My Early AA Thoughts

[ready2change]

My Early AA Thoughts

Well, today I went to an AA meeting! The first time in many, many years. I am so glad I did. It was a speaker meeting and the woman who spoke first has been sober since 2/22/94!! I loved hearing her speak. I always get teary eyed going to those meetings. It feels so raw, if that makes any sense?

The second speaker was a man who has been sober for a number of years, I don't think he said how many. He was a pretty entertaining speaker. What really touched me about him was he kept getting teary eyed, and he would pause for a moment and then he attributed it to all the gratiude he felt. That was so sweet, especially considering how difficult it can be for a man to open up about their feelings.

It was a packed meeting, with all types, shapes and sizes there. I raced in and grabbed a seat and left immediately after. I find that most there seem to smoke and they get there early and stay after for that social aspect. Being the reformed smoker that I am, I have to say that the smell that follwed them into the meeting was a bit unnerving for me, it gave me a headache in fact, but I will not let that detour me from going.

For me personally, I have absolutely NO problem admitting I am powerless over alcohol, or I would have been able to quit by now. I am going to truly persue the Higher Power thing, which is difficult for me, but I am willing to open my mind. Obviously, I have not been able to do this on my own. I would like to look into getting a sponser at some point. I'm so glad I went.

R2C

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

R2C, I think I know what you mean about that "raw" feeling when listening to the many stories. For me, I think it feels raw because no matter who's story it is, I CAN RELATE CLOSELY to most if not all of it. Doesn't matter what walk of life or age or sex or race the person is. I think that point REALLY hit home to me when I wandered into the biker meeting. I told about that in an earlier post - LOL - I was the only one without a tattoo. And in my "corporate look" to boot as I had just come from making a business presentation. :H But it felt that raw feeling with each person who shared. And I couldn't have "looked" more different on the outside (especially in what I happened to be wearing!) than every other person in the room. Not to mention that I could have been there momma (a few) or grandmomma (most I think!) age wise!

I used to really struggle with the powerless thing because I completely misunderstood the intent. As you pointed out, it doesn't say "powerless" in a general way. It's "powerless over alcohol" which means to me that after just one drink, I can't stop. And that is the truth. So as much as I hate to admit being powerless in any situation at all, I truly am powerless over alcohol if I drink it.

I've stopped stressing over the higher power thing. What the heck - if there IS a God, I'll feel closer to the action. If there is NOT a God, doing good things and trying to get out of my self centeredness, etc. is still a positive step especially for those around me who have to put up with my crap.

Thanks for sharing - I love hearing about everyone's experiences.

DG

[meditation mama]

My Early AA Thoughts

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by the struggle this time.. I think I would welcome the idea of AA but I live in such a small town. It's tough. I think I could use the personal contact right now, but it is such a big deal here. If you are in AA here EVERYONE knows about it. There is NO anonymity in this community. The non-AA folks talk and are judgmental toward the AA crowd, and the AA folks talk are judgmental to the AA crowd, it's a no-win. It is all very gossipy. Because I am such a public person I am afraid of what it would do to my client?le, especially right now. Maybe I am just in an off mood today, but I am feeling very alone right now.

Sooo.. I think I will dive deep into my meditation groups, which I have been neglecting. There is a new Tibetan teacher and she is also an acupuncturist, so I am thinking of coming clean to her, but I'm scared. She is one of the most non-judgmental people I know, but it is still scary. In the meantime, think it is time to get back with my counselor. I will make an appointment tomorrow.

[meditation mama]

My Early AA Thoughts

but then again... Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first."

[ready2change]

My Early AA Thoughts

MM, I know what you mean about anonimity (sp??). I too felt like I might be "found out" by someone I know. My town is not that small, but then admitting I'm an alcoholic to a bunch of people I don't know is pretty revealing in and of itself.

AA isn't for everyone, I'm just exploring it because I have not been able to conquer this on my own. At this point I don't have a clue what I will get out of it nor how long I will go. I just feel I need this right now. You might want to check out the Big Book, it will give you some insight as to how the meetings go.

Is is possible for you to go out of your own area to attend a meeting? I see that the church I attend (very rarely, my bad) has a Saturday nite speaker meeting, I would love to attend that.

And Mary and DG, I can so relate to AA philosophy on not comparing. They have another saying that is eluding me right now, something about observing and not comparing. I used to do that and think I was better than "those" people. How self centered was my thinking? I'm not any better than any single one of them. In fact I have lots in common with them, including a desire to be sober. So I am now humbled and happy to be so.

