My Early AA Thoughts

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

Great, great thoughts here! Thank you all so much. I'm up & have to meet my spons to begin my 4th step, then a meeting tonight. I'll be back w/a report. Again, thank you all so much for sharing.

Mary

[Joanna]

My Early AA Thoughts

DG You talk so much good sense and I love reading your posts. Just wanted to say that to you............

WIP I've read a lot of this thread and was kind of surprised you've gone to AA again initially. But when I read a little closer, I think I get it. I acknowledge I probably need some face to face support as i am in the first 60 day honeymoon I guess. I went to one meeting in my town and bumped straight into an acquaintance who was very welcoming. I like this woman but I was thrown because I had viewed my visit as anonymous and just for me hiding in a corner seeing what it was all about.. I didn't really want to sit next to her and chat not that first time anyway. So I haven't been back. But I know this woman could be a source of support for me and me for her.

Anyway I think its great that you have taken so much from going to this meeting and it shows through your posts. Guess I probably don't know enough about AA yet and should think some more.....

[Willie09]

My Early AA Thoughts

This is a great information. Thank you all.

Mary - Good luck on Step 4. This is where they say recovery begins, the first 3 steps are just admissions. Step 4 is when you put the pencil to paper.

Made progress on getting a sponsor this week. The sugeestions I received here were helpful.

Got to run. Off to church and going to the river to trout fish. An afternoon of peace and solitude. Can't wait

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

Joanna: I haven't met anyone I know yet at a meeting. I'm desperate enough that I don't care all that much. Anonymity, as I understand it, means that we don't divulge to anyone outside the meetings (that includes husbands/wives too) who was there & what was said. I've been going to as many different meetings as possible. I get something out of all of them. I must admit that I haven't stayed & chatted w/the members afterwards. I'm trying to listen to my inner self (HP?) about when to do certain things.

I'm excited & a little nervous about the 4th step. My sponsor uses the big book model. I did one 20 years ago in Alanon, but this one will be different. It will be about my own drinking.

Mary

[A Work in Progress]

My Early AA Thoughts

I am planning on going to another meeting today at 6pm. Have been thinking more about my reluctance, over the last (nearly) 8 months of being AF, to return to AA. I had actually found a nearby meeting time and place, near my home, on the day I first signed on to MWO. After finding the meeting I was going to go to, I continued an internet search (in the midst of my awful hangover and hopelessness), and for some reason decided to give MWO a try. I didn't have the slightest interest in "modding" but was intrigued by the other aspects of the MWO program: medication for cravings, diet, exercise, self-hypnosis. I actually ordered the topamax, but felt so good by the time it arrived, that I never used it...

Anyhow, yesterday at that meeting I was really aware that being face-to-face definitely represents an additional level of commitment to my own life, and health; my own freedom from alcohol. For me, it is much, much more real to sit in that room with other human beings and say that I am an alcoholic. There is something very distancing (and safe, in some ways) about a computer keyboard. People can go to an online website and do very well, and many of us here at MWO have done quite well. But somehow, for me, it just does not feel as if I am making the same level of commitment to myself (and in some sense, to others as well) unless I "say it out loud" and look others in the eye, when I am "saying it."

And another great benefit of AA occurred to me. In none of the hundreds of AA meetings that I have attended have I ever seen a person being personally attacked or treated rudely, nor have I ever been exposed, in an AA meeting, to incoherent drunken ravings, disturbing images, or discussions about the benefits of drinking alcohol...

[A Work in Progress]

My Early AA Thoughts

Joanna, I can imagine you were taken aback by the encounter at that meeting! Definitely not something you were ready for! As for me... I am recognizing that I will likely encounter people I know at these meetings. They are held in a church where I have spent some time teaching meditation (some Buddhist groups meet at their facilities). And I have been around this city for a long time, often in a fairly public capacity. I feel anticipatory shame because of having led something of a double life: a teacher, a health care provider, a leader, someone who actually developed and taught a wellness program, and all while destroying myself with alcohol. But I believe that my own mental and physical health requires me to get on out there in the face-to-face world, instead of continuing to hide the parts of my life that still cause me so much pain, remorse, and shame.

