Starting to get back on my feet now - yes, lots of tea and sympathy definitely helps!!! Hopefully going to spend some "me" time on MWO today catching up on all this week's posts and get a walk out with hubby.

love to all Janicexxx

[SAUSAGE]

AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

Morning Marshy and Gyco and all to follow,

I did post late last night having survived entertaining my friend on Fri night sober - Sounds like a similar situation to you Marshy, in that we always socialised around alcohol. Anyway, don't want to repeat myself too much but all went well and after the first 10 mins or so, the evening was relatively easy and I enjoyed my rose sparkling Af "champagne" and had a great evening. It has really boosted my confidence.

In repsonse to your qustion on when to "come out" I think it is a very personal thing depending on you, the situation you are going to find yourselves in and the individual ie whether you even need to "come out at all". Regarding my friend on Fri, I had previously confided in her about a yr ago (so she wasnt' expecting me to drink) as her brother is an alcoholic, and I thought she'd have some understanding of the subject. However when I confided in it to her and her husband, they then admitted to me that her father in law is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober now for over 20 yrs which was a shock as I had no idea.

However as I posted on the 30 day and beyond long term abstainers thread, her father in law still seems to be controlled by al even though he doesnt' drink it, in that even 20 yrs + into his sobriety, he rarely ever socialises anywhere where there could be al, doesn't even allow his wife to drink it, if he goes to a wedding he never attends the reception because there will be people drinking, if my friend and her husband have him to stay or go out, no-on can consume alcohol because 20 yrs on he is still terrified of going back to his old ways. As I posted on long term abstainees , this seems awful, and I wonder what you folks on her thought. It sounds like this man hasn't put together a long term life plan to achieve real happiness without AL and it is still controlling him - what do others think

[Captnjack]

AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

Plans!!!!!! long term life plan !!!! I hope it works for you!!!!! but I know today 65 people lost there lives because they STUCK to a plan and didnt consider other options seriously you long term planners give me the shits dont impose your need for absoulte controll on the rest of us good luck

[Janice]

AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

????????????? I'm lost for words, maybe someone else might like to respond!

Janice

[Janice]

AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

You've deleted it, I should think so.

[Janice]

AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

Sorry everyone, maybe I should explain my two posts. They were by no means directed to Sausage's posts but to a member who posted a "not so nice" post, shall we say, in response to Sausage's. I'm not going to go into details but it was someone who very rarely posts here and obviously has problems with people who have achieved longterm sobriety. It was a shock because we rarely get posts like that here on this thread.

Janicexxx

[greeneyes]

AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

morning!

OK I didn't see whatever that post was you refer to Janice. Thinking I'm glad.

Marshy I found it very freeing and a big boost to myself to tell other people. I remember feeling very happy posting about those conversations and the support I got. Never had anything but positive effects.

Sausage, maybe something else is going on with the FIL besides the fear of AL. 20 years is a long time to be controlled by fear. Perhaps an evaluation by a mental health professional would lend some insight?

Chores rule the day, but I hope to get little doggie to the park. Pretty, breezy and sunny out. I read that getting 5 minutes of sunshine in the AM helps immensely in enhancing your mood for the entire day. Little doggie and I are going outside for tea!

[A Work in Progress]

AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

Hi everyone... Marshy, that's great that you "came out" to your friend about the (not) drinking. Amazing how much angst and drama we build up in our own heads about telling people that we have a problem, or that we're not drinking, isn't it? I continue to feel reluctant to tell people very much about it... at most, I will say that I am not drinking because I want to have a healthier life overall... and that, with my mother's situation, I found that I was drinking too much. People seem to understand that. The friends I am usually hanging out with these days are very moderate drinkers, and they have known me for ages... they certainly would not be surprised if I told them that "I am a RAGING ALCOHOLIC" -- but I just don't want to do that. And there is no need to.

Sausage, I talked a bit about what you said on the long-term abs thread... interesting ideas about freedom, and being a "prisoner" ...

Janice... sounds like a nice day... and "ignoring" is always a good option in certain situations... !

Cross posted... hi Greenie and Gia!

[stargirl]

AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

Good Morning abbers,
I missed yesterday, but read the posts. I'm never far from MWO!
Marshy, you brought up an interesting topic. Even though I "came out" to my parent's I don't think they really know the extent of my problem. Drinking morning-night whenever I could get my hands on it. I felt that if they knew they could understand more how I could have pissed away the last 8 yrs of my life. Crucial yrs when I should be getting my "life plan" together. i.e. career, family, ect. Good for you Marshy. Isn't it funny how some things that seem like such a big deal really are not with true friends.
Janice, you aslo pointed out something I have run into. So many people I hang out with don't see excessive drinking as a problem. This could be because I live in Wisconsin, but it's just a given that everyone drinks. I wish they could see how dangerous it really can be.
Sausage, I find it sad about that guy who is still so terrified of al after so many years. I really don't think that is normal and it makes me question what kind of "program" he followed when initally becoming sober. He deserves to have more confidence after 20 yrs! hmmm
WIP, I also find the "health" issue a good reason to tell people why I'm not drinking. Plus it's true. We will die if we keep drinking the way we did...at least I know I would.
Ok, well that's my bunch o' randomness for the day...so far a least
Hope you are all enjoying your wonderful weekends af
Much respect!

[Doggygirl]

AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

Good morning to all in AB-Land! Like many of us in the winter cold zones, I'm looking forward to more spring like temperatures today. The sun is up and out and life is good.

