My Early AA Thoughts

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

Oky: I too have trouble admitting that I'm an alcoholic. I haven't told my daughter who would probably say: "Mom, you're nuts to say that!" I asked my sponsor about it, & he said I didn't have to tell her. I will tell my son who lives in another part of the country. He's an AA member himself, & probably knew all along that I drank too much for all the wrong reasons. I don't think we have to tell everyone we know. I've been picking & choosing. I hid my drinking so well that many people would be very shocked. As I go along, I'll know who to tell & who not to tell & when. I'm trying to let my inner self guide me into that decision. I plan on continuing in AA, & I'm sure that I'll feel differently about all this as time goes on.

I went to a really moving meeting last night. There was a visiting group there w/a bunch of speakers. Some of the stories were unbelievable & inspiring.

Mary

[Cinders]

My Early AA Thoughts

My AA meeting last night saved me. I was having horrible thoughts about sneaking and getting a bottle. They were literally making me ill.

I got to the meeting early and sat in the parking lot. My teeth were clenched and I was getting a headache from it.

I practiced some deep breathing and that sort of helped.

But, what really helped was when someone pulled up, I got out of the car and went inside.

The meeting was about how to approach the HP thing if you are not religious. It was perfect for me. I am having such a struggle with it even though I am basically Christian.

One woman shared that she uses us, the AA fellowship as her HP and that it is the coming to the meetings and being around all of us that helps keep her sober. Several shared that they never had issues with the HP thing. Then one man shared how he had been to AA at 19, stayed sober 2 years and went back out. After years of misery, he decided he wanted to be sober but would not do AA and the "God" thing.

He said that in desperation, he finally came back. He just accepted the HP concept and went with it. He is sober 8 years.

I shared my horrible feelings and thoughts and said I know I need to find my way with my HP. I got so much love and caring. It was amazing. The fellowship is truly powerful.

I stayed sober despite this alcoholic's brain trying to make me drink. That is a miracle.

Love,
Cindi

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

Cindi: Thank you for posting that very honest message. You're doing well. I'm practically going to AA meetings every day. They've proved a lifesaver for me. I'm trying not to over-think the God thing. I'm just going along & doing whatever my sponsor tells me to do. I'm listening in meetings. Mary

[peacenik]

My Early AA Thoughts

good job cindi.

[cpn1004]

My Early AA Thoughts

okydoky you wrote They know I quit drinking and know I'm going to "support" meetings but for some reason I hate the thought of them knowing what I am. Why am I so ashamed?

I don't know much about AA or staying sober, but I do know that being an alcoholic and NOT drinking is something to be VERY Proud of. So stop with the shame.
Love and Peace,
Phil

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

First: Hi Phil...I'm always glad to see you here.

Second: The shame: It's difficult to talk myself out of. Conincidentally, I sat next to someone last night at AA who recognized the scared, frantic look of a newcomer in me. He too said that there's no shame in admitting alcoholism & going to meetings. I do think there is more shame for women. Drinking is kind of a man's addiction (in my opinion), so admitting alcoholism as a woman does feel kind of shameful, even in this day & age.

Oky: My kids are in their mid to late 30's & still want to see me as the fantasy mom. My daughter especially doesn't like it when I admit to any failings. It's OK if they get a dose of reality.

That's my 2 cents.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Hi all! Boy - lots of great stuff to get caught up on. Peacenik and Marshy, the "powerless" think is right up there with the "God" thing in terms of stuff I had to grapple with. I finally talked at length to an AA member who did clarify for me that AA is ALL about personal responsibility (yes, they rely on HP for help & guideance but YOU have to do the work...). "Powerless over alcohol" is the key part (as it was explained to me) and that person's take was "after the first drink." And if I drink one drink, I can't control myself from drinking and drinking and drinking. So when I looked at it that very specific way, I CAN admit that I am powerless over alcohol once the first drink is down the hatch.

Marshy, I like the alternative step one that you found even better. Do you have a list of the way all 12 of the steps are written in alternative? (all of them may not be different) I would be very interested in that if you can cut and paste or link something.

Okeydokey and Cindi and everyone else who has mentioned it....I too think the Big Benefit of AA is the face to face support from SO MANY people (at least in my town) who have hundreds of years of sobriety between them. THEY KNOW. I find so much comfort in that. I mentioned on the Daily AF thread that I gave a presentation last night - scheduled at the last minute. My sponsor ended up going with me which was really cool. It wasn't set up like a baby sitting gig or anything...her husband just went out of town for a "guy vacation" so I just asked her if she'd like to come along if she wasn't doing anything. I was really glad she was there with me. We had a few inside laughs - the presentation was at a city council meeting in a neighboring town. They were recognizing a guy who was retiring from the Water District in the city. The official person giving him the award went on and on about how wonderful he was. The one other council member spoke up and said some nice things about this guy. Then another one. Then pretty soon every council member had to say something. It was sort of like an AA meeting in a really funny way and we were both giggling. That was a lot better than trying to UN think about going for drinks after the presentation.