R2C

[meditation mama]

My Early AA Thoughts

Thanks, R2C! I went to AA about 5 years ago off an on for about a year. It actually did help me in many ways. However, back then I was working with girls that were in the program, they were also friends of mine. During the course of that year I saw that there was a a certain clique that I just never felt comfortable with. That, and I heard so much gossip between so many of the members that I just couldn't deal. It is very unfortunate because even though there are many of the aspects of the program I do not buy into, there are parts of the program that jive (in it's essence) with many of the teachings of other philosophies in regards to spirituality. I sometimes felt like I had to swallow the whole pill by the other members, but the feeling that I wasn't alone with this damn thing did help. It also did hold me accountable, which is a good thing for me. I am sure it is not the same everywhere, but this town is so incestuous that you either need to jump in full force, or not at all. So, for now I will dive into my MYO family and maybe when my head clears (I'm only a few days into my sobriety), I will be able to see more clearly what I should do about this.

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

MM I'm sorry to hear about the "small town" nature of things in your area. Given all your concerns about clients and gossip, etc., I don't blame you at all for not wanting to dive right on in.

While I don't believe this applies in your situation, the current discussion reminds me of a funny story, and somewhat profound as those things usually go. Mr. Doggy and I both have LARGE vehicle graphics on our trucks, so needless to say anyone driving by the club would know I'm at AA. We joke about my "anonymous mobile." There are other folks who also drive "anonymous mobiles" with their business names emblazened all over. Most of those are in the construction trades and there is a large supplier to the trades next door to the AA club. One morning last week we were joking about our anonymous mobiles and a couple of the guys said they initially parked a block or more away and walked due to this supplier being right next store. LOL here is what one of them said...

"I stopped parking all the way down the street when I realized that everyone in the county already knew I was a drunk except for me." :H

But anyway...

Mr. Doggy and I talked about it a LOT before I actually went - trying to decide about possible repurcussions to our business. We decided that the risk was pretty low, but I'm also not the "key person" - he is. So we might assess the risk differently if it were him walking through those doors (and parking the truck that he always drives) at AA every day.

Mean time MM - especially since you feel alone I think it sounds like a great idea to get back to your meditation group and any other "people contact" that moves you in a good direction and has nothing to do with AL. Changing the people, places and things.

R2C, I'm viewing this a lot like you are. I will go as long as I feel good being there, and feel it's helping my sobriety. One day at a time.

Where the sam hill is AA these days anyway? I love his wisdom around this thread and the daily AF thread!

DG

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

Folks: I too was very nervous (& still am) about my anonymity. I've seen people at meetings that I knew through my teaching & Alanon. I too live in a small community, & we've been here for 23 years. I felt desperate enough to put those feelings aside in order to recover from this awful disease. I'm slowly coming out to family & friends about joining AA. This is my life, & I'm only going to have this one life which I'm bound & determined to live sober. If AA is the only way for that to happen, then I'm going to AA. If people find out, so be it. It's not like I'm breaking any laws going to AA.

It amazes me that we can be in rooms w/such an assortment of types of people. I love that in AA we're all equals. I too am the oldest newbie they've seen at the age of 64 & am often sitting w/folks younger than my kids.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Something in one of the daily readings yesterday jumped out at me. LOL - I have a small spiral pad that I take with me to "journal" in. I even wrote it in my journal AND highlighted it in yellow. (not much gets the yellow highlighter!)

Be calm, true and quiet. After really thinking about this one, here is what it meant to me.

Calm = keep my mind calm and peaceful

True = Recognize the truth in the situation, even if "the truth hurts" (take responsibility for my part in a problem)

Quiet = Keep my dang mouth SHUT until I am calm and have a chance to asses the truth before I start yapping, getting defensive, etc. etc.

What was so ironic was that me and Mr. Doggy had an argument yesterday around noon time. Had we been drunk (me) / high (he) - this would have escalated into a Stupid Fight that went on for days until we no longer had a clue what we were even fighting about.

Even sober, I KNOW that I would have gotten defensive and acted stupid, prolonging the discord.

It was hard, but I kept my mouth shut until I could get calm (that took me a long time - Mr. Doggy went back out to clients and I wasn't calm enough to open my mouth until after he got back home) and assess the truth in what he said before just reacting in defensive mode.

Wow. That works really well. With more practice I will lead a much calmer and more peaceful existence. Yay!

DG

[peacenik]

My Early AA Thoughts

doggie, that is the biggest lesson i have learned in marriage...when you are mad, wait...it's like a time out for me. if i speak (or yell!) right away, it is only hurtful and childish words that tend to prolong and intensify the "fight".

be calm true and quiet...very wise words, and i thank you for the reminder.

peace!

[cpn1004]

My Early AA Thoughts

Great words doggiegirl. I get defensive immediately...trying to work on that. I had an email yesterday that set me off. Fortunately I was in the car for another two hours before I could answer it. Gee...sometimes time is our friend.

Love and Peace,
Phil

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

peacenik and phil, you are both so right about the negative marital impact (and any other relationships!) of angry reactions and defensiveness. And boy oh boy, did my drinking intensify that. But I also think my years and years of heavy drinking and reacting badly to things ingrained those reactions as habits. So even though the booze is gone, the habits remain and it takes extra work to get rid of them!

