My Early AA Thoughts

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

WIP, that explanation seems to fit this bunch - thank you! I too need an honest and tough approach.

Todays meeting was interesting as it's the first time someone who seemed desparate for immediate help walked into the room. I'm 99% sure he was drunk and he was a bucket of tears as soon as he started to talk. He said he's been "off the wagon" for a couple of years and "I will die if I leave here without a sponsor."

It was amazing to me how calm everyone stayed. They listened to him, and quietly started passing a piece of paper among the men - it was the meeting schedule for the club on one side, and they all wrote their phone numbers on the other side. After this man spoke, the meeting proceeded as normal. At the very end before the facilitator closed the meeting, he gave the list to the man and encouraged him to stay after the meeting and find a sponsor and keep coming back. The "calm" felt very reassuring to me - I hope it felt that way to the man in need of immediate help too. This felt like "drama" waiting to happen, but drama did NOT happen. In a good way.

I look forward to becoming friends with these people. They are people who are worth knowing and respecting and learning from I think.

I'm glad I have been completely honest about my issues with the higher power business. I ended up staying after the meeting and talking for a bit with a couple of the guys who shared their take on it, which was helpful. I get more "OK" each day with where I currently AM on the subject - less inclined to fret over trying to get myself to some different place if that makes any sense.

Hope everyone is having a great day!

DG

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

DG: Your story about the tearful man was very moving to me. I know how desperate one can feel when sobriety seems a distant goal. I just got back from a wonderful meeting. An older woman spoke toward the end. She told my story...right down to the passing out on the bathroom floor. I haven't shared yet except to identify myself & say that I'm an alcoholic. Yes, it does feel like a relief to say it. I figure that eventually I'll share when my HP leads me to say something. As far as the God, HP issue: it'll resolve itself. For me, it's a non-issue, because I feel desperate for sobriety & will do ANYTHING to have it. If that means I have to "fake it 'til I make it" so be it.

Please keep sharing one & all about your meetings. I love hearing about them.

Mary

[Seacailin]

My Early AA Thoughts

Just wanted to check in before I go to bed. My sponsor has been kicking my butt, and I have some type of flu. I went to two meetings today; stacking up the Newcomer chips. I met my sponsor at a meeting this evening and she introduced my to like 5 woman, including the speaker, Who had 15 years, drank once, and now has 25 years. I could relate to alot of her stories. I am also stacking up the women's phone numbers. My sponsor took me out to dinner and I am meeting her at 6:30am for a meeting, followed by a breakfast meeting. She is like me, single, in her 40's. She does 3-4 meetings on Saturdays and Sundays. Hope all are well. I will check in tomorrow.

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

Sea: You're doing the right thing. Keep going! I'm with you all the way. Mary

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

Sea: I too know people who do multiple meetings. If we want sobriety, we'll do whatever it takes to get it. I don't have a meeting today due to family activities. I will be meeting w/my spons tomorrow & going to a meeting in the evening. Whatever I have to do is fine w/me. I won't drink any more. Mary

PS: I'm glad you have a sponsor who is strict. The easy kind might not make as much of an impression.

[Seacailin]

My Early AA Thoughts

Thank you for your support Mary. Sending you strength as well. The two meetings were very good this morning. My sponsor spoke at the breakfast meeting, and insisted on paying for my breakfast. I just came home in tears thinking about how this woman just may save my life. She is picking me up tonight to go on a Committment. I still haven't worked on my Step One, but I will today. We are discussing it after tomorrow morning's meeting.

[A Work in Progress]

My Early AA Thoughts

Just got home from my first AA meeting in a looooong time! Thanks to many of you here at MWO for helping me to realize that I needed to just let go of my reservations and thinking-mind stuff, and just go. I have known for a while that I am going to need face-to-face support if I am going to make it over the long haul, and I am deadly determined to make it over the long haul.

It was a good meeting, not far from my house and my office, and I felt very much at home, being back in an AA hall (why do we always call them "halls," I wonder? I just realized that... !). All sorts of people, from Day One to many years of sobriety, all walks of life, all levels of education... and all focused on being honest, being free from all the crap that holds us back (starting with alcohol, but not ending there), and living a good life.

Sea, I am proud of you for following through with your sponsor on doing stuff you really don't much want to do. One of the guys in the meeting today said about sponsors: "You'll know when you've found your sponsor, because you won't like him, he'll make you do stuff that you just know won't work... "

Anyhow, I am grateful to you, and to Cindi, Mary, DG, Cy, AAthlete, and the other AA'ers here who gave me a good example to follow.

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Hi everyone. Sea, good for you working on these things that aren't the most pleasant. I love that saying that we may not get what we want, but we get what we need.

