My Early AA Thoughts

[Seacailin]

My Early AA Thoughts

Hi Everyone
My sponsor had to postpone our starting of Step One, but she has me doing 90 meetings in 90 days, and I have to keep track for her. I am still re-reading the first 164 pages of the Big Book and journaling. I went to a meeting last night and a man got a 23 year medallion. Imagine!! I don't think I will live long enough to achieve that. Tonight is my home group meeting, and my sponsor wants me to get a job in the group. Nice to see you Phil. Mary is right, you don't join a group unless you sign up on paper.

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

AA - Thanks for the link. I think this reading ties a bit to the conversation we had on the daily thread last weekend about "fun" and our search for it, lack of feeling we have it sometimes, etc:

Walk In Dry Places

The Fix that Never was_____ Recovery
In all of the despair and defeat that went along with drinking, most of us held to the ideal of a "fantastic fix"----- a drinking experience so fulfilling and complete that it would solve our problems and leave us searching no more.
Compulsive disorders, like alcoholism, seem to include this delusion. The gambler looks for the big score, the overeater seeks the total enjoyment of food, and the sex junkie searches for the perfect partner. But the search never ends, because our compulsions always drive us to seek stronger wine and greater excitement.
The only fix that will ever work has to be rooted in sobriety and right living. When we think and live properly, free from alcohol, we find a fix that really works. We find continuous satisfaction instead of soaring excitement, sound relationships with other people instead of ego-gratifying encounters, and purpose instead of drifting.
The peak experience we had been seeking is a fix that never can be. We can be truly "fixed" only by staying sober.
I will live calmly and gratefully today, forgetting the drive for excitement that was destroying me. My Higher Power knows who I am and what I should be doing.

(emphasis mine)

Chasing the high and never quite getting there is something I have certainly been caught up in without even realizing it. Funny that concepts like this weave their way into our discussions here, they have weaved into my SMART discussions both on-line and face to face, and now the AA material. Feeling satisfaction from a stable sort of contentment rather than a "high" (physical or emotional) is certainly an adjustment that comes with sobriety. An interesting one I think.

OK - enough of my rambling babble!

DG

[SAUSAGE]

My Early AA Thoughts

Excellent post and quote above DG - it has really got me thinking and is very helpful.

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

I was going to wait and check out the 4PM meeting group, but went to the 10:30 instead as it fit neatly into what I was already doing around town. It's nice to see what are becoming familiar faces already.

A man who a couple folks in todays meeting have known around this AA group for 20+years died. I guess he really struggled over the years with relapses and yesterday he died. One of the group members had this to say, which is now in my sig line. A stark reminder that dealing with alcohol is not trivial - it truly IS life and death. So in memory of Phil and all of the others who died before their time from alcohol related illnesses:

"We are guaranteed another relapse if we want one, but we are NOT guaranteed another recovery."

I thought those were very wise and thought provoking words.

DG

[CS04]

My Early AA Thoughts

DG, that's really good. Sorry that Phil lost the battle before his time.

[Seacailin]

My Early AA Thoughts

Great Posts DG. Yes, we certainly do find "Comfort in Chaos". We must adjust to normal, routine, stable life. Can be a scary thought. I am so sorry about Phil. Far too many of us are losing this battle. I will be heading out to my "Home group" meeting soon. My buddy just backed out on me which is fine because sometimes I pick her up and she smells like AL. It makes me very uncomfortable. I did not do my BB reading yet. Please don't tell my sponsor.lol

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

As soon as I get off this computer, I'm going to do my reading & writing assignment (a list of how my life becomes unmanageable as a result of AL). Then I will go to my first ever solo AA meeting. I've been w/my husb & w/a friend but never by myself for myself. I'll check back tomorrow about it. Wish me luck. Mary

Marshy: I know you're going too. Good luck!

[cymru]

My Early AA Thoughts

Havent read the post through(But will do!), but I wanted to share my AA experience so far. I have been going to meetings now for about a month, and I am so gratefull that I went. I was not willing to accept the big book and the AA way of life before. ''It wasnt for me. I can do it differently'' etc. I had come to a place in my life where I was at rock bottom. MWO had helped, I had made some good friends, but I was still drinking, and I couldnt stop.
AA has given me a purpose and a plan of action. I now have the big book and the 12 steps to follow. I have a sponser and I am doing my steps with him. I am currently on step 4 and am embracing what is being offered to me.
I will go into more detail once I have read the thread and can relate to others experiences. But I am gratefull for AA and my sobriety.