Funny - the stuff we do in AA every day is not rocket science by any means. Little to nothing is discussed that I haven't heard before. However it's the little things in life's lessons that I tend to forget - and those are the things that often matter the most in my day to day life. So I'm really benefiting I think from these "daily reminders" and discussions of the little things. Sometimes the discussions are very directly about drinking, but frequently the discussions go more to life and living it with better quality relationships than drinking specifically.

LOL Mr. Doggy said "I don't know what you people do at those AA meetings but you can keep going." This was after a gratitude moment expressed to him. Did I post about that already? I think I might have. The mind is the first thing to go.

Have a great day all! Calm! True! Quiet!

DG

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

DG et al: I miss my meetings. I was sick Mon. & Tue. & couldn't go. Today, I thought there was an AM meeting but no one was there. I guess I'll go to my regular Thurs. meeting tomorrow night. It's amazing how much I've come to depend on them...not so much for the prevention of drinking. It's the discussion & camaraderie that I miss the most.

As far as drinking thoughts are concerned: I haven't had any desires. Could they somehow been removed? I can't imagine that happening.

DG: BTW, I got a small spiral notebook to keep in my purse. What do you put in yours? Words of wisdom from the meetings? Things you pick up from your readings? I don't know if it will be redundant, because I'm starting my 4th step some time this week.

Anyhow, keep sharing everyone...whether you go to meetings or not. I really like this thread...a lot.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Hi all. Where is AA these days??? Hope you are doing good AA! Thinking of you.

Mary, I like having my little notebook with me all the time. I put "pearls of wisdom" from meetings in there, things that jump out at me from reading (or sometimes just a short note and page number to a book), even notes of things to do. It's really a catch all of stuff I want to be able to go back to later. I'm sure when I get ready to start 4th step work (not yet!) I will find it a handy reference. Especially after today's meeting which brings me to.....

Today's topic was relationships - and the discussion ended up centering on family relationships to a great degree. I ended up crying through the whole meeting. First it was watery eyes and I tried to hold it but I couldn't. By half way though the meeting the tears were dripping and I couldn't stop it. I guess some stuff I thought was LONG since past maybe is still eating away at me. I hate that. I wanted to get up and leave the meeting, but on some level I have been "running" since I was 18. I made myself sit there no matter how uncomfortable it was. It's still uncomfortable but I know it was the right thing to do. But now what?

I'm feeling pretty raw and sad right now. I feel like I have battery acid in my stomach or something. There is a HUGE part of me that does NOT WANT to dredge up this old family business. I was never physically abused in the horrific ways that so many children are. I didn't have it bad at all compared to so many others. So why oh why do I have to be thinking about this stuff NOW when it should be dead and buried oh so many years ago?

It seems so pointless to think about it or talk about it or spend this level of emotional energy on it. My Dad is so sick and slowly dying and my Mom is just - well - Mom but she is 76 and I can't imagine anything good coming of a "deep" discussion about how I think she hurt me by not loving me for me so many years ago. I believe she did the best that she could. My Mom can be like a windstorm getting what she wants and I don't think there was much my Dad could do about it. Or was there? What a fucked up situation that nobody dared talk about. Being good silent, stoic Germans and all.

I don't know what to think. I guess I'm finally finding out what people have talked about after getting sober (whether AA or not) about buried crap that they have to deal with. I thought mine was dealt with. Oh shit.

DG

[ready2change]

My Early AA Thoughts

My family thoughts

DG...I think this family stuff is an "age" thing I have been having alot of childhood thoughts recently as well. My poor sickly Dad has been dragging out all the family photo's for the last few months and everytime I go down there he makes me feel guilty if I don't look thru them, so I do.

I DON'T want to dredge up old memories! I have blocked most of them (subconsciously) and I like it just fine that way. He even is having us watch the old slide shows. On one hand I feel guilty for feeling this way, I assume this has something to do with his mortality, wanting to relive old memories. And I should indulge him. But at what expense? My parents were alcoholics, my Mom's been gone since 1992 and I have buried her in my memory. She was an evil drunk. I loved her dearly, but that part of my life is over, or is it?

Just this morning, getting ready for work, I was thinking what would my life be like today if I had different parents? Well, at least if mine were'nt alkies? Perhaps I wouldn't have spent so much time at my friends house (to get away from them) and never have gotten drunk that first time at her parents party, that seemed to be the downward spiral into my drinking career. I know we can't change our past, and we shouldn't dwell on it either, and normally I don't. But to have my Dad throwing it in my face, and like you, not having the courage or the unkindness to discuss how things REALLY were, makes me a tad bit resentful?

But nothing would be accomplished by telling him what they did wrong at this point. So I just indulge him and try to move forward. I can so relate with you. My poor brother is still going to couseling at 60yrs old over his childhood. I guess I just drank to bury it.

I am looking forward to going back to AA on Sunday...with my work schedule, it is hard to go during the week. At some point I want to talk to someone about a sponser. I need to be accountable to a live human:H

Thanks everyone for sharing...R2C