Mary I'm right there with you - willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. I have been thinking a lot lately about my relapse after 60 days AF in 2007. How easily "AL" convinced me I could safely drink, and how FAST I was right back to my previous volumes of daily drinking. And how LONG it took me to get back on the wagon firmly - over 8 months. I don't want to go there again - ever and I don't want to take ANYTHING for granted. What happened with you could just as easily happen with me.

WIP I'm glad you went to that meeting as you sound very positive about it. You may not realize it, and you probably weren't even trying to do this, but some of your previous posts about AA and what worked about it for you in the past, along with what you didn't agree with really helped me decide to eventually go. For some reason (AL perhaps??? ) I was holding the possibility of AA to a REALLY high standard. It needed to be a perfect fit, with me agreeing with 100% of everything in order for me to even give it a try! Heck - no other program including MWO is a 100% perfect fit, why should AA be any different? I sure am glad I got a clue about that and somehow you helped!

And of course AA quietly posted away and IMO is the poster child for "I want what he has."

Today's meeting was interesting as usual. The guy who was in crisis yesterday morning was there and I was glad to see him. I get the feeling withdrawls are rough for him but he seemed to be hanging in there. I'm glad to be sober today.

DG

[A Work in Progress]

My Early AA Thoughts

Thanks, DG! Another couple of tid-bits from the meeting today. The guy who said the thing about finding a sponsor also read aloud a passage from the Big Book... the opening of Chapter 3... something that was good for me to hear, again:

"We are [people who] have lost control over our drinking… All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals—usually brief—were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.” Big Book Ch. 3, page 30.

"Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization." Absolutely accurate (for me).

This is exactly what I need to hear (and what I need to NEVER AGAIN forget), and I suppose it is why I have had such a difficult struggle sometimes in MWO... the difficulty of dealing with the question of controlled drinking, and the need to be accommodating to both "camps" and both points of view. It's quite a struggle, sometimes, and it even feels like a struggle for survival, sometimes (because for some of us, anyway, being free from alcohol truly is a struggle for survival).

And something else I picked up today from a woman (14 years sober) I spoke with after the meeting; we talked a bit about the whole thinking-mind business, and intellectualization etc., and she said: "The mind is like a bad neighborhood... don't go there alone!"

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

WIP, I love everything you said and thank you for sharing the quote from the woman at your meeting!! LOVE THAT.

"The mind is like a bad neighborhood... don't go there alone!"

I have realized that I just cannot even read about "controlled drinking." It only takes a matter of seconds before my mind starts "creative thinking" about that notion. I don't stray much from the abstinence section these days - I just can't. I have to close threads where it comes up quickly - before my mind gets busy with the fantasies. I love all you guys here and on the Daily Thread - you help keep me sober. Nothing against those who have succeeded in a moderate drinking plan. I hope those folks truly do understand why people like me cannot spend much time supporting / congratulating, etc. I can't let the fantasies begin. It's nothing personal.

I'm glad all you guys are here. Sniffle mushy mush. :h:l

OK - off the the showers I REALLY go now..

DG

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

WIP: I'm so happy for you. I had a feeling that you would go back to AA...especially the way you contributed so regularly to this thread. I resisted it for so long. It was a crisis that drove me to it, & I doubt that I could stay sober for the long term without it. When I hear the stories, I just know I'm in the right place. Yes, everyone in the meeting is so different in terms of background, age, educational level, etc., but we all have a common problem that we're trying to solve. Many of the members look like they could be former students of mine. I've gone to a few meetings that are primarily men. I'm often one of the oldest people as well. But, no one is higher or lower than anyone else. "Take what you like & leave the rest" is an axiom that I've taken to heart. I'm going to meetings & doing the steps w/a sponsor & that's keeping me sober today.

DG: Ditto on the whole "controlled drinking" thing. I too never stray from the abs threads. My brain would start to work overtime in trying to convince me that I'm "not so bad." Yes, I am bad. Sometimes I think back to that awful night when I passed out & was taken to the ER. I'll never let that happen again. I just hope that nobody REALLY in need of ER services was there that night. I was taking up a lot of time & energy that should have been used for someone who really needed it.

I had some drinking thinking today. I turned my mind in other directions & got through it, but it was definitely disconcerting. Tomorrow I have a meeting w/my spons & a regular AA meeting at night. I know that will help. I'm also going to walk w/my dogwalking friend. I'm not sure if I'm going to tell her about AA or not. I'll let my Higher Power guide me into a decision.

I'm trying to be more in touch w/my inner self...my higher power...especially when it comes to decision-making. It was my HP that showed me that I could identify myself as an alcoholic. I waited a while & then finally did it.