[Marshy]

My Early AA Thoughts

Mary - I just got back and sent you a PM. Guess I missed you before you logged off.

So, my first meeting was very powerful. The speaker was great and I went up to him at the break to tell him that and I almost started crying. Yikes! We've had very different lives, different backgrounds, different circumstances but a lot of what he said resonated with me. And he was funny, which I liked too!

DG - at the end of my meeting a woman talked about going to the funeral this week of one of the AA regulars who couldn't stop drinking. Hits home, doesn't it?

[cpn1004]

My Early AA Thoughts

Great posts y'all. I am interested in your AA experiences.
Love and Peace,
cpn

[Lucy Van Pelt]

My Early AA Thoughts

Hey guys-

Just found this thread. I have to share my experiences with AA:

Let me start by saying I am now somewhere around 75 days AF, which for me is truly a miracle. I have been drinking nightly for well over 20 years, and to go even a night or two without was a huge struggle.

I went to AA about 12 years ago, and for a year, tried to make it work for me, and it didn't. I just had such a hard time with the God thing, the powerless thing, the disease model, etc.

After this time, I tried SOOO hard to quit in other ways- MWO, the supps, Campral, Topamax, Antabuse, counseling....NOTHING worked. I was desparate.

I went back to AA in December, and amazingly, it is working for me. I had to re-frame some things in my mind. For example, Powerless = once i have a drink, I have to have more. God- anything besides myself...I can not change my own thinking with my own thinking (this had been my problem all along). if I just listen to the others and do what they suggest, I am relying on something outside of me...that is a higher power, and for now, that seems to be enough. Insanity (this one was really hard...i am a psychologist and to call myself insane was tough) = the crazy thinking that comes over me and tells me to drink, when just hours before i promised myself I would not.

I have been going to a meeting every day, i have a sponser, and i am doing the few things suggested. Amazingly, it is working. I can not begin to stress how hard i have tried to deal with the alcohol issue without success. At this point, for me, AA is the way to go. i cannot tell you what about it works so well but is does. Listening to others share their stories is huge...it reminds me of what my drinking has been like for me, and gives me the motivation to continue on this path.

I do not believe there is only one way to quit drinking, but for me, it is the one that is finally working. Truly a miracle.

With love,

Beth

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Hi Beth! Thanks for sharing those thoughts. That is encouraging to me as I formerly had issues with all the things you mention, even without ever going to AA. But when I wasn't truly committed to sobriety in my heart, it was easy to take an inflexible and negative stance on the issues of God, powerlessness, etc. and keep my head in the bottle instead. I don't think there is ANY way to stop the madness unless we really want to. Winning the battle over alcoholism / problem drinking / whatever name you want to give it requires a lot of internal fortitude and without that, any program is destined to failure, I think.

Isn't that notion at the heart of Rational Recovery? (WIPper?)

At any rate....Lucy/Beth I hope you will keep sharing the ways you have worked through your thinking on this stuff as I know I will find it helpful and I think others will too. I am really coming to appreciate the accessibility of AA just because of it's sheer size in the area. There is always someone available face to face. I like some of the tools offered in programs like this one (the nutritional connection) and SMART (specific tools to change our thought patterns). But I think the strength of AA for me anyway, lies in the numbers and accessibility to sober people.

Cy and others who have popped in here, I'm very glad to hear AA is helping you! Whatever works is a very good thing.

Marshy - sounds like you had an interesting experience. I too have found myself tearing up on occassion and that's rare for a tough old bird like me. Makes me wonder what all is bottled up in there that I haven't really examined yet. And yes - the reminder that we are dealing with a deadly toxin is enough to make me feel ashamed of that way I selfishly abused my body all those years. I just hope I have dodged the bullet. I guess I will never know if health problems I may encounter down the road are due to alcohol / cigarettes or not. So are you thinking of going back for another meeting? Just curious.

Mary of course I hope your experience was a good one last night and can't wait to hear more about it.