Marshy, I think "to tell or not to tell" and if so, "how to tell" is a great topic that all of us face in a variety of situations. Like WIP mentioned and I'm guesssing is true for Greenie too and others, I have different ways and degrees of telling different folks in my life, but I have NEVER regretted telling anyone. Each and every time it's felt like a little weight lifted, and has also driven home the reality of my problem, and abstinence being the correct solution. Telling people seems to bring a "real life" quality to my abstinence in a way that *talking* about it on the forums does not. Of course my longest and most detailed discussions are with those closest to me with Mr. Doggy at the head of the pack. More casual acquaintences who have seen me drinking heartily (read: rediculously) in the past most often get a very short version, often couched in a bit of humor such as "I don't want one, I want all of them which would be totally unfair to the thirsty masses, right?" and stuff like that. It just let's them know that I think I drank too much and have stopped. Anyway...that's how I've been handling things and I am sure interested in other responses! Marshy, I bet you feel good having that off your chest and can now focus on fun plans for the visit!

Hi Gyco!

Janice - I know what you mean about some folks maybe not really understanding that we DO have a BIG problem. After one experiment trying to convince a long term friend how big the problem really was, I gave up on that as it just didn't seem to be productive for her or for me. Nothing at all *has* to be said and where I feel right about saying something, sometimes less is more LOL! I think the important thing is that we are not afraid to say "I don't drink any more." Beyond that, I think it's just a matter of comfort level and situational with the details (or not). Glad you are feeling better. And thanks for the brief explanation about your posts re: the troll. ITA with WIP that sometimes "don't feed the trolls" is a good strategy.

Sausage, I did read your post from last night and I've VERY excited for you that your dinner party was such a success! It's so good to hear from you and Mary that it really is the first 10 - 20 minutes that can be rough. I haven't done formal entertaining with people who drink so this is good info! (I'm not counting casual BBQ's where there is beer - that doesn't bother me) ITA with Greenie that 20 years seems like an awfully long time to live with a fear that intense. Wonder if something else is going on there?

Greenie you and little doggie enjoy that bit of sunshine today!! (screw the chores!)

WIP - just have to add that I really did laugh out loud when I read that some of your friends wouldn't be shocked if you said I'M A RAGING ALCOHOLIC!!! Same here! I hope you are having a restful weekend regaining your energy (and wellness!) after all your running back and forth between houses and states and all of that!

Gia - I'm sorry to hear that you can be 'forced' into baby showers!

I broke the seal on the "AM/PM" yoga DVD this morning. Seems like it was filmed near Hula's house which is relaxing in and of itself! (gorgeous beach setting). That DVD also has 20 or 30 minutes of a speech the Dalai Lama gave about "Finding Peace" which was a GREAT fit with our half full or emply topic from yesterday. It was a good listen and I will be listening again and I'm sure, getting more out of it each time. One of the key points that stuck with me today is something like this:

When we focus too much internally - on ourselves - it tends to magnify our own problems leading to negative thinking (half empty thinking?). When we focus more outwardly - in a broader way on the world around us it tends to make the same problems seem less significant (glass half full?) and we keep things in better perspective.

For me anyway, drinking was a completely self centered, self absorbed business. Stopping drinking has required a LOT of putting *me* first in order to quit. I think that has to be balanced with other "outward" things if we are to find that inner peace and happiness we all want, and that the Dalai Lama was talking about. I was reminded of the mentions by Caysea, AFM, Skootie and I know there are others about volunteer work they do. What an awesome thing to help move towards that sort of balance. I need to put more effort in that direction! I was also reminded of so many of AA's posts about how he has gotten outside of himself in a way that has not only helped him achieve sobriety, but also it sounds given more quality to his life with his family, etc.

Anyway - sorry to mix stuff from yesterday and todays topics but I think both are good ones! Enough of my ramblings for now!! I'm off to get ready for SMART face to face, and then I'm off to get my second ever pedicure and a manicure too this time!!

Have a wonderful sober day everyone!

ETA: HI STARGIRL!! We cross posted. I can relate to the Wisconsin drinking norms. Some of the close friends we've made through our dog activities live in Wisconsin and yes they love to drink! That's some of the crowd where I have used the "I don't want one...I want them all..." line.

DG

[Mohun]

AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

Good morning. I'm in early today (up with the puppy). I'm sure he thinks his name is "no!"

I've been writing this post for 20 minutes. The puppy and the cat are getting "used" to each other. Everyone else is sleeping, so I am trying to keep them quiet. It is almost light enough to go for our morning walk.

Good luck to all today. :goodjob:

P.S. There have been a lot of strange posts lately. Must be a full moon. :nutso:

Mo.

[stargirl]

AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

Hi DG and Mohun
DG I bet you had no complains when you used that excuse with WI drinkers! The more the "merrier" here.
Mohun, glad "no" and the cats are getting used to each other!

[retteacher]

AF daily - Sunday Feb 8th

Hi Everyone:

There's lots to this thread already. I love it! I love food for thought. The "tell or not tell" question: I hate to admit that I'm in the "not tell" group. I just can't get up the nerve to tell anyone (not even my closest loved ones) that I've got a serious drinking prob. When I was active, I'm sure people noticed but never said anything. The pressure to abs was purely internal. Now that I've gotten a program, I have told people I've stopped drinking for various reasons. When & if the time is right, I'll come clean. Until then, I'm going along day to day abstaining w/the long-term goal to stay abs throughout 2009.

This AM I walked my dog w/my friend. I got up early to do so. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't marvel at a Sunday morning wo/a hangover. Am I losing my gratitude of being abs? I hope not. I know the "pink cloud" of sobriety doesn't last forever. I consciously called to mind a time when I pushed through the day w/a hangover in order to contrast it w/today.

Anyhow, I'm grateful to be sober & contributing to his great thread. Thanks everyone. I couldn't have done this alone.

Mary