[Joanna]

My Early AA Thoughts

WIP you're right! It was a good job for me I like this woman but really don't know her awfully well. I see her at the school gate when I sued to collect my children. I can certainly think of a lot of people I would not like to have bumped into at that meeting!

You're right about the additional levle of commitment thing. You become more accountable if you are in a face to face situation. You can dip in and out of this forum as you wish obviously.

It appears to me as a new poster here that there are plenty of people on here who relish and enjoy winding others up which is unfair as they don't know them and have no involvement in their lives. They seem to get a kick out of it for the hell of it. It's cowardly really because they can remain pretty anonymous. I think others should just ignore it and see if they stop posting.

Ret agree with you over the anonymity at meetings. I suppose what i meant was that i had hoped to sneak into a corner at a meeting and just listen without having to engage with anyone I knew. It took the wind out of my sails a bit seeing someone I knew but I suppose it was good for me in the long run. I do actually tell people about my AF stuff because I am that kind of person and don't feel ashamed. This may be because I have other more serious health problems and have a different take on life to most (have a neurological condition which threatens my life)

[Joanna]

My Early AA Thoughts

PS I have stopped reading anything from certain posters........

However, WIP you always talk sense and I love your contributions......

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

WIP: I agree w/everything you have said. I won't give up MWO...I really look forward to logging on every day, but I limit myself greatly to this & the daily thread. There is something much, much bigger about sitting in a meeting & saying out loud that I'm an alcoholic. BTW, I told my dog-walking friend about joining AA & even about that awful episode of last month. I felt I could trust her, because I met her in Alanon, & she has since revealed to me that she's had problems w/AL. As far as the image thing: I seem to have it all together & am a very competent person in many ways. People have looked up to me, when all the while I've had a secret drinking life. That secret in & of inself is very soul-destroying. Coming out in the open means I can be my true, authentic self. I don't have to "seem" to be any particular way, i.e. perfect. I won't be going around to ALL my friends telling them I'm an alcoholic. I'll pick & choose whom I can trust. That goes for family members as well. I'll know whom I want to tell or not tell. However, the more I come out w/this secret, the healthier I feel.

Conversely, even though I'm on a real high w/all this AA step-taking, I've been having some real drinking thinking. I have to use all the tools at my disposal to get beyond them.

I'll write again & thank you ALL for sharing.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Hi all.

Joanna, I can imagine that was very disconcerting to run into someone you knew at your first AA meeting in your town. I hope that doesn't discourage you from going. So much about just the thought of going to an AA meeting was disconcerting for me. I'm so glad I went anyway. I hope you end up feeling the same way.

Great observations as always WIP. I am coming to accept that there are strengths and weaknesses to all recovery programs. "Anonymity" on the internet is VASTLY different than "anonymity" at an AA meeting - hence the huge behavior differences I think. Not to mention the structure of the AA meeting which in some moments might seem like a limitation, but at other times allows for "order" where there might otherwise be "chaos." At least those are my early thoughts which might all be proven wrong down the road!

Mary, I too am finding a load lifted off my shoulders as I tell more and more people that I don't drink. Of course the level of detail differs by person (appropriately I think). I love that you are getting away from pressuring yourself to be "perfect." That must be such a relief!

I really like this Sunday early morning meeting. This group has been around for ages - some of the founding members of this group have passed away of old age related stuff. There is something so comforting about that stability of the group, even as new people come and go. This is an open group that functions like a study group. They don't even read all the standard AA materials to start the meetings. They dive right in. Today's study was on the 10th step which seems about 100 years away for me in terms of any implementation, but I truly felt like a student with much to learn from good teachers in this group. It was a good meeting and I wrote down a lot of stuff in my journal.

In the reading on the 10th step, there is mention of not getting (or being?) cocky. One of the guys who celebrated his one year anniversary a few weeks ago said: "the most dangerous place for me is when I have a couple of weeks of solid sobriety WITHOUT attending any meetings. That's when I get cocky and that's when I've relapsed." I think that was a really good message for me to hear. I think that "cockiness" that he was talking about is akin to us talking here about AL (voice in our heads) convincing us that "now we can have just one.." That is absolutely what "got" me when I relapsed after 60 days in early fall 2007. And it took about 3 days to return to my full tilt alcoholic drinking, and took me 8 months to get back on the wagon. So I will be watchful for that cocky thinking.