I sort of settling into 2 meeting times myself. There is one at 7AM every day called the Captain's Table and that one is a bit smaller compared to the other one, and the group on whole tends to be a more quiet and serious group. The 10:30 group has a different personality. The average age might be a tad younger (but there are still plenty of many years sober folks) and is a little bit lighter feeling - even when discussing very serious topics. I like both groups which is good because I really need both times on different days to work in my schedule! Today I will shoot over to the 10:30 meeting after yoga. I'm looking forward to it. At some point I will need to consider whether I want to get a sponsor and all that, but for now I'm just "being" in it and that feels fine.

I am starting to enjoy my sober life even more, and I'm looking foward to my first sober spring in many years. And my second sober summer!!! YEAH!!! Last summer was still a nail biter of course, so this one should be even better.

DG

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

Everyone: I did go to my first AA meeting alone last night. I've been to them before under the guise of a parent of an alcoholic. Last night was my first meeting as an alcoholic. It was a large meeting & lo & behold, when I got in there, I turned out to be the only woman there. The guys said there are usually a few women, but I just happened into a stag night. It definitely was a powerful experience. I got the whole life & death feeling of the drinking problem. Also, there was a huge load of recovery in the room: decades & decades. I also got that this is a progressive disease, & if I don't stop drinking, there will many more passing out incidents like I had 2 weeks ago.

The members made no excuses for their drinking (i.e. bad home life, poor childhood, etc.). They put all the responsibility upon themselves. There was a lot of talk about ego, selfishness, & self-will "run riot." It was interesting, because I've been a member of Alanon for many years, & that's all about what somebody else did to us non-alcoholics. Most of the members acknowledged that wo/AA they'd be dead. I think there were some real hard-core people there. I sat next to a young guy who had relapsed & was just back to AA. He seemed kind of twitchy...the other guys did not coddle him at all. He was back & that was that. No back-slapping & congrats. I guess they've all seen it before.

All in all, it was a valuable experience for me. Even though I sat in the back, I think I stuck out a bit, being the only woman & a grandmotherly-looking one at that. I felt a little like a mascot.

I have another meeting tonight. I've been to it before. It's large & women do to that one. I'm looking forward to it.

W/AA, you don't have to accept everything all at once. I just felt I should do it as my spons recommended it.

Love, Mary

PS: Many of the guys go every day...even multiple time per day.

PPS: MWO is another one of my resources for recovery. I just wanted you all to know that.

[Cinders]

My Early AA Thoughts

Beth,

Your post made my heart sing. I know how you have struggled, I truly do, just as I have.

DG,

I have a great home group that meets daily at 800, 1200, 1730, 2000 hours. Each and every different meeting has a different feel and different personality. I walk out of each one with a little boost and a great feeling. It is funny, but when I walk into a meeting and sit down, I go "aaah."

I get to go to the lunch time meeting today.

Love,
Cindi

[A Work in Progress]

My Early AA Thoughts

Lucy Van Pelt;558601 wrote:
I went back to AA in December, and amazingly, it is working for me. I had to re-frame some things in my mind. For example, Powerless = once i have a drink, I have to have more. God- anything besides myself...I can not change my own thinking with my own thinking (this had been my problem all along). if I just listen to the others and do what they suggest, I am relying on something outside of me...that is a higher power, and for now, that seems to be enough. Insanity (this one was really hard...i am a psychologist and to call myself insane was tough) = the crazy thinking that comes over me and tells me to drink, when just hours before i promised myself I would not.

Lucy VP, my experience (some years back) was much like yours, as to how it's possible to adapt to the aspects of AA that can be troublesome to us, and can (if we let them) prevent us from getting the benefit that is definitely available in AA. I'm a psychologist, too, and I did some similar re-framing of various of the "teachings" in AA. I had (and still have) a particularly hard time with all the talk about "defects of character," which I think is totally false (people who are dependent on alcohol do NOT necessarily have "character" disorders, or "personality disorders," or moral defects).

DG, wonderful post. I think what is at the heart of Rational Recovery (and SMART) is the very well-proven understanding about the relationships between and among our thoughts, our emotions (and impulses), and our behavior. When we learn to attend to our distorted thinking, and learn to regulate our emotions, we find it much easier to control the behaviors that are causing us problems, even those that seem extremely compulsive (e.g., pouring alcohol into our bodies!).

Mary, I'm so glad your meeting was a good experience. I love the story about the guy who "came back," and the way the other guys treated him... no big congratulations just for coming back. In AA they save the big congratulations for staying sober. They don't spend any time telling people to "just keep trying," but instead give them concrete actions to take that (if they are actually done) will help.