Anyway, we had met at the AA club then drove from there. When we got back to the AA club she went on home, but I popped in as I've not gone to any evening meetings there. Just wanted to check it out. I walked in mid-way through a meeting and I was 1) the only girl and 2) the only person without a tattoo. They were all really nice to me anyway, even though I'm sure I might have seemed like an odd one to walk in just then. It made me realize JUST how alcohol "gets us" in the same way, no matter what our age, sex, occupation, race, or even tattoo status. I could relate to what each guy said.

One thing that was sad - one of the guys showed the group where his "bottom" led him. He had a very large swastica tattoo on his chest. He obviously wishes he could erase that. But he can't. It was very sobering to see. And sobering to realize that in the condition I was often in, I might have done something like that too. With each passing story, it is sobering to realize how very many horrible things "could have been me." And of course those who have lost their lives to alcohol - their stories aren't included. That could have been me too.

I guess that realization is part of what helps me overcome any feeling of embarassment about someone finding out I'm an alcoholic that I haven't chosen to tell just yet.

I really don't know enough about the medical science stuff to have a clear and firm opinion about the "disease model" or not. One thing I AM sure of is that the more I think about it, the more I know that I NEVER drank normally. Even in my youngest days of drinking, before daily drinking was my norm, that booze still meant more to me than it did to my peers. Even in my late teens / early twenties other people might "go to a concert, and oh by the way, drink." I would "drink, and oh by the way go to a concert." It's always been that way. So I don't think I "became an alcoholic" by my own hand - by not "controlling" my drinking enough. I think I was destined to be alcoholic and the only thing that would have stopped that process would have been never picking up a drink in the first place.

So I don't feel ashamed. I feel ashamed of many things I've done while drinking, or because of alcohol being in my life. But I'm not ashamed that I'm an alcoholic. If that makes any sense.

OK - Does this post qualify as a book by now?

I wasn't around to witness events here yesterday, and I'm glad. It occured to me that I need to continue working that part of the serenity prayer having to do with "wisdom." May we always know the difference.

DG

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Mary, you make an interesting point about alcoholism being a "Man's" addiction. I think you are sort of right about that in the same way that when men are promiscuous, they are often given a slap on the back and congratulations, where as women who engage in the exact same behavior are sluts.

So it's time for us - each in our own way and our own timing - to work our way out of the closet. Of course that's only my opinion.

There was a lady who is very well known at the club I go to who got her 16 year medallion today. She is a special woman and it was an honor to be there for her little ceremony. Of course they asked "And how did you do it?" where most people seem to say "one day at a time." She exclaimed "I finally surrendered!" and said it with passion. I'm guessing she's been saying that on St. Patrick's day for ....16 years. She commented that she would have many more years of sobriety had she "finally surrendered" sooner. I haven't heard her whole story yet but I am facinated. She is probably in her 70's.

OK - enough already! I have runny poo of the fingers today...

ETA: Gyco! I always enjoy your posts. And yes, I have been assigned pages 1 - 164. I need to get busy with my book and my highlighter.

DG

[peacenik]

My Early AA Thoughts

most of the alcoholics i know are women...especially the "hard core" addicted ones.

interesting...

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

DG: Some thoughts on what you just wrote:

-Yes, once I take the first drink, I'm totally powerless.
-Yes, even when I was drinking more moderately, I still had alcoholic tendencies. I always wanted more. I always drank more. I always thought about drinking more.
-Yes, I'm think I agree that I'm ashamed of what I've done drunk, but I'm not ashamed of myself...especially now that I'm actively pursuing recovery.

I just came back from a meeting. It's a speaker/discussion...I really love hearing the stories. This one was interesting: The guy got abstinent in a rehab center but afterward never went to AA (for 24 years). He called himself a "dry drunk." He just came into AA 2 years ago. That was after getting 2 divorses & being $40,000 in credit card debt. His bottom was when his daughter calmly told him that nobody liked him. He had an actual epiphany that he had NO friends.

Mary

PS: Any & all AA stories are greatly appreciated. Seacallin, where are you?

[Marshy]

My Early AA Thoughts

Doggygirl;574700 wrote: Marshy, I like the alternative step one that you found even better. Do you have a list of the way all 12 of the steps are written in alternative?

I didn't want to clutter up the thread with my heathen ways... but since you ask...


1. We admitted that we were using alcohol/drugs in spite of better judgment, and that it was destroying many aspects of, if not all aspects of our lives and causing harm to ourselves and those around us.

2. Came to realize that we truly needed the support of others that could truly relate to us, what our chemical abuse had done to us and those around us, and could help steer us back on track when our thinking and behavior got destructive. In short, that we can not find all of the answers alone.