I hope you all will keep sharing on this thread. I really like hearing about your experiences at meetings...that includes anyone who goes to meetings. I'm not sure if all this AA talk is kosher for the regular daily thread.

Love, Mary

PS: I still love MWO & owe a huge debt of gratitude to it for helping me see my problem.

[Cinders]

My Early AA Thoughts

Wow. Great posts today!!

WIP, I am glad you found a group and a meeting that helped today. Thank you for sharing your experience. ...Glad you are here.

DG, I am with you on the controlled drinking. Sometimes I venture there and it is dangerous for this mind. I start thinking.. Yes, a bad neighborhood for sure. A deadly neighborhood, in my case. I have been reading the Sinclair Method thread and have decided I just can't go there. I hope and pray it works for them but for me, I know it won't. I can't tempt myself. I just can't.

Mary, I envision that my HP lives within my heart. When I do what is wrong it hurts my heart and my HP.

I have also developed a very healthy fear of ever drinking again. I am petrified of ever taking another drink. I drink to blackout and my last day of drink had me driving up the mountain in a blackout. What I do remember is being pulled over by the sheriff. He looked at my driver's license and registration and then gave them back and told me to go home. I am amazed I did not go to jail. I do not know why he let me go. However, when I got home, I realized what I had done. Driven yet one more time blacked out.

I cannot drink. I will kill someone. I simply cannot drink. I wake up in the morning asking for another day sober and I go to bed and say thanks for being sober that day.

I have no other option except jails, death or institutions. AA and NA are not kidding about that and now I believe them totally.

My meeting today was wonderful. I learned and heard so much from everyone about the 3rd step being the keystone step. Until I get the 3rd Step right, I must keep myself shored up against my enemy. One day the obsession will be lifted and I will know peace and serenity. It is a promise from the Big Book and I have faith it will happen.

Love,
Cindi

[Guitarista]

My Early AA Thoughts

Wow, this is great to read guy's. I'm considering AA, mainly for the face to face stuff. Am going along pretty well here at around 5 mths. af, and feeling strong and still committed. Still looking for that final nail to drive into the al coffin though!
Having said all that. I'm a happy chappy, and life is feckin' great. Thanks, and be well all............G.

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Good morning! Mary, very interesting insights as always. It never would have occured to me to think of a drinking episode resulting in ER (and it could EASILY have been me Mary) as taking away resources from someone in more need. Drinking is the ultimate selfish game, no? I thought I knew my "drinking self" but things like that occur to me all the time - even going on 10 months sober now. Seems like a long time here at MWO but I'm a 'babe in the woods' with sobriety at an AA meeting.

Cindi, I didn't know what had happened on your 'last drunk.' Wow - that is scary. Again, it just as easily could have been me. We HAVE TO not drink any more. Or it WILL kill us. This isn't a minor thing about little slips and trips.

Guitarista, I too resisted AA for a very, very long time. And I can see how people who have court mandated AA participation - people who have not acknowledged having a serious problem with alcohol - could really resent some of what goes on. But as a "voluntary" participant with an open mind (and take what you need, leave the rest attitude) I'm really happy I went. Lots and lots and lots of long term sobriety around there. They have what I want.

I finished reading "Drinking - A Love Story" yesterday (will comment more on the Daily thread) so now I've started the Big Book. Per my sponsor's suggestion, I'm using a highlighter to mark passages that sort of jump out at me. She suggested using a different colored highlighter each time you go through the big book as different things will probably stand out each time. I thought that was interesting. So it's yellow for this first round as that's what I have. I liked this from the Forward to the Third edition (I'm reading the current 4th edition, but the forwards from all editions are included)

Each day, somewhere in the world, recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic, sharing experience, strength and hope.

Made me realize that at the heart of things, that's what we are trying to help each other with here at MWO so AA and other programs are not so far from each other as we sometimes imagine.

Well, I gotta let the doggies out for their morning pee and hit the road. Will be back later for more here and Daily AF.

Have a great day all.

DG

[Seacailin]

My Early AA Thoughts

Wow, Great Stuff
WIP I am so happy that you went to a meeting and enjoyed it. I was so miserable, I wanted to die yesterday. My sleep has been awful and my sponsor took me to 3 meetings, and made me get two more Newcomer chips. I kind of grunted at having to get up for one last night and she goes, "Suck it up" Yep, I think this woman is gonna work for me.lol. I am off to a meeting this morning and to pick up my (hopefully) last Newcomer chip. I am going to her house this afternoon to work on Step One.
I am so with you guys on the Mod Threads. I can't go near them. We can be very creative in our alcoholic thinking.
I was told not to go into my head without my Sponsor and a flashlight.lol.
I will check in after my morning meeting.:l