AL. Cunning, baffling, powerful. Ain't that the truth!

My sponsor stayed after the meeting with me and we had a great talk about the incident yesterday with the porch drinking and Mr. Doggy. If AA never teaches me anything more than to LOOK FOR *MY* ROLE in the chaos around me, then I will have learned a LOT that is valuable. I love chaos (enough to create it myself sometimes), and I love to blame others for it. LOL - I was reminded of the little game that adults played with us when we were kids. The grown up would distract "look up there! A bird!!" and then snitch a cookie off your plate or something like that. I think that's what constant chaos did / does for my life. Keeps the focus OFF of me. That way maybe nobody will notice that I'm an alkie. Ya right.

Anyway...we also talked about the "running" that I mentioned in the Daily AF post. Definitely something I need to search about but that will probably take a long time. I didn't start running yesterday, so I probably won't figure out what I'm running from today. Or probably even tomorrow.

More questions than answers today, but I guess that's what it's all about!

DG

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

Yes, I too must be careful of cocky thinking. I'm beginning step 4...the searching & fearless moral inventory of myself. I'm making a list of people I'm in contact with on a daily basis...including myself. I'm taking it one teeny step at a time, as I'm pretty nervous about doing this. Mary

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Mary I'm somewhere between 1 & 2. Not in a rush, that's for sure.

dG

[Cinders]

My Early AA Thoughts

Hi guys.

I just got back from the most amazing meeting. I seldom share at a large meeting, but I had to today.

When the meeting started, the chairperson asked if anyone had a burning desire. I really felt like asking about still having the compulsion/obsession to drink occurring. But, I was too shy.

Guess what the meeting was about? She read from Dr. Bob's Nightmare, and he said he had the desire to drink for about 2 1/2 years after he quit!! Wow. That gave me hope.

Then other long termers started sharing how it took them a long long time to get to where they have no desire to drink.

It made me feel so much better about my efforts. I am willing to white knuckle it when necessary, throw the thoughts off as WIP says, and do whatever it takes to stay sober but I am very glad to know that at some point in the future, these things will not be so necessary and my days will be filled with a little more peace and serenity.

Love,
Cindi

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Awe Cindi, that brought a tear to my eye. I see what you have gone through and can only imagine how challenging it's been. I'm happy that you were in the right place at the right time to get a message that means so very much to you - and I DO understand that.

Smoking was more that way for me than alcohol has been. Not to belittle my alcohol addiction - it's bad. But I was a way bigger mess over nicotine. And a HUGE BARRIER to my willingness to try as hard as I needed to in order to succeed was just what you said - believing that SOMEDAY I would not crave it all the time. I just could not imagine a life where intense nicotine craving, with no satisfaction for the craving, was forever in my future. I cried buckets of tears (while smoking!) even when Mr. Doggy said he couldn't live with a smoker any more. Is that sort of how you feel sometimes? Like the cravings are just too much if they are going to be forever? I'm so glad that you found people who know EXACTLY what you are going through, and have been able to reassure you that it might last a long time, but not forever.

(and if anyone reading this is struggling with that over nicotine, I will just say I'm so happy I toughed it out because the cravings DO go away with time. I rarely have any thoughts of smoking any more.)

:yougo::yougo: That just sounds like a breakthrough moment and I'm happy for you.

My regular Monday leads group is cancelled today so a bunch of the members can go to a Chamber event in a neighboring community. We're not members of that chamber so I'm not going. So I can go to the 7AM AA meeting today instead of 10:30. Mr. Doggy now has my horrid cold (I'm finally feeling much better - probably 90% well). So this way I can go to AA, work out at Curves, then get home to take phone calls and hopefully let him rest and get this over with.

Have a great day AAers..

DG

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

Cindi: I loved you post. It does give me hope. Mary