3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life into the right direction, despite my desire to overindulge myself. I realized that I am much more fulfilled as a person when I am truly there to take care of myself and others; and that this is impossible when actively drinking/using.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to ourselves the exact nature of our wrongs. When appropriate, asked the opinions of others and were willing to take those opinions into consideration, whether they were what we wanted to hear or not.

6. Were entirely ready to make a plan of action to stop these behaviors that were harmful to us and others.

7. Let go of resentments, or at least became willing to try. Started to acknowledge that many of our resentments really came down to our defects, not those of others.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Made a genuine effort to maintain a positive attitude, practice patience and understanding of others, and remain honest with ourselves when tracing the root of our troubles. Continued to think for ourselves and not be easily led, but seriously considered the input of others.

12. Having a much stronger sense of self-worth and purpose as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I'm not suggesting that these are "better" than the original steps, just that they provide an alternative for those of us who can't do the god/higher power/powerless thing.

Re: powerlessness. I understand what you're all saying about it. I CAN'T do it that way. It simply wouldn't work for ME. Whatever works, right?

[Doggygirl]

My Early AA Thoughts

Mary, I hear ya on all fronts! That's very interesting about the guy who got sober but is not in AA because nobody likes him. One thing that continuously surprises me in such a very pleasant way is the goodness that the long time AAers seem to have. I hope this guy is able to find what he is looking for.

Marshy, please keep bringin' on those heathen ways. Otherwise I will worry that you are out there turning into a Methodist or something. (:H that still cracks me up from your family visit!) This version fits me a lot better and I think retains some very key points that the "old timers" seem to think are very important such as:

Alcohol can destroy the life of an alcoholic
We need support to get/stay sober
(alcoholic level) Drinking is selfish - we don't take care of ourselves and others
The moral inventory (thus far it seems like this step gets a lot of press as being very important to personal progress)
The admitting of wrong doing and making amends where appropriate (the "where appropriate" seems to be stressed a lot too with the old times I've been listening to - no "dumping" where it would really hurt someone just to ease your own guilty conscience..)
Keep that process going

I love it. I think this will be VERY helpful as I start working beyond step one - having an alternative to help me through so I don't miss the forrest for being hung up on the trees. Thanks!

DG

[Cinders]

My Early AA Thoughts

Marshy,

I like those steps, too, although I really don't have any issue with believing in a higher power at all.

But, when you look at the 12 steps and really analyze what is going on, you can see that they require you to live life in a good way. Thinking of others, not hurting others, examining ourselves and coming to terms with doing the right thing.

Addiction does make us selfish and ego-centric. It has to, we have to do whatever it takes to maintain our addiction, even things that are wrong.

Following the 12 steps, yours or the others, helps us stop, think, and do the right thing.

I've often said that the 12 steps (except the powerless of alcohol step) are a good plan for all humans. The world would be a better place if we all lived by them.

I had an interesting night last night. After our CD meeting, the group had a "group conscience" meeting to discuss joining two meetings into one. We meet in two different churches today for the two different meetings within a mile of each other. As the group was discussing where to try to meet for everyone (we are out growing the facility of one church) another church was brought up. One of the members had approached the minister of that church and that minister was not amenable to AA coming into his church because AA does not require that Jesus be the Higher Power.

It was enlightening. The two churches we are using currently actually sought out the AA groups and offered their facilities. They do not interfere in the AA meetings, nor ask that we call on their idea of a Higher Power. They do feel they are doing God's work by providing help for us alcoholics to find our way out of our disease.

We prefer to use church facilities because the cost is so low. One church charges $35.00 a month rent, just to cover coffee, etc.

I have thought about attending church again, myself, and have decided which one I would definitely NOT join based on what I know, now.

Anyway, enough rambling except to add that somehow going to AA is helping me, now. I am not sure what "clicked" but I am glad it did.

Love,
Cindi

[retteacher]

My Early AA Thoughts

Cindi: I'm going to AA for long-term sobriety. I'm also working the original steps w/a sponsor...I'm currently reading step 4 & will begin the writing fairly soon. I like the rewording of the steps...especially for people who can't stomach the orginal words. I think Bill W. would be fine w/it. The more of the literature I read, the more I realize how open-minded he was.

Mary

[Seacailin]

My Early AA Thoughts

Hello Everyone
Very interesting Big Book meeting last night. It was a bit ahead of where I am at because the reading was in the chapter about helping others. It did talk a bit about the future as an alcoholic and being in the presence of alcohol. It says that if we are "spiritually fit" and have insight as to our motivation for being in the presence of alcohol, that we should be fine. I am so not there yet. Right now, it is best for me to avoid all situations that involve alcohol. I will be going to another meeting tonight with my sponsor. We will spend a bit of time together first, reading and discussing the Big Book. Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope.